Why do we wait?
navigate shiny nicknacks that compass no future,
gnaw time through television shrines with
temporary faces in vogue a decade
(ere retirement for next) in
perpetual social myopia. I remember
Julian the Apostate had a beard when it wasn't O.K,
and didn't care but he was Emperor.

Why don't I call my mother, tell her I love her?
Why didn't I tell my father?
Why don't I write that novel? (Hemingway wrote his at 26).
My arms, like Atlas, quiver
while I ponder perfect
sentences.
Meanwhile my blood shambles
through skin tunnels,
my wrinkles pool like treebark
while I aspire to be verdigris.

I think there are many good things to say about this write. The meaning of the poem is not one I come across too often, so that's nice. It contains metaphors I find lovely: "television shrines", compass nicknacks... I'd say some of them, however, could do with being made a bit clearer e.g. are the "television shrines": shrines that happen to be TVs, or shrines built to celebrate tellys?

The occasional rhyming doesn't help me, instead it interrupts the poem.

(04-14-2015, 12:18 PM)aland88 Wrote:  Why do we wait?
navigate shiny nicknacks that compass no future, This line might have a grammar problem: should the beginning of the line be capitalised, would it not make more sense to write "We navigate shiny..."?
Also, I've just looked it up and compass when used as a verb means either; to go round, to contrive or to comprehend. When I first read this line it seemed to me that you were suggesting that the nicknacks were rubbish metaphorical compasses for making your way through time. If that was your intention, perhaps rewrite the line to make compass a noun e.g. We navigate using shiny nicknacks as meagre compasses.
gnaw time through television shrines with
temporary faces in vogue a decade
(ere retirement for next) in
perpetual social myopia. I remember
Julian the Apostate had a beard when it wasn't O.K,
and didn't care but he was Emperor. Is there a grammar problem here? Should there be a comma before "but"?

Why don't I call my mother, tell her I love her?
Why didn't I tell my father?
Why don't I write that novel? (Hemingway wrote his at 26).
My arms, like Atlas, quiver
while I ponder perfect
sentences. Why the choice of line lengths here?
Meanwhile my blood shambles
through skin tunnels,
my wrinkles pool like treebark Hmm, I'm not sure I agree with this line - does tree bark pool? I know what you mean. The skin of the voice is wrinkling in old age. Perhaps the wrinkles crease, or fold, or are waved...
while I aspire to be verdigris. I think you were right to end on this line, I found the idea the strongest of the bunch.

Really appreciate the feedback, Groberts! Some of the stuff I did intentionally. I'm not satisfied with the start either: have contemplated putting "we" or simply beginning with "navigate" and was curious to know what the critique would be, so this is helpful in steering me in the right direction. Some things I took intentional liberties with, such as wanting "and didn't care but he was Emperor" to be one breath and, knowing compass was not in the vernacular, I just thought it was so telling as a verb.

Kill your darlings, though, and you've given me plenty to think about in what might confuse or disorient the reader. Thank you again.

(04-21-2015, 03:58 AM)aland88 Wrote:  Really appreciate the feedback, Groberts!  Some of the stuff I did intentionally. I'm not satisfied with the start either: have contemplated putting "we" or simply beginning with "navigate" and was curious to know what the critique would be, so this is helpful in steering me in the right direction. Some things I took intentional liberties with, such as wanting "and didn't care but he was Emperor" to be one breath and, knowing compass was not in the vernacular, I just thought it was so telling as a verb.

Kill your darlings, though, and you've given me plenty to think about in what might confuse or disorient the reader. Thank you again.  

I thought the verb "compass" to be the brightest spot in the poem. Don't lose it.

Quote:try and bold out changes or critiques so the readers can see the changes. you can also copy and past the original into a post for comparison./ mod

I'm new to this critic thing. So how about a whole restructuring?

I know it's your voice, but how's this? Disrupting the flow?

(04-14-2015, 12:18 PM)aland88 Wrote:  Why do we wait
navigate shiny nicknacks that compass no future
gnaw time through television shrines
with temporary faces in vogue a decade
(ere retirement for next)
in perpetual social myopia.

I remember Julian the Apostate had a beard when it wasn't OK
and didn't care
but he was Emperor

Why don't I call my mother?
tell her I love her?
Why didn't I tell my father?
Why don't I write that novel?
Hemingway wrote his at 26

My arms, like Atlas, quiver
while I ponder perfect sentences.

Meanwhile my blood shambles through skin tunnels,
my wrinkles pool like treebark
while I aspire to be verdigris.

My favorite part of the poem was definitely the last four lines, particularly, "Meanwhile my blood shambles through skin tunnels..."
The poem as a whole, I think, is a great ode to wasted time and aspirations. There's an inescapable feeling of loss here, and of numbness, and regret, but at the same time, it's like...like floating in a pool alone. Like it's idle time, as your poem title states, but it's not entirely unenjoyable idle time. It's a sense of loneliness and lostness, but a strange contentment with that lostness.