Stiff Drink

An outburst of outrageous red blisters
the ceiling. White knuckled hand
clutching hot steel
without
feeling.


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(06-22-2015, 10:37 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Stiff Drink

An outburst of outrageous red blisters
the ceiling. White knuckled hand
clutching hot steel
without
feeling.


… mb

Hi mark.
Not enough to crit in this terse verse, in this forum. Trouble is, it sees like there's something missing between L1 and L2.
Sometimes the concentrate is less attractive than the wet solution. Some things just seem to boil dry. This is one example. All for brevity but I would rather have gravy than an OXO cube. ( It's a brit thing).
Don't go thinking I don't get the syntax...I get the blisters verb...but if you get this cute I will move you to short-form along with the Haikus and Senryus
The enjambment doesn't fool anyone. Why not put one word on each line and call it Linguine?
Best,
tectak

Hello tectak-

If there was a forum for one word poetry, I could see myself in it. I got haiku out the yang, and a maddeningly terse piece of monometer verse, as well. (I had no idea what you meant when you said "I will move you.." until I realized that you must have magical moderator powers.) A-HAH!

Oddly enough, "blisters" primary intention is as a noun, so I must have some powerfully inherent sense of cuteness at work that I need to be conscious of, and careful about.

Hopefully I may get entirely independent comments, instead of add-ons to yours, as I do think there is enough to grab on to, or tear in to, with Stiff Drink.

That said, I'm thankful for any comments, and a variety is always most helpful.

With that in mind, I say "thank you", for taking the time to take a sip of Stiff Drink,
...Mark

Hi Mark,

Let me try to give you some feedback on your poem:

(06-22-2015, 10:37 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Stiff Drink --fantastic title. It gives us the right window to view the poem. It provides a way to ground the imagery.

An outburst of outrageous red blisters --I did unfortunately read the critique below which I usually don't do. I'm having a hard time seeing how blisters could be a noun in this construction. If it is meant to be a noun than what is the verb in the sentence? That isn't a huge issue for me. it works as a verb. I like the assonance with your ou sounds in the line. I keep wanting to move blisters down a line though and end the line on red. I'm taking the red to be either the color of the drink, or the visual cue to the experience--maybe inciting an angry outburst. 
the ceiling. White knuckled hand --I'm taking the ceiling in this case to be the roof of the mouth. White knuckled is a little cliche and expected. I get that the drinker is gripping the glass, or gripping something for support but there's probably a more original way to get there. The idea and progression is good, the word choice is just a bit stale.
clutching hot steel--Hot steel is a good way to give a sense of the burn, maybe playing with the idea of liquid metal, or something molten would convey more of the imagery. I'm not sure just thinking out loud.
without --I really don't think without has enough force to carry its own line. When I view it like this I keep wanting to just make it "without feeling" on one line. The idea is hot steel (should hurt)/(drinking beyond pain now) without feeling. It seems like it should be joined.
feeling.


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Just some things to consider. You have a good idea here.

Best,

Todd

(06-22-2015, 10:37 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Stiff Drink

An outburst of outrageous red blisters I like the line break. This line is read a complete thought, then, when read with the next line, becomes a different complete thought. I think you capture the moment strong liquor hits your mouth quite well. I suspext this was the original line that popped into your heard when you started writing this.
the ceiling. White knuckled hand
clutching hot steel
without
feeling.


the next sentence is a lot less successful though. I agree with Todd about white knuckles being cliche... hot steel doesn't really work for me either.. I feel that hot steel has too many positive connotations to be used to describe potential danger in a peice this short.. when I think of hot steel, I think of building something timeless and strong... not getting inebriated.

finally, I think "without feeling" is a little too telling (not enough showing) compared to the rest of the poem.

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Thanks Todd-

Since this piece was re-written before its appearance here, I should say that "blisters" only worked as a noun in the original, until I edited further and co-erced into double-duty as a verb.

What I find interesting is that neither crit has determined the subject matter of this poem, and when I presented it in a live workshop, the subject was the first thing listeners picked up on. Since that workshop, I tweeked it a ( a wee) bit, but haven't received feedback til now. (The previous draft started with "out bursting", which folks voiced objection to, so I changed it.)

How very interesting that the subject eludes the first crits here, and I'll only go as far as to say that the poem is fairly point blank. It is not at all intended as a puzzle.

Arranging this piece as a concrete poem hasn't drawn the negative reaction I anticipated, and it's probably because that form hasn't been recognized as yet. So, at least I know it's subtle...

... Mark

hiya mark,

i love short poems, that whole "say a lot with a few words" concept really works for me. 
and i like the ambiguity here...you as the writer obviously have a scenario in mind 
but this could be interpreted any number of ways.

that said, i do have a few nits:

(06-22-2015, 10:37 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Stiff Drink

An outburst of outrageous red blisters the adjectives don't add anything here; why not just say "a burst of red"?
the ceiling. White knuckled hand the line break here/attempt at enjambment doesn't work for me, try "blisters the ceiling," and move "white knuckled hand" on its own (i would also hyphenate "white knuckled")
clutching hot steel clutches, maybe?
without these last two could be combined, no need for one-word lines here, it just feels like an unnatural stretch of breath
feeling.


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thanks for indulging me. like i said, the ambiguity is nice...i get something different each time i read it.

MAB,

I like the poem and see the gun. However, I am not crazy about the two 'out...'s. Also you could drop the 'hand.' Something like:

An eruption of outrageous red
blisters ceiling. White knuckles
clutch hot steel
without
feeling.

See what you think./Chris

Thanks again tectak-

The interesting thing that happens when one comment is based upon another is that they reinforce each other. In this case, both are off the mark:

- "Hot steel" is not a metaphor. It is literal. Steel, within the context of this poem, would have to be hot, or else it would not be accurate.

- "Stiff drink" is a metaphor. It is not literal.

"Without" and "feeling" may very well be telling, but they are also literally showing (in this case, as part of a concrete poem).

... Mark

(06-23-2015, 04:32 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Thanks Todd-

Since this piece was re-written before its appearance here, I should say that "blisters" only worked as a noun in the original, until I edited further and co-erced into double-duty as a verb.

What I find interesting is that neither crit has determined the subject matter of this poem, and when I presented it in a live workshop, the subject was the first thing listeners picked up on.  Since that workshop, I tweeked it a ( a wee) bit, but haven't received feedback til now. (The previous draft started with "out bursting", which folks voiced objection to, so I changed it.)

How very interesting that the subject eludes the first crits here, and I'll only go as far as to say that the poem is fairly point blank.  It is not at all intended as a puzzle.

Arranging this piece as a concrete poem hasn't drawn the negative reaction I anticipated, and it's probably because that form hasn't been recognized as yet.  So, at least I know it's subtle...

... Mark

Um let me see Suicide by handgun. The stiff drink is what get's you ready to pull the trigger. The red is blood. The white knuckling is rictus. The without and then feeling is the slump into death.

Any closer?

(06-23-2015, 04:59 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Thanks again tectak-

The interesting thing that happens when one comment is based upon another is that they reinforce each other. In this case, both are off the mark:

- "Hot steel" is not a metaphor. It is literal. Steel, within the context of this poem, would have to be hot, or else it would not be accurate.

- "Stiff drink" is a metaphor. It is not literal.


"Without" and "feeling" may very well be telling, but they are also literally showing (in this case, as part of a concrete poem).

... Mark

Well, it's clever.

oops, I double posted a reply and accidentally deleted it along with my THANKS to Christopher.

Christopher: I really appreciate your ideas for tightening down this poem even further. THANKS!

TODD: all closer except for the title. Stiff drink is a metaphor for the gun.

I may have this one done now. (Or should I say, done for now?)

.... Mark

Oh I was taking it as either literal or a metaphor for courage.

Edit: on giving it a second look anyway.

(06-23-2015, 04:59 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Thanks again tectak-

The interesting thing that happens when one comment is based upon another is that they reinforce each other.  In this case, both are off the mark:  

- "Hot steel" is not a metaphor.  It is literal.  Steel, within the context of this poem, would have to be hot, or else it would not be accurate.  

- "Stiff drink" is a metaphor.  It is not literal.

"Without" and "feeling" may very well be telling, but they are also literally showing (in this case, as part of a concrete poem).  

... Mark

I am over credited. I rarely comment on "meaning" (and didn't here) for two reasons. First off, if it is blatant... what's to discuss? Second, if it is obscure I cannot see how I can help by saying so. As a modus operandi it works for me...in case you wondered what I wondered I took "stiff" to be a dead guy; the drink, a bullet in the mouth; the red on the ceiling, blood spatter; hot steel, the gun. Good enough for me so no comment. If I got it wrong...well, whose fault is that
Blistered? Hmmmm.
Best,
tectak

Sorry tectak-

Guilty as charged. I won't bump this thread again unless it is a direct response to a crit (and hopefully to the right person).

... Mark

A lot of comments I refuse to read...most. I did see the "blisters" is not noun thing. Here is a back handed compliment. "Blisters" is a noun in the first line, but not in the second. That is if the first line were read as a sentence, "blisters" reads as a noun. So in a way it creates a double meaning sentence, just not in he way enjambment is suppose to. Is it clever? Yes. Is it cute? Yes. It is also disruptive to the reading and offers nothing beyond being clever or cute. Which means that outside of a line (s) for humor it only offers nonsense.

The second sentence gives little in the way of meaning or instruction as it relates to the first sentence, assuming we go ahead an interpret it as mean a fancy way of saying an outburst of words. The second sentence indicates that it has elicited anger in another and at the moment is restraining that anger, i.e. "white knuckles". Here is what we are not told. Here is what we are not given: CONTEXT. Before a response on  this, it is quite possible to read "stiff drink" as part of this overly crafted and somewhat disjointed metaphor the same as the rest of the poem, although context is not "the scene". No, what we are missing for this to be more than air is some idea about what was said, at least in a general way, that it would elicit the angry response and though I think I am giving more credit than is due, even where this a new telling of the old adage of "anger begets anger" it would still require more substance.
So what is left? There is the cutesy enjambment which I think may have only been a typo, with "on" left out on the second line (which then would make the enjambment only a poor usage, not a completely out of bounds usage). Thus bring the thing down to: Someone shot off his mouth and someone else got angry, but so far hasn't done anything. Name a night in any town of size where this does not happen.

I would suggest moving this to short form, but will leave that in Tom's hands and just add my vote

Dale

---

OH, I did just read that last post before mine. If it is a gun why not write.

White knuckled hand
clutching the grip
of cold (unless it's been fired) steel
without
feeling.

I'm all for the sake of terseness, but not at the sake of clarity. BTW This is also the only way you can make it clear to the reader that this is not a metaphor. Don't be so terse it takes out the necessary elements. Also, I have never heard a gun referred to as "hot steel". If anything it might be said it was "burning steel" because the barrel had gotten so hot from multiple firings touching it would burn you.

Dale

________________________________________________________________________________________
Oh never mind, I read back up through your comments and apparently stiff drink=gun. Are you sure you're not making this up as you go?

Dale

it's too ambiguous to easily say what it's about being shot perhaps, chemical warfare? this is small enough to go in short form poetry. as it stand i get little from the poem and in parts it doesn't give anything either;

without
feeling

is this a death throw?

kismet
hardy

works without feeling in two lines doesn't

(06-22-2015, 10:37 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Stiff Drink

An outburst of outrageous red blisters why are the blisters outrageous, what angered them? a suggestion would be; an outrage of blisters
the ceiling. White knuckled hand for me this line doesn't work well enough to use the enjambment as it is
clutching hot steel
without
feeling.


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