Out of sweat, I swig my beer
and splash another rock;
one last blast of steam to sear
before I splash the dock.
 
Run then jump and cannonball
into the frigid lake;
climb out like an Elmo doll
that smiles and laughs and shakes.

(10-14-2014, 01:09 PM)Wjames Wrote:  Out of sweat, I swig my beer
and splash another rock;
one last blast of steam to sear
before I splash the dock.
 
Run then jump and cannonball
into the frigid lake;
climb out like an Elmo doll
that smiles and laughs and shakes.

I don't have much line by line critique for this poem, it is pretty flawless. Though, I don't know how one can sear steam. I'm assuming you were grilling, since this poem reminds me of a halcyon family vacation. One thing I am confused about is the very last line of the poem. The whole poem is written in alternating lines of 7 and 6 syllables. Did the last line try to revolt and prove its independence by breaking meter? Maybe it is a form of poetry I'm not acquainted with...

I've seen the double "and" thing before, and am aware of its purpose as stylistic grammar. There's nothing overtly wrong, but why not omit the first "and", and change the last line to, "that smiles, laughs, and shakes".

I'm also having trouble connecting the poem itself to the title. My intuition tells me there's an underlying meaning, so I waited a few hours, read it again, but still couldn't put 2 and 2 together. Alas, thanks for the read, it proved enjoyable every time around.

(10-23-2014, 12:54 AM)coy Wrote:  

(10-14-2014, 01:09 PM)Wjames Wrote:  Out of sweat, I swig my beer
and splash another rock;
one last blast of steam to sear
before I splash the dock.
 
Run then jump and cannonball
into the frigid lake;
climb out like an Elmo doll
that smiles and laughs and shakes.

I don't have much line by line critique for this poem, it is pretty flawless. Though, I don't know how one can sear steam. I'm assuming you were grilling, since this poem reminds me of a halcyon family vacation. One thing I am confused about is the very last line of the poem. The whole poem is written in alternating lines of 7 and 6 syllables. Did the last line try to revolt and prove its independence by breaking meter? Maybe it is a form of poetry I'm not acquainted with...
I've seen the double "and" thing before, and am aware of its purpose as stylistic grammar. There's nothing overtly wrong, but why not omit the first "and", and change the last line to, "that smiles, laughs, and shakes".
I'm also having trouble connecting the poem itself to the title. My intuition tells me there's an underlying meaning, so I waited a few hours, read it again, but still couldn't put 2 and 2 together. Alas, thanks for the read, it proved enjoyable every time around.

Thanks for reading, and giving me your thoughts on this one.

The steam "sears" because stanza one is describing sitting in a sauna (which is why the narrator is out of sweat), and after splashing the flame-cooked rock, the steam rises and spreads throughout the sauna, giving a pleasant (or unpleasant) burning sensation. The title then, is referring to the refreshing contrast between sitting in a very hot sauna, and jumping into a cold lake. I may not have done a good enough job of getting that across.

In the last line, I pronounced "smiles" as one syllable instead of "smy-els", which after reading your critique and tossing it in a syllable counter I realize is probably wrong. I think your final line might be better, so I'll do some thinking on it.
Thanks again for your thoughts

i like everything about this.  the meter is spot on so are the rhymes. okay cannonball and dock are a bit off but i never noticed they were until i'd had a forth read ( i looking for it)
thanks for the chill

(10-14-2014, 01:09 PM)Wjames Wrote:  Out of sweat, I swig my beer
and splash another rock;
one last blast of steam to sear
before I splash the dock.
 
Run then jump and cannonball
into the frigid lake;
climb out like an Elmo doll
that smiles and laughs and shakes.

(10-23-2014, 03:15 AM)billy Wrote:  i like everything about this.  the meter is spot on so are the rhymes. okay cannonball and dock are a bit off but i never noticed they were until i'd had a forth read ( i looking for it)
thanks for the chill

(10-14-2014, 01:09 PM)Wjames Wrote:  Out of sweat, I swig my beer
and splash another rock;
one last blast of steam to sear
before I splash the dock.
 
Run then jump and cannonball
into the frigid lake;
climb out like an Elmo doll
that smiles and laughs and shakes.

Thanks for reading, I'm glad you liked it. I like the randomness of the Elmo doll, I wasn't sure if anyone else would.

(10-23-2014, 03:11 AM)Wjames Wrote:  

(10-23-2014, 12:54 AM)coy Wrote:  

(10-14-2014, 01:09 PM)Wjames Wrote:  Out of sweat, I swig my beer
and splash another rock;
one last blast of steam to sear
before I splash the dock.
 
Run then jump and cannonball
into the frigid lake;
climb out like an Elmo doll
that smiles and laughs and shakes.

I don't have much line by line critique for this poem, it is pretty flawless. Though, I don't know how one can sear steam. I'm assuming you were grilling, since this poem reminds me of a halcyon family vacation. One thing I am confused about is the very last line of the poem. The whole poem is written in alternating lines of 7 and 6 syllables. Did the last line try to revolt and prove its independence by breaking meter? Maybe it is a form of poetry I'm not acquainted with...
I've seen the double "and" thing before, and am aware of its purpose as stylistic grammar. There's nothing overtly wrong, but why not omit the first "and", and change the last line to, "that smiles, laughs, and shakes".
I'm also having trouble connecting the poem itself to the title. My intuition tells me there's an underlying meaning, so I waited a few hours, read it again, but still couldn't put 2 and 2 together. Alas, thanks for the read, it proved enjoyable every time around.

Thanks for reading, and giving me your thoughts on this one.

The steam "sears" because stanza one is describing sitting in a sauna (which is why the narrator is out of sweat), and after splashing the flame-cooked rock, the steam rises and spreads throughout the sauna, giving a pleasant (or unpleasant) burning sensation. The title then, is referring to the refreshing contrast between sitting in a very hot sauna, and jumping into a cold lake. I may not have done a good enough job of getting that across.

In the last line, I pronounced "smiles" as one syllable instead of "smy-els", which after reading your critique and tossing it in a syllable counter I realize is probably wrong. I think your final line might be better, so I'll do some thinking on it.
Thanks again for your thoughts

Mmm... The title makes perfect sense now that the I understand the main character went from a sauna - > freezing lake. From a technical standpoint, I'm realized actually wrong about the word smile. D:

But until the day I am placed in my grave I will promulgate that smile is almost always spoken as two syllables.