Galaxy

At night, at times
You cannot see me when I reach to life
Of distant galaxies of galaxies away
From light-years to stars at bay.

Where you can see clouds and gasses
Not just Neptune and ashes
I've found true freedom here
Subtle knowings that take too long to process

No aliens, No Martians
Just me and nothing alive
But I can see so much,
Not just blackness and dust

I can see the eroded Earth.
Were the sea has spilled over land,
Forever Sahara, a Chernobyl wasteland
If alive, then speak;

I can only see you watching me.
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Well, there you go. I've been trying to write shorter poetry. I've also been trying to churn out more Optimistic poetry which of course I thought was terribly cliche. Then again, I thought this was cliche, too.

I welcome all feedback.

Optimistic poetry is the least cliched of all, and the most boring.

As the banner across the top of the page says:

Give feedback before posting a poem in any of the workshops.

This applies to every poem you post, please catch up. Thanks, ella/mod

(10-07-2014, 12:13 AM)Orion Wrote:  Galaxy

At night, at times
You cannot see me when I reach to life
Of distant galaxies of galaxies away
From light-years to stars at bay.

Where you can see clouds and gasses
Not just Neptune and ashes
I've found true freedom here
Subtle knowings that take too long to process

No aliens, No Martians
Just me and nothing alive
But I can see so much,
Not just blackness and dust

I can see the eroded Earth.
Were the sea has spilled over land,
Forever Sahara, a Chernobyl wasteland
If alive, then speak;

I can only see you watching me.
----------------------------------------------------------

Well, there you go. I've been trying to write shorter poetry. I've also been trying to churn out more Optimistic poetry which of course I thought was terribly cliche. Then again, I thought this was cliche, too.

I welcome all feedback.

I sorry but I just didn't like it. I think because maybe I didn't understand it. Are you talking to us or is the galaxy talking to us? I think someone posted in here you shouldn't have to explain your poems, but I think I just did a fly by. VROOM... LOL Sorry!

(10-07-2014, 12:13 AM)Orion Wrote:  Galaxy

At night, at times
You cannot see me when I reach to life
Of distant galaxies of galaxies away <-- "galaxies" repeated twice hear seems unnecessary, except that it provides the necessary syllables for a good flow.  I suggest replacing one of them with an alternative
From light-years to stars at bay.

Where you can see clouds and gasses
Not just Neptune and ashes
I've found true freedom here
Subtle knowings that take too long to process <-- This line doesn't fit with the rhythm

No aliens, No Martians
Just me and nothing alive
But I can see so much,
Not just blackness and dust <-- again, this fourth line, like the one above, mess with the flow...

I can see the eroded Earth.
Were the sea has spilled over land, <-- I assume you meant "Where" ?  
Forever Sahara, a Chernobyl wasteland
If alive, then speak; <-- These four lines work for me, and evokes a great image in my mind

I can only see you watching me. <-- I suggest removing "only", it'll make a more powerful end line
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Well, there you go. I've been trying to write shorter poetry. I've also been trying to churn out more Optimistic poetry which of course I thought was terribly cliche. Then again, I thought this was cliche, too.

I welcome all feedback.

Line 2, you say reach to life. Are you yearning for extraterrestrial contact? If not I feel that could be reworded. I had trouble with that.

On line three, should there not be a comma between "galaxies, of galaxies?" I like that line, though. I would throw in a comma and leave it myself.

Really the whole first stanza, though, I cannot decipher.
Actually the whole thing perplexes me. Are you speaking of a cosmic wonder you feel, and juxtaposing it with the image of a barren earth? There are some flashes of brilliancy in there, but I'm really not drawing any context from it.

Maybe it's just my state of mind at the moment, I'm feeling less than astute right now so maybe I'll come back later and it will click.

Okay, I'm back. It still doesn't click and your non-existent punctuation does not help matters.

Hi. I like the description of earth in the three lines beginning  "I can see the eroded Earth". I think these lines work well.  :-)

I'm totally confused throughout the poem about who is speaking. I don't know who the 'you' is referring to in the second line, and still a bit flummoxed at the last line.  A bit more clarity on this would help, I think.

This is poetic, but you shouldn’t sacrfice clarity for eloquence. Write a poem the way you would speak to a loved one; make sure she can understand you. Then worry about sounding romantic. You’d be good at that. images and symbolism should be anchored to a sound idea/concept/message.

(10-07-2014, 12:13 AM)Orion Wrote:  Galaxy

At night, at times The "at times" feels very unnecessary to me.
You cannot see me when I reach to life  ....Because it's night? It doesn't really make that much sense, the "you cannot see me" part. If you're trying to imply that your optimism is all hidden, try something else
Of distant galaxies of galaxies away Yeah, galaxies is repetitive. And, technically speaking, a "galaxy of galaxies" is actually called a cluster....
From light-years to stars at bay. Light-years is a measure of distance, stars are balls of gas, "at bay" either means they're parked at a harbor, or they're held back by something. This just doesn't make any sense.

Where you can see clouds and gases,
Not just Neptune and ashes The rhyme is forced. And Neptune is a ball of gas, and ashes can form clouds too.
I've found true freedom here ....a bit cliched, yes
Subtle knowings that take too long to process A bit dinky. I would word this differently, and maybe remove either the "subtle" part or the "too long to process" part since both are essentially interchangeable.

No aliens, No Martians You don't add anything with the repetition here.
Just me and nothing alive I would reword this differently. You could maybe use words that sound a bit more...I dunno, empty?
But I can see so much, 
Not just blackness and dust This is weird, though, in that at any point in open space (excluding black holes, of course), it's pretty to see something interesting, due to the fact that there's a lot of stars. Now, that may sound technical, but to the part of your audience that can actually imagine being out there, this description of emptiness in sight would be really detracting. Instead of going for visual loneliness, try invoking other senses, or developing the idea that however dazzling the universe is, where you are still feels empty.

I can see the eroded Earth Period unnecessary
Where the sea has spilled over land,
Forever Sahara, a Chernobyl wasteland Sahara and Chernobyl are dry, but a sea spilling over land is wet. Conflicting imagery that doesn't seem to be intended is, well, bad.
If alive, then speak;

I can only see you watching me. This ending feels disconnected. As interesting as it is that you can only really sense the "you" looking at you, the fact that you noted seeing so many other things clearly and with the fullest of your attentions makes this point very empty. You should change this up.
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Who are you? Are you a constellation? Orion? Watching the happenings on Earth from millions of yeas ago. I thought you were God first reading. It sounds vey lonesome out there. Is space true freedom? This is an interesting idea, watcher being watched and the watcher is stars but I feel like you are kind of holding yourself at arms length but then again maybe a space poem need.....well space. I think you have captured an emptiness and desolation that I imagine space would be. Here am I sitting in a tin can, Bowie kind of thing.