Jupiter
eclipsed -
by a bat

Love it. Bright and dark at once. Do you need the dash?? I'm never sure.

or maybe


eclipsed
by a bat -
jupiter

Great snapshot of a moment! I think the line inversion works better.

(09-22-2014, 01:51 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  Jupiter
eclipsed -
by a bat

I love the small flyer blocking a whole planet. Not to bring up another discussion of metaphor in haiku, but a fine poem on perspective.

no suggestions for improvement as i like it as is. i'm guessing the bat is the seasonal word?

(09-22-2014, 01:51 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  Jupiter
eclipsed -
by a bat

(09-22-2014, 01:51 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  Jupiter
eclipsed -
by a bat

I like the picture you paint.

Wonderful!
(Though maybe leave out the 'by' preposition for that authentic 'Japanese' feel.)  

P.S. 'bat' is a summer kigo: kakuidori  蚊喰鳥 - "bird that eats mosquitoes"

P.P.S. a baseball 'bat', like 'baseball', is a spring kigo

(09-22-2014, 01:58 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Love it. Bright and dark at once. Do you need the dash?? I'm never sure.

Thank you... Regarding the dash, I think it would still work without it. I'm using it to show the juxtaposition and I think it's in the right place for this haiku. First when I wrote haiku I never even knew about the dash and juxtaposition, then I used to put dashes in anywhere without really understanding where they should be and I'm still not 100% certain but it's getting better. 

Mark

(09-22-2014, 02:07 AM)Tamara Wrote:  or maybe


eclipsed
by a bat -
jupiter

Hi Tamara, I did think of using it the way that you've suggested and eventually decided for the way I used because of wanting to leave the last element to be discovered as a surprise, although I'm starting to prefer the way that you have suggested which does show the juxtaposition better.
Thanks,

Mark

(09-22-2014, 04:39 AM)just mercedes Wrote:  Great snapshot of a moment! I think the line inversion works better.

I think you are right about the inversion, I'm starting to see that it works better for the juxtaposition.
Thanks for reading,

Mark

(09-22-2014, 09:24 PM)ellajam Wrote:  

(09-22-2014, 01:51 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  Jupiter
eclipsed -
by a bat

I love the small flyer blocking a whole planet. Not to bring up another discussion of metaphor in haiku, but a fine poem on perspective.  

Any discussion about haiku is fine with me and of course any metaphors seen here were unitentionally intentional... I think???  

Thanks for the kind comments,
Mark

(09-23-2014, 02:45 AM)billy Wrote:  no suggestions for improvement as i like it as is. i'm guessing the bat is the seasonal word?

(09-22-2014, 01:51 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  Jupiter
eclipsed -
by a bat

Thanks Billy... 
I was hoping that bat would be seen as a summer kigo but I did check just to make sure and it can be used like that.

Cheers for reading,
Mark

(09-23-2014, 03:07 AM)Mwaba don Wrote:  

(09-22-2014, 01:51 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  Jupiter
eclipsed -
by a bat

I like the picture you paint.

Thank you, it is much appreciated.
Mark

(09-23-2014, 05:26 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  Wonderful!
(Though maybe leave out the 'by' preposition for that authentic 'Japanese' feel.)  

P.S. 'bat' is a summer kigo: kakuidori  蚊喰鳥 - "bird that eats mosquitoes"

P.P.S. a baseball 'bat', like 'baseball', is a spring kigo

Thank you...

You know I would never have thought of leaving out the 'by', but it works perfectly. I was considering 

eclipsed
by a bat -
jupiter

because it shows the juxtaposition better, but I also wanted to have 'bat' as the last word. But leaving out the 'by' covers both of those issues. It also makes it read less like a straight forward sentence which I prefer and it also kind of implies where the pause should be, I was reading it as Jupiter (pause) eclipsed by a bat... and now it will read with the pause where the dash is which makes more sense.
I thought I'd considered all possibilities so thanks for showing me the one that I missed, this will help for future haikus I'm sure.

ps - I was hoping that 'bat' would be a summer kigo and did check first to make sure, if it wasn't then my fallback was to use Jupiter because I presumed it would be either an Autumn or winter kigo, but then I found out it wasn't a kigo for any season 

Thanks again,
Mark