Edit 1

They've been waiting too long,
flightless in the departure lounge
emotions sat on, strapped shut,
so tired, too tired,
sickness pills took.

With arms strong enough for two she peels him from bed sore sheets,
his head rests heavy cheeked on her breast,
lips roll over the gum line,
night-shirt slips ghostly over a wasted shoulder,
legs hang limp trying to stand.

She pulls him in,
tighter than bound feet
distorting just the same,
keeps repeating his name as their waltz
slows to a shudder.

Original
They've been waiting too long, 
flightless in the departure lounge
emotions sat on, strapped shut,
duty free drank, sickness pills took.

With arms that could hold up the house
she peels him from the sheets,
his head rests heavy cheeked on her breast,
lips pushed over the gum line,
night-shirt slips ghostly over a wasted shoulder,
legs hang limp trying to stand.

She pulls him in tighter than bound feet
distorting just the same,
keeps repeating his name as their tango
slows to a waltz.

cool . . .

give me some time on this one . . .

(Fwiw, I don't think a tango could ever slow to a waltz. It could slow to a lots of other things, though.)

First pass:

Read for basic sense:

Last Dance
--a last dance is what happens before you go home or before a break-up

They've been waiting too long,
--purgatory?
flightless in the departure lounge
--isn't flightless understood?
--why no punctuation?
emotions sat on strapped shut
duty free drank sickness pills took.
--almost impossible to parse.
----maybe "emotions" are creating sea sickness?

With arms that could hold up the house
--nonsensical unless arms are guns
----if so, the house is likely a gambling establishment
she peels him from the sheets,
--sheets is the key word, here
his head rests heavy cheeked on her breast,
--a baby?
lips pushed over the gum line,
--???
night-shirt slips ghostly over a wasted shoulder,
--why the sudden hyphen? They've been excluded to now
--"wasted"???
legs hang limp trying to stand.
--a horse?

She pulls him in tighter than bound feet
--???
distorting just the same,
--bound feet distort by being kept small?
keeps repeating his name as their tango
--tango??? The dance of passion?
slows to a waltz.
--waltz, the dance of civilization?

In my proof, I'm going to add all the correct punctuation to see if meaning emerges.

Proofread:

[Last Dance]

They've been waiting too long,
flightless in the departure lounge,
emotions sat on strapped-shut
duty-free--drank, sickness pills [taken].

With arms that could hold up the house,
she peels him from the sheets.
His head rests heavy-cheeked upon her breast,
lips pushed up over the gum line,
night-shirt slipping ghostly over a wasted shoulder, and
legs hang limp trying to stand.

She pulls him in, tighter than bound feet [a poem?],
distorting just the same,
she keeps repeating his name as their tango
slows to a waltz.

Copy Edit:
They've been waiting too long,
--the wait is causing damage
flightless in the departure lounge
--I think this whole line is understood
----that is, the following loses nothing but gains some:
------They've been waiting too long
------watching other planes fly off
emotions sat on strapped shut
--I'm having trouble justifying "sat"
----why not "emotions weigh on closed"?
duty free drank sickness pills took.
--what's a duty-free sickness pill?

With arms that could hold up the house
she peels him from the sheets,
his head rests heavy cheeked on her breast,
lips pushed over the gum line,
night-shirt slips ghostly over a wasted shoulder,
legs hang limp trying to stand.
--is this an animal? The alternative seems to be that a woman delivered her own baby . . .

She pulls him in tighter than bound feet
--"in" is almost certainly redundant
distorting just the same,
keeps repeating his name as their tango
slows to a waltz.

--I'm lost. I give up hahaha

MACRO
Oh . . .
Is this about a spider?

(09-25-2014, 05:02 PM)crow Wrote:  First pass:

Read for basic sense:

Last Dance
--a last dance is what happens before you go home or before a break-up

They've been waiting too long,
--purgatory?
flightless in the departure lounge
--isn't flightless understood?
--why no punctuation?
emotions sat on strapped shut
duty free drank sickness pills took.
--almost impossible to parse.
----maybe "emotions" are creating sea sickness?

With arms that could hold up the house
--nonsensical unless arms are guns
----if so, the house is likely a gambling establishment
she peels him from the sheets,
--sheets is the key word, here
his head rests heavy cheeked on her breast,
--a baby?
lips pushed over the gum line,
--???
night-shirt slips ghostly over a wasted shoulder,
--why the sudden hyphen? They've been excluded to now
--"wasted"???
legs hang limp trying to stand.
--a horse?

She pulls him in tighter than bound feet
--???
distorting just the same,
--bound feet distort by being kept small?
keeps repeating his name as their tango
--tango??? The dance of passion?
slows to a waltz.
--waltz, the dance of civilization?

In my proof, I'm going to add all the correct punctuation to see if meaning emerges.

Proofread:

[Last Dance]

They've been waiting too long,
flightless in the departure lounge,
emotions sat on strapped-shut
duty-free--drank, sickness pills [taken].

With arms that could hold up the house,
she peels him from the sheets.
His head rests heavy-cheeked upon her breast,
lips pushed up over the gum line,
night-shirt slipping ghostly over a wasted shoulder, and
legs hang limp trying to stand.

She pulls him in, tighter than bound feet [a poem?],
distorting just the same,
she keeps repeating his name as their tango
slows to a waltz.

Copy Edit:
They've been waiting too long,
--the wait is causing damage
flightless in the departure lounge
--I think this whole line is understood
----that is, the following loses nothing but gains some:
------They've been waiting too long
------watching other planes fly off
emotions sat on strapped shut
--I'm having trouble justifying "sat"
----why not "emotions weigh on closed"?
duty free drank sickness pills took.
--what's a duty-free sickness pill?

With arms that could hold up the house
she peels him from the sheets,
his head rests heavy cheeked on her breast,
lips pushed over the gum line,
night-shirt slips ghostly over a wasted shoulder,
legs hang limp trying to stand.
--is this an animal? The alternative seems to be that a woman delivered her own baby . . .

She pulls him in tighter than bound feet
--"in" is almost certainly redundant
distorting just the same,
keeps repeating his name as their tango
slows to a waltz.

--I'm lost. I give up hahaha

MACRO
Oh . . .
Is this about a spider?

Crow, you are very kind and have done me proud here, I don't deserve it. I fear I have once again forgot that the reader doesn't know what I'm thinking. I wouldn't normally try to explain but since your feedback was so well structured in an attempt to see through my word jungle, I feel it is the least I can do to try and explain myself. I will start a new post below, Thanks again for the effort you have put in. Best Keith

Hi again Crow, I have tried to explain were I was trying to take this one, clearly a lot got lost in translation, maybe t could be fixed in the first Stanza, I will give it a try. Best Keith


They've been waiting too long,
flightless in the departure lounge,
emotions sat on, strapped shut
duty free drank, sickness pills took.

I was trying to say that someone who is very ill has been suffering too long.

With arms that could hold up the house
she peels him from the sheets,
his head rests heavy cheeked on her breast,
lips pushed over the gum line,
night-shirt slips ghostly over a wasted shoulder,
legs hang limp trying to stand.

His wife, a big lady, picks up his wasted body and pulls him in close.

She pulls him in tighter than bound feet
distorting just the same,
keeps repeating his name as their tango
slows to a waltz.

She squeezes the life out of him.