< remedial measures for diseased poultry >
                                           
                                and even then you touch above my belly    
                                run your self down there  
                                     
                                (between)  
                                     
                                this spark of spring      
                                whose gentle hammer plays our heads    
                                and switches us to major chords    
                                that bind our thoughts      
                                to all this greening growth    
                                you say me with your mouth      
                                and mine with yours    
                                and promises they die so splendidly    
                                how slight our light breath moves    
                                across these leaves        
   
                                                - - -  

So, I initially read this as:

< remedial measures for diseased poetry >

and I figured I might as well run with that. To that end:


and even then you touch yourself like billy
rub your self down there

(and teens)

...will spark up spring
loaded hammers drumming foreheads
binding us with maudlin cords
with blinded thoughts
of all this greening growth
you slay me with your moth
and mine with yawns
in promises to die so splendidly
how little your ass moves
across this couch

And yes, yours was ethereal and timeless. That's not even me being ironic for a change -- the last two lines speak of the fragility of life in a very powerful way.

Ray-dee-Oh,

Nice love poem. Maybe some ellipses before the "and" on L1.

This is an odd little line, is it a typo, or did you mean to do that.

"you say me with your mouth
and mine with yours"

It's a fun twist. I'd leave it.

dale

(09-30-2014, 01:01 PM)Leanne Wrote:  So, I initially read this as:

< remedial measures for diseased poetry >
                                         
and I figured I might as well run with that.  To that end:


                               and even then you touch yourself like billy   <-  
                               rub your self down there    <-
                                   
                               (and teens)     <-
                                   
                               ...will spark up spring      
                               loaded hammers drumming foreheads  
                               binding us with maudlin cords    
                               with blinded thoughts      
                               of all this greening growth    
                               you slay me with your moth       <-  
                               and mine with yawns      <-
                               in promises to die so splendidly    
                               how little your ass moves
                               across this couch

(09-30-2014, 01:02 PM)Leanne Wrote:  And yes, yours was ethereal and timeless.  That's not even me being ironic for a change -- the last two lines speak of the fragility of life in a very powerful way.

"Your praise made my heart flutter," he said so truthfully that only a truism would do.
But, he added unironically, "I'm experiencing that wonderful feeling you get when
praised by someone who knows what the fuck they are doing".
Ray

P.S. Though, I have to add, I'm not surprised you found your way here.
The attracting power of niobium superconducting magnets is minuscule
when compared to your attraction to a title promising 'diseased poultry'.

(09-30-2014, 04:41 PM)Erthona Wrote:  Ray-dee-Oh,

Nice love poem. Maybe some ellipses before the "and" on L1.

This is an odd little line, is it a typo, or did you mean to do that.

"you say me with your mouth      
and mine with yours"

It's a fun twist. I'd leave it.

dale

Though I hate having more than zero ellipses in a poem,
I rose above my principles and included one.  And now, just for you,
I've committed this sin twice. Next you're going to ask me to capitalize
the beginnings and endings of each line.

And yes, totally intentional. "I am consumed by your love." "I am yours." etc.
The full passion of love induces a dissociative state where transformations
from symbolic to real are particularly easy. Sexual organs are often used as
metaphors for the whole. And there's the usual bit of double entendre going
on as well.

Arrg! The ellipses. They drove me elliptically epileptic. Took them all out.
Some sort of compromise. Thank you for jolting me back to my senses.