Clockwerk



A single cog, set deep within the clock
has no concerns, shows apathy for rhyme.
It fails. Now people separate from time -
they decorate the streets with sidewalk chalk
and skip the trolley where the shuttlecock
has ceased or mock the traffic stopped like mime.
Some laugh away the lunch bell's missing chime
and lights no longer tell them not to walk.


But meter waits between the streetlight hollows -
each missing beat, a debt that must be paid.
So clockwerk minuets reform the march -
a spring transfers the strain, a brass disc follows;
the interlocking gears form a parade
and two forgotten hands reclaim the arch.

Hi milo, 

I don't often comment on formal poetry. Probably because I slant so much toward free verse that I don't feel I have a lot to offer to those who do this more. Let me give you some feedback though on your Italian Sonnet.

So, I puzzled a bit over your spelling of the title. I'm not sure I'm reading your intent. Why not use a conventional spelling I thought? It makes me think you might be going for parody, or a type of modern deconstruction. The spelling choice does draw me to the work though and provides more interest than the conventional spelling would. 

Even if I'm misinterpreting intent, the content is what draws me to this poem. My issue with some formal poetry that I read in the workshop is that there is such emphasis to meet the standards of the form that content gets sacrificed. Forced rhyme is an obvious sign of this, but usually its deeper than that. This poem does not suffer from that problem.

I took this as a retelling of the deist parable God as a clockmaker. Who creates and departs and the mechanism continues. Clearly it could work in a variety of other ways but this was where my reading took me.

(06-05-2015, 12:06 PM)milo Wrote:  Clockwerk 

A single cog, set deep within the clock--I like that this cog is set deep within the clock. What has gone wrong is hidden from most and as it is set deep cannot be diagnosed. Wrongness can be determined by the effect, but the cause is unknowable to most.
has no concerns, shows apathy for rhyme.--There is an autonomy in the cog. I like this apathy of rhyme as a means of saying it has fallen out of synchronization with the machine--but there is intent in it as the cog is personified.
It fails. Now people separate from time ---Perfect spot in the content for a caesura. So this to me was the fall of man. "Separate from time" is such a nice extension of the metaphor. They fall from their original design.
they decorate the streets with sidewalk chalk--They begin to show their originality, their creative spark.
and skip the trolley where the shuttlecock
has ceased or mock the traffic stopped like mime.--These two lines are nice. I love the image of the shuttlecock frozen in the air, or the traffic stopped like a mime was giving a performance. So the people are free but the world they are in is unmoving. You get the sense of a diorama that has lost its motion.
Some laugh away the lunch bell's missing chime
and lights no longer tell them not to walk.--This seems to speak of a self rule rather than any kind of divinely inspired rule.


But meter waits between the streetlight hollows ---So you've introduced a half foot here. Is this elision? I've been puzzling through the vowels and I'm not sure. I think it's mostly a choice you've made which reads fine to me--so, I'm not bothered by it. Here's what I love about this line. We have the cog earlier having apathy to rhyme. At the turn, meter is introduced to bring order back. By choosing these elements, I could also say that the poem talks about the order and freedom in creation. To create this clockwork, pardon clockwerk is one thing (which might also give an answer to the title in that are sidewalk chalk creations are clockwerk unless they are tempered by some level of control) so this could also be a commentary on the creation of effective art.
each missing beat, a debt that must be paid.--Beautiful in the context, and also an idea of sin and debt.
So clockwerk minuets reform the march -
a spring transfers the strain, a brass disc follows;
the interlocking gears form a parade--Lovely progression
and two forgotten hands reclaim the arch.--The missing clock maker has returned.

So, there's a lot of interpretation in what I've given feedback on. I'm not sure therefore, it these comments will be of much use to you. I hope you take something from them though.

Best,

Todd

I left out, "streetlight hollows" is my favorite phrase and image in the poem. Evocative and I wish I came up with it.

(06-06-2015, 12:13 AM)Todd Wrote:  Hi milo, 

I don't often comment on formal poetry. Probably because I slant so much toward free verse that I don't feel I have a lot to offer to those who do this more. Let me give you some feedback though on your Italian Sonnet.

So, I puzzled a bit over your spelling of the title. I'm not sure I'm reading your intent. Why not use a conventional spelling I thought? It makes me think you might be going for parody, or a type of modern deconstruction. The spelling choice does draw me to the work though and provides more interest than the conventional spelling would. 

Even if I'm misinterpreting intent, the content is what draws me to this poem. My issue with some formal poetry that I read in the workshop is that there is such emphasis to meet the standards of the form that content gets sacrificed. Forced rhyme is an obvious sign of this, but usually its deeper than that. This poem does not suffer from that problem.

I took this as a retelling of the deist parable God as a clockmaker. Who creates and departs and the mechanism continues. Clearly it could work in a variety of other ways but this was where my reading took me.

(06-05-2015, 12:06 PM)milo Wrote:  Clockwerk 

A single cog, set deep within the clock--I like that this cog is set deep within the clock. What has gone wrong is hidden from most and as it is set deep cannot be diagnosed. Wrongness can be determined by the effect, but the cause is unknowable to most.
has no concerns, shows apathy for rhyme.--There is an autonomy in the cog. I like this apathy of rhyme as a means of saying it has fallen out of synchronization with the machine--but there is intent in it as the cog is personified.
It fails. Now people separate from time ---Perfect spot in the content for a caesura. So this to me was the fall of man. "Separate from time" is such a nice extension of the metaphor. They fall from their original design.
they decorate the streets with sidewalk chalk--They begin to show their originality, their creative spark.
and skip the trolley where the shuttlecock
has ceased or mock the traffic stopped like mime.--These two lines are nice. I love the image of the shuttlecock frozen in the air, or the traffic stopped like a mime was giving a performance. So the people are free but the world they are in is unmoving. You get the sense of a diorama that has lost its motion.
Some laugh away the lunch bell's missing chime
and lights no longer tell them not to walk.--This seems to speak of a self rule rather than any kind of divinely inspired rule.


But meter waits between the streetlight hollows ---So you've introduced a half foot here. Is this elision? I've been puzzling through the vowels and I'm not sure. I think it's mostly a choice you've made which reads fine to me--so, I'm not bothered by it. Here's what I love about this line. We have the cog earlier having apathy to rhyme. At the turn, meter is introduced to bring order back. By choosing these elements, I could also say that the poem talks about the order and freedom in creation. To create this clockwork, pardon clockwerk is one thing (which might also give an answer to the title in that are sidewalk chalk creations are clockwerk unless they are tempered by some level of control) so this could also be a commentary on the creation of effective art.
each missing beat, a debt that must be paid.--Beautiful in the context, and also an idea of sin and debt.
So clockwerk minuets reform the march -
a spring transfers the strain, a brass disc follows;
the interlocking gears form a parade--Lovely progression
and two forgotten hands reclaim the arch.--The missing clock maker has returned.

So, there's a lot of interpretation in what I've given feedback on. I'm not sure therefore, it these comments will be of much use to you. I hope you take something from them though.

Best,

Todd

So, First let me say, thanks for the fantastic feedback, you definitely give way more than you get.

I suppose I should have noticed much before that you restrict yourself to free verse but you are sonically aware in your poetry so i guess i always assumed you just didn't bother work shopping formal verse.  It is good to hear you weren't overly bothered by the sonnet form here.

So - the reason for the odd spelling in the title.  I had 2 reasons, 1 of which you guessed easily enough was a gimmick to sucker readers in, the other was because i wanted the imagery to have a steam punk feel to it without actually explicitly forcing it.  For me, the odd spelling is reminiscent of steam punk so i gave it a shot.

You called out the feminine ending on the volta.  This was initially another gimmick - a callout to the next line "each missing beat a debt that must be paid" - I'd hoped the extra syllable would feel like a clock catching up - paying for the missing time earlier. That being said, I use a lot of feminine endings in my sonnets so it probably wouldn't stand out a lot.

I liked your interpretation of it.  Your reading was quite helpful.

Milo,

I remember your original post and I love this poem.
I appreciate the steampunk atmosphere and theme. If there
is a way of making a reversed 'e' in clockwerk, I would do it.
I do have a couple suggestions after this particular reading.

There's a bit of an uncomfortable gap between 'It fails.' and 'Now...'
I am not sure you need it and I am not certain what the 'Now' adds.
What about: 'It fails, then people separate from time...' There may
be better continuity without the full stop. I may not appreciate
the dramatic pause.

'The last line of the octave has a double negative sound and quality
with the 'no' and 'not.' If you replace the not with 'when,' you may impart
a better sound and/or provide a more accurate description of the traffic light purpose.
See if you think so as well.

The final line in your sestet is lovely, but does it have to begin with 'So...?'
The word is always a bit weak. What about something like 'Once clockwerk minuets...'

Regardless of further edits, this is a superior piece. Thanks for sharing it again./Chris

(06-09-2015, 02:40 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Milo,

I remember your original post and I love this poem.
I appreciate the steampunk atmosphere and theme. If there
is a way of making a reversed 'e' in clockwerk, I would do it.
I do have a couple suggestions after this particular reading.

There's a bit of an uncomfortable gap between 'It fails.' and 'Now...'
I am not sure you need it and I am not certain what the 'Now' adds.
What about: 'It fails, then people separate from time...' There may
be better continuity without the full stop. I may not appreciate
the dramatic pause.

'The last line of the octave has a double negative sound and quality
with the 'no' and 'not.' If you replace the not with 'when,' you may impart
a better sound and/or provide a more accurate description of the traffic light purpose.
See if you think so as well.

The final line in your sestet is lovely, but does it have to begin with 'So...?'
The word is always a bit weak. What about something like 'Once clockwerk minuets...'

Regardless of further edits, this is a superior piece. Thanks for sharing it again./Chris

Some pretty good comments here Chris.  This is an updated version and I can see some of the changes aren't really working as intended so I am due for another edit or 2.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

Greeting milo

I liked your title. very catchy to this reader. It makes me think about an abnormality, a quirky clock so to speak.
The cog, not knowing or caring what's going on around it, then fails to continue  its function, which in turns disrupts the lives and objects it usually controls.  A very in depth piece of work. I wouldn't change a thing.
Thanks for sharing.

(06-14-2015, 05:52 AM)Forestdawn Wrote:  Greeting milo

I liked your title. very catchy to this reader. It makes me think about an abnormality, a quirky clock so to speak.
The cog, not knowing or caring what's going on around it, then fails to continue  its function, which in turns disrupts the lives and objects it usually controls.  A very in depth piece of work. I wouldn't change a thing.
Thanks for sharing.

While I appreciate the sentiment,  this comment is not adequate for the serious worshipping section.