edit

Why write love letters,
why write love letters in November?
As fading ghosts to blow an ember.

Why face the rain,
Why face the rain in sudden shiver?
As if looking for one lost forever.

Absolve me.

It's all cold now - under unrelenting gale.
The crackle of rattling windows forewarn
a suffocating grey wetness reaching out through the treeline
to bang on shutters and howl at doors.

Again too sick for December's creep.


original

Why write love letters,
why write love letters in November?
As fading ghosts to blow an ember?

Why face the rain,
why face the rain in sudden shiver?
As if looking for one lost forever?

I can't.
It's all cold now, blowing strong.
The murmurs of rattling windows forewarn
a suffocating grey wetness reaching out through the treeline
to bang on shutters and howl at doors.

Again too sick for December's creep.

there seems to be a lot of words saying very little. the last stanza isn't too bad but the rest isn't to good.

(12-02-2014, 01:19 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  Why write love letters,
why write love letters in November?
As fading ghosts to blow an ember? doesn't really work

Why face the rain,
why face the rain in sudden shiver? this and the next line feel foreign (not expressed well enough) to what i'm imagining is meant
As if looking for one lost forever?

I can't. no need for i can't as the reader can deduce the fact
It's all cold now, blowing strong.
The murmurs of rattling windows forewarn
a suffocating grey wetness reaching out through the treeline
to bang on shutters and howl at doors. in this stanza you have some imagery that lifts the poem, we can feel the cold, before that you just told of the elements.

Again too sick for December's creep. no need for again

Some great imagery here and I like the concept - some thoughts below.

(12-02-2014, 01:19 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  Why write love letters,
why write love letters in November?
As fading ghosts to blow an ember? - really like this stanza - it grows an idea/question nicely

Why face the rain,
why face the rain in sudden shiver?
As if looking for one lost forever? - again an idea is nicely built

I can't.
It's all cold now, blowing strong. - sugg leave out "strong"
The murmurs of rattling windows forewarn - clashes of soft and hard constanants murmurs/rattling plus murmurs seems out of place
a suffocating grey wetness reaching out through the treeline - how about "from" the treeline?
to bang on shutters and howl at doors.

Again too sick for December's creep. - again too sick? - how about "Again we dread December's creep"?

(12-02-2014, 01:19 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  Why write love letters,  
why write love letters in November?  
As fading ghosts to blow an ember? (I like this line, but the question mark detracts from the haunting feeling of it because of the repetitive questions throughout the entire piece.  Perhaps there is a level of uncertainty you want circling around this, but I think giving it a period and making it a statement will have more impact.)

Why face the rain,
why face the rain in sudden shiver?
As if looking for one lost forever?  (Same feeling towards the question mark in this line.)

I can't.  ("I can't" has become an overused line, but I understand that you're trying to deeply convey the inability of tolerating.)
It's all cold now, blowing strong. (There's something iffy here with the punctuation.  A comma doesn't seem the right fit, maybe shoot for a semicolon.)
The murmurs of rattling windows forewarn
a suffocating grey wetness reaching out through the treeline  (I grew up having learned that "gray" is a color and "grey" is a name.  Though, I see that it differs with countries, but my brain gives me a hard time when I see the spelling of "grey" used for a color, so it's more of a personal preference.)
to bang on shutters and howl at doors. (Overall, this last stanza is beautiful.)

Again too sick for December's creep. (I love the use of "creep" here, as it can be taken in many ways but each way is still just as haunting.  Personally, I'm okay with the use of "again" because you want us to know this feeling is and has been overwhelmingly repetitive.)

A poem with strong potential--good job!

thank you all for your comments, I will consider them. The again is need in the last line though. And it is sick, as my hope was that it would tie in subtley with the loss in the first two stanzas..
I agree that the I Can't line needs work, but I was struggling with a transition.

A minor edit from the recommendations I got here


Why write love letters,
why write love letters in November?
As fading ghosts to blow an ember.

Why face the rain,
Why face the rain in sudden shiver?
As if looking for one lost forever.

Absolve me.

It's all cold now - under unrelenting gale.
The crackle of rattling windows forewarn
a suffocating grey wetness reaching out through the treeline
to bang on shutters and howl at doors.

Again too sick for December's creep.

Hi, Q, this is growing on me, thanks for posting it. A few notes:

(12-02-2014, 01:19 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  edit

Why write love letters,
why write love letters in November?
As fading ghosts to blow an ember.
I've grown to enjoy the repetition. Love the description. I'd prefer the ? at the end and maybe the dropping of "as". Same for the lines below.

Why face the rain,
Why face the rain in sudden shiver?
As if looking for one lost forever.

Absolve me. A lot said in this one line.

It's all cold now - under unrelenting gale. I don't think the 2nd half is weighty enough to warrant the - .
The crackle of rattling windows forewarn Crackle is very good, you might consider the personification of "cackle".
a suffocating grey wetness reaching out through the treeline
to bang on shutters and howl at doors. Meh to these two lines, effective but not as interesting as the rest.

Again too sick for December's creep. Again too sick is weak, maybe your point but again I'd prefer something more unique.


original

Why write love letters,
why write love letters in November?
As fading ghosts to blow an ember?

Why face the rain,
why face the rain in sudden shiver?
As if looking for one lost forever?

I can't.
It's all cold now, blowing strong.
The murmurs of rattling windows forewarn
a suffocating grey wetness reaching out through the treeline
to bang on shutters and howl at doors.

Again too sick for December's creep.

Thanks for the read.

This would be a very good counter poem to the love poem you just critiqued for me! =D

I think your formatting really goes well with your poem. letters normally start... "dear Mr/Mrs -----," and addresses the person. You start with the same format, "Why write love letters," and address your topic. In your second stanza you use the word "one" as a noun, I am not sure who or what this is meant to be (maybe this is what you intended).One could mean, facing the rain looking for a love letter? or a person? lover? or maybe a fading ghost? The second half of this poem is my favorite part, but your last line is a little meek.

I hadn't really thought about it but I agree that "one" is a pretty vague word, Its a bit of a crutch I guess. I meant for it to be a more general "anyone" but I can see where there's confusion.

I like that "one" can apply to any of those things. For me that is the fine strength of the opening. It is the haunting, empty "one".

Just one reader.

(12-06-2014, 01:18 PM)ellajam Wrote:  I like that "one" can apply to any of those things. For me that is the fine strength of the opening. It is the haunting, empty "one".

I agree!! It just depends on how you want your audience to interpret your poem.

(12-06-2014, 01:21 PM)Beacherjosh Wrote:  

(12-06-2014, 01:18 PM)ellajam Wrote:  I like that "one" can apply to any of those things. For me that is the fine strength of the opening. It is the haunting, empty "one".

I agree!! It just depends on how you want your audience to interpret your poem.

And that's the fun of reading and writing poetry. The writer can control that as much as he is able, but cannot fully control the impact of it on the individual reader, who comes to the page with his own life. My readers are often one step ahead of me, I enjoy that.

I think there is a difference between ambiguity and an opening where the reader stands and looks around. For me this is "one" of those times.
*ducks before Tom swings*