Somber silence is bombarded by screams of pain.
"How could it happen?" Really? Is it that time again?
Every night a new reason to hate
live streaming entertainment serving answers two seconds too late.

My eyes are sliced by someone else's pain.

The rage suffocating and surrounding pretenses of peace
serves to segregate brothers left crumbling in the crease
of systems which subjugate compromise into something for sell,
while politicians move toward the center of nothing creating new circles of hell.

My heart is pierced by bullets fired into peace.

Oh boy Qdeathstar,

How could it happen again, for sure. Pretty much everything about this piece as a poem, is a train wreck:
- forced rhyming
- uneven meter at best

You really need to do a complete re-write, and present something more than the roughest draft, as I doubt that you find this forum very forgiving for a piece like this. Especially when one considers the seriousness of the subject.

It will take me too long to break it all down for you, and I'd wind up writing the poem for you. That ain't gonna happen. Please remember to hold your fire, as this comes off as an awkward, emotional outburst that could prove to be quite embarrassing.

I hope you have thick skin. Sorry,
... Mark

thanks for your comments, but, I feel it is you that has had an emotional outburst? For example, If "it will take too long to break it all down", I'm left to wonder what the point was in posting at all.

Thanks for your input.

(06-23-2015, 03:13 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  thanks for your comments, but, I feel it is you that has had an emotional outburst? For example, If "it will take too long to break it all down", I'm left to wonder what the point was in posting at all.

Thanks for your input.

Gentlemen, play nice and stick to critique of the poem...and critique is not the same as criticism...
Mod

well, of course I'm looking for critiques... unless everyone thinks this needs a total rewrite. I didn't feel it was that bad o.o

(06-23-2015, 02:07 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  Somber silence is bombarded by screams of pain.You begin with a difficult meter to follow so you probably won't. Dismissing all you have already forgotten about syllable counting, best for beans, you stick a pesky anapest in the middle which you will not be able to reconcile accentually. It sticks out like candle on a slag-heap.
"How could it happen?" Really? Is it that time again?....but not for want of trying you NEARLY make it with "really is (it)" and I appreciate the effort. I note that you have failed to close the quotes which tells me you are distracted.
Every night a new reason to hate...but now we are adrift on an awkward sea...where now the rhythm?
live streaming entertainment serving answers two seconds too late....a breaking wave of froth and little else. To be honest, the line itself does not really make sense. Try as I might, and I am a mighty trier, I cannot get this to "scan" without my spoken-out-loud rendition sounding like gobbledygook.

My eyes are sliced by someone else's pain.Isolated and to be honest, metaphorically inept. How does pain slice? Even if you wrote "My eyes are sliced by someone else's knife" it would be an improvement.

The rage suffocating and surrounding pretenses of peaceWhat rage? Definite articles need definite information a priori.
serves to segregate brothers left crumbling in the crease
of systems which subjugate compromise into something for sell,
while politicians move toward the center of nothing creating new circles of hell.No. You have lost me on the same ocean. You are a rhyme whore now. Let's see....er....peace... aece, beace, cease...yes....cease...I'll probably use cease, deace, feace, geace, yes....geese....no, maybe not, lease, neice....bugger. OK, change the word start...what about cease...or crease, yes...crease ...Huh? Crease?

My heart is pierced by bullets fired into peace.Pity you couldn't get geese in here. You have already used peace. Not good.

You are trying too hard. Start from a secure position. If you want rhyme, fine, but remember that rhymes work both ways. If you are trying to rhyme with orange and cannot, change orange  to Satsuma and off you go. Endless possibilities.
As for needing a rewrite it all depends on YOU. If you are happy READING THIS OUT LOUD to your milkman, enjoy. But stick it here and we'll stick it to you
Best,
tectak

I have no problem with that tectak, but, I did close the quotes!

(06-24-2015, 08:41 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  I have no problem with that tectak, but, I did close the quotes!

Hi qd,
Yes, you did close the quotes...I was not clear. What I meant was that you seemed not to close the quotes at the end of the run-on narrative.
Best,
tectak

I have attempted to remove the gobblygook. Though, I probably still wouldn't read it to my milk man

In a church the sound of prayer is replaced by screams of pain.
The media is shocked. They say "how can it happen again?" It's not surprising to me.
Every night I turn on the news, and I hate it.
Its more entertainment, with actors pretending to offer solutions to the worlds problems.

I'm watching and feeling another victims pain.

Anger, violence, and mistrust stagnate any hope of peace
and cause racial tension which paralyzes our nations ability to move forward as a unified people. We are drowning in bureaucracy.
The government gains from these distractions because it allows them to pretend to do something.
But really there is no compromise, no progress, no hope. Politicians are making things worse.

I'm saddened by the repeated acts of mass shooting.

(06-26-2015, 08:57 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  I have attempted to remove the gobblygook. Though, I probably still wouldn't read it to my milk man

In a church the sound of prayer is replaced by screams of pain.Just screams. Avoids the cliche and overobvious descriptor
The media is shocked. They say "how can it happen again?" It's not surprising to me.Capita H on How. OK. This is prose. They ask, not they say.
Every night I turn on the news, and I hate it.What do you hate? Turning on the news or the news itself? Clumsy.
Its more entertainment, with actors pretending to offer solutions to the worlds problems.It's. World's. This is tedious. Check your work. Getting ranty but impotently so.

I'm watching and feeling another victims pain.Victim's. You have used pain already. Find something new

Anger, violence, and mistrust stagnate any hope of peace You cannot stagnate hope unless hope exists. You can negate, deny,avoid, dispense with, eliminate but not stagnate
and cause racial tension which paralyzes our nations ability to move forward as a unified people. We are drowning in bureaucracy.Nation's. This is the last time. This is now preachy and of limited depth. Yeh, yeh....we have heard it all before. The sentence is so cantilevered past its base that it topples when you hang one small cliche on the end. Nothing new in this.
The government gains from these distractions because it allows them to pretend to do something.Again, nothing to commend this well voiced platitude. You are now gripped by a naive rant and you can do much better.
But really there is no compromise, no progress, no hope. Politicians are making things worse.So why mention this conclusionless conclusion?

I'm saddened by the repeated acts of mass shooting.Are you not disgusted, fuckin furious, outraged, desolated, demoralised, ashamed....no?. Saddened it is, then

Way too much them, not enough you. Too much apostletising (and if that ain't a word it should be), not enough apostrophies.
You pick a BIG subject but just do not let yourself in to the vast cavern of angst that it represents. You need to put REAL passion into any "protest" verse. Unfortunately, you may well think it has all been said before. The sixties decade just about monopolised this kind of affrontery but that is where the real joy begins....there is always a new way. Find it....you'll be glad you did. As it stands, it is just vanilla cream.
Best,
tectak

Hello again qd-
The revision is a slight improvement, though you remain stuck with too much telling (and too little showing).

A poem about such a serious topic is very tough to pull off, and the first person voice needs to be a lot stronger.
Writing "I turn on the news..." and "I hate it" just don't say enough.

After the VA Tech shooting I read a remarkable poem that used a balloon metaphor to great effect:  souls rising like balloons, balloons popping.  It dramatically shifted my perception of that tragic event.

We all are appalled by how these tragedies are packaged by the media, but you need a different approach than to just say that you hate it. Otherwise you wind up on a soapbox, too.  

Contrasting the sound of prayer with the blast of violence may offer a contrast to explore. That said, this topic is very difficult to write about on a personal level.  

It seems that what you really want to write about here are the more general reactions, and that's OK.

Still, just telling me that we are "drowning in bureaucracy" or how the "government gains" does not convince me.  Is this something that a government can even fix?

This is a very hard topic to handle effectively.  Good luck,
... Mark