edit #1:

In dream-like states where thoughts emerge
from unconscious whim, we carve stone
sculptures on opposite garden ends –

mine is a goat with webbed feet,
Carl’s is a duck with horns;
this is a meaningful coincidence.

Later, we play with our wise inner figures.
He dances on the grass, flinging yellow petals
while I sketch mandalas in green and gold sand.


original:

In dream-like states where thoughts emerge
from unconscious whim, we carve stone
sculptures on opposite garden ends –

mine is a goat with webbed feet,
Carl’s is a duck with horns;
this is a meaningful coincidence.

Later, we play in the sand
with our wise inner figures.
He dances while I draw hearts.

(08-21-2014, 08:01 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  In dream-like states where thoughts emerge
from unconscious whim, we carve stone woah. this is too much for me here. it seems like your trying to say something that could've been said a little more easily in a massively complicated way.. like a huge elephant picking up a single peanut if you catch my drift.
sculptures on opposite garden ends –

mine is a goat with webbed feet,
Carl’s is a duck with horns;
this is a meaningful coincidence. I feel like this line takes away from the reading experience; this coincidence is most likely already noted by the reader..no need to ruin the fun by stating it like this.

Later, we play in the sand
with our wise inner figures.
He dances while I draw hearts.

I know this is in the miscellaneous thread, but I left you a small critique out of habit. Hope you don't mind.

I really enjoy the surrealism here, especially in the second strophe -- but each time I come back to it, I find that I wish there were colours.

(08-22-2014, 04:18 AM)ajcohen613 Wrote:  

(08-21-2014, 08:01 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  In dream-like states where thoughts emerge
from unconscious whim, we carve stone woah. this is too much for me here. it seems like your trying to say something that could've been said a little more easily in a massively complicated way.. like a huge elephant picking up a single peanut if you catch my drift.
sculptures on opposite garden ends –

mine is a goat with webbed feet,
Carl’s is a duck with horns;
this is a meaningful coincidence. I feel like this line takes away from the reading experience; this coincidence is most likely already noted by the reader..no need to ruin the fun by stating it like this.

Later, we play in the sand
with our wise inner figures.
He dances while I draw hearts.

I know this is in the miscellaneous thread, but I left you a small critique out of habit. Hope you don't mind.

no worries, a.j. i'm always happen to entertain ideas and suggestions for improvement. with this piece, though, i think if you're not familiar with Jungian psychology and archetypes, there are elements of the poem that just won't make a lot of sense. hence the reason why i posted it in misc poetry...but still, i'm grateful that you even took the time to read and to offer feedback, that means a lot to me.

---

(08-22-2014, 04:47 AM)Leanne Wrote:  I really enjoy the surrealism here, especially in the second strophe -- but each time I come back to it, I find that I wish there were colours.

ha! you know, i thought about making my goat purple with pink polka dots and Carl's duck pink with purple polka dots, but ultimately decided against it.

i don't know where else i would plug color into the equation. ideas??

Stone is grey -- but gardens are pretty bloody colourful. Hearts in the sand. Juxtapositions of neutral and riotous. Jungian dreams needs colours.

indeed. thanks for pointing that out. i'll think on it and post an edit soon.

maybe there should be a cigar somewhere as well, just to piss Carl off...

indeed

i added a little color to the end, kind of expanded on the synchronicity aspect of the second stanza. better/worse? thoughts?

I like the edit, it provides more of a contrast between the two playmates. It's also a beautiful image.

(08-21-2014, 08:01 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  edit #1:

In dream-like states where thoughts emerge
from unconscious whim, we carve stone
sculptures on opposite garden ends –

mine is a goat with webbed feet,
Carl’s is a duck with horns;
this is a meaningful coincidence.

Later, we play with our wise inner figures.
He dances on the grass, flinging yellow petals
while I sketch mandalas in green and gold sand.


original:

In dream-like states where thoughts emerge
from unconscious whim, we carve stone
sculptures on opposite garden ends –

mine is a goat with webbed feet,
Carl’s is a duck with horns;
this is a meaningful coincidence.

Later, we play in the sand
with our wise inner figures.
He dances while I draw hearts.

Green and yellow -- purty! And yes, it's definitely better. (I really just want to say "close, but no cigar" now...)

(08-23-2014, 06:36 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Green and yellow -- purty! And yes, it's definitely better. (I really just want to say "close, but no cigar" now...)

---

(08-23-2014, 02:52 AM)ellajam Wrote:  I like the edit, it provides more of a contrast between the two playmates. It's also a beautiful image.

(08-21-2014, 08:01 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  edit #1:

In dream-like states where thoughts emerge
from unconscious whim, we carve stone
sculptures on opposite garden ends –

mine is a goat with webbed feet,
Carl’s is a duck with horns;
this is a meaningful coincidence.

Later, we play with our wise inner figures.
He dances on the grass, flinging yellow petals
while I sketch mandalas in green and gold sand.


original:

In dream-like states where thoughts emerge
from unconscious whim, we carve stone
sculptures on opposite garden ends –

mine is a goat with webbed feet,
Carl’s is a duck with horns;
this is a meaningful coincidence.

Later, we play in the sand
with our wise inner figures.
He dances while I draw hearts.

thank you, miss ella!

the edit is much better.
and the colour does add something.

though i'd lose the on before [grass]

thanks billy.

so the line you're referring to would read as such:

He dances, flinging yellow petals


is that what you're suggesting? because the grass is implied from the garden reference and therefore the green color as well?

removing the on before grass would be:

He dances the grass, flinging yellow petals


which doesn't read right, or am i just being completely dense here
and missing something? apologies if i am, my brain stopped functioning
correctly about an hour ago...

anywho, thanks for the confirmation about the color addition leanne suggested.

sorry... colour