lilacs sweetened the air,
or rather the canned scent they shove
into bottles and pump
into motel rooms.
we turned on classic rock
to make us feel defiant
and drank bourbon because it
tastes like sorrow.
we danced in the dark,
too drunk to turn on the lights,
or maybe just afraid of what we might see.

(07-14-2015, 12:16 PM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote:  lilacs sweetened the air, -- I would suggest maybe adding more description on the actual smell of lilacs
or rather the canned scent they shove - A phrase like "or rather" may be interrupting the authority of the poem as a mode of communication. That type of phrase may be warranted, in my opinion, if you're trying to capture a type of vernacular voice.
into bottles and pump -- I like the canned lilacs and would maybe accentuate that before mentioning regular lilacs in the first line.
into motel rooms. -- More on the motel rooms. "Motel room"s alone may not communicate as much as it could.
we turned on classic rock -- Maybe mention a particular song or set of songs.
to make us feel defiant -- Maybe show this instead of telling this.
and drank bourbon because it
tastes like sorrow. -- How does bourbon taste like sorrow? It can, perhaps, be a highly detrimental habit or coping mechanism, but how does it actually taste like sorrow?
we danced in the dark,
too drunk to turn on the lights,
or maybe just afraid of what we might see. -- Cliff hangers like these can be good endings, in my opinion.

Made some suggestions. I liked the canned lilacs, interesting idea. Good luck.

(07-14-2015, 12:16 PM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote:  lilacs sweetened the air,
or rather the canned scent they shove
into bottles and pump
into motel rooms. As we are in mild it would not be becoming to get all pedantic, especially over a loosely constructed  piece of cut-up prose. As there is no attempt at meter ( nothing wrong with that), or rhyme (nothing wrong with that), or the created use of a central metaphor(nothing wrong with that), or the helpful use of capitals to denote the start of a new sentence(nothing wrong with that) we are left with nothing to crit. The musing message is all in this sort of work; the cameo, the vignette must be crisp and you all but make it work. Sadly, for this crit, you fall early in your opening gambit and this leaves the reader unsure of the whole thing. You see, you make a syntactical error in the very first sentence. Consider your two contra statements, "Lilacs sweetened the air..." Fine, a sentence. Complete and sufficient unto itself. Now the contra. Read it. "(..or rather) the canned scent they (who?) shove (shove a scent?) into bottles and  pump into (into twice) motel rooms" . What is missing? You do not complete the contra. You must say the "does" word to make the contras fit. Lilacs sweetened the air, or should I say the artificial scent pumped into the room (did/does).
Final but hopefully non-pedantic point. What relevance to the rest of the piece is this opener? It is as though you began with a portentous rant against air-fresheners then got distracted by a fly on the ceiling. Please, I am NOT suggesting that there IS no connection, but that the metaphor flower dies before it blooms...lilacs do that.
we turned on classic rock
to make us feel defiant
and drank bourbon because it
tastes like sorrow.
we danced in the dark,
too drunk to turn on the lights,
or maybe just afraid of what we might see.

(07-14-2015, 12:16 PM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote:  lilacs sweetened the air,
or rather the canned scent they shove
into bottles and pump
into motel rooms.
we turned on classic rock
to make us feel defiant
and drank bourbon because it
tastes like sorrow.
we danced in the dark,
too drunk to turn on the lights,
or maybe just afraid of what we might see.

Hi, Liz, excellent title. It really works to achieve the line between the desired and the actual experience. I'd prefer the first line to use Lilac, what the scent is called as opposed to the reality of lilacs, it would also stress the contrast between the title and the poem.

I particularly like bourbon tasting like sorrow. The other thing is I'd prefer the poem in present tense, and I think you could lose "or rather", so with very little change you have this:

lilac sweetens the air,
the canned scent they shove
into bottles and pump
into motel rooms.
we turn on classic rock
to make us feel defiant
and drink bourbon because it
tastes like sorrow.
we dance in the dark,
too drunk to turn on the lights,
or maybe just afraid of what we might see.

or

Lilac sweetens the air,
the canned scent they shove
into bottles and pump
into motel rooms.
We turn on classic rock
to make us feel defiant
and drink bourbon because it
tastes like sorrow.
We dance in the dark,
too drunk to turn on the lights,
or maybe just afraid of what we might see.

Just a thought, see what you think. Thanks for posting it, again, very effective title, well done.

Disclaimer: Novice critic here, take with salt.

(07-14-2015, 12:16 PM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote:  lilacs sweetened the air,
or rather the canned scent they shove
into bottles and pump
into motel rooms.
we turned on classic rock
to make us feel defiant
and drank bourbon because it
tastes like sorrow.
we danced in the dark,
too drunk to turn on the lights,
or maybe just afraid of what we might see.

I don't exactly have suggestions for change that could trump what has already been said. But I thought I would tell you what I get out of it, and if that's not at all what you mean, then maybe that will give you some direction as well?
I like how everything in this poem is artificial. The scent comes from a can. The defiance is caused by the music. The sorrow comes from the drink. The speaker wants to feel or be other than he/she is, and so creates the mood. Is that why they are afraid to turn on the lights? It will break the spell and then they will see there are no lilacs, no defiance, no sorrow? The people in the room are basically having a manufactured or "canned" experience. I like that we are left to imagine the daylight reality for ourselves. I can't decide between vanilla people who want to feel wilder than they really are, or broken people who want to feel something, even if it's fake.

I absolutely love this piece. The first line is a little vague, because lilacs also have a hint of sour in the aroma - it's a very peculiar scent, so "sweetened the air" doesn't quite nail it. Maybe removing the first line altogether will be enough to nail that puppy to the ground. Lines 2-4 are a bit clunky, even though this is poetry, it's still a sentence fragment and leaves me wanting a bit more resolution. Something to think about there.

Overall - fantastic - the meat of the piece really kicks into gear at the classic rock and bourbon - but I do think the first four lines are needed, albeit edited for oompf and clarity.

Awesome idea and great work.
--E

(07-14-2015, 12:16 PM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote:  lilacs sweetened the air,
or rather the canned scent they shove
into bottles and pump
into motel rooms.
we turned on classic rock
to make us feel defiant
and drank bourbon because it
tastes like sorrow.
we danced in the dark,
too drunk to turn on the lights,
or maybe just afraid of what we might see.