Swollen eyeball reality jarring me
awake. I blacked-out in the same
position as yesterday screaming
politics into ears half deafened by
Jim Morrison on repeat screeching
I did it again, I don’t know where
I am. Bevies of 40 ounce gut-rot
clank, a phlegmy attempt to rise
from tattered futon feebly. Lonesome
like a foreigner I trip, finding that
damn sobriety chip. Two sprawled
nudes croak, a jackhammer
sputters outside.

(11-16-2014, 01:11 AM)azure Wrote:  Swollen eyeball reality jarring me -- I'm not sure about swollen eyeball reality. It seems awkward to me. I awoke (awake, whatever tense you want I suppose) to swollen eyeballs yet again (though you don't really need yet again) or possibly I was jarred awake by swollen eyeballs.
awake. I blacked-out in the same
position as yesterday screaming -- Maybe a comma after yesterday. You could also include a detail that implies this cyclical phenomenon. Perhaps your body is imprinted on the futon.
politics into ears half deafened by -- I don't really like ears half deafened (just my opinion). Maybe this message can be conveyed more concisely.
Jim Morrison on repeat screeching
I did it again, I don’t know where
I am. Bevies of 40 ounce gut-rot
clank, a phlegmy attempt to rise
from tattered futon feebly. Lonesome -- rise from tattered futon feebly feels awkward
like a foreigner I trip, finding that
damn sobriety chip. Two sprawled
nudes croak, a jackhammer
sputters outside. -- This is not such a bad ending.

The details on the images aren't too bad and the ending is not bad. However, some of the language seems a little cluttered. Sorry if my critique is a little vague.

Cluttered as my nervous brain! Thank you for the critique, am editing now.  

Hello Azure, welcome to the site. A few comments:

(11-16-2014, 01:11 AM)azure Wrote:  Swollen eyeball reality jarring me drop the reality. Either the poem is perceived as one, or it itselfs make plain that it isnt. Really disturbing word.
awake. I blacked-out in the same Is it really the eyball that makes you awake, considering all the other, to me stronger symtpoms described throughout the poem?
position as yesterday screaming I would like to know more about that position. This way, seems too distant. 
politics into ears half deafened by Good image with the politics.. maybe be more specific? You have specific Jim Morrison instead of "music", so why not specific politics? But only a minor suggestion, still works quite well in this context. 
Jim Morrison on repeat screeching
I did it again, I don’t know where  Mentioning Jim Morrison and then "I did it again" suggest Britney too much for me.  Maybe be more expressive? I fu*ked up again? 
I am. Bevies of 40 ounce gut-rot
clank, a phlegmy attempt to rise I like this. The rising phlegm or the rising I. 
from tattered futon feebly. Lonesome You know at least you are at a futon. Yet you claim you dont know where you are. Find a way to consolidate this. The "feebly" at position it is sounds disturbing. Move it at the beginning of the line, you still have asonoance with "from"
like a foreigner I trip, finding that
damn sobriety chip. Two sprawled
nudes croak, a jackhammer Like the "croak" this conveys the mood of  the speaker quite well.
sputters outside. Good ending. Giving some "rhytmical order" to the percepts of the speaker, yet still way too much violent to be pleasant. 

At first I didnt like the enjambments, but then actually came to like them, finding out what the poem actually was about. To me, they now convey that draggy atmosphere, fixing itself at various more or less random percepts... 

(11-17-2014, 06:04 AM)SimikPK Wrote:  Hello Azure, welcome to the site. A few comments:

(11-16-2014, 01:11 AM)azure Wrote:  Swollen eyeball reality jarring me drop the reality. Either the poem is perceived as one, or it itselfs make plain that it isnt. Really disturbing word.
awake. I blacked-out in the same Is it really the eyball that makes you awake, considering all the other, to me stronger symtpoms described throughout the poem?
position as yesterday screaming I would like to know more about that position. This way, seems too distant. 
politics into ears half deafened by Good image with the politics.. maybe be more specific? You have specific Jim Morrison instead of "music", so why not specific politics? But only a minor suggestion, still works quite well in this context. 
Jim Morrison on repeat screeching
I did it again, I don’t know where  Mentioning Jim Morrison and then "I did it again" suggest Britney too much for me.  Maybe be more expressive? I fu*ked up again? 
I am. Bevies of 40 ounce gut-rot
clank, a phlegmy attempt to rise I like this. The rising phlegm or the rising I. 
from tattered futon feebly. Lonesome You know at least you are at a futon. Yet you claim you dont know where you are. Find a way to consolidate this. The "feebly" at position it is sounds disturbing. Move it at the beginning of the line, you still have asonoance with "from"
like a foreigner I trip, finding that
damn sobriety chip. Two sprawled
nudes croak, a jackhammer Like the "croak" this conveys the mood of  the speaker quite well.
sputters outside. Good ending. Giving some "rhytmical order" to the percepts of the speaker, yet still way too much violent to be pleasant. 

At first I didnt like the enjambments, but then actually came to like them, finding out what the poem actually was about. To me, they now convey that draggy atmosphere, fixing itself at various more or less random percepts... 

Thank you for taking the time to critique, the editing of this poem I have stalled for now because I am indecisive and stuck. Will try to change that soon.

Azure,

If, when I am reading a poem, a trope jumps out at me, waves it's hand, and says, "oh look I am being used", this is generally not a good thing.

"a phlegmy attempt to rise from tattered futon feebly" Yes this is assonance, it also makes little sense and is very obvious. I would suggest that you had something like "listless(ly)" and then got out your thesaurus and just happened on "phlegm(ly)". I've done it many times myself trying to find new ways to say things. In this case you get an "A" for effort but an "F" for execution.

Enjambment is like super glue, a little goes a long ways and should be used judiciously with skill or not at all. Enjambment is a way to split a single word between two thoughts, it is not used as embellishment, or for emphasis. It should not be used unless one has an solid idea about what one is writing, which is not happening here. As in your last poem, I believe I can guess at what you mean to say, but I am the reader, it is not my job to guess. It is the writers job to write clearly enough that no guessing is needed. There is no expounding of great unknown and difficult thoughts here. This is fairly well covered ground, not just in poetry, but in prose, in music, stage, and film. Let's look at a sentence. I always write my sentences out in a single line to make sure they make sense, and as it is easier to see errors that way.

"I blacked-out in the same position as yesterday screaming politics into ears half deafened by Jim Morrison on repeat screeching I did it again, I don’t know where I am."

One of the first things we could assume, simply from the length is that this is a run on sentence, and we see that it is. Run on sentences make no more sense in poetry than they do in prose.
You probably did not "black-out in the same position as yesterday", as "black-out" means that you are up and doing things, talking and interacting with people, but nothing is getting recorded in memory. So it makes no sense to say you black-outed in such and such place, as you would not remember. Pass-out would be the correct phrase.
The question of who is "screeching I did it again" is up for debate. Is that person the speaker, or is it Jim Morrison? This cannot be ascertained from the sentence. Same with "I don’t know where I am."

As this is mild I'll stop there. Do not be discouraged, we all have to go through difficult things to improve, and that continues no matter how long you do this poetry thing.

Dale