Been reading through some of the practice threads and decided to give the Villanelle a shot. It's rough and I'm not even sure I followed the rules completely. I'm here to learn from you all so just because this is in "mild" doesn't mean my skin is thin. Have at it. Thanks.

I didn’t ask for sun   
 Edit: Mercedes/Milo

 
I didn’t ask for sun today;
let sleeping melancholy lie –
I’ve grown accustomed to the grey.
 
I lie in bed and dream to stay
where brightness can’t pollute my eyes.
I didn’t ask for sun today.
 
My hair and beard have gone the way
of thunderheads in August skies.
I’ve grown accustomed to the grey.
 
The blues are all I ever play;
the low notes may just tell you why
I didn’t ask for sun today.
 
So close my door, then go away
before the glimmer multiplies.
I’ve grown accustomed to the grey.
 
And please don’t ask me out to play
a children’s game in thin disguise.
I didn’t ask for sun today,
I’ve grown accustomed to the grey.

 I didn’t ask for sun
 
I didn’t ask for sun today;
let sleeping melancholy lie –
I've grown accustomed to the grey.
 
I lie in bed and dream to stay
where brightness can’t pollute my eyes.
I didn’t ask for sun today.
 
My hair and beard have gone the way
of thunderheads in August skies.
I’ve grown accustomed to the grey.
 
Blues on vinyl is all I play;
the low notes may just tell you why
I didn’t ask for sun today.
 
So close my door, then go away
before the giddy send their spies.
I’ve grown accustomed to the grey.
 
And please don’t ask me out to play
a children’s game in thin disguise.
I didn’t ask for sun today,
I’ve grown accustomed to the grey.

For a first this is epic! You've captured the mood of a villanelle, which is moody. ) The only line that stands out for me is "Blues on vinyl's all I play" - slightly wrong meter.

(02-05-2015, 10:51 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Been reading through some of the practice threads and decided to give the Villanelle a shot. It's rough and I'm not even sure I followed the rules completely. I'm here to learn from you all so just because this is in "mild" doesn't mean my skin is thin. Have at it. Thanks.
 I didn’t ask for sun
 
I didn’t ask for sun today;
let sleeping melancholy lie –
I've grown accustomed to the grey.
 
I lie in bed and dream to stay
where brightness can’t pollute my eyes.
I didn’t ask for sun today.
 
My hair and beard have gone the way
of thunderheads in August skies.
I’ve grown accustomed to the grey.
 
Blues on vinyl is all I play;
the low notes may just tell you why
I didn’t ask for sun today.
 
So close my door, then go away
before the giddy send their spies.
I’ve grown accustomed to the grey.
 
And please don’t ask me out to play
a children’s game in thin disguise.
I didn’t ask for sun today,
I’ve grown accustomed to the grey.

For a first shot at a villanelle, it is excellent. As JM mentioned, the one line the meter is off.

sleeping melancholy breaks an internal rule of mine (don't modify abstractions) but it is one of the exceptions as it feels quite natural.

The line "before the giddy send their spies" reads a bit awkward and contrived, may want to tool it a bit. Also, "thin" in thin disguise feels like it might be padding.

Other than those miner quibbles, i found it exceptional.

Thanks Merc and Milo. The "blues" line definitely needs fixing. Good news is I knew it all along, bad news is I got lazy.
I will have another look at the "giddy" line too.
I'm kind of partial to "thin disguise" I'm wearing one now!
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Paul

Posted an edit. I think it's better. Still unsure about the 4th tercet.

I am also a little weary of the 4th tercet, though I do think the poem is stunning. It's very evocative in a subtle way. I am not sure "the low notes may just tell you why" fits nicely there. I think it feels rather forced and disrupts the soothing melancholia that seeps through the lines that precede and supersede it. I would revise it. How about "the shady notes might tell you why"?

Otherwise, very wonderful. I feel this way often days. Always swatting the sunshine away as though I had the might to move it

(02-06-2015, 09:35 AM)februarious Wrote:  I am also a little weary of the 4th tercet, though I do think the poem is stunning. It's very evocative in a subtle way. I am not sure "the low notes may just tell you why" fits nicely there. I think it feels rather forced and disrupts the soothing melancholia that seeps through the lines that precede and supersede it. I would revise it. How about "the shady notes might tell you why"?

Otherwise, very wonderful. I feel this way often days. Always swatting the sunshine away as though I had the might to move it

Thank you Feb, and welcome to the site. I see you have jumped right in with several crits. Look forward to seeing your work.


Paul

Yes, I think your edit is good!

(02-07-2015, 08:13 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  

(02-06-2015, 09:35 AM)februarious Wrote:  I am also a little weary of the 4th tercet, though I do think the poem is stunning. It's very evocative in a subtle way. I am not sure "the low notes may just tell you why" fits nicely there. I think it feels rather forced and disrupts the soothing melancholia that seeps through the lines that precede and supersede it. I would revise it. How about "the shady notes might tell you why"?

Otherwise, very wonderful. I feel this way often days. Always swatting the sunshine away as though I had the might to move it

Thank you Feb, and welcome to the site. I see you have jumped right in with several crits. Look forward to seeing your work.


Paul

Thank you for the warm welcome. I'm awfully shy sharing my work as I am shamelessly self-critical but I will be posting a poem soon just to shake off the tension. Thanks again