He’s brewing up some angel trumpet tea.
The alkaloids and water blur his sight,
And he expounds about the honey bee.

“They take their share but friends, we lick times three.
So, come you lustful Gods who burn too bright,
I’m brewing up some angel trumpet tea.”

Soon shadows dance around in waking dreams,
He stands atop a stump to give advice,
And he expounds about the honey bee.

“Let adders hiss their diatribes at me.
Let devil’s say you’re drinking manic light
he’s brewing up. Some angel trumpet tea

Will give us double eyes for prophecy.”
With cotton mouth he’s at his sermon’s height,
And he expounds. “About the honey bee,

Their flower licking lives are never free
From heart glued swords. So be with God tonight,
He’s brewing up some angel trumpet tea,
And he expounds about the honey bee.”

A villanelle... Is S3L1 not suppose to rhyme? "Dreams" seems to break the pattern. A clever use of your two lines. The enjambment works well. Not too bad for a villanelle.


Dale

(07-05-2014, 05:46 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  He’s brewing up some angel trumpet tea.
The alkaloids and water blur his sight,
And he expounds about the honey bee.

“They take their share but friends, we lick times three.
So, come you lustful Gods who burn too bright,
I’m brewing up some angel trumpet tea.”

Soon shadows dance around in waking dreams,
He stands atop a stump to give advice,
And he expounds about the honey bee.

“Let adders hiss their diatribes at me.
Let devil’s say you’re drinking manic light
he’s brewing up. Some angel trumpet tea

Will give us double eyes for prophecy.”
With cotton mouth he’s at his sermon’s height,
And he expounds. “About the honey bee,

Their flower licking lives are never free
From heart glued swords. So be with God tonight,
He’s brewing up some angel trumpet tea,
And he expounds about the honey bee.”

---

L>O>V>E would love to have some angel trumpet tea, well done, though that "dreams" is one sticker. Best Loretta

(07-05-2014, 05:46 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  He’s brewing up some angel trumpet tea.I have two of these trees
The alkaloids and water blur his sight,
And he expounds about the honey bee.

“They take their share but friends, we lick times three. this line feels clunky to me - I'm not sure what 'lick times three' means so maybe that's why
So, come you lustful Gods who burn too bright,
I’m brewing up some angel trumpet tea.”

Soon shadows dance around in waking dreams,
He stands atop a stump to give advice,
And he expounds about the honey bee.

“Let adders hiss their diatribes at me.
Let devil’s say you’re drinking manic light Does that apostrophe belong there? This sentence feels clunky too.
he’s brewing up. Some angel trumpet tea

Will give us double eyes for prophecy.”Love the double eyes
With cotton mouth he’s at his sermon’s height,
And he expounds. “About the honey bee,

Their flower licking lives are never free
From heart glued swords. So be with God tonight,heart glued?
He’s brewing up some angel trumpet tea,
And he expounds about the honey bee.”

Very cool villanelle. The refrain lines work well, I'm OK with the rhymes, meter seems right, and I love the line 'their flower licking lives are never free'.

Thanks for the helpful feedback, I drank way too much of that stuff in high school.

It's a flower-licking good one!

Hi, Brownlie, this is fun.
S3, with both dreams and advice being off, stands out as weaker than the rest for me. A possible substitute for waking dreams might be dreams' debris.

The only thing I could think of that heart glued swords might mean is the bleeding heart, which fits the meter and may maintain your thought while being clearer.


Thanks for the read.

(07-05-2014, 05:46 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  He’s brewing up some angel trumpet tea.
The alkaloids and water blur his sight,
And he expounds about the honey bee.

“They take their share but friends, we lick times three.
So, come you lustful Gods who burn too bright,
I’m brewing up some angel trumpet tea.”

Soon shadows dance around in waking dreams,
He stands atop a stump to give advice,
And he expounds about the honey bee.

“Let adders hiss their diatribes at me.
Let devil’s say you’re drinking manic light
he’s brewing up. Some angel trumpet tea

Will give us double eyes for prophecy.”
With cotton mouth he’s at his sermon’s height,
And he expounds. “About the honey bee,

Their flower licking lives are never free
From heart glued swords. So be with God tonight,
He’s brewing up some angel trumpet tea,
And he expounds about the honey bee.”

Thanks for the replies, and the helpful suggestions. I hadn't thought to use debris, and those bleeding hearts are quite cool (The legend is also interesting). I guess this poem has a little problem with clarity, but what I was trying to go for with the heart glued swords thing was that bees have stingers attached to their hearts.

(07-05-2014, 05:46 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  He’s brewing up some angel trumpet tea.
The alkaloids and water blur his sight,
And he expounds about the honey bee.

“They take their share but friends, we lick times three.
So, come you lustful Gods who burn too bright,
I’m brewing up some angel trumpet tea.”

Soon shadows dance around in waking dreams,
He stands atop a stump to give advice,
And he expounds about the honey bee.

“Let adders hiss their diatribes at me.
Let devil’s say you’re drinking manic light
he’s brewing up. Some angel trumpet tea

Will give us double eyes for prophecy.”
With cotton mouth he’s at his sermon’s height,
And he expounds. “About the honey bee,

Their flower licking lives are never free
From heart glued swords. So be with God tonight,
He’s brewing up some angel trumpet tea,
And he expounds about the honey bee.”

"Their flower licking lives are never free
From heart glued swords."

Hello Brownlie! I am aware that this sentence´s meaning is clear to almost anyone else but me. Still, would you explain ?

I know, I have no useful critic for you to offer, even if I really would want to say more than that I like this poem.


(Billy, you don´t have to count this reply to any list of critiques required)

(07-06-2014, 12:34 PM)Brownlie Wrote:  Thanks for the replies, and the helpful suggestions. I hadn't thought to use debris, and those bleeding hearts are quite cool (The legend is also interesting). I guess this poem has a little problem with clarity, but what I was trying to go for with the heart glued swords thing was that bees have stingers attached to their hearts.

I didn't know that, interesting. Maybe something other than glued could inform me in the poem, I'm not sure it's common knowledge.