* I try here to establish an atmosphere more than giving concrete explanations on what is happening.


A hum in the red sky

detached people quiet
around long dining table

front yards at day
St-Augustine lawn shivers
in silent madness

terrible sights of deathless track homes

curtains stir where
rifts form

he opens the trunk and puts in the bags

always a plot and a parallel romance
he runs to the cities
he has bigger visions

A good effort Alex, I think an atmosphere does come through, I like the "curtains stirring" and the "detatched people," who could tie into the last 4 lines that finish the piece well for me, and give the narrative another dimension to step into..JG

PS I think line 7 could be got rid of for a stronger overall feel.

(07-04-2014, 07:08 PM)Alexearth Wrote:  * I try here to establish an atmosphere more than giving concrete explanations on what is happening.


A hum in the red sky

detached people quiet
around long dining table

front yards at day
St-Augustine lawn shivers
in silent madness

terrible sights of deathless track homes

curtains stir where
rifts form

he opens the trunk and puts in the bags

always a plot and a parallel romance
he runs to the cities
he has bigger visions

---

Hi Alex: I see some atmosphere here, a bit truncated, but atmosphere is everywhere; what's the point? Best Loretta

(07-04-2014, 11:49 PM)John Galt Wrote:  A good effort Alex, I think an atmosphere does come through, I like the "curtains stirring" and the "detatched people," who could tie into the last 4 lines that finish the piece well for me, and give the narrative another dimension to step into..JG

PS I think line 7 could be got rid of for a stronger overall feel.

Thank you for your answer! I was thinking maybe putting line 7 in the beginning as an introduction?


Alex

---

(07-05-2014, 02:26 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  Hi Alex: I see some atmosphere here, a bit truncated, but atmosphere is everywhere; what's the point? Best Loretta

Thank you for your answer Loretta. Do you think more lines should be added to emphasize the atmosphere?
As an explanation I think sometimes the feeling you get from a poem is more important than the content, so its okay not to understand as long as the intended atmosphere is fully grasped. So I'm trying to play with that,tell me if I'm wrong

Alex

(07-05-2014, 06:29 PM)Alexearth Wrote:  

(07-04-2014, 11:49 PM)John Galt Wrote:  A good effort Alex, I think an atmosphere does come through, I like the "curtains stirring" and the "detatched people," who could tie into the last 4 lines that finish the piece well for me, and give the narrative another dimension to step into..JG

PS I think line 7 could be got rid of for a stronger overall feel.

Thank you for your answer! I was thinking maybe putting line 7 in the beginning as an introduction?


Alex

---

(07-05-2014, 02:26 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  Hi Alex: I see some atmosphere here, a bit truncated, but atmosphere is everywhere; what's the point? Best Loretta

Thank you for your answer Loretta. Do you think more lines should be added to emphasize the atmosphere?
As an explanation I think sometimes the feeling you get from a poem is more important than the content, so its okay not to understand as long as the intended atmosphere is fully grasped. So I'm trying to play with that,tell me if I'm wrong

Alex

---

Hi Alex: I believe generally atmosphere comprises the concrete elements that allude to a point. The atmosphere you speak of sounds thin to me; not descriptive enough; I am no expert nor minimalist; but you have no punctuation, and the images don't connect in a flow. Perhaps the atmosphere is too common: think of all the atmosphere in war zones; bars; why not expand and describe more. Best Loretta

(07-04-2014, 07:08 PM)Alexearth Wrote:  * I try here to establish an atmosphere more than giving concrete explanations on what is happening.


A hum in the red sky

detached people quiet
around long dining table

front yards at day
St-Augustine lawn shivers
in silent madness

terrible sights of deathless track homes

curtains stir where
rifts form

he opens the trunk and puts in the bags

always a plot and a parallel romance
he runs to the cities
he has bigger visions

Okay to tell us what you're striving for, I guess. Might get less skewered comments if people were left to comment "blind" on your intentions. Atmosphere is carried here as much by formatting as words. Like the absence of punctuation, capital letters, uneven stanzas. All add to your "atmosphere" of dead/undead suburbia dwellers. The "parallel romance / plot" fits well with the parallel universe between the settings. I like the poem. I see a bit of Twilight Zone here. Wouldn't mind a reference to the other half (e.g. she) of the equation. Is it only "he" who is a lost soul? You have a reference to "people"…specifically use domestic settings, but prefer to zero in only on the male half as "he" goes off to the city. Quite a Leave It to Beaver ending.

(07-05-2014, 11:19 PM)71degrees Wrote:  Okay to tell us what you're striving for, I guess. Might get less skewered comments if people were left to comment "blind" on your intentions. Atmosphere is carried here as much by formatting as words. Like the absence of punctuation, capital letters, uneven stanzas. All add to your "atmosphere" of dead/undead suburbia dwellers. The "parallel romance / plot" fits well with the parallel universe between the settings. I like the poem. I see a bit of Twilight Zone here. Wouldn't mind a reference to the other half (e.g. she) of the equation. Is it only "he" who is a lost soul? You have a reference to "people"…specifically use domestic settings, but prefer to zero in only on the male half as "he" goes off to the city. Quite a Leave It to Beaver ending.

Thank you for your comment 71degrees. I like how you grasped some of my intentions. Do you think adding punctuation would help the poem?

This extract comes from a book of several poems I'm writing, implicating this "he" . I should have mention that earlier I guess. I want to create a contrast between a person and a scene, an intrusion.

Alex

(07-06-2014, 12:34 AM)Alexearth Wrote:  [quote='71degrees' pid='168658' dateline='1404569974']

Okay to tell us what you're striving for, I guess. Might get less skewered comments if people were left to comment "blind" on your intentions. Atmosphere is carried here as much by formatting as words. Like the absence of punctuation, capital letters, uneven stanzas. All add to your "atmosphere" of dead/undead suburbia dwellers. The "parallel romance / plot" fits well with the parallel universe between the settings. I like the poem. I see a bit of Twilight Zone here. Wouldn't mind a reference to the other half (e.g. she) of the equation. Is it only "he" who is a lost soul? You have a reference to "people"…specifically use domestic settings, but prefer to zero in only on the male half as "he" goes off to the city. Quite a Leave It to Beaver ending.

Thank you for your comment 71degrees. I like how you grasped some of my intentions. Do you think adding punctuation would help the poem?

This extract comes from a book of several poems I'm writing, implicating this "he" . I should have mention that earlier I guess. I want to create a contrast between a person and a scene, an intrusion.

Alex

"Do you think adding punctuation would help the poem?"

No.

I like the ambiguity. Trouble in paradise. Suburban dystopia is an interesting contrast to typical expectations. I would like a bit more imagery to show how the relationship fell apart, rather than just that it did. Unless it was just boredom?

Broad strokes with a fine tipped brush. Interesting technique. Kinda refreshing in a tell-all post-facebook world. I'm interested in seeing what else you've got.

(07-07-2014, 11:17 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  I like the ambiguity. Trouble in paradise. Suburban dystopia is an interesting contrast to typical expectations. I would like a bit more imagery to show how the relationship fell apart, rather than just that it did. Unless it was just boredom?

Broad strokes with a fine tipped brush. Interesting technique. Kinda refreshing in a tell-all post-facebook world. I'm interested in seeing what else you've got.

Thanks al ot for your comment Trueenigma. I was told to add more details in several feedback, but I'm scared to ruin the poem by adding something haha I'll try to work on it.

Alex

(07-09-2014, 12:46 AM)fogglethorpe Wrote:  I am approaching this without any assumptions.

I like the minimalism. This is like a short pastiche, some random images that somehow share context. That is ok in lieu of literal meaning or narrative..

(07-04-2014, 07:08 PM)Alexearth Wrote:  A hum in the red sky

detached people quiet
around long dining table Though this is a minimalist piece, it would be more readable with the article "a" included.

front yards at day
St-Augustine lawn shivers
in silent madness I think you could lose this prepositional phrase. It feels trite, or like an add on. And how can a lawn suffer madness? A clumsy use of personification..

terrible sights of deathless track homes "terrible sights" is implied. You could lose it.

curtains stir where
rifts form Perfect..very intriguing phrase.

he opens the trunk and puts in the bags A turning point in the poem..compelling.

always a plot and a parallel romance
he runs to the cities
he has bigger visions Good. Maybe it should be tightened up a little.

suggested edit..

A hum in the red sky

detached people quiet
around a long dining table

front yards at day
St-Augustine lawn shivers

deathless track homes

curtains stir where
rifts form

he opens the trunk and puts in the bags

always a plot
and parallel romance

he runs to cities
with bigger visions

Nice edit. For "shivers in silent madness" I wanted to describe in which way they the grass was shivering, to accentuate the atmosphere. Would you have a suggestion to replace "madness", for a better personification?
Also for the "terrible sights", I was imagining this like the flickering of images like we can see in the beginning of movies if you know what I mean.. Thanks for your help!


Alex

I like the idea of this poem and think it's pretty well executed. Lines like: "detached people quiet;
around long dining table" and "terrible sights of deathless track homes" really stand out.

One thing that throws me off is the opening line states "A hum in the red sky" which hints at the idea of it being sunset. Later "front yards at day" is written, which threw off the vision I had in my head of it being sunset. I'd drop the "front yards at day" line. Don't think it's necessary.

Also, I really like Fogglethorpe's edit, especially for the ending. Splitting the last stanza into two makes it much stronger.

Again, I really like the poem. Hope you keep working on it. Best of luck.

(07-10-2014, 11:57 PM)nicksherman Wrote:  I like the idea of this poem and think it's pretty well executed. Lines like: "detached people quiet;
around long dining table" and "terrible sights of deathless track homes" really stand out.

One thing that throws me off is the opening line states "A hum in the red sky" which hints at the idea of it being sunset. Later "front yards at day" is written, which threw off the vision I had in my head of it being sunset. I'd drop the "front yards at day" line. Don't think it's necessary.

Also, I really like Fogglethorpe's edit, especially for the ending. Splitting the last stanza into two makes it much stronger.

Again, I really like the poem. Hope you keep working on it. Best of luck.

Hey nick sherman,
I was seeing the red sky more like an add up to a hostile atmosphere; the sunset has more a nostalgic tone, which is good to consider too!
" at day" is used to underline an uncovered,revealed, naked tone of the suburbs.
Thanks for your feedback!

Alex

(07-04-2014, 07:08 PM)Alexearth Wrote:  * I try here to establish an atmosphere more than giving concrete explanations on what is happening.


A hum in the red sky

detached people quiet
around long dining table

front yards at day
St-Augustine lawn shivers
in silent madness

terrible sights of deathless track homes

curtains stir where
rifts form

he opens the trunk and puts in the bags

always a plot and a parallel romance
he runs to the cities
he has bigger visions

An earlier reply mentioned "Twilight Zone" and I totally agree. You've let me peek into this world and I'm pretty sure I don't want to stay. That said - why not drag me in further? There is slow terror here yet to be uncovered. Expand it!

Agree with some others - "around a long dining table" seems better.

But really - just keep going. I want more. Somebody is doing something awful to another somebody in a basement...