A Letter--Just listen to the audio???
#1
Hey, all--I actually need some feedback here. Skip the txt and just listen to the audio, if you would. Thanks!

Audio of me performing the piece, which is meant as a monologue:

https://soundcloud.com/christopher-youngblood/a-letter


A Letter

Dear Jane May Cynthia Marie Aster,
 
Everybody dies. Best wishes,

Raymond Hecht
 
P.S. I know this great spot to get ideas. It’s on a hill under a tree looking down on Werner Lake, which isn’t important but I thought I’d do some scene-setting for you. Anyway. It’s my good-idea spot, and I went there today because our date was good and I don’t know what to do with that, and I wanted to get a good idea about it, but there was a couple there, just my luck, a couple in my spot. Any ordinary person would’ve taken it as a sign and gone home, but I couldn’t figure out what it was a sign for. I needed a good idea about it, I needed my hill. But they were on my hill. So I decided to wait them out. But they just sat there. I guess they were waiting for the sun to go down. They were waiting for the sun to go down. But they weren’t saying anything at all, just sitting there like the devil told them to, because he hates me. So, the sun went down and the guy lights a candle, hooray for love, and I hear a cork pop. They were going to drink something with a cork. Something cork-worthy, and that meant who knows how much longer they’d be there. I felt like a creep, watching them like I cared about it at all. Except maybe it was a sign. It’s not like I wanted to see some action, I just wanted my spot so I could figure out why they were in my spot, which is ironic, I know. All the more reason I needed my spot. But they didn’t go anywhere. And I walked up to them, to ask if I could have my spot, and they got scared and I had to leave. That’s not important. But while I was standing there, for those brief, terrible seconds, I remembered: I found this little golden pill on my computer desk a couple of weeks ago. It looked like vitamin E but it was too small to be vitamin E, but I thought maybe it was that or something else I was supposed to take and that that’s why I left it there to begin with. So I thought, I kept on leaving it there for no reason, but maybe this was the reason. On my way home, I was really wishing I could have my spot so I could think about it. But I didn’t. But that’s not important. So I got home, and I went to my desk, and I took this little golden pill and I sat there at my desk, waiting for it to do something. I thought my spot was telling me that this was an idea pill, given to me by way of apology for my spot being occupied. I took it with water. Which probably isn’t important. I’ll think about it later. Anyway. I took this pill and I wrote that letter and this is all to explain why I wrote you this little morbid note for no reason after a first date. But I’m compelled to send it because forces beyond my control have conspired to convince me that I’m supposed to. Please don’t think I’m weird, though I’m very aware that this is the wrong letter for that statement. I don’t know why I’m supposed to tell you that everyone dies. I know that it’s medical fact, but I don’t know why I’m . . . No, even after ellipsis, I’m still in the dark about it. Everybody dies. Everybody dies. Everybody dies. Everybody dies! There, I wrote it with an exclamation mark. Everybody dies! I’m going to get out my ukulele and write a song about everybody dies because a little golden pill made me do it, and I guess I am a little weird. But I have to send this letter and I don’t know why and please . . . I need my spot. Please never talk to me again. Burn this and never talk to me again. Or just delete it since it’s an email. I’m going to my spot in my mind, looking down at my lake under my little tree, feeling the breeze rise up from the water, listening to the leaves . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I am not a man of math or science, but I know that there are some certainties in life. Everybody dies. But some do it after rolling down a hill and into a lake and thinking this is more than water and sheltered in platitudes we go home without ever really loving anybody in particular wherefore we may believe it better to be our own masters and not simply bound to the horses of chariots of which we have no control and in such manner as we do not vacate the premises we signal that there is some significance to life and striking matches we go holding our candles into the wind refusing to set fires and saying that I know glory and how great we are matters not at all in the grand scheme of things in which somebody may spot us being in love and come upon us naked and be suddenly afraid and run and trip and roll down a hill into the water and driving home soaked wish that somebody . . . somebody in the great new baptized world would understand what it meant and knock on my face and put my clothes in the dryer because what does it mean if I’m afraid of people in love but that I need it and there is some significance to life human pinballs wouldn’t need to dream of Arizona human pinballs wouldn’t stop on a dime and keep spinning while they reflect blue opium sunsets to people they want to smile at and I let go of the reigns and the horses refuse to vacate the premises and I will not whistle to them to take me where I do not want to go to the laundromat on South Hampton when north of the world the sun casts a shadow which could eat the world and me with it but I sit and they light the candle again and it’s so fantastic that I want to smile at someone who isn’t even here and I wish that you were. And I know we only went out once, but it was so great, you have five names and said you wished Mel Torme would’ve make a vampire flick and you have webbed feet and . . . I’m not crazy, I’m just . . . I am. But maybe I’m as crazy as you are. Or vice versa. And sometimes I’m a little weird. Wink, wink. Not that I’m saying weird trumps crazy. I’d put my name again, but this is still the P.S. Sleep tight.  
A yak is normal.
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#2
bump--need some feedback
A yak is normal.
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#3
And I walked up to them, to ask if I could have my spot, and they got scared and I had to leave.

i bet they got scared Hysterical

i have to say on reading it i wasn't overly impressed but the oration lifted it much higher. apart from a few deep breaths it was an excellent read. you made a couple of mistakes as far as the sync between voice and text went but on the whole i enjoyed it.

oh

you're a very sick person Hysterical
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#4
Sorry, crow, no sound during the day, I'll mark it so that I get back to it later.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#5
Thank, billy! And ellajam, thanks in advance!
A yak is normal.
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#6
I did as instructed and only listened. Excellent delivery. Looked at the script afterwards
and it's what you expect from a script. Print is expected to be there waiting for you (that's
mostly what we do here). A script can be utter crap (not that yours is) and a good actor
can make it diamond. Of course yours needs rework/editing to make it what you'd want.

One suggestion I can give you is to take out all words, phrases, etc. that have anything
to do with 'crazy', 'weird', etc. You deliver it sincerely, that's your strength; but don't overtly
self-evaluate, keep that implied, not mentioned. The golden pill is so-so. The mentioned
names are great.

This:
"and striking matches we go holding our candles into the wind refusing to set fires and saying that I know glory and how great we are matters not at all in the grand scheme of things in which somebody may spot us being in love and come upon us naked and be suddenly afraid and run and trip and roll down a hill into the water and driving home soaked wish that somebody . . . somebody in the great new baptized world would understand what it meant and knock on my face and put my clothes in the dryer because what does it mean if I’m afraid of people in love but that I need it and there is some significance to life human pinballs wouldn’t need to dream of Arizona human pinballs wouldn’t stop on a dime and keep spinning while they reflect blue opium sunsets to people they want to smile at and I let go of the reigns and the horses refuse to vacate the premises and I will not whistle to them to take me where I do not want to go to the laundromat on South Hampton when north of the world the sun casts a shadow which could eat the world and me with it but I sit and they light the candle again"

is one of the best parts. But then I love breathless run-on poems
that are more audible than readable. My liking it will not buy
you coffee, or even the plastic cup, but maybe it will provide a
sharp jab of pleasure. Smile
Ray  

P.S. In your script I read:
"and trip and roll down a hill into the water"

I was wondering if you ever saw a film by Robert Bresson
called 'Mouchette'?

"Initially, Mouchette’s rolling down the hill appears to be no more than a little game
she’s invented, perhaps a way to sully the dress given to her by her mother. She ascends
the hill, wraps herself in the dress again and rolls down the hill towards the river with
the sound of her body and clogs banging down the hill. This results in her being tangled
in some shrubbery alongside the river. On the third trip down the hill Bresson follows
Mouchette with the camera, panning to a certain point and then stopping to allow her to
leave the frame. We hear a splash off-screen which Bresson cuts to a moderately high-angled
shot of the water rippling and Mouchette’s muslin dress caught in the brush. We expect her
to re-emerge from the murky water, but she never does."
                                                                                                                a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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#7
If you really care about this girl, do not send this to her...yet.

Peaked at 6 minutes. Well done there.

But you actually shouldn't listen to anything I say. 
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#8
(09-30-2014, 02:21 PM)maximumjake Wrote:  If you really care about this girl, do not send this to her...yet.

And He commanded us to preach unto the people, and to testify that it is He
who was ordained by God to be the Judge of the quick and dead. - Acts 10:42



(09-30-2014, 02:21 PM)maximumjake Wrote:  Peaked at 6 minutes. Well done there.

Attention span is


(09-30-2014, 02:21 PM)maximumjake Wrote:  But you actually shouldn't listen to anything I say.
 
Existential moments in history + 1

                                                                                                                a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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#9
crow,

Sounds like Matthew Broderick does NPR. At times when you spoke quickly, you would not enunciate well. I think if you are going to do a first person narrative you need to give it more substance and less repetition. Too many obvious cliches. Just because this is more a narrative than a poem doesn't mean a lower standard is OK, you still need fresh language.

"forces beyond my control have conspired to... "
"in the grand scheme of things"

A little rambling is fine if done well. The sentence that starts with "But some do it after rolling down a hill and into a lake..." isn't. In fact, that was about where I started losing interest while listening to this.

"but I sit and they light the candle again and it’s so fantastic..." I thought he had gone home?!

As a written work, this lacks enough substance to support all the rambling. To use a cliche (you did so I guess I can also), it collapses under its own weight.

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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