Poetry in Real Time Pt3

twelve is later than nine.

you can't just call a friend
and tell them about Snoop 
on Jimmy Fallon.

Some friends you can.

Hi Paul,

I like the 'matter of fact' first line which says so much more than its straight forward reading. I kind of want it to be "one is later than nine" just so it seems less logical, if that makes sense, although 'twelve' does sound better.

Did you consider "any friend" for line 2. When reading it the way it is now with 'a friend' I feel as though it is more leaning towards implying that the friends that you can call late at night are 'better' friends, although I'm sure this isn't your intention. Whereas I feel that "any friend" changes it slightly and reinforces the notion of different worlds that the first line alludes to, that's just the feeling I get from reading it.

I had to google who Jimmy Fallon was. Either it's because I'm British or I'm just not cool... Or both.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

(05-19-2015, 12:31 PM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  Hi Paul,

I like the 'matter of fact' first line which says so much more than its straight forward reading. I kind of want it to be "one is later than nine" just so it seems less logical, if that makes sense, although 'twelve' does sound better.

Did you consider "any friend" for line 2. When reading it the way it is now with 'a friend' I feel as though it is more leaning towards implying that the friends that you can call late at night are 'better' friends, although I'm sure this isn't your intention. Whereas I feel that "any friend" changes it slightly and reinforces the notion of different worlds that the first line alludes to, that's just the feeling I get from reading it.

I had to google who Jimmy Fallon was. Either it's because I'm British or I'm just not cool... Or both.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

Thanks Mark. Ya, line 2 might be better with "any". I think "a" is a little more reflective of the narrator simply realizing they were wrong about the first thought. ( but I get that it's a bit of a hiccup)
Appreciate your thoughts as always.

Paul,

I see no reason for the lack of caps. This is a shot poem not a Japanese bastard poem.
I like the "any" suggestion.
As this is in a matter of fact style, I would put

"Well...some friends you can."

for the last line. But then again, I am probably inclined to use that sort of device too much. It just seems it could use a pause at that point. Your poem.

I also like the idea of one o'clock, but that would make it too late, wouldn't it?

Dale