edit #1 (thanks leanne, ray, marcella, billy):

At high tide, the sea ejects
foam and glass fishing floats.
                   
We wait for the waters to recede,
tiptoe around anemones and crabs;
I spot a small green globe.
 
She says it belongs to a Japanese goddess,
her eyes plucked out by a vengeful lover
and cast into the deep.
 
I see only an old sake bottle
crafted into a sphere,
etched with sand and netting patterns.
 
Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye.



original:


beachcombing*

At high tide, the sea spews forth
green foam and glass fishing floats.
 
We wait for the waters to recede,
tiptoe around anemones and crabs
until I spot a small celadon orb.
 
She says it belongs to a Japanese goddess,
her eyes plucked out by a vengeful lover
and cast into the deep.
 
I see nothing more
than a recycled old sake bottle
etched with sand and netting patterns.
 
Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye.



*not really tied to the title, in fact i hate it but can't think of anything better. suggestions?

(10-01-2014, 01:41 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  beachcombing*

At high tide, the sea spews forth -- "spews forth" is ever so slightly leaning towards cliche... how would you feel about "ejects" or something similar? (I only suggest "ejects" because it ties the sounds in this line and the next together)
green foam and glass fishing floats.
 
We wait for the waters to recede,
tiptoe around anemones and crabs -- personally I'd stick a semi-colon here and get rid of "until I" in the next line
until I spot a small celadon orb.
 
She says it belongs to a Japanese goddess,
her eyes plucked out by a vengeful lover
and cast into the deep.
 
I see nothing more -- this strophe is a little wordy -- perhaps "I see only/ a recycled old..."?
than a recycled old sake bottle
etched with sand and netting patterns.
 
Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye.  -- wonderful close



*not really tied to the title, in fact i hate it but can't think of anything better. suggestions?

I quite like the title, although "jetsom" came to mind as well. 

Leanne speaks truth

I DO like this poem. Love's dichotomy accepted.

At high tide, the sea spews forth --   <-maybe 'reveals', 'displays' ...

'until I spot a small celadon orb'  <- i think something simpler would do

'than a recycled old sake bottle' <- fishing floats and orbs are spheres, but now it's bottle-shaped
ok, i'm picky, but it is a bit distracting... also eyes are spheres not bottles...

"Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye." <- yes, beautiful!

maybe the title should reflect some event in the poem, something about the relationship,
or your view of her, her fancies and how you love them... not mushy, but intimate

How about "Orbits"?

(10-01-2014, 03:44 PM)Leanne Wrote:  

(10-01-2014, 01:41 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  beachcombing*

At high tide, the sea spews forth -- "spews forth" is ever so slightly leaning towards cliche... how would you feel about "ejects" or something similar? (I only suggest "ejects" because it ties the sounds in this line and the next together)
green foam and glass fishing floats.
 
We wait for the waters to recede,
tiptoe around anemones and crabs -- personally I'd stick a semi-colon here and get rid of "until I" in the next line
until I spot a small celadon orb.
 
She says it belongs to a Japanese goddess,
her eyes plucked out by a vengeful lover
and cast into the deep.
 
I see nothing more -- this strophe is a little wordy -- perhaps "I see only/ a recycled old..."?
than a recycled old sake bottle
etched with sand and netting patterns.
 
Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye.  -- wonderful close



*not really tied to the title, in fact i hate it but can't think of anything better. suggestions?

I quite like the title, although "jetsom" came to mind as well. 

thanks Leanne. great suggestions. original title was "flotsam and jetsam" but i scrapped that for "beachcombing" i dunno though. i'll think on it. thanks again!

(10-01-2014, 04:39 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:  Leanne speaks truth

I DO like this poem. Love's dichotomy accepted.

At high tide, the sea spews forth --   <-maybe 'reveals', 'displays' ...

'until I spot a small celadon orb'  <- i think something simpler would do

'than a recycled old sake bottle' <- fishing floats and orbs are spheres, but now it's bottle-shaped
ok, i'm picky, but it is a bit distracting... also eyes are spheres not bottles...

"Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye." <- yes, beautiful!

maybe the title should reflect some event in the poem, something about the relationship,
or your view of her, her fancies and how you love them... not mushy, but intimate

thanks ray. 

as to what you refer to here:

'than a recycled old sake bottle' <- fishing floats and orbs are spheres, but now it's bottle-shaped
ok, i'm picky, but it is a bit distracting... also eyes are spheres not bottles... 


i guess what i was trying to do there was reference the float's origins (authentic Japanese floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles) rather than the actual shape, which clearly would be a sphere after re-purposing by the glass shop but maybe that isn't clear enough. food for thought!

and thank you for the ideas about the title, much appreciated.

(10-01-2014, 04:44 PM)Leanne Wrote:  How about "Orbits"?

hmm...let me think on that. i like the inference. 

the bottle: I pictured it buried neck down with only the bottom exposed, close enough to orb for me.

(10-02-2014, 01:22 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  i guess what i was trying to do there was reference the float's origins (authentic Japanese floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles) rather than the actual shape, which clearly would be a sphere after re-purposing by the glass shop but maybe that isn't clear enough. food for thought!

and thank you for the ideas about the title, much appreciated.

"floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles"

Oh! Didn't know that. I stand corrected.

(10-02-2014, 02:20 AM)ellajam Wrote:  the bottle: I pictured it buried neck down with only the bottom exposed, close enough to orb for me.

 
hmm. that still concerns me, marcella. i don't mean for the glass to be in its original form, it's now a float. that's a problem! 

ok i'll think on this a bit. i'll address it in the edit. thanks for chiming in though!

(10-02-2014, 06:59 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  

(10-02-2014, 01:22 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  i guess what i was trying to do there was reference the float's origins (authentic Japanese floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles) rather than the actual shape, which clearly would be a sphere after re-purposing by the glass shop but maybe that isn't clear enough. food for thought!

and thank you for the ideas about the title, much appreciated.

"floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles"

Oh! Didn't know that. I stand corrected.

well to be fair, the way you read it might have been confusing. i'll try to clean that up in the edit. 

(10-02-2014, 10:57 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  

(10-02-2014, 06:59 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  

(10-02-2014, 01:22 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  i guess what i was trying to do there was reference the float's origins (authentic Japanese floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles) rather than the actual shape, which clearly would be a sphere after re-purposing by the glass shop but maybe that isn't clear enough. food for thought!
and thank you for the ideas about the title, much appreciated.

"floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles"
Oh! Didn't know that. I stand corrected.

well to be fair, the way you read it might have been confusing. i'll try to clean that up in the edit. 

Were that life, could be cleaned up in the edit.
Or, maybe, that's what death's for.

(10-02-2014, 11:46 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  

(10-02-2014, 10:57 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  

(10-02-2014, 06:59 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  
"floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles"
Oh! Didn't know that. I stand corrected.

well to be fair, the way you read it might have been confusing. i'll try to clean that up in the edit. 

Were that life, could be cleaned up in the edit.
Or, maybe, that's what death's for.

YOU ARE THE GOD OF FOOD!!

i just really really wanted to say that. and since this is my thread, i do what i want 

but seriously, your original comment made me look at that strophe differently. thank you for that.

(10-02-2014, 12:17 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  

(10-02-2014, 11:46 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  

(10-02-2014, 10:57 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  well to be fair, the way you read it might have been confusing. i'll try to clean that up in the edit. 

Were that life, could be cleaned up in the edit.
Or, maybe, that's what death's for.

YOU ARE THE GOD OF FOOD!!

i just really really wanted to say that. and since this is my thread, i do what i want 

but seriously, your original comment made me look at that strophe differently. thank you for that.

Ah! I live for that praise.
I like to think my cats revere me as such.
(Though, technically, the more accurate translation is: "The F'ing servant is late with our food, again.")

i feel like i've read this before. mmm; like a mule i read all the glass to and fro's and have no problem as far as glass goes, apart from a couple of your replies. i have seen glass fishing flouts and they're almost round but,and this is a big but there's no connection with celadon and glass. celadon is pottery with a green glaze and their saki bottles can be round with a very small neck for the cork to fit. i see nowhere in the poem where you mentioned the celadon was glass so celadon works well for me. the title while obvious in connection to the poem works well enough to stay. i enjoyed the poem and the friendly sarcasm at the end. so just a few nits for me.

(10-01-2014, 01:41 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  beachcombing*

At high tide, the sea spews forth
green foam and glass fishing floats.how many because i'd have thought more than one or two unusual. would and a glass f... give a clearer image? the the open couplet starts with the poem off well
 
We wait for the waters to recede,
tiptoe around anemones and crabs
until I spot a small celadon orb. a suggestion would be [where] [until] gives an an impression you were looking for something specific.
 
She says it belongs to a Japanese goddess,
her eyes plucked out by a vengeful lover
and cast into the deep.
 
I see nothing more
than a recycled old sake bottle
etched with sand and netting patterns. this is where the confusion with glass lies, if you put this together with the glass floats you come up with glass float, in truth while both serve the same purpose they are very different. floats but different materials.
 
Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye. great down to earth finish,



*not really tied to the title, in fact i hate it but can't think of anything better. suggestions?

(10-02-2014, 03:04 PM)billy Wrote:  i feel like i've read this before. mmm; like a mule i read all the glass to and fro's and have no problem as far as glass goes, apart from a couple of your replies. i have seen glass fishing flouts and they're almost round but,and this is a big but there's no connection with celadon and glass. celadon is pottery with a green glaze and their saki bottles can be round with a very small neck for the cork to fit. i see nowhere in the poem where you mentioned the celadon was glass so celadon works well for me. the title while obvious in connection to the poem works well enough to stay. i enjoyed the poem and the friendly sarcasm at the end.  so just a few nits for me.

(10-01-2014, 01:41 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  beachcombing*

At high tide, the sea spews forth
green foam and glass fishing floats.how many because i'd have thought more than one or two unusual. would and a glass f... give a clearer image? the the open couplet starts with the poem off well
 
We wait for the waters to recede,
tiptoe around anemones and crabs
until I spot a small celadon orb. a suggestion would be [where] [until] gives an an impression you were looking for something specific.
 
She says it belongs to a Japanese goddess,
her eyes plucked out by a vengeful lover
and cast into the deep.
 
I see nothing more
than a recycled old sake bottle
etched with sand and netting patterns. this is where the confusion with glass lies, if you put this together with the glass floats you come up with glass float, in truth while both serve the same purpose they are very different. floats but different materials.  
 
Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye. great down to earth finish,



*not really tied to the title, in fact i hate it but can't think of anything better. suggestions?

ugh. you're right. i was using celadon as a color reference but i can see now that that is a mistake. and i should know better, i own a few pieces of said pottery! shameful...

great suggestions. i'll try to clear these points up in the edit. 

thanks billy!

edit posted. think i'll keep the title as is for now, it's kinda growin on me...

much clearer now though i do miss the celadon bottle image. and i do like spews forth.

I have grown to like the title -- and the poem -- for its solid metaphor.
Generalizing 'breachcoming' to 'searching' then applying that to the couple
-- to the reader as well -- learning about their relationship. Maybe we're
seeing the man learning about the woman, maybe it's an older relationship.
Observing the couple's differences, where on the range from toleration,
to acceptance, to admiration do these fall (I'd say admiration).  All that
good stuff adds interest to a visually beautiful poem.


One last thing:
Do you want that goddess possessive to be goddess' or goddess's ?
The first is much more common nowadays.  While the other isn't wrong,
it may distract some readers who think it is.

(10-03-2014, 05:16 PM)billy Wrote:  much clearer now though i do miss the celadon bottle image. and i do like spews forth.

thanks billy. i miss the celadon as well but ever since you mentioned it, i just can't use it. so thanks for ruining that for me!! i jest, i'm glad you pointed it out, don't need any stumbling blocks here. 

my other workshop group was split on "spews forth" as well...just too borderline cliche i think.