Edit #1



poetry floats
 
 
 
 
Buddha, wearing straw sandals, was caught
on camera in Arizona and racially profiled.
Facebook image-matched him instantly
but couldn’t help at all with Mohammed.
 
The third wise man hung around for a long
holiday weekend then slid up to heaven
ignoring the growing desert storms,
the donkey abandoned in Jerusalem.
 
Poetry floated Jim in a Parisian bath, bloated;
tethered Michael to a bedroom door, to stumble
and drop; on a gravel road it shattered like shots.
The battlefield moon names names nightly.
 
Juggled from Nazareth to Nagasaki, mercy struggles.
Deep underground corruption bubbles; poetry floats.
 
 
 








Buddha, wearing straw sandals, was caught
on CCTV cameras in Arizona, racially profiled.
Facebook image-matched him instantly
but couldn’t help at all with Mohammed.
 
The third wise man hung around for a long
holiday weekend then slid up to heaven,
ignoring the growing desert storms,
the current situation in Jerusalem.
 
Poetry floats with Jim in a Parisian bain, bloated;
tethered to a bedroom door with Michael it stumbles
and falls; on a gravel road light falls lightly
as rollcall; the battlefield moon names names nightly.
 
Juggled from Nazareth to Nigeria, mercy struggles.
Deep underground corruption bubbles; poetry floats.

I think it is impossible to find the proper title for poems such as this without understanding the background of the author him/herself. While I view myself as at least having basic grips in science, religion, philosophy and politic - especially in the middle east - ultimately, it is not my perspective that is needed to give this poem a title, only the author can.

As for the body of this poem, I must admit that I don't understand a thing apart from some very general ideas emanated from the stanzas.

One thing that caught my eyes, is the line:

Juggled from Nazareth to Nigeria, mercy struggles.


Somewhat strange to connect a line from a city to a whole country. Is it for artistic sake only or is there a deeper meaning to it? My bet is in the first as I don't see any correlation that unites the two within the context of current situation in the middle east.

Ah, a Christmas lament for world peace. I'm enjoying the rhymeless sonnet form and the mix of myth (or history) and the current world mood. I don't get every reference, but that may be one of the many holes in my general knowledge as opposed to the fault of the poem; I'll point them out anyway.

(12-26-2014, 04:59 AM)just mercedes Wrote:  Buddha, wearing straw sandals, was caught
on CCTV cameras in Arizona, racially profiled.  i'm not sure you need CCTV here, does it matter what type of camera he was caught on? I'd prefer the sound of the first two lines without it.
Facebook image-matched him instantly
but couldn’t help at all with Mohammed. For me this contrasted Buddha's open face with Mohammed's more elusive one as well as the current state of Islam in the world. I like the m sounds.

The third wise man hung around for a long
holiday weekend then slid up to heaven, I love this image, it's fun on one side and sad on the other.
ignoring the growing desert storms,
the current situation in Jerusalem. For me this line just repeated what was said more elegantly in the line above. Unless I am missing something you could put this line to better use.

Poetry floats with Jim in a Parisian bain, bloated;
tethered to a bedroom door with Michael it stumbles I don't know why Jim and Michael yet but I enjoyed the images so much it didn't bother me. I'll think harder.
and falls; on a gravel road light falls lightly
as rollcall; the battlefield moon names names nightly. I don't quite get the light/rollcall yet but the battlefield moon gets me there anyway.

Juggled from Nazareth to Nigeria, mercy struggles. This line was strong for me, juggled/struggled with poor mercy between them.
Deep underground corruption bubbles; poetry floats. I like the difference between bubbles and floats.

I plan to spend more time with this, but I hope my comments give you an idea of my read so far.

Thanks for posting it.

(12-26-2014, 04:59 AM)just mercedes Wrote:  Buddha, wearing straw sandals, was caught
on CCTV cameras in Arizona, racially profiled.
Facebook image-matched him instantly
but couldn’t help at all with Mohammed.
 
The third wise man hung around for a long
holiday weekend then slid up to heaven,
ignoring the growing desert storms,
the current situation in Jerusalem.
 
Poetry floats with Jim in a Parisian bain, bloated;
tethered to a bedroom door with Michael it stumbles
and falls; on a gravel road light falls lightly
as rollcall; the battlefield moon names names nightly.
 
Juggled from Nazareth to Nigeria, mercy struggles.
Deep underground corruption bubbles; poetry floats.

Title suggestion: "Epiphany". I really like the whole premise, but I want to know who "Jim" is, and how "poetry" got from "floating" in a bath in Paris, to being "tethered" ("tethered" made me think of those party balloons - probably because of the segue from "floating;" which in turn made me get stuck on "stumbles") to a bedroom door with "Michael" (the archangel?) and how that condition caused poor poetry to stumble and fall. (Is this a reference to the Original Fall?) For some reason I like "light falls lightly as rollcall" but I still struggle with how fast we are bouncing around. You gave us distinct places from the start, which led me to expect you to keep it up. I get the whole idea, and it moves me. Not sure whether to thank you for my future of imagining my poetry floating on a sea of corruption. Truth.

Jim Morrison, Michael Hutchence; the battlefield moon references Frank Stanford who wrote The Battlefield Where the Moon Says I Love You.- three poets I set up against the Three Wise Men, all of whom died young and by their own hands. Jim was found floating in a bath, Michael was tied to a door, Frank shot himself three times in the heart just before his 30th birthday.

(12-27-2014, 04:08 AM)just mercedes Wrote:  Jim Morrison, Michael Hutchence; the battlefield moon references Frank Stanford who wrote The Battlefield Where the Moon Says I Love You.- three poets I set up against the Three Wise Men, all of whom died young and by their own hands. Jim was found floating in a bath, Michael was tied to a door, Frank shot himself three times in the heart just before his 30th birthday.

France led me to Morrison, but then Michael made me think archangel too, so I checked St. James, then was totally lost. Maybe you could change Michael to Hutchence, or just see if others get it as is. I'll give it another go.

I quite like this poem, especially its complex allusionality.

But 'Bain'? My ignorance insisted I google it up and attempt
to find its definition amidst a jillion insistences that I really
meant 'bane'. While I love looking stuff up, it disrupted the flow
of the poem. If your intended audience knows 'bain' (same for Greek
gods, biblical references, Shakespeare quotations, Leonard Cohen
lyrics, quantum theory, etc, etc.), I applaud your conscious decision.
If not...


"I", he asided, "habitually limit my audience to readers familiar with
cat behavior."

Many good comments above (obvious weasel-out, must get back to cleaning
up xmas detritus).

Possible titles:
The Unbearable Lightness of Meaning
Classical Idiom
Syntax
Terminus

I got the bain -- Morrison died in a bathtub, and Hutchence did lovely kinky things with a doorknob that didn't end very well for him. Stumbling brought up Crowded House's "When it comes" for me, but that's probably because I've been listening to it lately. The rest of that stanza echoed "Peace Frog" (to me) and that's pretty damned appropriate given the blood in the streets.

The first stanza is the most captivating to me. We want Buddha -- he's the good guy, lovely fat belly and unthreatening bald head (not the neo-Nazi type). Buddha must have a face. Those nasty Muslims, though, they're all the same. Don't take the time to listen to one voice, just assume that they're all shouting the same thing and it's something about yo' mama.

Poets can hear those single voices -- maybe that's what kills them in the end. Too much conflict between what is and the way we're told it should be.

I am not convinced that the repetition of "falls" in S3 L3 works. I do love the light, casual rhymes and near-rhymes -- especially the juggled/struggles in the penultimate line.

Thank you all - yes, it's opened up a bit again now, I'll be back with an edit.

(12-27-2014, 04:08 AM)just mercedes Wrote:  Jim Morrison, Michael Hutchence; the battlefield moon references Frank Stanford who wrote The Battlefield Where the Moon Says I Love You.- three poets I set up against the Three Wise Men, all of whom died young and by their own hands. Jim was found floating in a bath, Michael was tied to a door, Frank shot himself three times in the heart just before his 30th birthday.

Ah. Now I know.

JM,

"Buddha, wearing straw sandals, was caught
on CCTV cameras in Arizona, racially profiled."

Seems as though an "and" is needed after Arizona. He was caught...and racially profiled.

The third wise-man had to be Jesus to round out the big three. Plus he spent a long weekend (hanging around), three days would be a long weekend, before he "slid up to Heaven". I like the beatnik vibe in that last line.

He is the only one I can think of that can represent both Jews and Christians, which would fit the lines "ignoring the growing desert storms,
the current situation in Jerusalem." Plus how could you have Christmas without him. Yeah I know it's not really his birthday, but most people think it is. Imagine those Catholic leaders changing his birthday to the Winter Solstice just to get more pagan followers. Isn't there something kind of perverse about that. Willing to base your religion willingly on false ideas just to "grow your church". WWJD?  


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Interesting poem JM, I look forward to seeing your edit.

Dale