Song For An Early Bird (edit 2.3)


As pulse rates spike you're lifted from your caul
and held above a lacerated womb;
we exhale when we hear your raucous bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; barbed lines
on monitors and regulators beep
a sharp cacophony of vital signs.
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,
machines to graph the flutter of your dreams.
I trace your palm, declare your future grand,
our hopes for you of boyish pranks and schemes
are tightly held in one small grasping hand.
You'll be the death of us, our deepest pride
like any other child, but multiplied.




NICU, for Dominic   Edit #2.2

We wait as you are lifted from your caul
and held above her lacerated womb,
then exhale when we hear your raucous bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; barbed lines
on monitors and regulators beep
a sharp cacophony of vital signs.
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,
machines to graph the flutter of your dreams.
I trace your palm, declare your future grand,
our hopes for you of boyish pranks and schemes
are tightly held in each small grasping hand.
You'll be the death of us, our deepest pride
like any other child, but multiplied.



NICU, for Dominic   Edit #2

We wait as you are lifted from your caul
and held above her lacerated womb,
then exhale when we hear your raucous bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; peaking lines
on monitors and regulators beep
a sharp cacophony of vital signs.
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,
machines to graph the flutter of your dreams.
I trace your palm, declare your future grand,
our dreams for you of boyish pranks and schemes
are tightly held in each small grasping hand.
You'll be the death of us, our deepest pride
like any other child, but multiplied.


NICU, for Dominic   Edit #1


You breathe, we hold ours ready for a fall;
we watch you lifted from your mother's womb
and exhale as we hear a raucous bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; shifting lines
of monitors and regulators beep
their sharp cacophony of vital signs.
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,
machines to graph the mysteries of dreams.
I travel lines along plump palms, your future grand
achievements, sweet affairs and daring schemes,
your secret strengths revealed in each small hand.
You'll be the death of us or deepest pride,
like any other child, just multiplied.


NICU, For Dominic.  Original

Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus,
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You mildly fuss
then slip back into artificial sleep;
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares.
I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand.
Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth.

I'm not sure, but I think this form is similar to a Byronic or Spenserian Sonnet. However, that point is somewhat academic.

(01-22-2015, 04:50 AM)ellajam Wrote:  NICU, For Dominic

Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all -- This conveys the meaning and I'm hesitant to give you advice. However, the idea of frozen breath may be called cliché. Though, as I said, I'm hesitant to give advice here.
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus,
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You mildly fuss -- I like the different methods of reading vitality and so forth and feel this is one of the strongest aspects of the poem.
then slip back into artificial sleep;
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares. -- Not sure about the word mystery. Perhaps you could find an accurate word that conveys something more. Maybe others can chime in here.
I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand. -- Maybe capitalize the Your? These lines might contain too many abstractions, but I'm not really sure.
Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth. -- I think the statement of pith is somewhat implicit to this style so this may be good here.

(I came across this today in our abandoned Crown of Sonnets. Coincidentally a healthy child celebrates his first birthday tomorrow, so I thought I'd honor the miracles of modern medicine by seeing if I can get this to stand alone. So far I've just tweaked the first line, the original can be found here:

Heroic Crown of Sonnets

I can't really tell you how to edit this right now. I liked the different methods of reading into the life force and what not.

Marcella,

Overall I like the intent of the poem. The only negative comments I have are related to personal preference. Sometimes I think that enjambment is overused. In the case of this poem I think it weakens the opening line.  

"Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all"

If one is going to break a phrase between to clauses, it should enhance both. I do not see that here. The use of enjambment creates a line that sounds awkward, but seems to make little sense by adding the "after all" at the end of the line. If that is removed the line makes perfect sense.  

Again in the third line, and I love the "your toes, my abacus," but I get less sense when "and triumph on your toes" at the beginning. How does one triumph on ones toes? Adding that to the front of the line really seems to make little sense, plus it weakens the line.  


"artificial sleep" I'm uncertain what makes the babies sleep "artificial."



"graphing flares" I know what "graphing" is and I know what "flares" are. However I have no idea what a "graphing flares" is. Has me completely befuddled (of course you will contend that, that is easy to accomplish and I would have to agree).

"achievements, escapades" There are two ways to pronounce escapades. Either with the accent on the first of the three syllables, or on the last of the three syllables. Neither one allows for two accents which is what you would need to be completely in line with IP. To me it does not matter, as I found nothing awkward about the line. I only put this in, in case you wished to explore it.

I do love the three lines about palmistry:

"I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand."


I do not disagree with the sentiment of the last line, but the phrase of the last half seems somewhat awkward.  "the luck or curse of birth." It's clear enough, just seems a tad bit off.

Well there you have it. I suspect any who like the use of enjambment would disagree about my assessment. As I said this is mostly related to personal preference.

Dale

Ellabellacella

Difficult topic for me. (for personal and private reasons)

I don't mind the enjambment (you know dale is cantankerous at times)

AND I'm the worse person to ever judge a sonnet but even I know this is Shakespearean.

I love the volta.

love ya sweets!

mel.

(01-22-2015, 01:12 PM)Brownlie Wrote:  I'm not sure, but I think this form is similar to a Byronic or Spenserian Sonnet. However, that point is somewhat academic.

(01-22-2015, 04:50 AM)ellajam Wrote:  NICU, For Dominic

Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all -- This conveys the meaning and I'm hesitant to give you advice. However, the idea of frozen breath may be called cliché. Though, as I said, I'm hesitant to give advice here.
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus,
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You mildly fuss -- I like the different methods of reading vitality and so forth and feel this is one of the strongest aspects of the poem.
then slip back into artificial sleep;
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares. -- Not sure about the word mystery. Perhaps you could find an accurate word that conveys something more. Maybe others can chime in here.
I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand. -- Maybe capitalize the Your? These lines might contain too many abstractions, but I'm not really sure.
Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth. -- I think the statement of pith is somewhat implicit to this style so this may be good here.

(I came across this today in our abandoned Crown of Sonnets. Coincidentally a healthy child celebrates his first birthday tomorrow, so I thought I'd honor the miracles of modern medicine by seeing if I can get this to stand alone. So far I've just tweaked the first line, the original can be found here:

Heroic Crown of Sonnets

I can't really tell you how to edit this right now. I liked the different methods of reading into the life force and what not.

Thanks for your time, Brownlie, and for your interesting and useful comments. It needs a new first line, agreed. I had no problem with the word mystery to describe those gadgets and their signals but I appreciate you pointing out that it may be too vague to be effective. Thanks.

"your secret strengths read in each tiny hand"  Abstractions: secret, strength and read? I'll have to think about that, thanks.
Your comment on the ending, "I think the statement of pith is somewhat implicit to this style so this may be good here." sound like a polite way of saying "This sucks."   I'll think on it.

Thanks again for commenting on this, much appreciated.

(01-22-2015, 01:41 PM)Erthona Wrote:  Marcella,

Overall I like the intent of the poem. The only negative comments I have are related to personal preference. Sometimes I think that enjambment is overused. In the case of this poem I think it weakens the opening line.  

"Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all"

If one is going to break a phrase between to clauses, it should enhance both. I do not see that here. The use of enjambment creates a line that sounds awkward, but seems to make little sense by adding the "after all" at the end of the line. If that is removed the line makes perfect sense.  
Yep an unwise enjambment and a bad break to boot. I will work on it.

Again in the third line, and I love the "your toes, my abacus," but I get less sense when "and triumph on your toes" at the beginning. How does one triumph on ones toes? Adding that to the front of the line really seems to make little sense, plus it weakens the line.  
Here I am counting the possibilities from the line above, instead of doom the end result could be survival or normalcy or anything in between. I can see that it does not carry through for you. Do you think it all must be on one line to make sense?


"artificial sleep" I'm uncertain what makes the babies sleep "artificial."
I thought the artificial could substitute for sedated, but maybe not. The fact that it was not a natural sleep needs to be said, maybe some way better.


"graphing flares" I know what "graphing" is and I know what "flares" are. However I have no idea what a "graphing flares" is. Has me completely befuddled (of course you will contend that, that is easy to accomplish and I would have to agree).
Do they need to be flaring graphs? Is it unclear that those are all the vital sign screens?

"achievements, escapades" There are two ways to pronounce escapades. Either with the accent on the first of the three syllables, or on the last of the three syllables. Neither one allows for two accents which is what you would need to be completely in line with IP. To me it does not matter, as I found nothing awkward about the line. I only put this in, in case you wished to explore it.
Ah, another instance of wishful thinking. When you make me think about it I say ES ca pades, but I told myself it was Es ca PADES, well it sort of is, it could be, uh, I'll think about it. Thanks.

I do love the three lines about palmistry:

"I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand."


I do not disagree with the sentiment of the last line, but the phrase of the last half seems somewhat awkward.  "the luck or curse of birth." It's clear enough, just seems a tad bit off.
I agree it's too lala, I keep saying it's ok when I go to edit, but I'm sure you're right.

Well there you have it. I suspect any who like the use of enjambment would disagree about my assessment. As I said this is mostly related to personal preference.

Dale

Thanks for expressing your views, I hope to find a happy middle. Much appreciated.

---

(01-22-2015, 11:18 PM)bena Wrote:  Ellabellacella

Difficult topic for me. (for personal and private reasons)

I don't mind the enjambment (you know dale is cantankerous at times)

AND I'm the worse person to ever judge a sonnet but even I know this is Shakespearean.

I love the volta.

love ya sweets!

mel.

Thanks for reading my rhymy stuff, mel. If any suggestions come to you just pipe up.

How about: 'Your first breath holds ours frozen in awe' (or something like it to remove that comma break, but add another syllable)

Maybe 'immobile' for frozen, but check your meter!

(01-23-2015, 02:17 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  How about: 'Your first breath holds ours frozen in awe' (or something like it to remove that comma break, but add another syllable)

Maybe 'immobile' for frozen, but check your meter!

Hi, Chris, thanks. I'm trying to word within IP, though the rhyme scheme makes changes easy enough inserting immobile might be a chore. And it was more fear and worry than awe, but thanks for being another pointer towards what I need to work on.

Your time is appreciated, thanks for reading.

(01-22-2015, 04:50 AM)ellajam Wrote:  NICU, For Dominic


your dreams a mystery of graphing flares.

this line demonstrates the problem I have with skipping the old "to be" verbs.

of course you could fix it simply enough:

"your dreams are mysteries of graphing flares"

but it would alter the meaning slightly.

Now that I am loitering in your thread, it occurs to me how interesting the concept of machines graphing the mysteries of a newborne's dreams is.  You probably won't have time or inclination, but:

" . . . machines to graph the mysteries of your dreams"

ahh . . . that would be nice.

oh, and one more minor thing, yes, toes as an abacus is brilliant but abacus and fuss isn't a proper rhyme.

Ella-n-chanted,


"Do you think it all must be on one line to make sense?" What I believe is that it is easier, especially in a sonnet if the entire thought is on one line, as it is easier for the reader to understand. As melbell pointed out I am no friend to enjambment. Actually I am no friend to the overuse of enjambment. I'm not saying this about you because I believe you are honest in your writing, but many people use enjambment as a way to demonstrate their cleverness, not as it should be used to enhance the poem. I do not think that most uses of enjambment benefits the poem. In terms of the line you/I were referring to:  "I count the possibilities of doom and || triumph on your toes" The question I would ask is what are the benefits of breaking the line that way. Well it is easier to write that way. If this were a non-formal poem where would the natural break occur? I do not think one would generally break the line where you have. It would either be a single line, or broken between "possibilities of" and "doom. There is no reason to break "doom and triumph" apart, at least  it makes no sense to me. "doom and triumph" are a complete thought. It makes as much sense as breaking "ham and eggs" in the same way. Would you say this is good writing:

                   ...he would have ham and
eggs from a chicken's butt. He liked green
ham better.  

The cleverness come in with the "He liked green"

My idea of enjambment is that a word is shared between both lines, and in doing so it enhances in a meaningful way both lines that share it. I think you can say the same thing about alliteration as you can about enjambment. Alliteration is a wonderful tool, but the first thing we learn is that it should be used in such as way that it is not obvious and it serves some function of enhancing the poem.
Well that's a windy
answer but you knew
the risks going
in. The end.

 

"I thought the artificial could substitute for sedated, but maybe not. The fact that it was not a natural sleep needs to be said, maybe some way better."

You could use "sedated" as long as you have a stressed before and after. I think that is correct, I know that the middle syllable is stressed, and I am thinking the end syllable is neutral and is dependent on what surrounds it. So possibly with stressed syllables before and after the word it could work.I guess I would need to see it in a line to tell.  


Do they need to be flaring graphs? Is it unclear that those are all the vital sign screens?

Yeah I think so, primarily because graphs do not flare. Actually they are called monitors and nobody generally tries to read the blips on the line, they generally just go to the end and read the number. The graphs, as you call them, just give a visual representation of the vital sign. The only time that they actually use graph paper is when they hook you up to a specific machine to get a representation of what is going on at that minute, whether it's for the heart or brain. There is of course the two regulars, the ekg (electrocardiogram), or the eeg (electroencephalogram).  It is also possible that I know too much about medical equipment to have a good answer. Who knows it might work well for people who know nothing about the hospital. If it works for them, I say go with it. Accuracy in this, is not important, if the image calls to mind for them what you were intending then I would go for it.   

Well, those are my thoughts, just be aware they have often led me astray


Dale

(01-23-2015, 10:44 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-22-2015, 04:50 AM)ellajam Wrote:  NICU, For Dominic


your dreams a mystery of graphing flares.

this line demonstrates the problem I have with skipping the old "to be" verbs.

of course you could fix it simply enough:

"your dreams are mysteries of graphing flares"

but it would alter the meaning slightly.

Now that I am loitering in your thread, it occurs to me how interesting the concept of machines graphing the mysteries of a newborne's dreams is.  You probably won't have time or inclination, but:

" . . . machines to graph the mysteries of your dreams"

ahh . . . that would be nice.

oh, and one more minor thing, yes, toes as an abacus is brilliant but abacus and fuss isn't a proper rhyme.

Hi, milo, thanks for taking the time.

I actually like

Quote:" . . . machines to graph the mysteries of your dreams"

enough to try to make it work. Thank you.

(01-23-2015, 10:55 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Ella-n-chanted,


"Do you think it all must be on one line to make sense?" What I believe is that it is easier, especially in a sonnet if the entire thought is on one line, as it is easier for the reader to understand. As melbell pointed out I am no friend to enjambment. Actually I am no friend to the overuse of enjambment. I'm not saying this about you because I believe you are honest in your writing, but many people use enjambment as a way to demonstrate their cleverness, not as it should be used to enhance the poem. I do not think that most uses of enjambment benefits the poem. In terms of the line you/I were referring to:  "I count the possibilities of doom and || triumph on your toes" The question I would ask is what are the benefits of breaking the line that way. Well it is easier to write that way. If this were a non-formal poem where would the natural break occur? I do not think one would generally break the line where you have. It would either be a single line, or broken between "possibilities of" and "doom. There is no reason to break "doom and triumph" apart, at least  it makes no sense to me. "doom and triumph" are a complete thought. It makes as much sense as breaking "ham and eggs" in the same way. Would you say this is good writing:

                   ...he would have ham and
eggs from a chicken's butt. He liked green
ham better.  

The cleverness come in with the "He liked green"

My idea of enjambment is that a word is shared between both lines, and in doing so it enhances in a meaningful way both lines that share it. I think you can say the same thing about alliteration as you can about enjambment. Alliteration is a wonderful tool, but the first thing we learn is that it should be used in such as way that it is not obvious and it serves some function of enhancing the poem.
Well that's a windy
answer but you knew
the risks going
in. The end.

 

"I thought the artificial could substitute for sedated, but maybe not. The fact that it was not a natural sleep needs to be said, maybe some way better."

You could use "sedated" as long as you have a stressed before and after. I think that is correct, I know that the middle syllable is stressed, and I am thinking the end syllable is neutral and is dependent on what surrounds it. So possibly with stressed syllables before and after the word it could work.I guess I would need to see it in a line to tell.  


Do they need to be flaring graphs? Is it unclear that those are all the vital sign screens?

Yeah I think so, primarily because graphs do not flare. Actually they are called monitors and nobody generally tries to read the blips on the line, they generally just go to the end and read the number. The graphs, as you call them, just give a visual representation of the vital sign. The only time that they actually use graph paper is when they hook you up to a specific machine to get a representation of what is going on at that minute, whether it's for the heart or brain. There is of course the two regulars, the ekg (electrocardiogram), or the eeg (electroencephalogram).  It is also possible that I know too much about medical equipment to have a good answer. Who knows it might work well for people who know nothing about the hospital. If it works for them, I say go with it. Accuracy in this, is not important, if the image calls to mind for them what you were intending then I would go for it.   

Well, those are my thoughts, just be aware they have often led me astray


Dale

Thanks, dale, for answering my questions. I'll try to really absorb it and pay attention to your points as I edit.

Just a word on graphs vs numbers. While I watched the numbers, when staring for hours the graphs are certainly part of the image, and when Dominic got the occasional roommate it was a bit disturbing how regular and low their graphs were compared to his. But he didn't get too many roommates, he got so pissed off whenever they poked at him they didn't want to wake the other babes. Those graphs went crazy.

---

Although this was accepted in a sonnet thread, bena has got me thinking about the volta, which in fact is missing, and this is no sonnet. To quote Leanne, without the volta it is a 14 line poem. I may dump the final couplet which gives the false impression of a sonnet and come up with something else. I appreciate so much anyone taking their time with this, there are parts I really like, maybe I can fix it.

(01-24-2015, 09:50 PM)ellajam Wrote:  

---

Although this was accepted in a sonnet thread, bena has got me thinking about the volta, which in fact is missing, and this is no sonnet. To quote Leanne, without the volta it is a 14 line poem. I may dump the final couplet which gives the false impression of a sonnet and come up with something else. I appreciate so much anyone taking their time with this, there are parts I really like, maybe I can fix it.

A /volta/ is not required for a sonnet, a /turn/ is.  What is the difference between a volta and a turn? A volta is a single line that often restates or summarizes the problem and then switches direction.  A turn is just the directional switch itself.  Right around the time when it should appear, your poem switches from being engrossed in the challenges of the present to pondering the possibilities of the future so I would say it meets the requirements of a sonnt.

A final note:  Shakespearean sonnets frequently employ their turn quite differently that other forms in that they use a /summary couplet/ - a final couplet that uses summary to provide a turn in thought. 

Here is Shakespeare's sonnet 1:

From fairest creatures we desire increase,

That thereby beauty's rose might never die,
But as the riper should by time decease,
His tender heir might bear his memory:
But thou contracted to thine own bright eyes,
Feed'st thy light's flame with self-substantial fuel,
Making a famine where abundance lies,
Thy self thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel:
Thou that art now the world's fresh ornament,
And only herald to the gaudy spring,
Within thine own bud buriest thy content,
And, tender churl, mak'st waste in niggarding:
   Pity the world, or else this glutton be,
   To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee.


From the Italian perspective, one might say there is no turn here.  Shakespeare spends the whole time rambling on about how his good looking friend should have kids to pass along his looks.  The final couplet summarizes his position.  But, if you analyze the poem as a whole, you do have a problem and a resolution.  It is more common in Shakespearean sonnets to use a summary couplet than a volta.

---

I also wanted to touch on what Dale is saying about enjambment:

In free verse, I think we can agree that a line should break on an important word but frequently in formal verse, writers throw that thought to the wolves as they try to end a line on a rhyme. When enjambing, it should be done in a way to accent an important word. I think some of yours (all and grand mostly) are falling there just for the purpose of rhyme. So, as much as agreeing with Dale doesn't agree with me, I think you should take a careful look at some of your enjambed lines as well.

Thanks so much, milo, for clarifying my foggy brain. I still think the final couplet sounds too cute, but maybe I'll improve it instead of chucking it. Thanks for pointing out the present/future turn, I couldn't see the forest for the trees (cliche ).

I was close to chucking the form altogether, but I'll see if I can improve the rhymes and structure first.

^^^if you'll go back to what I stated, you'll see I said I love the volta (or turn) ---not that there wasn't one.

so neeners.

(01-25-2015, 02:18 AM)Melbas Toasted Wrote:  ^^^if you'll go back to what I stated, you'll see I said I love the volta (or turn) ---not that there wasn't one.

so neeners.

I know, but I thought you meant the change in tone of the couplet. It was you asking someone else Where's the volta? that made me re-examine this in that light.

So thank you, mel.

(01-25-2015, 02:43 AM)ellajam Wrote:  

(01-25-2015, 02:18 AM)Melbas Toasted Wrote:  ^^^if you'll go back to what I stated, you'll see I said I love the volta (or turn) ---not that there wasn't one.

so neeners.

I know, but I thought you meant the change in tone of the couplet. It was you asking someone else Where's the volta? that made me re-examine this in that light.

So thank you, mel.

Rhyming couplets have a natural tendency to sound cutesy but, yah, I think yours isn't really treading any new ground and it is doing so in a very generic way.

(01-25-2015, 02:59 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-25-2015, 02:43 AM)ellajam Wrote:  

(01-25-2015, 02:18 AM)Melbas Toasted Wrote:  ^^^if you'll go back to what I stated, you'll see I said I love the volta (or turn) ---not that there wasn't one.

so neeners.

I know, but I thought you meant the change in tone of the couplet. It was you asking someone else Where's the volta? that made me re-examine this in that light.

So thank you, mel.

Rhyming couplets have a natural tendency to sound cutesy but, yah, I think yours isn't really treading any new ground and it is doing so in a very generic way.

Agreed. Go read my snow sonnet, good for a laugh.

NICU, For Dominic


Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all That sounds kind of weird. After all....what, all things? In which case it'd be somehow insulting instead of tense or uplifting.
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb, 
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom 
and triumph on your toes, my abacus, 
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You mildly fuss Fuss and abacus don't rhyme at all. Also, "you mildly fuss" sounds weird to me. It doesn't really convey the same sense of "baby!" to me as all the other things here. Scrapping the "mildly" and using a stronger adverb might do it for me here.

then slip back into artificial sleep;
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares. Although graphing flares looks interesting the way I already see it (lots of little lines making Cartesian planes in the darkness), it still doesn't show the monitor thing right. 
I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand I kind of prefer ending the thought here. Maybe it's a bit of a break from all the rest of the poem, but just leaving the baby's future as "grand" sure does make it seem more grand than what the next line tries to do.

achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...And then you could just scrap this and pose a new, related thought, especially with "escapades" ruining the meter here.
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand.
Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth. This feels neither like a neat little summary nor a classic heel face turn. It's like, for the whole of the poem, you talk of the delights and whatnot of having a new babe in your corner, and then suddenly you muse gravely upon the kid's existence. Sure, it's sort of related to the palmistry and abacus parts, but it feels more like a big restatement of an idea that doesn't show up as importantly in the rest of the sonnet.



Also, if this is supposed to follow Shakespeare's model, shouldn't the general thoughts also follow the layout of the rhyme scheme? Like, the first four parts speak of this, then the next four lines speak of that, then the next four lines speak of this, then a neat little couplet to cap it all off or throw it out altogether. The womb-doom part becomes very disconnected by the fourth line (in that the anxiety of the baby being out there doesn't really follow with the speaker counting out the kid's doom by the last line, at least not until the next four lines, but by then I was expecting a wholly different set of elaborations); so does the grand-hand part, by its first line (that is, the dreams of graphing flares doesn't follow up with the palm-reader's arc). Only the fifth to eight lines really follow this sense, since the toe-count is the one which directly starts up the fussing, and yet it is sort of painful that those four lines are the ones with the bad rhyme.



I suggest that on the first four lines, you focus solely on how anxious or breathless you are about the baby, describing the whole toe count only when you get to line five. By lines five to eight, just keep up with the whole divining-your-future-with-your-toes-thing, but again, with the toe count being already described there, and with the awkward rhymes being completely scrapped. Then maybe you can elucidate more on the tenderness of the babe and the elusiveness of its fate on lines nine to twelve, using palmistry there as some sort of, er, framing device.  And at the final couplet, just switch the words up a bit so that the summary is more on the babe being nice, or having a weird fate, or, well, something, but I can't vomit out the right words.

River, thank you so much for your thorough critique. You've given me some very solid ideas to take into an edit. I'll review with your suggestions in mind and see where it leads.

On "achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...", I understand that the line needs at a minimum to be reworked, but I like the musings of what his future could be if we are lucky and the child comes through well. I'm wondering if it is a list you dislike or just this list.

I was surprised at " It's like, for the whole of the poem, you talk of the delights and whatnot of having a new babe". Again, I'll review the poem with your read in mind.

As far as following Shakespeare's model, I don't think that would matter if the poem was successful on its own.

Again, thanks for the read and your time, I'm sure your critique will help me try to take hold of this.

Ellajam to the radio,

"Although this was accepted in a sonnet thread, bena has got me thinking about the volta, which in fact is missing, and this is no sonnet."

Helen Vendler in reference to the Volta in sonnets said, "the couplet——placed not as resolution (which is the function of Q3) but as coda..." --Helen Vendler "The Art of Shakespeare's Sonnets"

As a writer of sonnets Shakespeare was a great playwright. However I think the quote is telling. The Volta can be a philosophical overview of the poem. Thus:

"Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth."

-should be counted as a worthy Volta in my mind.

Considering the excepted abandonment of IP in parts of the sonnets in the crown, it would be difficult to accept the partial crown as a series of sonnets, and yet such deficient poems were excepted in the crown from which this poem is from.
Another quote in support "the octave-sestet division is overshadowed by three distinct and equal blocks, the quatrains--and by the couplet that looks back upon the sonnet's action, often with acerbic, epigrammatic terseness or sweeping judgement." --Stephen Burt and David Mikics "Shakespeare's Sonnets"

I would say the couplet in the poem would qualify as "epigrammatic terseness."

I am of course assuming this is an Elizabethan sonnet and not a Petrarchan sonnet. The Volta in Petrarchan sonnets are of course more involved.


dale

It's the list I dislike, not just that specific list.