I was the sunshine that cradled your day
that tried to push the clouds away
I was the sand that ran between your toes
when you were four years old
that soon became the rain you danced in
from seven to eleven
And I watched you grow in the glow
of a moon that beamed
when you turned thirteen
How unfair you thought I'd become
when you turned twenty-one
because you lost a few dreams
But I stayed awake when you were out late
I was the stars 'till you turned twenty-eight
And when you found your love
"the one"
I was glimmer in the eye, the blue sky, the sun
Then you turned thirty-one
I became cloud, thunder and shower
there weren't enough minutes to put in your hour
You forgot how to dance in the rain
'till you turned forty all you did was complain
Then you took off your shoes
and went back to the sand
I was now the warmth of your child's hand
At forty-three
you spent more time with me
You began
to understand
And when you stood fifty years old
you stayed warm to me even though
at times I was cold
How close we grew
when you turned sixty-two
The breeze was I
that hung your grandchild's kite in the sky
And I'm sorry I made you sad
when I took "the one" away
But I was proud
when you pushed aside that cloud
and cradled me in the sun
for the remainder of our day

(11-26-2014, 06:00 PM)GerryMattia Wrote:  I was the sunshine that cradled your day
that tried to push the clouds away
I was the sand that ran between your toes
when you were four years old
that soon became the rain you danced in
from seven to eleven
And I watched you grow in the glow
of a moon that beamed
when you turned thirteen
How unfair you thought I'd become
when you turned twenty-one
because you lost a few dreams
But I stayed awake when you were out late
I was the stars 'till you turned twenty-eight
And when you found your love
"the one"
I was glimmer in the eye, the blue sky, the sun
Then you turned thirty-one
I became cloud, thunder and shower
there weren't enough minutes to put in your hour
You forgot how to dance in the rain
'till you turned forty all you did was complain
Then you took off your shoes
and went back to the sand
I was now the warmth of your child's hand
At forty-three
you spent more time with me
You began
to understand
And when you stood fifty years old
you stayed warm to me even though
at times I was cold
How close we grew
when you turned sixty-two
The breeze was I
that hung your grandchild's kite in the sky
And I'm sorry I made you sad
when I took "the one" away
But I was proud
when you pushed aside that cloud
and cradled me in the sun
for the remainder of our day

Hey there. Just wanted to suggest a few things that may make your poem easier for the viewer to read and hear out loud. First off I noticed you lack stanzas and periods. I would just add some to help with the flow and rhyme scheme of the poem.
For example.

I was the sunshine that cradled your day,

that tried to push the clouds away.
 
I was the sand that ran between your toes
when you were four years old.

That soon became the rain you danced in
from seven to eleven.

I watched you grow in the glow  Removed and for ya
of a moon that beamed
when you turned thirteen.

Try and space out your ideas. Separate then into stanzas that match your rhyme scheme. I really like the idea of this poem and I think it has potential. I would think the theme is change. Anyways keep at it!

(11-26-2014, 06:00 PM)GerryMattia Wrote:  I was the sunshine that cradled your day
that tried to push the clouds away
I was the sand that ran between your toes meter is okay here
when you were four years old I suggest adding 'only' between were and four.
that soon became the rain you danced in the meter is becoming erratic, stick to a definitive meter.
from seven to eleven so chronologically God observes the woman.
And I watched you grow in the glow
of a moon that beamed
when you turned thirteen
How unfair you thought I'd become
when you turned twenty-one
because you lost a few dreams Enjoyed the last few lines here. the lack of breaks makes the poem hard to read, and will confuse readers. Break it up.
But I stayed awake when you were out late this line needs some work, syntax is clunky.
I was the stars 'till you turned twenty-eight
And when you found your love
"the one" could break this line from the next by making it into a stanza.
I was glimmer in the eye, the blue sky, the sun cut 'the' and replace with your.
Then you turned thirty-one
I became cloud, thunder and shower
there weren't enough minutes to put in your hour cut 'your' here. the meter is jumping all over the place.
You forgot how to dance in the rain
'till you turned forty all you did was complain nice rhyming here.
Then you took off your shoes
and went back to the sand break this up into a separate stanza to make it easier to read.
I was now the warmth of your child's hand
At forty-three
you spent more time with me the meter is becoming extremely sloppy and the poem's sentiment suffers because of it.
You began
to understand why breaking this into two lines?
And when you stood fifty years old
you stayed warm to me even though
at times I was cold break into separate stanza.
How close we grew
when you turned sixty-two
The breeze was I
that hung your grandchild's kite in the sky this line seems too long and cluttered.
And I'm sorry I made you sad
when I took "the one" away
But I was proud
when you pushed aside that cloud
and cradled me in the sun
for the remainder of our day semi-decent ending.

Hello. While the poem's sentiment was enduring and emotionally potent, the cluttered format of this poem failed to execute. In it's current state, it was difficult to read and the fluctuating meter implemented took away from poem's expression. I suggest breaking this up into separate stanzas and rewording some of the lines to adhere to a structured meter. The ending of the poem was okay, but it failed to trigger an emotional reaction. Keep working on it.

Azure