He's a Poet Who Don't Know It (Free-ranging allowed, creative comments appreciated)

He's a poet who don't know it;
it's not of relevance to him,
with charm he thinks to stature win.
A mentor will secure his place, he thinks,
to please his clique, promote his face.
He thrives on flattery and cheers,
impressing his admirers and peers.
On stage he was the Bard's words of art,
words divided from his self apart.
Is he now upon the stage
or words and heart in life engaged?

For he's a poet who don't know it.
He seeks to best the commonplace.
His aging ass would like to grace
a comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, poetic flair.
As one with practiced wits as he,
he casts his nets with subtlety, and care.
He tires and ascends the stair
then breathless falls upon a chair,
with age, though aspirations debonair.
Should he grasp the Bard's spirit there;
and be the poet, who in his glory,
smiles to know it?

She unhooded the hawk, loosed the jesses;
introduced it, to the air.
It stooped from a mile up
a poet with flair.

(06-18-2014, 02:43 AM)John Galt Wrote:  She unhooded the hawk, loosed the jesses;
introduced it, to the air.
It stooped from a mile up
a poet with flair.

---

Hi John: I like it. Very whimsical, to me. Thanks for reading and commenting. Best Loretta

(06-18-2014, 12:50 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  He's a Poet Who Don't Know It (Free-ranging allowed, creative comments appreciated)

He's a poet who don't know it; -- I would avoid using a cliché for the title and first line. I think you can get away with bad grammar if you're imitating a way some people speak, but I'm not so sure here.
it's not of relevance to him,
his pride he thinks to stature win. --To stature win is awkward. I would never cheat to achieve meter. Always try and make it sound natural.
He seeks a mentor to guide his place
to please his clique, promote his face. -- Whenever you insert A rhyme scheme of AA it will be harder for people to take your work seriously.
His mind profound but lacking liberty, -- You seem to have omitted some crucial words that would hold up the sentence structure.

possessed to win applause and flattery.
On stage he plied the written words of art, -- written words of art is incredibly abstract, and thus somewhat meaningless. The more specific the more the reader knows what's going on.

divided from his self part; a broken heart
that questions, is he now upon the stage,
or words and heart in life engaged?

For he's a poet who don't know it.
He seeks to best the common place.
His aging ass would like to grace
a comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, poetic flair.
For one with practiced wits as he
who casts his nets with subtlety
and care; he tires then ascends the stair
and breathless falls upon a chair;
with age, though aspirations debonair. -- Debonair sounds incredibly forced, because you use simple language and then this pops up out of the blue. Plus, it is kind of a strange word. At least, that's how I see it.

Should he grasp the naked phantom there
and be the poet, and in his glory
smile to know it?

Still, it's buried in his heart apart,
and though it sings within his head;
he has no ear to hear, but fears to know it.
Yet, he is on fire within, of life's desires;
but seeking safety he conspires
to trample out those restless fires.
With all of everything, his age to doubt,
the decades growing thin without;
despite what dims the outer rim,
his secret treasure hides within, and sadly
still, he's a poet who don't know it.

Ok I like you and left you some notes. I'd like to see something a little more real from you, but people do like different things.

(06-18-2014, 12:50 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  He's a Poet Who Don't Know It (Free-ranging allowed, creative comments appreciated)

He's a poet who don't know it; Have you been reading my crits? Is this a Dylan cliche?
it's not of relevance to him, You can and should end this sentence here. Why cantilever words into unstable structures when natural law says that you have made a single point?
his pride he thinks to stature win. A sentence; and a good one, if inverted it is. Give it credit.
He seeks a mentor to guide his place
to please his clique, promote his face. Hang on. How does one guide a place? You are enraptured with the poetic amour. Calm down and make sense. He seeks a mentor to secure/locate/define/ assert/ fix...I could go on but I would never say "guide"
His mind profound but lacking liberty, but me no buts. "and" or "though" would be unarguable. You imply that profundity somehow has an accepted affinity with libertarian thought. I don't.
possessed to win applause and flattery. Wot possesses?
On stage he plied the written words of art,
divided from his self part; a broken heart Wot is a self part?
that questions, is he now upon the stage,
or words and heart in life engaged? Dangerously close to gobbledygook. Needs clarity of meaning as this is not supposed to be obscure by intent.

For he's a poet who don't know it.
He seeks to best the common place. How does one best a place? Sorry. I am a pedant.
His aging ass would like to grace
a comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, poetic flair. Excellent
For one with practiced wits as he
who casts his nets with subtlety
and care; he tires then ascends the stair
and breathless falls upon a chair; Excellent again
with age, though aspirations debonair. Not excellent
Should he grasp the naked phantom there
and be the poet, and in his glory
smile to know it? Neither excellent nor crap. I don't get it.Should I?

Still, it's buried in his heart apart, AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! Wot is "it"? You do not say. Should I guess? OK. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No. It sings...is it Kylie Minogue? I give up. Wot is it?
and though it sings within his head;
he has no ear to hear, but fears to know it. OK. Best I don't know. It is too frightening. It isn't Kylie, is it?
Yet, he is on fire within, of life's desires;
but seeking safety he conspires
to trample out those restless fires. The fire word is spreading[/b
With all of everything, his age to doubt,
the decades growing thin without;[b] Forced rhyme. You can't fool me
despite what dims the outer rim, Loretta, I need to talk to you about rims. In private. It's for your own good.You are a nice lady.
his secret treasure hides within, and sadly
still, he's a poet who don't know it.

Well, unless this piece is about Dylan Dementia I have no idea of the point but I think it may be about me. Or Dale. Or Milo.Or Billy. Or..or....
Best,
tectak( I can spell what)

(06-18-2014, 03:15 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 12:50 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  He's a Poet Who Don't Know It (Free-ranging allowed, creative comments appreciated)

He's a poet who don't know it; Have you been reading my crits? Is this a Dylan cliche?No not Dylan; never heard it before.
it's not of relevance to him, You can and should end this sentence here. Why cantilever words. into unstable structures when natural law says that you have made a single point?Absolutely correc.
his pride he thinks to stature win. A sentence; and a good one, if inverted it is. Give it credit.
He seeks a mentor to guide his place
to please his clique, promote his face. Hang on. How does one guide a place? You are enraptured with the poetic amour. Calm down and make sense. He seeks a mentor to secure/locate/define/ assert/ fix...I could go on but I would never say "guide"I would say secure sounds better; but mentors do guide. Having place in this society means you are better; than the common place; which is a putdown to average, perhaps shallow people.
His mind profound but lacking liberty, but me no buts. "and" or "though" would be unarguable. Though is much better. You imply that profundity somehow has an accepted affinity with libertarian thought. I don't.Nothing to do with libertarian thought; it's about his internal ability to be free
possessed to win applause and flattery. Wot possesses?His mind as I mentioned above. Too unclear?
On stage he plied the written words of art,
divided from his self part; a broken heart Wot is a self part? self has many parts; in freud, eg.; sometimes people don't know themselves completely: he'd rather be socially prominent than realize his gifts (psych)
that questions, is he now upon the stage,
or words and heart in life engaged? Dangerously close to gobbledygook. Needs clarity of meaning as this is not supposed to be obscure by intent.Simple, is he acting or being real?

For he's a poet who don't know it.
He seeks to best the common place. How does one best a place? Sorry. I am a pedant.He makes good money; is well known, is charming, perhaps educated
His aging ass would like to grace
a comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, poetic flair. Excellent
For one with practiced wits as he
who casts his nets with subtlety
and care; he tires then ascends the stair
and breathless falls upon a chair; Excellent again
with age, though aspirations debonair. Not excellent Why?
Should he grasp the naked phantom there
and be the poet, and in his glory
smile to know it? Neither excellent nor crap. I don't get it.Should I?The writer has the psych point of view that he will smile more if he engages the gifted side of himself rather than the shallow.

Still, it's buried in his heart apart, AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! Wot is "it"? You do not say. Should I guess? OK. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No. It sings...is it Kylie Minogue? I give up. Wot is it? It's the words, as an actor he has uncommon ability with words.
and though it sings within his head;
he has no ear to hear, but fears to know it. OK. Best I don't know. It is too frightening. It isn't Kylie, is it? He fears not having applause; and his own nature as a poet
Yet, he is on fire within, of life's desires;
but seeking safety he conspires
to trample out those restless fires. The fire word is spreading[/b
With all of everything, his age to doubt,
the decades growing thin without;[b] Forced rhyme. You can't fool meOK, i CONFESS
despite what dims the outer rim, Loretta, I need to talk to you about rims. In private. It's for your own good.You are a nice lady.
his secret treasure hides within, and sadly
still, he's a poet who don't know it.

Well, unless this piece is about Dylan Dementia I have no idea of the point but I think it may be about me. Or Dale. Or Milo.Or Billy. Or..or....
Best,
tectak( I can spell what)

---

(06-18-2014, 03:44 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 03:15 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 12:50 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  He's a Poet Who Don't Know It (Free-ranging allowed, creative comments appreciated)

He's a poet who don't know it; Have you been reading my crits? Is this a Dylan cliche?No not Dylan; never heard it before.
it's not of relevance to him, You can and should end this sentence here. Why cantilever words. into unstable structures when natural law says that you have made a single point?Absolutely correc.
his pride he thinks to stature win. A sentence; and a good one, if inverted it is. Give it credit.
He seeks a mentor to guide his place
to please his clique, promote his face. Hang on. How does one guide a place? You are enraptured with the poetic amour. Calm down and make sense. He seeks a mentor to secure/locate/define/ assert/ fix...I could go on but I would never say "guide"I would say secure sounds better; but mentors do guide. Having place in this society means you are better; than the common place; which is a putdown to average, perhaps shallow people.
His mind profound but lacking liberty, but me no buts. "and" or "though" would be unarguable. Though is much better. You imply that profundity somehow has an accepted affinity with libertarian thought. I don't.Nothing to do with libertarian thought; it's about his internal ability to be free
possessed to win applause and flattery. Wot possesses?His mind as I mentioned above. Too unclear?
On stage he plied the written words of art,
divided from his self part; a broken heart Wot is a self part? self has many parts; in freud, eg.; sometimes people don't know themselves completely: he'd rather be socially prominent than realize his gifts (psych)
that questions, is he now upon the stage,
or words and heart in life engaged? Dangerously close to gobbledygook. Needs clarity of meaning as this is not supposed to be obscure by intent.Simple, is he acting or being real?

For he's a poet who don't know it.
He seeks to best the common place. How does one best a place? Sorry. I am a pedant.He makes good money; is well known, is charming, perhaps educated
His aging ass would like to grace
a comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, poetic flair. Excellent
For one with practiced wits as he
who casts his nets with subtlety
and care; he tires then ascends the stair
and breathless falls upon a chair; Excellent again
with age, though aspirations debonair. Not excellent Why?
Should he grasp the naked phantom there
and be the poet, and in his glory
smile to know it? Neither excellent nor crap. I don't get it.Should I?The writer has the psych point of view that he will smile more if he engages the gifted side of himself rather than the shallow.

Still, it's buried in his heart apart, AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! Wot is "it"? You do not say. Should I guess? OK. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No. It sings...is it Kylie Minogue? I give up. Wot is it? It's the words, as an actor he has uncommon ability with words.
and though it sings within his head;
he has no ear to hear, but fears to know it. OK. Best I don't know. It is too frightening. It isn't Kylie, is it? He fears not having applause; and his own nature as a poet
Yet, he is on fire within, of life's desires;
but seeking safety he conspires
to trample out those restless fires. The fire word is spreading[/b
With all of everything, his age to doubt,
the decades growing thin without;[b] Forced rhyme. You can't fool meOK, i CONFESS
despite what dims the outer rim, Loretta, I need to talk to you about rims. In private. It's for your own good.You are a nice lady.
his secret treasure hides within, and sadly
still, he's a poet who don't know it.

Well, unless this piece is about Dylan Dementia I have no idea of the point but I think it may be about me. Or Dale. Or Milo.Or Billy. Or..or....
Best,
tectak( I can spell what)

---

Hi Tectak: I answered you line by line after your critiques in regular type so you can see it; I might add, laughing, all the while. Thanks so much; so much good advice; are my explanations understandable. Now, I must know about rims? Best, Loretta

---

(06-18-2014, 02:54 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 12:50 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  He's a Poet Who Don't Know It (Free-ranging allowed, creative comments appreciated)

He's a poet who don't know it; -- I would avoid using a cliché for the title and first line. I think you can get away with bad grammar if you're imitating a way some people speak, but I'm not so sure here.
it's not of relevance to him,
his pride he thinks to stature win. --To stature win is awkward. I would never cheat to achieve meter. Always try and make it sound natural.
He seeks a mentor to guide his place
to please his clique, promote his face. -- Whenever you insert A rhyme scheme of AA it will be harder for people to take your work seriously.
His mind profound but lacking liberty, -- You seem to have omitted some crucial words that would hold up the sentence structure.

possessed to win applause and flattery.
On stage he plied the written words of art, -- written words of art is incredibly abstract, and thus somewhat meaningless. The more specific the more the reader knows what's going on.

divided from his self part; a broken heart
that questions, is he now upon the stage,
or words and heart in life engaged?

For he's a poet who don't know it.
He seeks to best the common place.
His aging ass would like to grace
a comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, poetic flair.
For one with practiced wits as he
who casts his nets with subtlety
and care; he tires then ascends the stair
and breathless falls upon a chair;
with age, though aspirations debonair. -- Debonair sounds incredibly forced, because you use simple language and then this pops up out of the blue. Plus, it is kind of a strange word. At least, that's how I see it.

Should he grasp the naked phantom there
and be the poet, and in his glory
smile to know it?

Still, it's buried in his heart apart,
and though it sings within his head;
he has no ear to hear, but fears to know it.
Yet, he is on fire within, of life's desires;
but seeking safety he conspires
to trample out those restless fires.
With all of everything, his age to doubt,
the decades growing thin without;
despite what dims the outer rim,
his secret treasure hides within, and sadly
still, he's a poet who don't know it.

Ok I like you and left you some notes. I'd like to see something a little more real from you, but people do like different things.

---

Hi Brownlie: Thanks for reading and commenting; and time. I never, ever heard the word "he's a poet but don't know it" before. Stature win; I agree; somewhat awkard, I will think it out and try to make it better. I felt like that line about the stage would give away that he is an actor. Debonair is a word I worked for; a contrast to his age and reflecting his desire for status. Thanks again, Best Loretta

---

(06-18-2014, 02:54 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 12:50 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  He's a Poet Who Don't Know It (Free-ranging allowed, creative comments appreciated)

He's a poet who don't know it; -- I would avoid using a cliché for the title and first line. I think you can get away with bad grammar if you're imitating a way some people speak, but I'm not so sure here.
it's not of relevance to him,
his pride he thinks to stature win. --To stature win is awkward. I would never cheat to achieve meter. Always try and make it sound natural.
He seeks a mentor to guide his place
to please his clique, promote his face. -- Whenever you insert A rhyme scheme of AA it will be harder for people to take your work seriously.
His mind profound but lacking liberty, -- You seem to have omitted some crucial words that would hold up the sentence structure.

possessed to win applause and flattery.
On stage he plied the written words of art, -- written words of art is incredibly abstract, and thus somewhat meaningless. The more specific the more the reader knows what's going on.

divided from his self part; a broken heart
that questions, is he now upon the stage,
or words and heart in life engaged?

For he's a poet who don't know it.
He seeks to best the common place.
His aging ass would like to grace
a comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, poetic flair.
For one with practiced wits as he
who casts his nets with subtlety
and care; he tires then ascends the stair
and breathless falls upon a chair;
with age, though aspirations debonair. -- Debonair sounds incredibly forced, because you use simple language and then this pops up out of the blue. Plus, it is kind of a strange word. At least, that's how I see it.

Should he grasp the naked phantom there
and be the poet, and in his glory
smile to know it?

Still, it's buried in his heart apart,
and though it sings within his head;
he has no ear to hear, but fears to know it.
Yet, he is on fire within, of life's desires;
but seeking safety he conspires
to trample out those restless fires.
With all of everything, his age to doubt,
the decades growing thin without;
despite what dims the outer rim,
his secret treasure hides within, and sadly
still, he's a poet who don't know it.

Ok I like you and left you some notes. I'd like to see something a little more real from you, but people do like different things.

---

PS Brownlie: I didn't understand what you meant about he AA Rhyme. I thought The Picture of His Face was fairly real?

(06-18-2014, 03:44 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 03:15 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 12:50 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  He's a Poet Who Don't Know It (Free-ranging allowed, creative comments appreciated)

He's a poet who don't know it; Have you been reading my crits? Is this a Dylan cliche?No not Dylan; never heard it before.
it's not of relevance to him, You can and should end this sentence here. Why cantilever words. into unstable structures when natural law says that you have made a single point?Absolutely correc.
his pride he thinks to stature win. A sentence; and a good one, if inverted it is. Give it credit.
He seeks a mentor to guide his place
to please his clique, promote his face. Hang on. How does one guide a place? You are enraptured with the poetic amour. Calm down and make sense. He seeks a mentor to secure/locate/define/ assert/ fix...I could go on but I would never say "guide"I would say secure sounds better; but mentors do guide. Having place in this society means you are better; than the common place; which is a putdown to average, perhaps shallow people.
His mind profound but lacking liberty, but me no buts. "and" or "though" would be unarguable. Though is much better. You imply that profundity somehow has an accepted affinity with libertarian thought. I don't.Nothing to do with libertarian thought; it's about his internal ability to be free
possessed to win applause and flattery. Wot possesses?His mind as I mentioned above. Too unclear?
On stage he plied the written words of art,
divided from his self part; a broken heart Wot is a self part? self has many parts; in freud, eg.; sometimes people don't know themselves completely: he'd rather be socially prominent than realize his gifts (psych)
that questions, is he now upon the stage,
or words and heart in life engaged? Dangerously close to gobbledygook. Needs clarity of meaning as this is not supposed to be obscure by intent.Simple, is he acting or being real?

For he's a poet who don't know it.
He seeks to best the common place. How does one best a place? Sorry. I am a pedant.He makes good money; is well known, is charming, perhaps educated
His aging ass would like to grace
a comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, poetic flair. Excellent
For one with practiced wits as he
who casts his nets with subtlety
and care; he tires then ascends the stair
and breathless falls upon a chair; Excellent again
with age, though aspirations debonair. Not excellent Why?
Should he grasp the naked phantom there
and be the poet, and in his glory
smile to know it? Neither excellent nor crap. I don't get it.Should I?The writer has the psych point of view that he will smile more if he engages the gifted side of himself rather than the shallow.

Still, it's buried in his heart apart, AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! Wot is "it"? You do not say. Should I guess? OK. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No. It sings...is it Kylie Minogue? I give up. Wot is it? It's the words, as an actor he has uncommon ability with words.
and though it sings within his head;
he has no ear to hear, but fears to know it. OK. Best I don't know. It is too frightening. It isn't Kylie, is it? He fears not having applause; and his own nature as a poet
Yet, he is on fire within, of life's desires;
but seeking safety he conspires
to trample out those restless fires. The fire word is spreading[/b
With all of everything, his age to doubt,
the decades growing thin without;[b] Forced rhyme. You can't fool meOK, i CONFESS
despite what dims the outer rim, Loretta, I need to talk to you about rims. In private. It's for your own good.You are a nice lady.
his secret treasure hides within, and sadly
still, he's a poet who don't know it.

Well, unless this piece is about Dylan Dementia I have no idea of the point but I think it may be about me. Or Dale. Or Milo.Or Billy. Or..or....
Best,
tectak( I can spell what)

---

(06-18-2014, 03:44 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 03:15 AM)tectak Wrote:  Well, unless this piece is about Dylan Dementia I have no idea of the point but I think it may be about me. Or Dale. Or Milo.Or Billy. Or..or....
Best,
tectak( I can spell what)

---

Hi Tectak: I answered you line by line after your critiques in regular type so you can see it; I might add, laughing, all the while. Thanks so much; so much good advice; are my explanations understandable. Now, I must know about rims? Best, Loretta

---

(06-18-2014, 02:54 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 12:50 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  He's a Poet Who Don't Know It (Free-ranging allowed, creative comments appreciated)

He's a poet who don't know it; -- I would avoid using a cliché for the title and first line. I think you can get away with bad grammar if you're imitating a way some people speak, but I'm not so sure here.
it's not of relevance to him,
his pride he thinks to stature win. --To stature win is awkward. I would never cheat to achieve meter. Always try and make it sound natural.
He seeks a mentor to guide his place
to please his clique, promote his face. -- Whenever you insert A rhyme scheme of AA it will be harder for people to take your work seriously.
His mind profound but lacking liberty, -- You seem to have omitted some crucial words that would hold up the sentence structure.

possessed to win applause and flattery.
On stage he plied the written words of art, -- written words of art is incredibly abstract, and thus somewhat meaningless. The more specific the more the reader knows what's going on.

divided from his self part; a broken heart
that questions, is he now upon the stage,
or words and heart in life engaged?

For he's a poet who don't know it.
He seeks to best the common place.
His aging ass would like to grace
a comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, poetic flair.
For one with practiced wits as he
who casts his nets with subtlety
and care; he tires then ascends the stair
and breathless falls upon a chair;
with age, though aspirations debonair. -- Debonair sounds incredibly forced, because you use simple language and then this pops up out of the blue. Plus, it is kind of a strange word. At least, that's how I see it.

Should he grasp the naked phantom there
and be the poet, and in his glory
smile to know it?

Still, it's buried in his heart apart,
and though it sings within his head;
he has no ear to hear, but fears to know it.
Yet, he is on fire within, of life's desires;
but seeking safety he conspires
to trample out those restless fires.
With all of everything, his age to doubt,
the decades growing thin without;
despite what dims the outer rim,
his secret treasure hides within, and sadly
still, he's a poet who don't know it.

Ok I like you and left you some notes. I'd like to see something a little more real from you, but people do like different things.

---

Hi Brownlie: Thanks for reading and commenting; and time. I never, ever heard the word "he's a poet but don't know it" before. Stature win; I agree; somewhat awkard, I will think it out and try to make it better. I felt like that line about the stage would give away that he is an actor. Debonair is a word I worked for; a contrast to his age and reflecting his desire for status. Thanks again, Best Loretta

---

(06-18-2014, 02:54 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 12:50 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  He's a Poet Who Don't Know It (Free-ranging allowed, creative comments appreciated)

He's a poet who don't know it; -- I would avoid using a cliché for the title and first line. I think you can get away with bad grammar if you're imitating a way some people speak, but I'm not so sure here.
it's not of relevance to him,
his pride he thinks to stature win. --To stature win is awkward. I would never cheat to achieve meter. Always try and make it sound natural.
He seeks a mentor to guide his place
to please his clique, promote his face. -- Whenever you insert A rhyme scheme of AA it will be harder for people to take your work seriously.
His mind profound but lacking liberty, -- You seem to have omitted some crucial words that would hold up the sentence structure.

possessed to win applause and flattery.
On stage he plied the written words of art, -- written words of art is incredibly abstract, and thus somewhat meaningless. The more specific the more the reader knows what's going on.

divided from his self part; a broken heart
that questions, is he now upon the stage,
or words and heart in life engaged?

For he's a poet who don't know it.
He seeks to best the common place.
His aging ass would like to grace
a comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, poetic flair.
For one with practiced wits as he
who casts his nets with subtlety
and care; he tires then ascends the stair
and breathless falls upon a chair;
with age, though aspirations debonair. -- Debonair sounds incredibly forced, because you use simple language and then this pops up out of the blue. Plus, it is kind of a strange word. At least, that's how I see it.

Should he grasp the naked phantom there
and be the poet, and in his glory
smile to know it?

Still, it's buried in his heart apart,
and though it sings within his head;
he has no ear to hear, but fears to know it.
Yet, he is on fire within, of life's desires;
but seeking safety he conspires
to trample out those restless fires.
With all of everything, his age to doubt,
the decades growing thin without;
despite what dims the outer rim,
his secret treasure hides within, and sadly
still, he's a poet who don't know it.

Ok I like you and left you some notes. I'd like to see something a little more real from you, but people do like different things.

---

PS Brownlie: I didn't understand what you meant about he AA Rhyme. I thought The Picture of His Face was fairly real?

"l shall be free
no.10" by Bob Dylan. Plagiarist with plausible denial
Best,
tectak

tectak: common place; an American expression that something is common; not rare or unusual; the middle class is common place, it's an expression; not a place; Loretta

(06-18-2014, 05:50 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  tectak: common place; an American expression that something is common; not rare or unusual; the middle class is common place, it's an expression; not a place; Loretta

English or American it is one word. Commonplace.
RIM. Urban Dictionary. Slang. Google it.
Best,
tectak

my Grand ma used to say back in the 1800's, "he's a poet and he doesn't know it; his feet show it - they're long fellows. her great great grandchildren still say it today *rolls eyes*

The actual phrase:

"He's a poet,
but doesn't know it,
yet his feet show it,
'cause their Longfellows!"

The premiss seems somewhat shaky, as though it should be "He thinks he is a poet, but doesn't know he is not."


Dale

(06-18-2014, 06:37 AM)Erthona Wrote:  The actual phrase:

"He's a poet,
but doesn't know it,
yet his feet show it,
'cause their Longfellows!"

The premiss seems somewhat shaky, as though it should be "He thinks he is a poet, but doesn't know he is not."


Dale

true enough - the longer the foot, the looser the iamb.

(06-18-2014, 06:42 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 06:37 AM)Erthona Wrote:  The actual phrase:

"He's a poet,
but doesn't know it,
yet his feet show it,
'cause their Longfellows!"

The premiss seems somewhat shaky, as though it should be "He thinks he is a poet, but doesn't know he is not."


Dale

true enough - the longer the foot, the looser the iamb.

---

Hi Dale: go know, no he doesn' t think he's a poet and wouldn't care if he was; due to his busy and more relevant to him, his social stature. Can you please tell me what you mean by the longer the foot, the looser the iamb?
Do I really need a new title now; just because of Longfellow's feet? Thanks Dale (at least it's not Dylan). Oh gosh, the whole cliche seems backwards to me; wouldn't a common phrase of speech be an incentive for a reader? I've seen the word cliche so much it's a cliche! Thanks for the head's up, new title; REALLY? Best Loreta

(06-18-2014, 06:53 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 06:42 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 06:37 AM)Erthona Wrote:  The actual phrase:

"He's a poet,
but doesn't know it,
yet his feet show it,
'cause their Longfellows!"

The premiss seems somewhat shaky, as though it should be "He thinks he is a poet, but doesn't know he is not."


Dale

true enough - the longer the foot, the looser the iamb.

---

Hi Dale: go know, no he doesn' t think he's a poet and wouldn't care if he was; due to his busy and more relevant to him, his social stature. Can you please tell me what you mean by the longer the foot, the looser the iamb?
Do I really need a new title now; just because of Longfellow's feet? Thanks Dale (at least it's not Dylan). Oh gosh, the whole cliche seems backwards to me; wouldn't a common phrase of speech be an incentive for a reader? I've seen the word cliche so much it's a cliche! Thanks for the head's up, new title; REALLY? Best Loreta

It wasn't dale. it was me. just a dumb iamb joke. sorry, I thought you said free ranging was aloud.

(06-18-2014, 06:34 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  my Grand ma used to say back in the 1800's, "he's a poet and he doesn't know it; his feet show it - they're long fellows. her great great grandchildren still say it today *rolls eyes*

---

Thanks for reading and commenting; oh my gosh, but it's not really a common phrase: what I am saying here is that he is too busy trying to be liked to be interested in being a poet. It was his life as an actor which made
his ordinary speech so literary; and he used that appeal for his purposes; popularity. Thanks for reading and commenting. Best, Loretta

---

(06-18-2014, 05:48 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 03:44 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 03:15 AM)tectak Wrote:  Well, unless this piece is about Dylan Dementia I have no idea of the point but I think it may be about me. Or Dale. Or Milo.Or Billy. Or..or....
Best,
tectak( I can spell what)

---

---

Hi Tectak: I answered you line by line after your critiques in regular type so you can see it; I might add, laughing, all the while. Thanks so much; so much good advice; are my explanations understandable. Now, I must know about rims? Best, Loretta

---

(06-18-2014, 02:54 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  Ok I like you and left you some notes. I'd like to see something a little more real from you, but people do like different things.

---

Hi Brownlie: Thanks for reading and commenting; and time. I never, ever heard the word "he's a poet but don't know it" before. Stature win; I agree; somewhat awkard, I will think it out and try to make it better. I felt like that line about the stage would give away that he is an actor. Debonair is a word I worked for; a contrast to his age and reflecting his desire for status. Thanks again, Best Loretta

---

(06-18-2014, 02:54 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  Ok I like you and left you some notes. I'd like to see something a little more real from you, but people do like different things.

---

PS Brownlie: I didn't understand what you meant about he AA Rhyme. I thought The Picture of His Face was fairly real?

"l shall be free
no.10" by Bob Dylan. Plagiarist with plausible denial
Best,
tectak

---

tectak: really? Dylan? Does this mean the firing squad; and it can never be said again; EVER. OK, you're saying new title; is the poem worth it? Thank, Best Loretta

(06-18-2014, 07:02 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 06:53 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 06:42 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  true enough - the longer the foot, the looser the iamb.

---

Hi Dale: go know, no he doesn' t think he's a poet and wouldn't care if he was; due to his busy and more relevant to him, his social stature. Can you please tell me what you mean by the longer the foot, the looser the iamb?
Do I really need a new title now; just because of Longfellow's feet? Thanks Dale (at least it's not Dylan). Oh gosh, the whole cliche seems backwards to me; wouldn't a common phrase of speech be an incentive for a reader? I've seen the word cliche so much it's a cliche! Thanks for the head's up, new title; REALLY? Best Loretta

It wasn't dale. it was me. just a dumb iamb joke. sorry, I thought you said free ranging was aloud.

Library sign "Talking allowed but not aloud"

tectak( Sorry billy. I can't help myself. Nuff.)

---

(06-18-2014, 07:03 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 06:34 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  my Grand ma used to say back in the 1800's, "he's a poet and he doesn't know it; his feet show it - they're long fellows. her great great grandchildren still say it today *rolls eyes*

---

Thanks for reading and commenting; oh my gosh, but it's not really a common phrase: what I am saying here is that he is too busy trying to be liked to be interested in being a poet. It was his life as an actor which made
his ordinary speech so literary; and he used that appeal for his purposes; popularity. Thanks for reading and commenting. Best, Loretta

---

(06-18-2014, 05:48 AM)tectak Wrote:  [quote='LorettaYoung' pid='167713' dateline='1403030699']

---

---

Hi Tectak: I answered you line by line after your critiques in regular type so you can see it; I might add, laughing, all the while. Thanks so much; so much good advice; are my explanations understandable. Now, I must know about rims? Best, Loretta

---

---

Hi Brownlie: Thanks for reading and commenting; and time. I never, ever heard the word "he's a poet but don't know it" before. Stature win; I agree; somewhat awkard, I will think it out and try to make it better. I felt like that line about the stage would give away that he is an actor. Debonair is a word I worked for; a contrast to his age and reflecting his desire for status. Thanks again, Best Loretta

---

---

PS Brownlie: I didn't understand what you meant about he AA Rhyme. I thought The Picture of His Face was fairly real?

"l shall be free
no.10" by Bob Dylan. Plagiarist with plausible denial
Best,
tectak

---

tectak: really? Dylan? Does this mean the firing squad; and it can never be said again; EVER. OK, you're saying new title; is the poem worth it? Thank, Best Loretta

More to the point, commonplace is ONE word. Good here, innit?
Best,
tectak

(06-18-2014, 07:03 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-18-2014, 06:34 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  my Grand ma used to say back in the 1800's, "he's a poet and he doesn't know it; his feet show it - they're long fellows. her great great grandchildren still say it today *rolls eyes*

---

Thanks for reading and commenting; oh my gosh, but it's not really a common phrase: what I am saying here is that he is too busy trying to be liked to be interested in being a poet. It was his life as an actor which made
his ordinary speech so literary; and he used that appeal for his purposes; popularity. Thanks for reading and commenting. Best, Loretta

Okay, common or not I've heard it an awful lot. Maybe it's just because my family is so goofy - but I had no idea the things we said were so original. I wasn't really saying anything critical about the poem but here, I feel like I owe you one:

So the narrator tells us about a poet who is not really concerned with being a poet but sadly aside from that and the fact that he is aging (aren't we all) we don't really know much about this person as most of the facts are hidden behind poorly formed abstract opinions in mangled syntax.

Quote:He's a poet who don't know it;
it's not of relevance to him,
his pride he thinks to stature win.

I have no idea what "his pride he thinks to stature win" means. Forget grammatical, this is not even English. Moreover, I have no idea why the strange nonsensical diction, it's not even a rhyme, and the meter isn't consistent, so we're mangling the diction, syntax and grammar just to put assonance at the end of the line?

Quote:He seeks a mentor to guide his place
to please his clique, promote his face.

I could see the mentor guiding placement maybe but, guide his place? Well, it does rhyme...

He seems to want a mentor to promote him. Not to learn. Why not just a promoter?

Quote:His mind profound but lacking liberty,
possessed to win applause and flattery.

Normally profound minds are not lacking liberty, so this I get.

Quote:On stage he plied the written words of art,
divided from his self part; a broken heart

I think this means that the words were a part of his very being and writing and performing (?) poetry [maybe he's a rapper] is some sort of psychic division of the self for him, which sounds like typical hokum to me.

Quote:that questions, is he now upon the stage,
oor words and heart in life engaged?

I guess the question here is whether his whole life is just a performance? I have no way of knowing that though. (the answer, or whether or not that is actually the question!)

Quote:For he's a poet who don't know it.
He seeks to best the common place.

Quote:His aging ass would like to grace
a comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, poetic flair.

Finally something I can bite into. Good image, poetic flair is a bit poetic but not too bad.

Quote:For one with practiced wits as he
who casts his nets with subtlety

Strangely we seem to have entered a misplaced fishing metaphor that doesn't fit at all.

Quote:and care; he tires then ascends the stair
and breathless falls upon a chair;

Still some strange diction, but at least we have another thoughtful image. Semicolons everywhere.

Quote:with age, though aspirations debonair.

More nonsense.

Quote:Should he grasp the naked phantom there
and be the poet, and in his glory
smile to know it?

What is this phantom, why is it naked, and why must he smile in order to know it?

Quote:Still, it's buried in his heart apart,
and though it sings within his head;

Whatever it is, heart apart makes no sense.

Quote:he has no ear to hear, but fears to know it.

It seems as though the writer thinks "ear to hear" "but fear" is clever. Rhymes are fascinating.

Quote:Yet, he is on fire within, of life's desires;

within of life's desires?

Quote:but seeking safety he conspires
to trample out those restless fires.

Although I find the idea of conspiring against one's desires facinating, this makes no sense.

Quote:With all of everything, his age to doubt,
the decades growing thin without;

If you have everything, I think it's safe to assume you have all of it. Are we or is he doubting his age, or is he doubting in this age, eh, whatever. Without what, time? He just had all of eveything

Quote:despite what dims the outer rim,

It's probably best that I do not comment on his one.

Quote:his secret treasure hides within, and sadly
still, he's a poet who don't know it.

How sad that he doesn't know that if he works really hard and stabs nails through his eyes daily and struggles without proper hygiene and diet, that if he starves himself and goes without adequate sleep for a very long time and reads and reads and writes and writes and tears it up and starts again with anew nail through the eye he may come out of it with a few lines of near perfection.

Hi Trueenigma: Thank you so much for taking the time to point me to a lot of problems with this poem, laughing, and I do appreciate the sense of humor. I would have to change the title, fix a lot of syntax, attempt to be less abstact:
a) despite syntax would it help to say "with pride he seeks to stature win"b)would change guide his place to "secure his place"
c) the nets are for fishing for praise, acceptance, etc. d)"profound but lacking liberty: haven't you ever met an uptight genius. e)an actor of classical literature; the words seem to have become an integral part of his being.f) his self apart; is his life an act, are all his words an act, separating him from life. g) even aged he want to be debonair.f) naked phantom; the exposed reality of his talent.g) the poetry lies in his heart a secret from himself. h) he doesn't hear his own poetry when he speaks, and would fear it if he did, i) growing old changes everything in life "with all of everything to doubt; aging brings change and doubt. I know about the rim thing now. All in all I do understand your critiques, now the title problem, I'm thinking of deleting this. I have explained my points, and I know the poem should show; and me not explain. Thanks so much for your thoughs and time, really, Best Loretta

Hi, Loretta, please don't delete anything, it is a very interesting thread.

Others have dealt with the technically weak parts that could be worked on if you choose to.

I read it as someone who has the potential for a more creative life than he allows himself. I particularly liked the middle verse.

And I have to put my 2 cents in. When we were kids whenever we accidentally rhymed we'd say "I'm a poet and I didn't even know it."

(06-18-2014, 09:12 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  Hi Trueenigma: Thank you so much for taking the time to point me to a lot of problems with this poem, laughing, and I do appreciate the sense of humor. I would have to change the title, fix a lot of syntax, attempt to be less abstact:
a) despite syntax would it help to say "with pride he seeks to stature win"b)would change guide his place to "secure his place"
c) the nets are for fishing for praise, acceptance, etc. d)"profound but lacking liberty: haven't you ever met an uptight genius. e)an actor of classical literature; the words seem to have become an integral part of his being.f) his self apart; is his life an act, are all his words an act, separating him from life. g) even aged he want to be debonair.f) naked phantom; the exposed reality of his talent.g) the poetry lies in his heart a secret from himself. h) he doesn't hear his own poetry when he speaks, and would fear it if he did, i) growing old changes everything in life "with all of everything to doubt; aging brings change and doubt. I know about the rim thing now. All in all I do understand your critiques, now the title problem, I'm thinking of deleting this. I have explained my points, and I know the poem should show; and me not explain. Thanks so much for your thoughs and time, really, Best Loretta

Why, thank you very much Loretta, for showing appreciation for criticism.

Secure his place would be better prose. Stature win will never work in this century unless you are doing something so spectacular with it that it takes the literary world by storm. Though a bit of an anacoluthon, something like "Age brings change, when doubting everything", would make more sense, an uptight genius would simply be an uptight genius, not a profoundly smart but uptight genius, etc. but if I were you I would set this one aside for a little while (not delete) while you are using what you've learned to work on other poems, so that you can look at it later in a different light. I would expect that you are going to learn a lot very quickly.