Poor Johnny Goodman
Sitting in his apple tree
Waiting for the sun to set
Soon on his misery

Poor Johnny Goodman
Looking at the sky
Hoping for the twilit hours
To quickly pass him by

Poor Johnny Goodman
Trembling fingers double check
And tighten up the coils
Of the rope around his neck

-BW BRINE


POST-EDIT:

Poor Johnny Goodman: sitting in his apple tree,
waiting for the sun to set on his misery;

Poor Johnny Goodman: looking at the sky,
hoping for the twilit hours to quickly pass him by;

Poor Johnny Goodman: trembling fingers double check
and tighten up the coils of the rope around his neck.

-BW BRINE

This seems like a folk ballad or something. Two things to address here for me: what separates it from other folk songs about hanging or lynching, and there is no punctuation.

(02-15-2015, 06:34 AM)BW BRINE Wrote:  Poor Johnny Goodman
Sitting in his apple tree
Waiting for the sun to set
Soon on his misery I don't think you need the 'soon' - the line flows better without it

Poor Johnny Goodman
Looking at the sky
Hoping for the twilit hours
To quickly pass him by

Poor Johnny Goodman
Trembling fingers double check
And tighten up the coils
Of the rope around his neck


I read this as a suicide poem. I hadn't thought of the 'trembling fingers' belonging to anyone but poor Johnny Goodman. Effective poem - the last two lines pull it all together.

-BW BRINE

(02-15-2015, 06:34 AM)BW BRINE Wrote:  Poor Johnny Goodman
Sitting in his apple tree
Waiting for the sun to set
Soon on his misery

Poor Johnny Goodman
Looking at the sky
Hoping for the twilit hours
To quickly pass him by

Poor Johnny Goodman
Trembling fingers double check
And tighten up the coils
Of the rope around his neck




-BW BRINE

Any similarities to persons alive...er...or reported dead but not...are coincidental?
The piece doe not benefit from making the couplets in to four lines XAXA instead of AA. Punctuation would be much more certain if the longer lines (ropes)were used. As it is it is more guillotine than gallows.
Capitalising of every line is for pseudo-poetic birds. It makes the piece less certain in intent and destroys confidence in ability...as this is in Mild, 'nuff said.
Best,
tectak

(02-15-2015, 05:03 PM)tectak Wrote:  Any similarities to persons alive...er...or reported dead but not...are coincidental?
The piece doe not benefit from making the couplets in to four lines XAXA instead of AA. Punctuation would be much more certain if the longer lines (ropes)were used. As it is it is more guillotine than gallows.
Capitalising of every line is for pseudo-poetic birds. It makes the piece less certain in intent and destroys confidence in ability...as this is in Mild, 'nuff said.
Best,
tectak

I'm not sure what you mean about the couplets XAXA instead of AA. Are you suggesting I change the entire structure of the poem? Or just split up each section into two segments instead of four?

I put in punctuation that I hope clears up how I think it should sound. Also I changed the capitalization, per request.

Thanks,

-BW

(02-16-2015, 05:18 AM)BW BRINE Wrote:  

(02-15-2015, 05:03 PM)tectak Wrote:  Any similarities to persons alive...er...or reported dead but not...are coincidental?
The piece doe not benefit from making the couplets in to four lines XAXA instead of AA. Punctuation would be much more certain if the longer lines (ropes)were used. As it is it is more guillotine than gallows.
Capitalising of every line is for pseudo-poetic birds. It makes the piece less certain in intent and destroys confidence in ability...as this is in Mild, 'nuff said.
Best,
tectak

I'm not sure what you mean about the couplets XAXA instead of AA.  Are you suggesting I change the entire structure of the poem?  Or just split up each section into two segments instead of four?

I put in punctuation that I hope clears up how I think it should sound.  Also I changed the capitalization, per request.

Thanks,

-BW

As per:
Poor Johnny Goodman, sitting in his apple tree, A
waiting for the sun to set, soon, on his misery A
Poor Johnny Goodman, looking at the sky, B
hoping for the twilit hours to quickly pass him by. B
etc.

So yes and no.
Best,
tectak

(02-15-2015, 06:34 AM)BW BRINE Wrote:  Poor Johnny Goodman
Sitting in his apple tree
Waiting for the sun to set
Soon on his misery

Poor Johnny Goodman
Looking at the sky
Hoping for the twilit hours
To quickly pass him by

Poor Johnny Goodman
Trembling fingers double check
And tighten up the coils
Of the rope around his neck

-BW BRINE


POST-EDIT:

Poor Johnny Goodman: sitting in his apple tree,
waiting for the sun to set on his misery;

Poor Johnny Goodman: looking at the sky,
hoping for the twilit hours to quickly pass him by;

Poor Johnny Goodman: trembling fingers double check
and tighten up the coils of the rope around his neck.

-BW BRINE

Good enough to stick in the suicide thread...not enough are doing it
Good edit ( I would say that )
Good egg,
Best,
tectak

(02-15-2015, 06:34 AM)BW BRINE Wrote:  Poor Johnny Goodman
Sitting in his apple tree
Waiting for the sun to set
Soon on his misery

Poor Johnny Goodman
Looking at the sky
Hoping for the twilit hours
To quickly pass him by

Poor Johnny Goodman
Trembling fingers double check
And tighten up the coils
Of the rope around his neck

-BW BRINE


POST-EDIT:

Poor Johnny Goodman: sitting in his apple tree,
waiting for the sun to set on his misery;

Poor Johnny Goodman: looking at the sky,
hoping for the twilit hours to quickly pass him by;

Poor Johnny Goodman: trembling fingers double check
and tighten up the coils of the rope around his neck.

-BW BRINE

This poem definitely has some strong resemblance to tall tales and folk songs, and so I'm a little worried it comes off as copy-cat poetry. I also think some of the images and metaphors you use like "waiting for the sun to set" are trite and hackneyed. I would avoid these. Also, and maybe this is just a personal thing, Johnny Goodman and apples makes me think of Johnny Appleseed, which bothers me for some reason.

(02-20-2015, 05:14 AM)fromcancertocapricorn Wrote:  This poem definitely has some strong resemblance to tall tales and folk songs, and so I'm a little worried it comes off as copy-cat poetry. I also think some of the images and metaphors you use like "waiting for the sun to set" are trite and hackneyed. I would avoid these. Also, and maybe this is just a personal thing, Johnny Goodman and apples makes me think of Johnny Appleseed, which bothers me for some reason.

I'm not so sure about the cop-cat poetry aspect (I still don't really see the resemblance to a folk song, if anything I guess I could see it being some sort of twisted children's rhyme). However, you might be on to something about the Johnny Appleseed relation, as it's a distinct possibility the name I picked was of some sort of Freudian derivative.

The particular image I had in mind, actually, was of my friend's backyard, which has a few scattered crab-apple trees on a small hill leading to a wooded area. You can look up through the trees at the at the top of the hill during the sunset, and it gives an ominous feeling. Now that I think about it, that may have been where the name came from too, although my friend's name isn't Johnny, I figure it could be. But anyway, thus the setting sun and twilight setting - it's not just supposed to be a metaphor but both literally and figuratively, the sun is setting on his misery. He's waiting until it's dark.

-BW