Ok, I have read the rules -- I read about the things I'm not suppose to do as a Novice -- I have voiced my opinion on the required number of poems - So now, I am ready to post my 1st poem (am I really?) At the least, I am game -- so here it is -- I write in what I call an Elementary 4 line style. I'm sure there is an official name for it, but then again, I am a Novice - so what do I know    -- Snarly--

Tis a Grand Day to Die

Gather round all my men
And set your sights on high
For the time has come to set about
Tis a grand day to die

Gather round, all that will
For the battle is oh so near
Stand steady all my friends
For there is nay a reason to fear

Lock and load and cinch up tight
And kiss the ladies bye
For the time has come among us
On this grand day to die

The demons that set our souls afire
And makes the weak ones cry
Stands before us in battle dress
Tis a grand day to die

No more noble a cause is there
Than to raise your saber high
And face death’s troubling ways
On this grand day to die

Fear not what tomorrow brings
Stare today straight in the eye
For it is now that must be dealt with
On this grand day to die !!!!!

(Just to let you know before hand people tend to think that I am uncommonly brutal in my critiques, as well as generally full of shit. So, yo may wish to forgo the following completely.)

Four lines grouped together are called a quatrain. This seems to be an ear attempt to write in ballad meter. However if this is to be said to be written in anything, it would be accentual verse with varying line length. It is similar to such ballads as "Lord Randall" (see below) circa mid 1600's, where the last line is repeated. This was fine in that oral tradition, however as poetry has moved more towards a literary form and away from the oral storytelling form, the repetition becomes more obvious, less effective and seen more as an affectation. As I suspect you lack the ability to approximate a Scottish accent, I would excise the two partial attempts here: "nay" and "Tis". I can appreciate you lifting the Indian phrase (I can't remember if it was Lakota or the Dene/Apache) "It's a good day to die" and turning it into "It's a grand day to die", although it does seem a little Rodger's and Hammerstein, a la "State Fair"

There are definitely a number of clunky lines lines, one of the more egregious, "For it is now that must be dealt with".
Not only is it wrong grammatically, but it is just wrong.

Welcome to the site

Best,

Dale
________________________________________________________________
Lord Randall

"Oh where ha'e ye been, Lord Randall my son?
O where ha'e ye been, my handsome young man?"
"I ha'e been to the wild wood: mother, make my bed soon,
For I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."

"Where gat ye your dinner, Lord Randall my son?
Where gat ye your dinner, my handsome young man?"
"I dined wi' my true love; mother, make my bed soon,
For I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."

"What gat ye to your dinner, Lord Randall my son?
What gat ye to your dinner, my handsome young man?"
"I gat eels boiled in broo: mother, make my bed soon,
For I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."

"What became of your bloodhounds, Lord Randall my son?
What became of your bloodhounds, my handsome young man?"
"O they swelled and they died: mother, make my bed soon,
for I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."

"O I fear ye are poisoned, Lord Randall my son!
O I fear ye are poisoned, my handsome young man!"
"O yes, I am poisoned: mother, make my bed soon,
For I'm sick at the heart, and I fain wald lie down."

(04-24-2015, 04:01 AM)Snarly Locks Wrote:  Ok, I have read the rules -- I read about the things I'm not suppose to do as a Novice -- I have voiced my opinion on the required number of poems - So now, I am ready to post my 1st poem (am I really?) At the least, I am game -- so here it is -- I write in what I call an Elementary 4 line style. I'm sure there is an official name for it, but then again, I am a Novice - so what do I know    -- Snarly--

Tis a Grand Day to Die

Gather round all my men
And set your sights on high
For the time has come to set about
Tis a grand day to die

Gather round, all that will
For the battle is oh so near
Stand steady all my friends
For there is nay a reason to fear

Lock and load and cinch up tight
And kiss the ladies bye
For the time has come among us
On this grand day to die

The demons that set our souls afire
And makes the weak ones cry
Stands before us in battle dress
Tis a grand day to die

No more noble a cause is there
Than to raise your saber high
And face death’s troubling ways
On this grand day to die

Fear not what tomorrow brings
Stare today straight in the eye
For it is now that must be dealt with
On this grand day to die !!!!!

Hi, Snarley, welcome. I think a steady meter would help, and you are not so far off that you couldn't achieve it. It's more the meaning, or lack of it that bothers me, particularly:

"No more noble a cause is there
Than to raise your saber high
And face death’s troubling ways
On this grand day to die"

The cause is to raise your saber high? I doubt it, but I never do find out what these people are willing to die for. Is it there and I'm missing it? For me, without that the poem doesn't matter.

I hope this helps, and hope you enjoy the site.

I'm almost getting a Gaelic feel from some of the archaic-sounding language. If this is about the Troubles---then I'd think sabers wouldn't be the weapon used so I'm gonna guess maybe Irish Civil War?

That's what ella is talking about I guess..if I'm going to die, I want to know why. Plus almost every war/battle movie ever had this same speech in it somewhere...touting the benefits of death today vs the oppression of evil...blah blah been said a million times. Poetry is all about saying something original in a way that hasn't been done before---and that's why it's so hard to accomplish given that everything's been said before.

Not trying to be discouraging...I'm trying to inspire you to dig deeper into your imagination. Make sense?

It's not bad. A bit of work could make it vastly improved (re: meter and explanation of theme)

If you don't understand meter, think of it as having each line be at least close in the amount of syllables. If you know what iambs are, you start out alternating a tetrameter with trimeter, which is absolutely fine if you keep up that pattern, but you don't. If you don't know what iambs are, feel free to pm me and we can discuss it off thread.

Welcome aboard, looking forward to seeing where this goes and other work from you!

mel.

I appreciate the critique. Being new here (or any forum) I'm not sure if it is proper to explain my thought process. It does make me look at this from different angles. The most troubling angle for me is my obvious failed attempt at using adequate metaphors. Granted it has a Gaelic rings, but the intent was more "old style" military -- my 1st failure ---
It was pointed out the line --- "For it is now that must be dealt with" -- "it is just wrong" - If I might ask (again I am not disputing the statement- rather seeming clarification). The lines leading up to this talks of "Tomorrow" and "Today" ---- so "NOW" was an attempt to convey the "Present" -- and perhaps Present would have worked better.

As far as the "Sabers" not being a proper weapon - that again was a failed attempt on my part "Than to raise your saber high" --- was another failed attempt. Raising a Sabers high is just symbolic of an attack -- the intent was to emphasize the action -- not the weapon.  "Set your sights on High" and "Lock and load and cinch up tight" are more modern military terms. This really had no time frame.  

Bena pointed out if I'm going to die, I want to know why. I couldn't agree more --- Again another failed attempt.

"The demons that set our souls afire"
"And makes the weak ones cry"
"Stands before us in battle dress"

The demons were meant to be any enemy that was capable of setting fire to the soul of a brave person and make the less brave cry --- and they stood ready to attack --- in their "battle dress" -- So again -- the intent or reason to die -- could be called  the enemy outside your door --  

Again, I appreciate the critique and will give it another "stab" --

you are what this site looks for, you take the feedback well and don't pontificate how right your work is. that said, it isn't a failure, and you have failed in certain parts. you wrote a poem in need of a few edits. we all write poetry the same way. [okay one or two here are extreemely good and need few if any edits. but in general we're mainly of the same ilk.
we're also fine with showing a thought process after you've had a certain amount of feedback,

welcome to the forum.

(04-24-2015, 09:02 AM)Snarly Locks Wrote:  I appreciate the critique. Being new here (or any forum) I'm not sure if it is proper to explain my thought process. It does make me look at this from different angles. The most troubling angle for me is my obvious failed attempt at using adequate metaphors. Granted it has a Gaelic rings, but the intent was more "old style" military -- my 1st failure ---
It was pointed out the line --- "For it is now that must be dealt with" -- "it is just wrong" - If I might ask (again I am not disputing the statement- rather seeming clarification). The lines leading up to this talks of "Tomorrow" and "Today" ---- so "NOW" was an attempt to convey the "Present" -- and perhaps Present would have worked better.

As far as the "Sabers" not being a proper weapon - that again was a failed attempt on my part "Than to raise your saber high" --- was another failed attempt. Raising a Sabers high is just symbolic of an attack -- the intent was to emphasize the action -- not the weapon.  "Set your sights on High" and "Lock and load and cinch up tight" are more modern military terms. This really had no time frame.  

Bena pointed out if I'm going to die, I want to know why. I couldn't agree more --- Again another failed attempt.

"The demons that set our souls afire"
"And makes the weak ones cry"
"Stands before us in battle dress"

The demons were meant to be any enemy that was capable of setting fire to the soul of a brave person and make the less brave cry --- and they stood ready to attack --- in their "battle dress" -- So again -- the intent or reason to die -- could be called  the enemy outside your door --  

Again, I appreciate the critique and will give it another "stab" --

don't tell a shit of poets what style you write in, you'll get a shit load or replies saying you don't.

after a quick couple of reads it's clear to see the poem is written in the quatrains without a constant meter. see here to know a bit more about basic meter.

the title sort of tells us to expect an archaic style of poetry or period piece which isn't really consistent with the poem. it's a grand day to die works just as well. watch out and if possible steer clear of cliche: No more noble a cause is there
watch out for wordiness or excess fluff: For the battle is oh so near the battle is near
only use refrains to re enforce or add weight to something. finally, add depth to the poems you write. in general your poem feels to be a generic conflict of heroism and bravery. there are no strong images of war.
here's an excerpt from Tennyson's charge of the light brigade. [they had sabres]

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
undefined Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
undefined Rode the six hundred.

the above is just an example of how you can make a poem reek of war in a specific and original way.

(04-24-2015, 04:01 AM)Snarly Locks Wrote:  Tis a Grand Day to Die

Gather round all my men
And set your sights on high
For the time has come to set about
Tis a grand day to die

Gather round, all that will
For the battle is oh so near
Stand steady all my friends
For there is nay a reason to fear

Lock and load and cinch up tight
And kiss the ladies bye
For the time has come among us
On this grand day to die

The demons that set our souls afire
And makes the weak ones cry
Stands before us in battle dress
Tis a grand day to die

No more noble a cause is there
Than to raise your saber high
And face death’s troubling ways
On this grand day to die

Fear not what tomorrow brings
Stare today straight in the eye
For it is now that must be dealt with
On this grand day to die !!!!!

Just a quick,  slight editing on the first three stanzas. It does not put it in correct meter, it just smooths out what you have. To do that would require to much alteration. It is accentual verse, but it mimics ballad meter. Just to give you an example.

"Gather round all my men
set your sights on high,
the time has come to set about
on this grand day to die.

Gather round, now all that will;
the battle's very near.
Stand tall my brave and stalwart friends,
there is no cause to fear.

Lock and load, then cinch up tight
kiss the ladies bye.
The time has come among us lads
on this grand day to die."

dale