intrinsic
cryptic key
locks seldom fit
elastic 
you bend
I arch, feet
entwined 
bared chest
each beat finite
(enraged 
lost code
BREAK HIS FACE
toxic
they'll boil
KILL THE FAG)
explode
I come
then I fall
infallible
I'm told
not to fear 
Why am I trembling? 
In the darkness
there are hands

(05-28-2015, 11:31 AM)Jae Mc Donnell Wrote:  intrinsic
cryptic key
locks seldom fit
elastic 
you bend
I arch, feet
entwined 
bared chest
each beat finite
(enraged 
lost code
BREAK HIS FACE
toxic
they'll boil
KILL THE FAG)
explode
I come
then I fall
infallible <-- these three lines are amazing together
I'm told
not to fear 
Why am I trembling? 
In the darkness
there are hands

Dude, I absolutely love this. I'm not sure if you left out a lot of punctuation intentionally or not, but I'm a huge fan of the fragmented, disjointed flow of pieces like these. However, I would add some punctuation at the end because at the moment it leaves it kind of open.

Honestly, I would add a break before the last two lines, just to give the reader the breath/pause that I feel is naturally there.

The middle seems a bit shaky and I think that's your only weakness here. The flow in is good, the flow out could be perfected.

Awesome poem. Absolutely love it.

Sent shivers down my spine. When you came in and out of all caps...that did it for me.

"In the darkness/there are hands" powerful, aching, mysterious way to end this.

I can tell (maybe I'm wrong) that this is a very personal experience for you. As Azrhael mentioned, the phrases atop of each other gives your poem more impact than it would have had you written it in a different way.

One thing--I felt "Why am I trembling" was weaker compared to the other lines of the poem. I don't think you should take the line out entirely (you need a transition between "I'm told/not to fear" and "In the darkness") but maybe come up with something stronger.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading this (three times) to a great extent. Well done.

there are hands.

Scary!!

but... if i look at the poem from a different angle..

I think this is a poem about being in the closet. Scared to come out.
If it is it is brilliant.