at night, I snuck down like a thief
you took a picture of me
stealing pictures in my grief
and just to show you loved me

you shared with me your whiskey toast
upon your breath, your flame
and then to show you loved me most
you took away my name

Oh father thou, oh father thou
I eat the flesh and drink the blood
and if you could be with me now
I’d take the lash and take the good

bread and wine is bread and wine
bread touches bread and no one bothers
your blood is yours and mine is mine
but everyone must kill their fathers


Did you know – oh, did you know
where Trojans go? Well, but of course
if you look within the book
you’ll find them there, they’ve grown quite horse.

I’ll lay this raft upon the waters
laden with your severed head
wrapped in lace as my three daughters
skip double dutch and rhyme me dead

Ha, the double dutch poem. First read, I'll have to think.

(08-01-2014, 11:07 AM)milo Wrote:  at night, I snuck down like a thief
you took a picture of me
taking pictures in my grief
and just to show you loved me

you shared with me your whiskey toast
you shared with me your flame
and then to show you loved me most
you took away my name

Oh father thou, oh father thou
I eat the flesh and drink the blood
and if you could be with me now
I’d take the lash and take the good

bread and wine is bread and wine
bread touches bread and no one bothers
your blood is yours and mine is mine
but everyone must kill their fathers


Did you know – oh, did you know
where Trojans go? Well, but of course
if you look within the book
you’ll find them there, they’ve grown quite horse.

I’ll lay this raft upon the waters
laden with your severed head
wrapped in lace as my three daughters
skip double dutch and rhyme me dead

Thanks for this milo. I fell in love with it four words into the first line.

Hauntingly beautiful, methinks. Need to let it sit inside and revisit. This might be a really good poem. Ah...not that it matters, but let me ponder some more about it.

I'm a fan of you, no doubt.

(08-01-2014, 11:15 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Ha, the double dutch poem. First read, I'll have to think.

surprisingly this wasn't /the/ double dutch poem but it would have worked. Now, if only I could go back in time I wouldn't have to write the Chinese Whispers poem . . .

---

(08-01-2014, 01:02 PM)trueenigma Wrote:  Thanks for this milo. I fell in love with it four words into the first line.

TA

---

(08-01-2014, 02:31 PM)NobodyNothing Wrote:  Hauntingly beautiful, methinks. Need to let it sit inside and revisit. This might be a really good poem. Ah...not that it matters, but let me ponder some more about it.

I'm a fan of you, no doubt.

always wanted a fan. Thanks.

(08-01-2014, 11:40 PM)milo Wrote:  

(08-01-2014, 11:15 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Ha, the double dutch poem. First read, I'll have to think.

surprisingly this wasn't /the/ double dutch poem but it would have worked. Now, if only I could go back in time I wouldn't have to write the Chinese Whispers poem . . .

Is too the double dutch poem, even if it wasn't written then, and as I predicted outdistances mine by miles.

The mixed feet work fine for me except L2 always seems off. The ending is fabulous, glad you posted it.

(08-01-2014, 11:07 AM)milo Wrote:  at night, I snuck down like a thief
you took a picture of me
taking pictures in my grief
and just to show you loved me

you shared with me your whiskey toast
upon your breath your flame
and then to show you loved me most
you took away my name

Oh father thou, oh father thou
I eat the flesh and drink the blood
and if you could be with me now
I’d take the lash and take the good

bread and wine is bread and wine
bread touches bread and no one bothers
your blood is yours and mine is mine
but everyone must kill their fathers


Did you know – oh, did you know
where Trojans go? Well, but of course
if you look within the book
you’ll find them there, they’ve grown quite horse.

I’ll lay this raft upon the waters
laden with your severed head
wrapped in lace as my three daughters
skip double dutch and rhyme me dead

To me you managed to bottle the inner conflict of wanting a better relationship with one's father, upon the realization that our parents are just people figuring it out as they go along, like the rest of us.

but everyone must kill their fathers

this is my favorite line of the poem

I’ll lay this raft upon the waters
laden with your severed head
wrapped in lace as my three daughters
skip double dutch and rhyme me dead

favorite stanza. To me there's obvious meaning here, mixed with heavy symbolism.

Thanks for posting this. I really enjoyed breaking it down. The only thing that stuck out to me is the line about the Trojans. It's unclear to me what your intent was with it.

(08-02-2014, 12:14 AM)ellajam Wrote:  

(08-01-2014, 11:40 PM)milo Wrote:  

(08-01-2014, 11:15 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Ha, the double dutch poem. First read, I'll have to think.

surprisingly this wasn't /the/ double dutch poem but it would have worked. Now, if only I could go back in time I wouldn't have to write the Chinese Whispers poem . . .

Is too the double dutch poem, even if it wasn't written then, and as I predicted outdistances mine by miles.

The mixed feet work fine for me except L2 always seems off. The ending is fabulous, glad you posted it.

L2 tries to force an inverted meter (OFme) for a fem ending which always reads awkwardly if it works and reads worse if it doesn't.

Glad you liked it.

---

(08-02-2014, 01:37 AM)maximumjake Wrote:  

(08-01-2014, 11:07 AM)milo Wrote:  at night, I snuck down like a thief
you took a picture of me
taking pictures in my grief
and just to show you loved me

you shared with me your whiskey toast
upon your breath your flame
and then to show you loved me most
you took away my name

Oh father thou, oh father thou
I eat the flesh and drink the blood
and if you could be with me now
I’d take the lash and take the good

bread and wine is bread and wine
bread touches bread and no one bothers
your blood is yours and mine is mine
but everyone must kill their fathers


Did you know – oh, did you know
where Trojans go? Well, but of course
if you look within the book
you’ll find them there, they’ve grown quite horse.

I’ll lay this raft upon the waters
laden with your severed head
wrapped in lace as my three daughters
skip double dutch and rhyme me dead

To me you managed to bottle the inner conflict of wanting a better relationship with one's father, upon the realization that our parents are just people figuring it out as they go along, like the rest of us.

but everyone must kill their fathers

this is my favorite line of the poem

I’ll lay this raft upon the waters
laden with your severed head
wrapped in lace as my three daughters
skip double dutch and rhyme me dead

favorite stanza. To me there's obvious meaning here, mixed with heavy symbolism.

Thanks for posting this. I really enjoyed breaking it down. The only thing that stuck out to me is the line about the Trojans. It's unclear to me what your intent was with it.

I am surprised anyone got any of my intent here TBH, especially out of that section which seems completely unrelated. Thanks for the read!

(08-02-2014, 01:37 AM)maximumjake Wrote:  To me you managed to bottle the inner conflict of wanting a better relationship with one's father, upon the realization that our parents are just people figuring it out as they go along, like the rest of us.

but everyone must kill their fathers

this is my favorite line of the poem

I’ll lay this raft upon the waters
laden with your severed head
wrapped in lace as my three daughters
skip double dutch and rhyme me dead

favorite stanza. To me there's obvious meaning here, mixed with heavy symbolism.

Thanks for posting this. I really enjoyed breaking it down. The only thing that stuck out to me is the line about the Trojans. It's unclear to me what your intent was with it.

ok, now that I have some time, here was my intent for this part:

Did you know – oh, did you know
where Trojans go? Well, but of course
if you look within the book
you’ll find them there, they’ve grown quite horse.

There was a child's skipping song once - something like do you know where trojans go or something, similar to "here's the church and here's the steeple look inside and see all the people." which is what I was shooting for when I added this part which is why it is offset in italics. Both off-set parts are to be thought of as not the narrator's words but chants - free associations that complement what is going on in the narrator's head.

The imagery I was hoping for was 3 girls chanting this part while skipping. So, what is it doing in this poem? I was hoping the reader would realize that all quatrains could be thought of as skipping chants or what not. When we say things in children's rhymes (setp on the crack, break your mother's back; step on the line and break your father's spine) we can say terrible things and it is okay.

The narrator here has some terrible things eating away at him but he is not confident enough to just say them without hiding them in skipping verses. The reason I picked trojans was, of course the modern association of trojans destroying things from the inside.

Anyway, I hope that answers the question of my intent though I don't think it is necessary or even important to understand a writer's inten when reading a poem.

(08-04-2014, 08:33 AM)milo Wrote:  

(08-02-2014, 05:15 AM)milo Wrote:  

(08-02-2014, 12:14 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Is too the double dutch poem, even if it wasn't written then, and as I predicted outdistances mine by miles.

The mixed feet work fine for me except L2 always seems off. The ending is fabulous, glad you posted it.

L2 tries to force an inverted meter (OFme) for a fem ending which always reads awkwardly if it works and reads worse if it doesn't.

Glad you liked it.

---

(08-02-2014, 01:37 AM)maximumjake Wrote:  To me you managed to bottle the inner conflict of wanting a better relationship with one's father, upon the realization that our parents are just people figuring it out as they go along, like the rest of us.

but everyone must kill their fathers

this is my favorite line of the poem

I’ll lay this raft upon the waters
laden with your severed head
wrapped in lace as my three daughters
skip double dutch and rhyme me dead

favorite stanza. To me there's obvious meaning here, mixed with heavy symbolism.

Thanks for posting this. I really enjoyed breaking it down. The only thing that stuck out to me is the line about the Trojans. It's unclear to me what your intent was with it.

I am surprised anyone got any of my intent here TBH, especially out of that section which seems completely unrelated. Thanks for the read!

ok, now that I have some time, here was my intent for this part:

Did you know – oh, did you know
where Trojans go? Well, but of course
if you look within the book
you’ll find them there, they’ve grown quite horse.

There was a child's skipping song once - something like do you know where trojans go or something, similar to "here's the church and here's the steeple look inside and see all the people." which is what I was shooting for when I added this part which is why it is offset in italics. Both off-set parts are to be thought of as not the narrator's words but chants - free associations that complement what is going on in the narrator's head.

The imagery I was hoping for was 3 girls chanting this part while skipping. So, what is it doing in this poem? I was hoping the reader would realize that all quatrains could be thought of as skipping chants or what not. When we say things in children's rhymes (setp on the crack, break your mother's back; step on the line and break your father's spine) we can say terrible things and it is okay.

The narrator here has some terrible things eating away at him but he is not confident enough to just say them without hiding them in skipping verses. The reason I picked trojans was, of course the modern association of trojans destroying things from the inside.

Anyway, I hope that answers the question of my intent though I don't think it is necessary or even important to understand a writer's inten when reading a poem.

Hi, milo. I definitely saw the italics as chants, and felt the rhythm matched a double dutch chant that I couldn't put my finger on, though I superimposed my own meaning on them.