Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied.
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside;
watch as he falls.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried.
Death dealt by demons, holy men all,
whose merciless gods walk by their side.
Face to the wall.

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too.
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn,
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn.

tectak
2014

the only nit i have is the first line which is oft deemed the most important. i can't make it work unless i add a comma or semi colon, unusually it's a very important one.

other than that i'd like to know why/how the crow/others will be reborn

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied.
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls, good image, i can see the gun firing at it on the rise.
blooding black feather, searing inside;
watch as he falls.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried.
Death dealt by demons, holy men all,
whose merciless gods walk by their side.
Face to the wall.

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too.
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn,
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn.

tectak
2014

(08-23-2014, 06:50 PM)billy Wrote:  the only nit i have is the first line which is oft deemed the most important. i can't make it work unless i add a comma or semi colon, unusually it's a very important one.

other than that i'd like to know why/how the crow/others will be reborn

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied.
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls, good image, i can see the gun firing at it on the rise.
blooding black feather, searing inside;
watch as he falls.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried.
Death dealt by demons, holy men all,
whose merciless gods walk by their side.
Face to the wall.

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too.
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn,
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn.

tectak
2014

Hi billy,
will adjust the punctuation. Reborn? More repeated, really. Dead crows look alike to men, dead men look alike to crows. That's all.
Best and thanks,
Tectak

A rhythmic poem, quite dark and moving.

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied. I especially like this first line, brings the reader right in
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside; There's something off here about blooding black feather... blooding black doesn't evoke any strong images in me
watch as he falls.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried. I like the repetition of "look to..." and basically the repetition of all three stanzas
Death dealt by demons, holy men all,
whose merciless gods walk by their side.
Face to the wall.

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too.
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn, silence the dawn is my favorite line
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn.

tectak
2014

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied. <- reminds me of WW1,  the men hanging on the barbed wire out in no-man's-land / good intention!
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside; <-'blooding',  'searing inside' -- hyperbole
watch as he falls.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried. <- 'hollow and dried' as well

and the rest... Lord Byron can get away with this, so can Monty Python (dead parrot sketch),
but it doesn't work with 'reasonable' verse. Additional modifiers, especially extreme ones,
backfire; it's the 'crying wolf' principle. The reader's senses are numbed and when you really
need to be extreme, it falls flat.

Death dealt by demons, holy men all,
whose merciless gods walk by their side.
Face to the wall.

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too.
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn,
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn.

tectak
2014

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied.
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside;
watch as he falls.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried.
Death dealt by demons, holy men all,
whose merciless gods walk by their side. (do you need a period here)
Face to the wall.

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too.
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn,
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn.

tectak
2014

It is a disciplined write and I wonder whether the 13,9,9,4 syllable counts in the stanzas pertain to any specific form. It's dark there is a kind of starkness in it and I like the metaphor.

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied.
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside;
watch as he falls.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried.
Death dealt by demons, holy men all,
whose merciless gods walk by their side.
Face to the wall.

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too.
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn,              
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn.                             

tectak
2014

love the images.
it somehow reminds me of a certain folk song. the last two lines, however, give it a different message. which of course I am unsure about (again, it´s getting embarrassing).
 is it that the reader should consider that he might be reincarnated to whatever pitiful existence? I suppose there´s something else.

Loved it - esp the loose structure and great imagery.
Not sure about the last line - how is dying for your secret beliefs a rebirth?
Super job
Paul

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied. -- I might write "at" instead of "to."
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside;
watch as he falls.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried. --- Seems to be about a lynching victim, or another hung person, whose been hanging awhile.
Death dealt by demons, holy men all, -Demon might run the risk of weighing the poem down with suggestions about morality. "dealt" could also be a better word and "death" may be represented in a more concrete way.
whose merciless gods walk by their side. -- Same goes for merciless that applied to demons, but I feel it is less laden than demons, that could be an idiosyncrasy though.
Face to the wall. --- Seems to be a reference to the wailing wall.


Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too. -- Again, maybe "at" instead of "to"
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn,
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn. -- I actually kind of like that this line doesn't rhyme. The salience level goes up, so to speak.


tectak
2014

I feel this poem could be made better by adding a sort of matter-of-factness to it. Interesting choice for the scheme though. Thanks for posting.

(11-28-2014, 03:24 PM)Brownlie Wrote:  

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied. -- I might write "at" instead of "to."
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside;
watch as he falls.
Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried. --- Seems to be about a lynching victim, or another hung person, whose been hanging awhile.
Death dealt by demons, holy men all, -Demon might run the risk of weighing the poem down with suggestions about morality. "dealt" could also be a better word and "death" may be represented in a more concrete way.
whose merciless gods walk by their side. -- Same goes for merciless that applied to demons, but I feel it is less laden than demons, that could be an idiosyncrasy though.
Face to the wall. --- Seems to be a reference to the wailing wall.

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too. -- Again, maybe "at" instead of "to"
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn,
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn. -- I actually kind of like that this line doesn't rhyme. The salience level goes up, so to speak.

tectak
2014

I feel this poem could be made better by adding a sort of matter-of-factness to it. Interesting choice for the scheme though. Thanks for posting.

Thanks, brownlie, for your considered crit. Your pivotal end comment may bring changes. I did, indeed, try to write this in a matter-of-fact way, it being an attempt to rationalise the prevalent attitude to death, as portrayed daily in the media, by making the metaphorical crow the symbol of an inconsequential death. Dead crows look alike to men...dead men look alike to (carrion) crows...and like indistinguishable man, one from the other, crows just keep on coming...each a pictorial reincarnation of another.
The value of life is daily diminished by reports of demonical religious fanaticism (that is kind. I could say "belief" and did so in the poem) and it appalls me that we are becoming case-hardened to this tendency in an almost progressive way. Dead men beheaded, blown up, or hung from trees are becoming as inconsequential as crows shot and hung on barbed wire.
The "face to the wall" is a common expression of lack of concern...turn (or look) the other way. That is all.
I don't want to explain the allegorical points in this too clearly because that way over complicates whatever simple message the reader can take away from the read. If that sound a little anal on my part it is because the piece was written on a contemporaneous whim and was clearer to me when I wrote it than it is now! The defence rests. Oh, and "dawn" rhymes with "born" where I come from!
Best,
tectak

(11-28-2014, 10:10 AM)paulcanuck Wrote:  Loved it - esp the loose structure and great imagery.
Not sure about the last line - how is dying for your secret beliefs a rebirth?
Super job
Paul

Thanks for this. See reply to brownlie. The allegorical intent is simply described but I can see how the last line deceives. I ask the question myself quite often...if we are absolved of all sin and sinful thoughts upon death, are we also permitted to shed whatever beliefs we may have held?

You see, reincarnation is a certainty in terms of "matter" as we live in a terrarium. That is to say, we are bodily reconstructed from units of unaging matter...it is only our memories which are lost and cannot be reconstructed from "base units" of thought.

So...we "croak" into blackness (die into nothingness), but are unopinionated...some may say unprogrammed...at birth (silence the dawn), and once born, we are a victim of our birthplace in terms of belief, culture and religion...so it is best we keep secret our beliefs in case we are reborn in to the wrong belief system!
As I am prone to say, I don't do complicated or obscure...so if it seems that way it is by accident or by cynical intent.
Best,
tectak

(11-26-2014, 01:43 AM)vagabond Wrote:  

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied.
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside;
watch as he falls.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried.
Death dealt by demons, holy men all,
whose merciless gods walk by their side.
Face to the wall.

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too.
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn,              
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn.                             

tectak
2014

love the images.
it somehow reminds me of a certain folk song. the last two lines, however, give it a different message. which of course I am unsure about (again, it´s getting embarrassing).
 is it that the reader should consider that he might be reincarnated to whatever pitiful existence? I suppose there´s something else.

Thank you for commenting. At the risk of repeating things could I direct you to my replies to other crits. You do, however, raise an interesting point which is probably more moot than my own intention. Not knowing the folk song, you do not divulge, I comment only on your words, "Is it that the reader....might be reincarnated to whatever pitiful existence...". Hmmm. I never intended to make social status "changes" from one life to the next of import ( if you stay with me on this for a moment) but I failed to note that it is not only man that is made of base elements, but also the bloody crow....so it is as likely that a bit of me once was a bit of a crow and vice-versa....in fact, it is almost certain and explains a lot!
Best,
tectak

(09-29-2014, 06:09 PM)Tamara Wrote:  

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied.
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside;
watch as he falls.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried.
Death dealt by demons, holy men all,
whose merciless gods walk by their side. (do you need a period here)
Face to the wall.

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too.
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn,
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn.

tectak
2014

It is a disciplined write and I wonder whether the 13,9,9,4 syllable counts in the stanzas pertain to any specific form. It's dark there is a kind of starkness in it and I like the metaphor.

Thank you , Tamara, for commenting. That period is vexacious...the answer is, I just don't know. What do you think. You do not say.
Syllable counting is for the birds. Unless you are talking strict meter then readability, out loud, is way more important than cold counting of syllables. So no, it has no known "form"...unles others know otherwise.
Best,
tectak

(09-29-2014, 10:51 AM)BenjaminShaw Wrote:  A rhythmic poem, quite dark and moving.

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied. I especially like this first line, brings the reader right in
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside; There's something off here about blooding black feather... blooding black doesn't evoke any strong images in me"blooding" is a verb.Go shoot a crow
watch as he falls.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried. I like the repetition of "look to..." and basically the repetition of all three stanzas
Death dealt by demons, holy men all,
whose merciless gods walk by their side.
Face to the wall.

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too.
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn, silence the dawn is my favorite line
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn.

tectak
2014

Thank you for your comments.
tectak

(09-29-2014, 01:46 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:  

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied. <- reminds me of WW1,  the men hanging on the barbed wire out in no-man's-land / good intention!
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside; <-'blooding',  'searing inside' -- hyperbole
watch as he falls.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried. <- 'hollow and dried' as well

and the rest... Lord Byron can get away with this, so can Monty Python (dead parrot sketch),
but it doesn't work with 'reasonable' verse.  Additional modifiers, especially extreme ones,
backfire; it's the 'crying wolf' principle. The reader's senses are numbed and when you really
need to be extreme, it falls flat.

Death dealt by demons, holy men all,
whose merciless gods walk by their side.
Face to the wall.

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too.
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn,
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn.

tectak
2014

Ray, you are a bastard and I thank you for it. Brings me back to earth with a sigh. Too much analysis causes paralysis. It is my petard.
Best,
tectak
Oh, and on cheese:
Cheese pleases me and seizes me with seasoning
like salt umami or origami
or should that be oregano
there's so much choix I just don't know
but Parmesan and  Livarot cause borborygmi and so
does Tom. Sliced up Edam, Port Salut, Emmenthal
and Danish Blue are fairly safe but Camembert,
or even Brie, will halitosify your day though
not as  lasting as a dry and very well warmed lactic chevre,
which hangs upon your  breath forever
faintly hinting of goat's udders.
Damn I can't think what the other
one is called...Oh yes, it's mozzarella.
Cheese. Say no more.
Say cheese.

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied.
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside;
watch as he falls.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried.
Death dealt by demons, holy men all,
whose merciless gods walk by their side.
Face to the wall.

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too.
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn,
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn.

tectak
2014

I like this very much. I enjoyed it's darkness and you kept that moodiness till the end but for me the term "reborn" is too positive an ending for such a dark piece. Obviously this would change the tittle and if you need it to be a comment on reincarnation that fair enough. I personally would like it left darker.. something like "to rot, as flesh is torn"... but that's just me..

Perhaps, with reborn, you didn't mean to convey a literal rebirth, in the traditional sense, but rather, re-purposed, like a the man whose life is forever changed by war,as if to imply the perpetual reenacting of the same war. You too shall succumb, as all those to follow.

"death dealt by demons,
holy men and all,
whose merciless gods walk by their side. --------> I feel like this deals with the Gods we (re)construct in our image to justify war.
Faced to the wall" ------- And that this supports the above point I made. We speak on behalf of a silent God, rendering Its (Gods) intentions interchangeable as we see fit. Like the ultimate excuse.

And I particularly enjoyed the flow of the poem, and the image "Wind torn and tied" was very effective, and well placed.

I loved the first stanza, it seems really simple to here, very stark but beautiful. The next two stanzas I get a little unsure. Is it about a religious war? I feel as though I am missing a connection. I don't have a hell of a lot of poetry reading experience so sometimes I feel as though I have missed bits. I love the sound of "Croak into blackness, silence the dawn". Again I don't have the right words but it seemed the most "together" poem I have read here tonight.

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied. 
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside; 
watch as he falls. This stanza is really evocative, but for one thing: this line sort of makes the imagery inconsistent. The sudden shift of imagery from one so well and deliberately developed into one so short and powerless shows to me like one of those movies where the camera just can't stop moving, and I don't think this is that kind of poem.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried. 
Death dealt by demons, holy men all, 
whose merciless gods walk by their side. This sentence is kinda jarring. The poem thus far has been speaking through images; now, it's just describing how the person died. Another image, an image that symbolizes what you're just plainly saying here, would be much better.
Face to the wall. 

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too. "as others will, too" just feels like such a bad jump from the whole of the line. 
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn, Lovely.
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn. This feels like such a dud ending....might be better if the lines accompanying it in its stanza were stronger and more supportive.

tectak
2014

(01-28-2015, 09:32 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  

(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied. 
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside; 
watch as he falls. This stanza is really evocative, but for one thing: this line sort of makes the imagery inconsistent. The sudden shift of imagery from one so well and deliberately developed into one so short and powerless shows to me like one of those movies where the camera just can't stop moving, and I don't think this is that kind of poem.

Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried. 
Death dealt by demons, holy men all, 
whose merciless gods walk by their side. This sentence is kinda jarring. The poem thus far has been speaking through images; now, it's just describing how the person died. Another image, an image that symbolizes what you're just plainly saying here, would be much better.
Face to the wall. 

Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too. "as others will, too" just feels like such a bad jump from the whole of the line. 
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn, Lovely.
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn. This feels like such a dud ending....might be better if the lines accompanying it in its stanza were stronger and more supportive.

tectak
2014

Many thanks for your considered crit. This is not a poem at its evolutionary end so I will edit in the near future and consider your comments. I agree with your point on jumpiness. At this time I cannot see a way out of it as I want starkness in the stanzas...that usually involves emotionally snatching the reader from one stanza in to the next...but I must do it better.
Thanks again,
tectak