My dog

stretches himself to triple-length,
looks up at me with eyes that ask
you-got-anything-for-me-in the-next-little-bit?
 
understands no—
sighs deep enough to make me jealous
and closes his eyes.

(04-08-2015, 04:53 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  My dog

stretches himself to triple-length,
looks up at me with eyes that ask
you-got-anything-for-me-in the-next-little-bit?
 
understands no—
sighs deep enough to make me jealous
and closes his eyes.

I think it's a given it's your dog. Do you need "my?" If the sigh makes you jealous, do you need "deep?" Dogs are generally shorter than people. Do you need "up?" Who else would he stretch? Do you need "himself?" I'm picky b/c the short form you are really good at could be shorter I love your observations about mundane things.

(04-09-2015, 04:58 AM)71degrees Wrote:  

(04-08-2015, 04:53 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  My dog

stretches himself to triple-length,
looks up at me with eyes that ask
you-got-anything-for-me-in the-next-little-bit?
 
understands no—
sighs deep enough to make me jealous
and closes his eyes.

I think it's a given it's your dog. Do you need "my?" If the sigh makes you jealous, do you need "deep?"  Dogs are generally shorter than people.  Do you need "up?"  Who else would he stretch? Do you need "himself?"  I'm picky b/c the short form you are really good at could be shorter  I love your observations about mundane things.

Thanks so much 71. My inclination (for now) is not to edit either of the 2 I've tried. If I were to edit, your suggestions are bang on. The only one I might disagree with would be "deep". Firstly because without "deep" the line would read as though I were quantifying his sighs rather than qualifying this particular sigh. Let me know if you disagree. Secondly, it was indeed the "depth" of the sigh that made me jealous. Thanks for the read and kind words.
Paul

(04-09-2015, 02:46 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  

(04-09-2015, 04:58 AM)71degrees Wrote:  

(04-08-2015, 04:53 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  My dog

stretches himself to triple-length,
looks up at me with eyes that ask
you-got-anything-for-me-in the-next-little-bit?
 
understands no—
sighs deep enough to make me jealous
and closes his eyes.

I think it's a given it's your dog. Do you need "my?" If the sigh makes you jealous, do you need "deep?"  Dogs are generally shorter than people.  Do you need "up?"  Who else would he stretch? Do you need "himself?"  I'm picky b/c the short form you are really good at could be shorter  I love your observations about mundane things.

Thanks so much 71. My inclination (for now) is not to edit either of the 2 I've tried. If I were to edit, your suggestions are bang on. The only one I might disagree with would be "deep". Firstly because without "deep" the line would read as though I were quantifying his sighs rather than qualifying this particular sigh. Let me know if you disagree. Secondly, it was indeed the "depth" of the sigh that made me jealous. Thanks for the read and kind words.
Paul

Well, let us know if you are inclined to edit any upcoming poems. Otherwise, we are wasting our time