Mundane, repetitive
Painful in a way that can be endured eternally
Heroic to my mother
Surrender to me

Time here marches not in minutes, or hours, or days… but in years.
How many until I get my next week of vacation?
Professional, controlled… alive?
Not dead – death is dramatic.
Death is an end, there is no end here
Gray, sensible and durable

Confrontation is frowned on
Antagonism is a better word
They don’t know what antagonism means
A little antagonism makes the hours move faster
Passion is a sign that you are like the rank and file. Not above them

Stay in line!
You are getting closer to the front, it is better there
Don’t slip, don’t let them know, be a player…team-player
Relaxation technics
College for the boys, travel when you retire

All of this is trivial in comparison to what I am doing it for…
They believe in Daddy
They don’t care if I win the day
They need me to survive and surrender

I have already surrendered
Aren’t there rules about how much?
__

I'm new here and I'm trying to work at getting better with critiques but here are my thoughts on the content of your poem.

(06-09-2015, 03:21 AM)Mr. Creosote Wrote:  Mundane, repetitive
Painful in a way that can be endured eternally
Heroic to my mother
Surrender to me
 
-"Painful in a way that can be endured eternally" I think this is an idea to expand on. Reading your poem, I feel like this dull ache that comes with every day life is more present than surrender. If pain can be endured eternally that is a powerful image. Keep going with that. I would cut "in a way" in order to put more emphasis on the pain itself.
-"Heroic to my mother" As a reader this seems out of place especially with the preceding line not giving any context. Why does she think the speaker is heroic? Because they go about every day life the way society wants? Make this more clear.
-"Surrender to me" This seems out of place here. Who is doing the surrendering? In the poem it appears the main character has surrendered but then they want someone to surrender to them in turn? I'm confused. Sorry.

Time here marches not in minutes, or hours, or days… but in years.
How many until I get my next week of vacation?
Professional, controlled… alive?
Not dead – death is dramatic.  
Death is an end, there is no end here
Gray, sensible and durable
-"Time here marches not in minutes, or hours, or days...but in years" Honestly, there's nothing out of the ordinary about this statement. That's how time works? Find another way to show how time passes slowly.
"Not dead- death is dramatic." I think "not death" would work better.

Confrontation is frowned on
Antagonism is a better word
They don’t know what antagonism means
A little antagonism makes the hours move faster
Passion is a sign that you are like the rank and file. Not above them
-Why don't they know what antagonism means? I don't get it. This stanza is a little haughty honestly. Find another way to show how passion is discouraged.
Stay in line!
You are getting closer to the front, it is better there
Don’t slip, don’t let them know, be a player…team-player
Relaxation technics
College for the boys, travel when you retire
-What's technics? Do you mean techniques?
All of this is trivial in comparison to what I am doing it for…
They believe in Daddy
They don’t care if I win the day
They need me to survive and surrender
-What are they doing "it" for? Explain what 'it" is.
- I like "They believe in Daddy. They don't care if I win the day."
-"They need me to survive and surrender" This kind of ruins the above sentiment
I have already surrendered
Aren’t there rules about how much?
-Develop this idea of surrender more. As I said before "Surrender to me" is unclear. Is it society telling the speaker to surrender? Are there rules about how much? I don't know. You tell us.

__

Overall I like the concept of this poem very much. Mundane, everyday life is something almost everyone can relate to. I think you should keep following this train of thought and try to come up with ways to describe it in a more clear and concise way for your audience to understand your thoughts.
Wishing you the best. Thank you for sharing.

Mr. Creosote,
I have read this poem with intrigue a few times today, while I get the overall theme of the poem I am perhaps still struggling to tie it all together, I have left some thoughts about it below.

(06-09-2015, 03:21 AM)Mr. Creosote Wrote:  Mundane, repetitive ---- These two words are essentially describing the same state and although it could be seen as a device for reinforcing the boring aspect I still feel that one of them is redundant
Painful in a way that can be endured eternally ---- These two lines together make me think instantly of Sisyphus from Greek mythology who was condemned to roll a rock up a hill for eternity, there are other parts of the poem that keep on bringing me back to Sisyphus 
Heroic to my mother
Surrender to me --- These two lines seem disconnected from the first two and I'm wondering who is 'heroic to their mother' and who should be surrendering to who. Also noticed that from your punctuation this first stanza and the next line are all one sentence, is this intentional.
 
Time here marches not in minutes, or hours, or days… but in years. --- Time everywhere seems to 'march' whether it be seconds or centuries which would indicate that it's a cliche, also 'marching' and 'in years' seem to be at odds with each other.
How many until I get my next week of vacation? --- from the previous line I understand this question to be asking how many years it is until your next week's vacation, which makes me wonder if this is some kind of twisted reality were in where that kind of thing is possible. Was this your intention
Professional, controlled… alive?
Not dead – death is dramatic. 
Death is an end, there is no end here --- there's a lot of repetition in these two lines that could be trimmed.
Gray, sensible and durable

Confrontation is frowned on --- upon?
Antagonism is a better word
They don’t know what antagonism means --- who are they?
A little antagonism makes the hours move faster --- I can't quite decide whether the frequent use of the word 'antagonism' here is a clever poetic device to illustrate being 'antagonistic'
Passion is a sign that you are like the rank and file. Not above them

Stay in line!
You are getting closer to the front, it is better there
Don’t slip, don’t let them know, be a player…team-player --- These three lines take me into a kind of Escher "Ascending and Descending" world which is possibly the scenario that you are wanting to paint
Relaxation technics ---- Typo?? Techniques??
College for the boys, travel when you retire

All of this is trivial in comparison to what I am doing it for…
They believe in Daddy
They don’t care if I win the day
They need me to survive and surrender --- This loses me, but at the same time I am intrigued and want so desperately to be able to tie it together. Does the 'Daddy' here tie in with the 'mother' earlier on. The 'Daddy' here almost seems like an Orwellian 'Big Brother' kind of idea???

I have already surrendered
Aren’t there rules about how much?
__

I am intrigued, yet at the same time I am confused about the world that I've been led through. It seems to be a comment on life, society and what some perceive as the boring repetitiveness of a working life, yet there are other things in there that throw me somewhat and make me think that it is perhaps something altogether different. The fact I am intrigued, as I keep on saying, is a good thing in the sense that I believe there is something in this that can be tied together, but the moment I get a huge sense of it being quite disjointed.

I look forward to reading your thoughts on this.
Thanks for the read,

Mark

(06-10-2015, 09:30 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  Mr. Creosote,
I have read this poem with intrigue a few times today, while I get the overall theme of the poem I am perhaps still struggling to tie it all together, I have left some thoughts about it below.

(06-09-2015, 03:21 AM)Mr. Creosote Wrote:  Mundane, repetitive ---- These two words are essentially describing the same state and although it could be seen as a device for reinforcing the boring aspect I still feel that one of them is redundant
Painful in a way that can be endured eternally ---- These two lines together make me think instantly of Sisyphus from Greek mythology who was condemned to roll a rock up a hill for eternity, there are other parts of the poem that keep on bringing me back to Sisyphus 
Heroic to my mother
Surrender to me --- These two lines seem disconnected from the first two and I'm wondering who is 'heroic to their mother' and who should be surrendering to who. Also noticed that from your punctuation this first stanza and the next line are all one sentence, is this intentional.
 
Time here marches not in minutes, or hours, or days… but in years. --- Time everywhere seems to 'march' whether it be seconds or centuries which would indicate that it's a cliche, also 'marching' and 'in years' seem to be at odds with each other.
How many until I get my next week of vacation? --- from the previous line I understand this question to be asking how many years it is until your next week's vacation, which makes me wonder if this is some kind of twisted reality were in where that kind of thing is possible. Was this your intention
Professional, controlled… alive?
Not dead – death is dramatic. 
Death is an end, there is no end here --- there's a lot of repetition in these two lines that could be trimmed.
Gray, sensible and durable

Confrontation is frowned on --- upon?
Antagonism is a better word
They don’t know what antagonism means --- who are they?
A little antagonism makes the hours move faster --- I can't quite decide whether the frequent use of the word 'antagonism' here is a clever poetic device to illustrate being 'antagonistic'
Passion is a sign that you are like the rank and file. Not above them

Stay in line!
You are getting closer to the front, it is better there
Don’t slip, don’t let them know, be a player…team-player --- These three lines take me into a kind of Escher "Ascending and Descending" world which is possibly the scenario that you are wanting to paint
Relaxation technics ---- Typo?? Techniques??
College for the boys, travel when you retire

All of this is trivial in comparison to what I am doing it for…
They believe in Daddy
They don’t care if I win the day
They need me to survive and surrender --- This loses me, but at the same time I am intrigued and want so desperately to be able to tie it together. Does the 'Daddy' here tie in with the 'mother' earlier on. The 'Daddy' here almost seems like an Orwellian 'Big Brother' kind of idea???

I have already surrendered
Aren’t there rules about how much?
__

I am intrigued, yet at the same time I am confused about the world that I've been led through. It seems to be a comment on life, society and what some perceive as the boring repetitiveness of a working life, yet there are other things in there that throw me somewhat and make me think that it is perhaps something altogether different. The fact I am intrigued, as I keep on saying, is a good thing in the sense that I believe there is something in this that can be tied together, but the moment I get a huge sense of it being quite disjointed.

I look forward to reading your thoughts on this.
Thanks for the read,

Mark

Mark, thanks for your comments and interest. I am a manager at a large corporation. So, this is a somewhat trite description of how if feels to me to be what I am. I think it is great that you picked up the allusion to Sisyphus.

Well, as I said the subject is somewhat trite. Who doesn't mourn the loss of time to the boredom and soullessness of work (especially office work)? I guess when I wrote it I was at least trying to obscure the tired narrative, but I was also trying to set up a kind of stream of consciousness that bounced from self-pity, to anger at the people I work with, to the fact that I feel I have to continue up the ladder and then I get to the reason that I am doing this: I do it for my kids.

Anyhow, I hope that explains what I trying to say. Thanks again for your comments

Mr. Creosote,

Thanks for the explanation, it seems that my reading of it was pretty much spot on in the overall sense, it was more to do with the actual specifics where I was left wondering somewhat. It makes sense now with how you've explained it now, however if you were to use a metaphor to symbolise this world that you are describing I think that this would tie it all together and enable it to work better as a poem.

The mention of Sisyphus is interesting because this is the kind of scenario that you could use as the metaphor. The image of pushing a rock up a hill and the inevitability of it rolling back down again ready for the whole process to be repeated with seemingly no purpose or end is an image that would definitely work in this scenario. Although the Sisyphus concept has been used already as a metaphor so perhaps something similar, unless of course you come up with an entirely original way of using it. It doesn't even have to be an edit of this poem as such, it could be a new poem with the same ideas but an entirely different way of tying it together.

Thanks,

Mark