This edit was done in response to the critiques of Tectak, Cherrie666pie, and Fogglethorpe. With thanks.



Infatuation



Flutter, flutter, you are the utter
romance of the breath.
A fibrillation of intent upon your object,
heaven sent:
beauty in its pure incantation.

Flutter, flutter,
a trembled breath...
the feather fringed eyelashes' fluttered moment sent,

an image in the mind
carried through a river in the eyes,
waxed wild and wide
for shooting sparks to fly inside..
The hostage is entrained:

“(She is beauty and divine,
what is chief is she be mine.)”

Do angels chortle (but jealously)
when imbibing what they see?
Or admonish clumsily:

Don't you know that,
beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend,
but then falls down
as earth's revenge?


Flutter, flutter, you are the
drenched or dried up longings of the heart.
What reigns instead behind a queen's
departure.

Though time betrays all but the memory
of the once fresh and young.
Beauty will cause this flutter to flutter, by and by
the newly aching heart.







Original

Flutter, flutter, you are the
utter romance of the breath
a fibrillation of intent upon your object
heaven sent: Beauty in its pure incantation.

Flutter, flutter,
a trembled breath,
the fern feathered eyelashes' fluttered moment went.

It tricked the eye to believe
it let sparkles fly.

So while beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend it then
falls down again as earth's revenge.

Flutter, flutter, you are the
five fingers of my heart.
What reigns instead behind a queen's
departure.

For as time betrays all
but the memory of the once fresh and young,
beauty will cause this flutter, to flutter, now
the newly aching heart.




October 2006

(06-22-2014, 09:16 PM)poe Wrote:  hypo,
let me say at the outset that without competent punctuation this stands very little chance of being taken "seriously". The sheer inadequacy of the piece in this area alone makes reading a chore. Problematically, any clear intent or clever nuance is lost before daylight comes. In S1 you fail to guide the reader towards the coloned conclusion ( incorrectly capitalising "beauty") by failing to seperate clauses. As to the word use, I can only wonder at your ability to cobble together fibrillation, romance, breath, intent and object in to such close proximity that critical mass is reached without nuclear fusion causing runaway meltdown. What does it all mean to the man in the street...you may as well be talking Navaho...you're not Navaho, are you
More in the text, but I fear I will not get to the end.

Flutter, flutter, you are the
utter romance of the breath
a fibrillation of intent upon your object What is your object? No. I don't want to know
heaven sent: Beauty in its pure incantation.

Flutter, flutter,
a trembled breath,
the fern feathered eyelashes' fluttered moment went. Went what...or where? Whose eylashes? Did they fall off? What is fluttering? Breath, hearts, eyelashes...all of the above. It is just not clear enough to make sense or obscure enough to be deliberate.

It tricked the eye to believe What is "it"? Please, just something solid l can get purchase on
it let sparkles fly. Now you believe in "it" but you forgot to tell the bloody reader what "it" is...exept that "it" let "sparkles(?)" fly. Lost me.

So while beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend it then
falls down again as earth's revenge. Gobbledygook of the first order. You win this week's Prof. S. Unwin Poulet Surprise.

Flutter, flutter, you are the
five fingers of my heart. Huh?
What reigns instead behind a queen's
departure. Huh huh? Is this a question? OK. Why does a mouse when it spins? You don't know? Obviously, it's because the higher they get, the fewer. Sheesh.

For as time betrays all
but the memory of the once fresh and young,
beauty will cause this flutter, to flutter, now
the newly aching heart. A timely end.

Look, I can tell you have something to say. Explain by writing side notes against your poem what each line means. Do it slowly in the privacy of your own bedroom, then scrap the poem and post up the notes...after punctuating.
Best,
tectak




October 2006

thanks for your time

I think this is an absolutely beautiful poem it could definitely use a few edits though. It is a very pretty and a nice read but a little bit confusing. I'm not sure what you are trying to portray in your writing, I sort of have an idea but I think you should give your message a little more emphasis. This poem has amazing potential though, I think you should just do a few more rewrites and I'll be looking forward to seeing them! (:

(06-24-2014, 02:43 AM)Cherrie666pie Wrote:  
I think this is an absolutely beautiful poem it could definitely use a few edits though. It is a very pretty and a nice read but a little bit confusing. I'm not sure what you are trying to portray in your writing, I sort of have an idea but I think you should give your message a little more emphasis. This poem has amazing potential though, I think you should just do a few more rewrites and I'll be looking forward to seeing them! (:

Thank You Cherrie666pie,
For your encouraging words. I'm gonna get crackin'!

(06-22-2014, 09:16 PM)poe Wrote:  This edit was done in response to the critiques of Tectak, Cherrie666pie, and Fogglethorpe. With thanks.



Infatuation



Flutter, flutter, you are the utter
romance of the breath. I truly wish I knew what the hell this means but even with the addition of the next line it leaves me dumfounded. I am more than happy to blame my own inadequacies in the translation department but what does " A fibrillation of intent upon your object" purport to mean. What is this "object" ? Why do you not write in sentences?
A fibrillation of intent upon your object,
heaven sent:
beauty in its pure incantation.

Flutter, flutter,
a trembled breath...
the feather fringed eyelashes' fluttered moment sent, Why the comma? Do you intend linkage to the next stanza? Yes? So why the comma AND why the line break? It is nonsensical. If you cannot see what is wrong here please just say. If english is not your first language then my apologies...if it is, do you have a second?

an image in the mind
carried through a river in the eyes,
waxed wild and wide
for shooting sparks to fly inside..
The hostage is entrained: entrained?

“(She is beauty and divine,
what is chief is she be mine.)” Sorry but still gobbledygook

Do angels chortle (but jealously)
when imbibing what they see?
Or admonish clumsily: Enough. I will leave this to others. I really want to help but I feel that I am discouraging you by standung too close to that old humorist, Scarcasm; and that is not what either of us want

Don't you know that,
beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend,
but then falls down
as earth's revenge?


Flutter, flutter, you are the
drenched or dried up longings of the heart.
What reigns instead behind a queen's
departure.

Though time betrays all but the memory
of the once fresh and young.
Beauty will cause this flutter to flutter, by and by
the newly aching heart.

I wish you well.
Best,
tectak





Original

Flutter, flutter, you are the
utter romance of the breath
a fibrillation of intent upon your object
heaven sent: Beauty in its pure incantation.

Flutter, flutter,
a trembled breath,
the fern feathered eyelashes' fluttered moment went.

It tricked the eye to believe
it let sparkles fly.

So while beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend it then
falls down again as earth's revenge.

Flutter, flutter, you are the
five fingers of my heart.
What reigns instead behind a queen's
departure.

For as time betrays all
but the memory of the once fresh and young,
beauty will cause this flutter, to flutter, now
the newly aching heart.




October 2006