Flying or Falling?

We looked up and couldn’t see
the ceiling.
I was a little afraid,
of smashing to bits.
You gave me sickly stems,
assured me they would bloom
soon.
I wasn't sure.
You launched us up anyway,
sure that your love would go on forever
and maybe yours did.

When I saw the permanence of granite
looming above me,
the dead stems in my hands,
I tried to pull back.
But you held me tight,
and made me want to die
for ever wanting to be
free.

When you shot through a crack in the bedrock,
I tried to back away, to slow down.
You shoved me away,
yelling that it was my fault.
I hit the cold cement,
unable to fake attraction anymore
and I seem to have
broken my trust
upon
landing.

I think this poem paints an incredibly morbid image of a romantic relationship in which love is only travelling one way. The running metaphor of rising together (as new love springs into life) and falling straight back down, perhaps unbeknown to the love giver in this scenario, is a great way of showing the urgency and desperation in the persona/narrator's mind (the one receiving love), that he/she just can't go on pretending to love past a certain point. I may be completely wrong with the idea behind it, but that's how I felt it. I love the "broken my trust upon landing" part, a great ending to a good poem, as hard hitting as the subject at hand.

Hello, a few comments for you below:


Flying or Falling?


We looked up and 
couldn’t see the ceiling.--Nice opening with the title. I think you should give some attention to your line breaks. And in this case is a weak break. I think you're best break is probably on "see" for line one because "the ceiling" gives it all a bit of a layered feel.
I was a little afraid,
afraid of smashing to bits.--I think it's probably stronger without the repetition of "afraid"
But you launched us up anyway,--I think this needs a "had" after you to make the opening make sense.
sure that your love would go on forever--Not bad but there might be a way you could say this with imagery that would make it stronger and more visual.
and maybe 
yours did.

When I saw it looming before me,--This is another place you may want to add imagery to give more power to this looming unwanted love.
I tried to pull away.
But you grabbed me closer--There has to be a tighter way to phrase this "clung to me" or some such 
and made me sweat worry and
pity and shame for ever wanting to 
leave.--Try to condense all of this into not a list of ideas, but an image that conveys it. What is an image for how this made you (the speaker of the poem) feel? 

When you shot through a crack in the bedrock, 
I hit the cold hard cement,--maybe add after I "was the one that" This is nice.
unable to love past there,--Imagery again, don't tell us show us. This is just to illustrate the partner shot through the crack in the bedrock, the other hit the cement. Then we come to this line If flowers sprung up through the crack that would a possible image to show love persevering in adversity. Just illustrating again not implying what you should use.
and I seem to have 
broken my trust
upon
landing.--There are good things to work with here, I think if you push the images more they will draw out the emotional context.


Oh well I wrote a lot. I hope it's helpful and not overwhelming.


Best,


Todd

(04-08-2015, 09:30 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote:  Flying or Falling?

We looked up and
couldn’t see the ceiling.
I was a little afraid,
afraid of smashing to bits.
But you launched us up anyway,
sure that your love would go on forever
and maybe
yours did.

When I saw it looming before me,
I tried to pull away.
But you grabbed me closer
and made me sweat worry and
pity and shame for ever wanting to
leave.

When you shot through a crack in the bedrock,
I hit the cold hard cement,
unable to love past there,
and I seem to have
broken my trust
upon
landing.

Hi: I enjoyed reading this and see its potential.  The image of one person plying, the other always falling, and reluctant. I wonder if the height as a metaphor had something to do with the reluctant partner; possibly you can expand on why? You hint at worry, fear; if so perhaps you could expand on that. Some nice imagery, one shooting through the bedrock, the other the cement; gives me a feeling, considering, that one person could not fly, or fly high, I agree with Todd about line breaks and adding more imagery. I am interested that the reluctance to fly, ends, your last line with "broken trust", and I am not sure how that relates to the reluctance of the falling person. Best Loretta

I will take the persona to be female, because of the emotional dependency portrayed in the whole of the poem. I could illustrate them but I will get to the real item.
The poem flows, chronology of things happening and emotionally development is well done but I think it is a bit more of a prose to small degree.( just saying, this can be negligible) consider this linessure that your love would go on forever
and maybe yours did.,

the dead stems in my hands,
I tried to pull back.
Shortening those lines and others may improve the poem and its tone.
I enjoyed to read it a lot. And I would like to know what was your inspiration? The persona(supposedly a girl) is the one with "issues" in this kind of relationship because of the empty promises
"the dead stems in my hands, , disappointed she
I tried to pull back.. But the boy is in total control of her that she wants to be free.
for ever wanting to be
free.
She finally finds her a way to be free,
I hit the cold cement,
unable to fake attraction anymore
and I seem to have
broken my trust
I think she did something to upset him, and there he too felt fed up.
I feel am totally wrong in this interpretation. Get me to your truck, and shade more light

(05-20-2015, 12:28 AM)Barbito Wrote:  I will take the persona to be female, because of the emotional dependency portrayed in the whole of the poem. I could illustrate them but I will get to the real item.
The poem flows, chronology of things happening and emotionally development is well done but I think it is a bit more of a prose to small degree.( just saying, this can be negligible) consider this linessure that your love would go on forever
and maybe yours did.,

the dead stems in my hands,
I tried to pull back.
Shortening those lines and others may improve the poem and its tone.
I enjoyed to read it a lot. And I would like to know what was your inspiration? The persona(supposedly a girl) is the one with "issues" in this kind of relationship because of the empty promises
"the dead stems in my hands, ,  disappointed she
I tried to pull back.. But the boy is in total control of her that she wants to be free.
for ever wanting to be
free.
She finally finds her a way to be free,
I hit the cold cement,
unable to fake attraction anymore
and I seem to have
broken my trust
I think she did something to upset him, and there he too felt fed up.
I feel am totally wrong in this interpretation. Get me to your truck, and shade more light

You are definitely not wrong! My inspiration was my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. He was obsessed with me, and i tried to go along with it, but he was really mentally messed up and it got to the point where i was sacrificing my own health whenever he needed me. When i broke up with him, he chased me and yelled things at me for 20 minutes. At that point, i knew i was totally and wholly OUT of love with him. Anyway, your interpretation was pretty darn close. hanks for the feedback

(05-21-2015, 04:24 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote:  

(05-20-2015, 12:28 AM)Barbito Wrote:  I will take the persona to be female, because of the emotional dependency portrayed in the whole of the poem. I could illustrate them but I will get to the real item.
The poem flows, chronology of things happening and emotionally development is well done but I think it is a bit more of a prose to small degree.( just saying, this can be negligible) consider this linessure that your love would go on forever
and maybe yours did.,

the dead stems in my hands,
I tried to pull back.
Shortening those lines and others may improve the poem and its tone.
I enjoyed to read it a lot. And I would like to know what was your inspiration? The persona(supposedly a girl) is the one with "issues" in this kind of relationship because of the empty promises
"the dead stems in my hands, ,  disappointed she
I tried to pull back.. But the boy is in total control of her that she wants to be free.
for ever wanting to be
free.
She finally finds her a way to be free,
I hit the cold cement,
unable to fake attraction anymore
and I seem to have
broken my trust
I think she did something to upset him, and there he too felt fed up.
I feel am totally wrong in this interpretation. Get me to your truck, and shade more light

You are definitely not wrong! My inspiration was my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. He was obsessed with me, and i tried to go along with it, but he was really mentally messed up and it got to the point where i was sacrificing my own health whenever he needed me. When i broke up with him, he chased me and yelled things at me for 20 minutes. At that point, i knew i was totally and wholly OUT of love with him. Anyway, your interpretation was pretty darn close. hanks for the feedback

That was close, it does flow with the explanation but I think in the poem the reader might wonder who might be the villain in this sad love story? To answer that consider reading the poem without such an experience with the boyfriend.