She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades.
Slowly I become attractively restless
as my fear of expression wanes.
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty.
I cannot afford to darkle,
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer.
She is so beautiful and feminine
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance

(09-21-2014, 02:09 AM)zahrakh Wrote:  

(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote:  She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades. (nice starting line. sparkle sounds cliche and not pretty strong)
Slowly I become attractively restless
as my fear of expression fades. ( is repetetion of fades intentional here? And attractively restless? I don't get what it means.)

I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty.
I cannot afford to darkle,
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer. (Nice stanza. Check for cliche though)

She is so beautiful and feminine (She must be but couldn't you use some other expressions to show us how beautiful and feminine she is?)
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance ( nice ending)

I like this poem, you have captured a beautiful moment nicely but can be enhanced by furthur editing.

I deleted the above post in error, this is the best I can do at restoring it. Apologies, ella

(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote:  She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades.
Slowly I become attractively restless
as my fear of expression wanes.
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty. 
I cannot afford to darkle,
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer.
She is so beautiful and feminine
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance

You have captured the moment beautifully and it's very visual. Some good images here.

I did not get what you meant by 'attractively restless'. and why was there a fear of expression? nothing in the poem supports that  (except I cannot afford to darkle) which makes those two lines ambiguous. I personally wouldn't use upper case for perfect muse of dance. it might be better off as italics. You can trim down a few redundant words and lines to make it more effective. 

i was searching for ten minutes for mwaba don (i thought it was the title) if you had used a title it would have save me some time

the poem uses words like beauty and beautiful and they tell the reader little, how is she beautiful? these are very powerful words but without some kind of reference they mean very little. my dog is beautiful as well. so is a dandelion. degas painted ballet dancers, a common simile (which you don't want to use, would be
'she was a degas painting'

use something connected to beauty that most people can identify with.

basically the poem need more depth and less verbiage. [Slowly I become attractively restless]

(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote:  She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless, what style, is she a dancer?
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades.
Slowly I become attractively restless why
as my fear of expression wanes.
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty.
I cannot afford to darkle, what is [darkle]
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer. so she is a dancer; beauty and beautiful are two words that are better shown with a simile or metaphor
She is so beautiful and feminine another [beautiful]
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance

(09-21-2014, 03:04 PM)Tamara Wrote:  

(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote:  She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades.
Slowly I become attractively restless
as my fear of expression wanes.
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty. 
I cannot afford to darkle,
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer.
She is so beautiful and feminine
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance
You have captured the moment beautifully and it's very visual. Some good images here.
I did not get what you meant by 'attractively restless'. and why was there a fear of expression? nothing in the poem supports that  (except I cannot afford to darkle) which makes those two lines ambiguous. I personally wouldn't use upper case for perfect muse of dance. it might be better off as italics. You can trim down a few redundant words and lines to make it more effective. 

Why the fear of expression? because sometimes in an audience where you have a dancer on stage one tends to hold back emotions on how they feel,  like clapping or screaming for example. Attractively restless, because your sense of attraction increases for the dancer than what you control your self to. That is beyond self control.

(09-21-2014, 03:04 PM)Tamara Wrote:  

(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote:  She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades.
Slowly I become attractively restless
as my fear of expression wanes.
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty. 
I cannot afford to darkle,
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer.
She is so beautiful and feminine
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance

You have captured the moment beautifully and it's very visual. Some good images here.

I did not get what you meant by 'attractively restless'. and why was there a fear of expression? nothing in the poem supports that  (except I cannot afford to darkle) which makes those two lines ambiguous. I personally wouldn't use upper case for perfect muse of dance. it might be better off as italics. You can trim down a few redundant words and lines to make it more effective. 

Why the fear of expression? because sometimes in an audience where you have a dancer on stage one tends to hold back emotions on how they feel,  like clapping or screaming for example. Attractively restless, because your sense of attraction increases for the dancer than what you control your self to. That is beyond self control.

(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote:  She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades.
Slowly I become attractively restless
as my fear of expression wanes.
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty.
I cannot afford to darkle,
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer.
She is so beautiful and feminine
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance

Why the fear of expression? because sometimes in an audience where you have a dancer on stage one tends to hold back emotions on how they feel,  like clapping or screaming for example. Attractively restless, because your sense of attraction increases for the dancer than what you control your self to. That is beyond self control.

(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote:  She moves fluidly on a circular stage. 
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades. (I like the near-rhyme of stage and fades)
Slowly I become attractively restless (This is an awkward line for me - not sure what "attractively restless" refers to)
as my fear of expression wanes. (again, not sure of meaning)
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty.
I cannot afford to darkle,
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer.
She is so beautiful and feminine (maybe describe her in some other way, such as by comparing her to something else that is beautiful and feminine)
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance, (again, awkward for me - "masculine execution" is a mouthful)
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance


Just comments - hope they help.  I like the idea that I think you are trying to express, and believe some minor tinkering could help a lot.  Since you are describing a graceful ballerina, I wonder how it would be if the meter were a bit more "graceful" as well?  This could serve the purpose of reflecting her own grace in your writing.  Thanks for posting this!

I think the first three lines sound quite good, but after that the rhythm does not flow so well. I have the feeling that you try to create an attractive female dancer, but i think you use too many "beauty". Perhaps focus more on the audiences in the poet may help readers to follow, and that might help to describe her attractiveness without using direct words.

(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote:  She moves fluidly on a circular stage. I'm not sure if this is the intent, but a circular stage to me implies more of a strip club dancer than a ballet dancer, but that doesn't fit the rest of the poem.
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades.
Slowly I become attractively restless Even with the explanation, this doesn't seem to translate right for me. I'm picturing the viewer fidgetting in such a way that makes him attractive?
as my fear of expression wanes.
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty.
I cannot afford to darkle, I had to look this word up. Seems like a stretch to rhyme with sparkle, even though the poem is not a rhyme. Maybe replace with a simpler word like lose.
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer.
She is so beautiful and feminine
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance

Overall, I like the imagry of everything fading into the darkness as the viewer is captivated by the dancer.

Very nice poem but I would like to hear more! It can be expanded to discuss the movements in more detail and your feelings that mirror those movements and you can go into the superficiality of this infatuation or is this am intimate partner? Please expand and clarify your thoughts.

(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote:  She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades.
Slowly I become attractively restless             if you wrote "attracted restlessly" it would make sense to me
as my fear of expression wanes.
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty.     "moment" and "moving" is sort of contradictory
I cannot afford to darkle,                        don´t know the meaning of that word
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer. <- if you leave out the word "beautiful" in this line, then the next line has more weight
She is so beautiful and feminine                         
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,   I would leave your perspective and write something like " yet she masculinely executes her dance", otherwise i feel  a little dragged away from this image you create
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance   

greetings,

(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote:  She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades. I dig this line. Is this the moment the lights dim and all eyes are on the dancer?
Slowly I become attractively restless I also didn't get this
as my fear of expression wanes. Or this fear/expression
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty.
I cannot afford to darkle,
So I hold my breath to soundly I also don't get soundly ( maybe that'd just me) watch the beautiful dancer.
She is so beautiful and feminine
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance maybe cut out in dance at the end. Its already clear she's dancing. 

 Okay here's some notes from a critiquing nube.As others have said, you are capturing a moment full of sensory possibilities. I say possibilities because this poem is rife with opportunity for imagery that really brings us there with the audience of the dancer. Also as others have said , I would refrain from using the same words so close together. 
Also maybe this was just me but the end almost felt rushed. Anyway I dig this and am excited to see where this goes. ThAnks   

(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote:  She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades.
Slowly I become attractively restless
as my fear of expression wanes.
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty.
I cannot afford to darkle,
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer.
She is so beautiful and feminine
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance

You seem to be making progress poetically. I had a few issues with this one:

She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless, I like the brevity of this line
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades. I think you should replace sparkle with another suitable word
Slowly I become attractively restless The attention suddenly turns to you? If you are going to do that, express it in language that is less confusing.
as my fear of expression wanes. expressing what? your attraction to the dancer and her beauty? Be clearer.
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty. I think you can re word this line and make it shorter and more expressive.
I cannot afford to darkle, This word made me Lol, interesting...
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer. I don't think the word 'soundly' fits here...
She is so beautiful and feminine this is cliched
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance, I don't think this line is nesscary and it draws my attention away from the dancer.
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance

Azure

(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote:  She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades. This is my favorite line
Slowly I become attractively restless attractively restless sounds off. May want to rephrase.
as my fear of expression wanes.
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty. the concept in itself isn't flawed, it just inset being expressed as effectively as it could be
I cannot afford to darkle, first time I've seen someone use "darkle"
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer.
She is so beautiful and feminine how? Elaborate please
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance

I wasn't very moved by this one. I see some potential in that you're trying to paint a picture, which is an important step. Go a little deeper, beyond the superficial and mundane. Take us somewhere.