October 30th, 2010
Daly City, California

Tonight,
we’re dancing
dressed as our dreams
to remember who we are
after a long week of cookie-cutting.
The electric bill is paid,
but we have dues to pay to Hedone!
Green hands grab purple hips,
teal lips kiss a pink neck;
each sensation summons a smile or a seizure.
The moon is the president, the pope,
our mother, our father,
distraction, reminder.
A voluptuous Dora the Explorer
just slipped something into my $6 Aquafina
and I can’t bring myself to hate her for it.
The walls are dripping sweat,
two Chinese schoolgirls are kissing ferociously
in between a shared Newport,
a skeleton in a chain-link t-shirt
is wondering if I have any coke for sale,
someone’s dad just bought a $12 Heineken
for a girl scout.
The men’s bathroom
functions as a nighttime confessional
for those high enough to tell the truth
and no one in the stalls
are surprised at what they hear.
Hell has no demons;
they’re all dancing in the Cow Palace!
Tomorrow may bring an array of plagues
and we might deserve damnation,
but tonight,
God isn’t dancing.

Hi AJ, this was fun.

Quote:each sensation could summon a smile and a seizure.

Here, you can consider cutting "could" or changing "and" to "or".

The last line let me down, I wanted it to be:

God is dancing.

I particularly like the kissing with the newport and the men's room confessional.

Thanks for posting it.

(08-21-2014, 05:31 AM)ajcohen613 Wrote:  October 30th, 2010
Daly City, California

Tonight,
we’re dancing
dressed as our dreams
to remember who we are
after a long week of cookie-cutting.
The electric bill is paid,
but we have dues to pay to Hedone!
Green hands grab purple hips,
teal lips kiss a pink neck;
each sensation could summon a smile and a seizure.
The moon is the president, the pope,
our mother, our father,
distraction, reminder.
A voluptuous Dora the Explorer
just slipped something into my $6 Aquafina
and I can’t bring myself to hate her for it.
The walls are dripping sweat,
two Chinese schoolgirls are kissing ferociously
in between a shared Newport,
a skeleton in a chain-link t-shirt
is wondering if I have any coke for sale,
someone’s dad just bought a $12 Heineken
for a girl scout.
The men’s bathroom
functions as a nighttime confessional
for those high enough to tell the truth
and no one in the stalls
are surprised at what they hear.
Hell has no demons;
they’re all dancing in the Cow Palace!
Tomorrow may bring an array of plagues
and we might deserve damnation,
but tonight,
God isn’t dancing.

Comment and poem removed. Please read forum rules about how to comment in the critical forums.

/mod

(08-21-2014, 05:31 AM)ajcohen613 Wrote:  October 30th, 2010
Daly City, California

Tonight,
we’re dancing
dressed as our dreams
to remember who we are
after a long week of cookie-cutting.
The electric bill is paid,
but we have dues to pay to Hedone!
Green hands grab purple hips,
teal lips kiss a pink neck;
each sensation could summon a smile and a seizure.
The moon is the president, the pope,
our mother, our father,
distraction, reminder.
A voluptuous Dora the Explorer
just slipped something into my $6 Aquafina
and I can’t bring myself to hate her for it.
The walls are dripping sweat,
two Chinese schoolgirls are kissing ferociously
in between a shared Newport,
a skeleton in a chain-link t-shirt
is wondering if I have any coke for sale,
someone’s dad just bought a $12 Heineken
for a girl scout.
The men’s bathroom
functions as a nighttime confessional
for those high enough to tell the truth
and no one in the stalls
are surprised at what they hear.
Hell has no demons;
they’re all dancing in the Cow Palace!
Tomorrow may bring an array of plagues
and we might deserve damnation,
but tonight,
God isn’t dancing.

I agree this is fun. "…but tonight, God isn't dancing" is a great finish. Could do w/o line: "to remember who we are." (Not sure we dream to remember things. Line just doesn't jive for me).

Love the bathroom stalls/confessional analogy. Wonderful image. Also the Cow Palace image. Might want to do something more w/the "array of plagues" image…if this is a reference to Egypt/Moses, maybe a tie-in image to Passover somehow. Just a thought. I enjoyed reading this. Would love to "hear" it read. Have you ever seen the play "Nunsense?" The humor here matching up well with that play. A version might be somewhere on Youtube.

(08-22-2014, 02:06 AM)71degrees Wrote:  

(08-21-2014, 05:31 AM)ajcohen613 Wrote:  October 30th, 2010
Daly City, California

Tonight,
we’re dancing
dressed as our dreams
to remember who we are
after a long week of cookie-cutting.
The electric bill is paid,
but we have dues to pay to Hedone!
Green hands grab purple hips,
teal lips kiss a pink neck;
each sensation could summon a smile and a seizure.
The moon is the president, the pope,
our mother, our father,
distraction, reminder.
A voluptuous Dora the Explorer
just slipped something into my $6 Aquafina
and I can’t bring myself to hate her for it.
The walls are dripping sweat,
two Chinese schoolgirls are kissing ferociously
in between a shared Newport,
a skeleton in a chain-link t-shirt
is wondering if I have any coke for sale,
someone’s dad just bought a $12 Heineken
for a girl scout.
The men’s bathroom
functions as a nighttime confessional
for those high enough to tell the truth
and no one in the stalls
are surprised at what they hear.
Hell has no demons;
they’re all dancing in the Cow Palace!
Tomorrow may bring an array of plagues
and we might deserve damnation,
but tonight,
God isn’t dancing.

I agree this is fun. "…but tonight, God isn't dancing" is a great finish. Could do w/o line: "to remember who we are." (Not sure we dream to remember things. Line just doesn't jive for me).

Love the bathroom stalls/confessional analogy. Wonderful image. Also the Cow Palace image. Might want to do something more w/the "array of plagues" image…if this is a reference to Egypt/Moses, maybe a tie-in image to Passover somehow. Just a thought. I enjoyed reading this. Would love to "hear" it read. Have you ever seen the play "Nunsense?" The humor here matching up well with that play. A version might be somewhere on Youtube.

Oddly enough, the Cow Palace is the actual name of the arena in Daly City!

(08-24-2014, 07:04 PM)shadowprophet Wrote:  I liked it, post 2.

You must be kidding. One more deleted post for you and you're a step away from a forever ban/ Admin

lol, crazy. i wouldn't be found in such a place. but you brought out an intimacy with the atmosphere. some dang good strong points:

someone’s dad just bought a $12 Heineken
for a girl scout.
The men’s bathroom
functions as a nighttime confessional
for those high enough to tell the truth
and no one in the stalls
are surprised at what they hear.

and

Hell has no demons;
they’re all dancing in the Cow Palace!

except i don't like the formal title, because i don't know where that is. maybe the fact that they are all in *this place* is more important. (that's what i think. Cow Palace, i'm like wha? where is that? what a strange name.)

but tonight,
God isn’t dancing.

meh, not so special ending for me. what night is he ever dancing in that place, or any place? go into something personal. there's all this definition and it's really real, but there's no opinion. give us one straight forward opinion at the end. i am attempting in my mind to do that, such as "but tonight i wouldn't be anywhere else," but that's kind of flat for an ending. you know what i mean? let us know that in all its badness and sin, you just wouldn't be anywhere else.

(again, i wouldn't be there... but the visuals are real and true.)