Hi,

This is a first draft of a poem. Looking for criticism. Thanks!

In the wildlife down the footpath,
surrounded by green seas, brick free
The breeze, bees and trees meet at once,
a river and a small castle bathe,
in the smooth natural order
A home which catered for the soul        

I found myself noticing few,
certain qualities there which, I,
also observed within myself    
Soft sand, malleable like clay,
the tide helps it change, morph into,
something solid, fresh, made anew

I, the rocks which the water lapped,
nature's duster shines the rock face
The birds songs appeared to cure,
calm and restitch my mind's loose seams      
Nature's way of healing it made,
time, space and silence culminate

I sought prolonged quiet so,
I could hurl it between my ears
To extract the stress of old tears,
I bathed in an organic spa,
being washed clean of memory,
and any blemishes fear caused

I left a scratch on a large rock,
as to leave myself a trigger
So if I had to show myself,
to remember, how to forget,
I could return to the water,
back to the same mark on the cliff

I think before I could do much critique there would need to be a few periods added. Unless you have a rational that compels you to write outside of the normal rules, it is simple affectation. So here is the first problem, where does this sentence end?

In the wildlife down the footpath, surrounded by green seas, brick free (I assume that the capped "T" is in error as what precedes is a dependent clause and not a sentence) the breeze, bees and trees meet at once, a river and a small castle bathe, in the smooth natural order a home which catered for the soul

So you see, I am having a bit of difficulty making much sense of this word salad, most of which are dependent clauses with no resolution. That is to say, they are senseless. As the rest seems more of the same, I see no reason to continue with a critique.

Sorry, maybe someone will find something of more worth than I do.

Best,

Dale

i

(07-07-2015, 09:19 AM)jams01752 Wrote:  Hi,

This is a first draft of a poem. Looking for criticism. Thanks!

In the wildlife down the footpath, in the wildlife? like... impaled?
surrounded by green seas, brick free
The breeze, bees and trees meet at once, meet
a river and a small castle bathe,
in the smooth natural order
A home which catered for the soul       catered for the soul? don't you mean to

I found myself noticing few, why is there a comma here?
certain qualities there which, I, which, I is a terrible line breaks.
also observed within myself    
Soft sand, malleable like clay,
the tide helps it change, morph into,
something solid, fresh, made anew what are we talking about? what qualities? soft sand like clay. is it sand or clay. Is the sand malleable like clay, or are you. Or is nature?

I, the rocks which the water lapped, You are rocks?
nature's duster shines the rock face natures duster is a terrible metaphore for the sun. I'd think it'd be more fitting for rain....
The birds songs appeared to cure,
calm and restitch my mind's loose seams      
Nature's way of healing it made,
time, space and silence culminate

I sought prolonged quiet so,
I could hurl it between my ears
To extract the stress of old tears,
I bathed in an organic spa,
being washed clean of memory,
and any blemishes fear caused

I left a scratch on a large rock,
as to leave myself a trigger
So if I had to show myself,
to remember, how to forget,
I could return to the water,
back to the same mark on the cliff

I appreciate the effort. Keep trying.


I'd start with a shorter poem. Poetry isn't fabreeze -- Flowery language meant to cover the scent of smelly garbage in the form of weak metaphors and tedious plot.

(07-07-2015, 09:19 AM)jams01752 Wrote:  Hi,

This is a first draft of a poem. Looking for criticism. Thanks!

In the wildlife down the footpath,
surrounded by green seas, brick free
The breeze, bees and trees meet at once,
a river and a small castle bathe,
in the smooth natural order - not seeing much smooth, natural order, as not sure if breeze, bees and trees meet in the wildlife or meet a river and a small castle!  
A home which catered for the soul        

I found myself noticing few,
certain qualities there which, I,
also observed within myself    
Soft sand, malleable like clay,
the tide helps it change, morph into,
something solid, fresh, made anew. - sounds nice, but whatever it morphs into isn't solid because the tide will wash it away. Malleable and morphing, yes ..

I, the rocks which the water lapped,Are you the rocks?
nature's duster shines the rock face  ..well it does, so there.
The birds songs appeared to cure,
calm and restitch my mind's loose seams  
Nature's way of healing it made,
time, space and silence culminate

I sought prolonged quiet so,
I could hurl it between my ears presumably it didn't make much of a sound..
To extract the stress of old tears,
I bathed in an organic spa,
being washed clean of memory, -sounds nice
and any blemishes fear caused

I left a scratch on a large rock, Good
as to leave myself a trigger
So if I had to show myself,
to remember, how to forget,
I could return to the water,
back to the same mark on the cliff

I think it's vaguely, nicely sentimented, regarding the loveliness of nature..as long as you don't look closely at it in order to  critique it. I agree  with Dale, the reader needs some punctuation ..I give up.  Natures difficult to put into words. .. G.

(07-07-2015, 09:53 AM)Erthona Wrote:  I think before I could do much critique there would need to be a few periods added. Unless you have a rational that compels you to write outside of the normal rules, it is simple affectation. So here is the first problem, where does this sentence end?

In the wildlife down the footpath, surrounded by green seas, brick free (I assume that the capped "T" is in error as what precedes is a dependent clause and not a sentence) the breeze, bees and trees meet at once, a river and a small castle bathe, in the smooth natural order a home which catered for the soul

So you see, I am having a bit of difficulty making much sense of this word salad, most of which are dependent clauses with no resolution. That is to say, they are senseless. As the rest seems more of the same, I see no reason to continue with a critique.

Sorry, maybe someone will find something of more worth than I do.

Best,

Dale

Hi,

I thought I had removed this thread for the very reasons you've put in your comment (not having applied any common rules). Thanks for reading it any way and leaving a comment! The theme was meant to be natural healing (as in nature as a form of psychological healing). It's all supposed to be a sort of cleansing image. I'll go away and work on giving it some substance as well as a decent structure. Much appreciated.

James

---

(07-07-2015, 11:55 AM)Grace Wrote:  

(07-07-2015, 09:19 AM)jams01752 Wrote:  Hi,

This is a first draft of a poem. Looking for criticism. Thanks!

In the wildlife down the footpath,
surrounded by green seas, brick free
The breeze, bees and trees meet at once,
a river and a small castle bathe,
in the smooth natural order - not seeing much smooth, natural order, as not sure if breeze, bees and trees meet in the wildlife or meet a river and a small castle!  
A home which catered for the soul        

I found myself noticing few,
certain qualities there which, I,
also observed within myself    
Soft sand, malleable like clay,
the tide helps it change, morph into,
something solid, fresh, made anew. - sounds nice, but whatever it morphs into isn't solid because the tide will wash it away. Malleable and morphing, yes ..

I, the rocks which the water lapped,Are you the rocks?
nature's duster shines the rock face  ..well it does, so there.
The birds songs appeared to cure,
calm and restitch my mind's loose seams  
Nature's way of healing it made,
time, space and silence culminate

I sought prolonged quiet so,
I could hurl it between my ears presumably it didn't make much of a sound..
To extract the stress of old tears,
I bathed in an organic spa,
being washed clean of memory, -sounds nice
and any blemishes fear caused

I left a scratch on a large rock, Good
as to leave myself a trigger
So if I had to show myself,
to remember, how to forget,
I could return to the water,
back to the same mark on the cliff

I think it's vaguely, nicely sentimented, regarding the loveliness of nature..as long as you don't look closely at it in order to  critique it. I agree  with Dale, the reader needs some punctuation ..I give up.  Natures difficult to put into words. .. G.

Hi,

Thanks for the comment! Much work is needed. I'll be back...

---

(07-07-2015, 10:47 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  i

(07-07-2015, 09:19 AM)jams01752 Wrote:  Hi,

This is a first draft of a poem. Looking for criticism. Thanks!

In the wildlife down the footpath, in the wildlife? like... impaled?
surrounded by green seas, brick free
The breeze, bees and trees meet at once, meet
a river and a small castle bathe,
in the smooth natural order
A home which catered for the soul       catered for the soul? don't you mean to

I found myself noticing few, why is there a comma here?
certain qualities there which, I, which, I is a terrible line breaks.
also observed within myself    
Soft sand, malleable like clay,
the tide helps it change, morph into,
something solid, fresh, made anew what are we talking about? what qualities? soft sand like clay. is it sand or clay. Is the sand malleable like clay, or are you. Or is nature?

I, the rocks which the water lapped, You are rocks?
nature's duster shines the rock face natures duster is a terrible metaphore for the sun. I'd think it'd be more fitting for rain....
The birds songs appeared to cure,
calm and restitch my mind's loose seams      
Nature's way of healing it made,
time, space and silence culminate

I sought prolonged quiet so,
I could hurl it between my ears
To extract the stress of old tears,
I bathed in an organic spa,
being washed clean of memory,
and any blemishes fear caused

I left a scratch on a large rock,
as to leave myself a trigger
So if I had to show myself,
to remember, how to forget,
I could return to the water,
back to the same mark on the cliff

I appreciate the effort. Keep trying.


I'd start with a shorter poem. Poetry isn't fabreeze -- Flowery language meant to cover the scent of smelly garbage in the form of weak metaphors and tedious plot.

Hi,

Thanks for the comment, hmmm... i'm getting the feeling I should have maybe put more thought into this... Much appreciated. Cheers for stopping by and taking the time to read..

James

Generally I liked where you were going with this poem. I think there is a lot of potential for gorgeous imagery here. I would, perhaps, consider finding a better way to tie in the nature imagery to how you feel it is reflected in yourself, as I think you intended to do - to me, it feels a bit disjointed in that sense.

Here are some ideas, but certainly go with what ultimately feels best to you - that's the point of poetry after all, right? :-)

(07-07-2015, 09:19 AM)jams01752 Wrote:  Hi,

This is a first draft of a poem. Looking for criticism. Thanks!

In the wildlife down the footpath,
surrounded by green seas, brick free
The breeze, bees and trees meet at once,
a river and a small castle bathe,
in the smooth natural order
A home which catered for the soul I don't quite understand these last three lines. Can you explain what you meant here?       

I found myself noticing few certain qualities there
which I also observed within myself    
Soft sand, malleable like clay, Here is a place to tie the imagery together. How or why are you also malleable like clay?
the tide helps it change
Morph into something solid, fresh, made anew

I, the rocks which the water lapped,
nature's duster shines the rock face
The birds songs appeared to cure,
calm and restitch my mind's loose seams      
Nature's way of healing it made,
time, space and silence culminate

I sought prolonged quiet so,
I could hurl it between my ears
To extract the stress of old tears,
I bathed in an organic spa,
being washed clean of memory,
and any blemishes fear caused

I left a scratch on a large rock,
as to leave myself a trigger
So if I had to show myself,
to remember, how to forget,
I could return to the water,
back to the same mark on the cliff

I stopped part-way through. I hope you don't mind. I figure it might be best for you to take some tips regarding tone and apply additional edits on your own. (Did not mean to rhyme there. Heh)

Best of luck. I think you have a lot to say. With some improvements to technique, your work will be something marvelous.