This poem reflects the events that happened over the July 4th (2014) weekend in Chicago in which 16 people were killed and 82 shot over a period of 84 hours.

This is my first edit to the poem. Took some suggestions and some of mine and this is what I have thus far. Title change was one.


84 Hours In Chicago

As our country celebrated its independence,
remembering when blood was shed
and lives were lost,
In Chicago,
injuries and death were the cost.


The smell of smoke
and the sound of metal,
rippin’ flesh,
some now laid to rest.
Mommies cryin’ for their young,
that are gone,
while daddies lose their first born.
Young ladies mourn their man,
‘cuz he chose the life in a gang.


16 fell off death’s ledge
82 shot and body devoured,
All in 84 hours.



ORIGINAL POEM

84 Hours

A country celebrates
remembering when blood was shed
and lives were lost,
but a country was born.

The smell of smoke and the sound of metal,
rippin’ flesh.
Mommies cryin’ for their young,
that are gone.
Daddies lose their first born.
Young ladies mourn their man,
‘cuz he chose the life in a gang.

16 fell off death’s ledge
82 shot and body devoured,
All in 84 hours.

I understand the last two stanzas, but the first seems to be about something else. There's a disconnect. There's information missing here that would clarify what the poem is about. What country? what do you mean death's ledge? Did they all die in gangs? what metal ripping flesh? I want more from this. I think it could be added to/further developed. Each stanza seems sudden and unrelated.

I love the rhyme of the last two lines.

Hey Cat

Thank you for responding & reading. I added a little info before the poem to help. "fell off death's ledge" means they were killed. "metal rippin' flesh" refers to the bullets hitting a person. So my point was that while the country was celebrating its independence, and yes, it was violent and many died, it was for a just cause (as many would argue) hence the line "but a country was born" However, the events in Chicago that weekend seem to be a result of that city's continuing problem with violence and shootings. Many attribute that to gangs and an increase in firearms there.

(07-15-2014, 02:37 PM)catfacemeowmers Wrote:  I understand the last two stanzas, but the first seems to be about something else. There's a disconnect. There's information missing here that would clarify what the poem is about. What country? what do you mean death's ledge? Did they all die in gangs? what metal ripping flesh? I want more from this. I think it could be added to/further developed. Each stanza seems sudden and unrelated.

I love the rhyme of the last two lines.

(07-15-2014, 09:38 PM)KROD Wrote:  Hey Cat

Thank you for responding & reading. I added a little info before the poem to help. "fell off death's ledge" means they were killed. "metal rippin' flesh" refers to the bullets hitting a person. So my point was that while the country was celebrating its independence, and yes, it was violent and many died, it was for a just cause (as many would argue) hence the line "but a country was born" However, the events in Chicago that weekend seem to be a result of that city's continuing problem with violence and shootings. Many attribute that to gangs and an increase in firearms there.

Hi KROD, welcome, and thank you for critiques on other member's work, it's appreciated.

I believe that what cat was asking for was not an introductory explanation to your poem, but for the poem itself to do the work of clarifying the points that disrupted her read.

As the 84 hours lands so beautifully at the end, if you want to clarify you might consider changing the title to Independence Day, Chicago, or something you think of more interesting than that.

I'm glad you decided to write on this topic; Chicago has been too violent for too long. Though I do agree with ella in that you might want to title it more specifically, since this is a poem not only about a specific point in time but also a specific city. Also, death seems a bit flat in this poem. People die, people cry. Idk exactly how to fix this, but you might want to explore further avenues in representing death.

(07-16-2014, 03:43 AM)ajcohen613 Wrote:  I'm glad you decided to write on this topic; Chicago has been too violent for too long. Though I do agree with ella in that you might want to title it more specifically, since this is a poem not only about a specific point in time but also a specific city. Also, death seems a bit flat in this poem. People die, people cry. Idk exactly how to fix this, but you might want to explore further avenues in representing death.

Thank you and yes it has been too violent. I'm revising as we 'speak" Not sure what you mean by "death seems a bit flat". Do you mean the use of the word death or the whole concept of death throughout the poem?

(07-16-2014, 04:14 AM)KROD Wrote:  

(07-16-2014, 03:43 AM)ajcohen613 Wrote:  I'm glad you decided to write on this topic; Chicago has been too violent for too long. Though I do agree with ella in that you might want to title it more specifically, since this is a poem not only about a specific point in time but also a specific city. Also, death seems a bit flat in this poem. People die, people cry. Idk exactly how to fix this, but you might want to explore further avenues in representing death.

Thank you and yes it has been too violent. I'm revising as we 'speak" Not sure what you mean by "death seems a bit flat". Do you mean the use of the word death or the whole concept of death throughout the poem?

How death is represented in this poem; sorry wasn't specific enough.

(07-16-2014, 04:21 AM)ajcohen613 Wrote:  

(07-16-2014, 04:14 AM)KROD Wrote:  

(07-16-2014, 03:43 AM)ajcohen613 Wrote:  I'm glad you decided to write on this topic; Chicago has been too violent for too long. Though I do agree with ella in that you might want to title it more specifically, since this is a poem not only about a specific point in time but also a specific city. Also, death seems a bit flat in this poem. People die, people cry. Idk exactly how to fix this, but you might want to explore further avenues in representing death.

Thank you and yes it has been too violent. I'm revising as we 'speak" Not sure what you mean by "death seems a bit flat". Do you mean the use of the word death or the whole concept of death throughout the poem?

How death is represented in this poem; sorry wasn't specific enough.

Lol that's ok. I got it now thanks!