Cotton Candy Sheep [Third Draft]

Sullied cotton candy sheep
velvet mouths wake screaming
obscenities sickly sweet

The sound it creeps into daydreams
stick needles picking
unraveling tender seams

Low hides crouch in crawling thorns
doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for dawn

Whispers echo words unsaid
the night is stillborn
rivers run ribbon red


Cotton Candy Sheep [Second Draft]

Silly sullied cotton candy sheep
velvet mouths wake screaming
the bleating is sickly sweet

The sound it creeps into dreams
stick needles picking
unseemingly unraveling seams

Tattered hides crouch low in thistle and thorn
dull eyed, doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for dawn

Silent cries echo words unsaid
the night is stillborn
rivers run ribbon red.


Cotton Candy Sheep [First Draft]

Silly sullied cotton candy sheep
velvet mouths wake screaming
the bleating is sickly sweet

The sound it creeps into dreams
stick needles picking
unseemingly unraveling seams

Tattered hides crouch low in thistle and thorn
dull eyed, doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for the dawn

Silent cries echo of words left unsaid
the night is stillborn
as rivers run ribbon red.

dull eyed, doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for the dawn

Silent cries echo of words left unsaid
the night is stillborn
as rivers run ribbon red.

I thought it sounded nice without the words in bold. It's your poem, you can do what you want, but I almost think the last line would sound good as: rivers run red ribbons. I'm just giving suggestions based on what I thought while reading it. And you have that rhyme at the end doing it your way.

(06-04-2014, 09:19 AM)rowens Wrote:  dull eyed, doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for the dawn

Silent cries echo of words left unsaid
the night is stillborn
as rivers run ribbon red.

I thought it sounded nice without the words in bold. It's your poem, you can do what you want, but I almost think the last line would sound good as: rivers run red ribbons. I'm just giving suggestions based on what I thought while reading it. And you have that rhyme at the end doing it your way.

...are the words 'the' 'of' 'left' and 'as' appearing as bold? Its not appearing that way from my side of the pond. Thanks for the critique, I'm a novice at writing poetry. Oh, wait, I gotcha lol ^_^

That's just something to look at. What words are needed, which aren't, which sound better, which might sound better. The different things to try.

I made them bold, that's all I know.

(06-04-2014, 09:37 AM)rowens Wrote:  That's just something to look at. What words are needed, which aren't, which sound better, which might sound better. The different things to try.

I made them bold, that's all I know.

I thought those words in my poem were coming across as bold in my post, my mistake. What you meant was to remove the words in bold. I misinterpreted this ^_^ Thanks for the advice. I have removed the words in bold and I think It sounds much better now.

I was just saying those are things to consider. Removing certain words. I thought it might sound better if you removed those that I pointed out. If you think so too then maybe I was right.

(06-04-2014, 09:43 AM)rowens Wrote:  I was just saying those are things to consider. Removing certain words. I thought it might sound better if you removed those that I pointed out. If you think so too then maybe I was right.

critiques appreciated ^-^

I think the removed words makes it flow better and it just sounds nicer. I do think it needs more grammar since it not only give the reader time to breathe, it can give certain lines or words more impact.

So you think it needs more lines or changed words? Sorry I am a little unsure as to what you mean, cheers.

Pyxx, You need to post the edit above the original for comparison. I don't know which version was the better now, the original or the edit. I do like a lot of the imagery in the piece. However, as the poem stands there is a lot of redundancy:

screaming/bleating

stick/needles/picking

eyes/eye/stare

cries/echo/words

thistle/thorn...

Additionally, there is a lot of contrived and contradictory abstractions that come off faux-poetic:

silly sullied, stare blindly, silent cries echo ...unsaid, unseemingly unraveling seams, etc...

These don't really say much or add anything. You have fallen into a common new poet trap of using diametric words and abstractions for impact or contrast like: silent scream, deafening silence, forest of nothingness, unspoken word, blinding darkness, etc. However, these are weak elements that distract.

Again, I love the images (like cotton candy sheep). I would focus on them. Good luck with your next edit./Chris

Hi, Pyxx, here's the thread on
how to post your edit. Please read the "Important Threads" for each forum before posting. You'll find them on the page where you post your "New Thread."

Welcome, ella/mod

Hi, Ok great. Thank you for this. I was just happy to find this forum ^_^

(06-04-2014, 09:00 AM)Pyxx Wrote:  Cotton Candy Sheep [Second Draft]

Silly sullied cotton candy sheep
velvet mouths wake screaming
the bleating is sickly sweet

The sound it creeps into dreams
stick needles picking
unseemingly unraveling seams

Tattered hides crouch low in thistle and thorn
dull eyed, doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for dawn

Silent cries echo words unsaid
the night is stillborn
rivers run ribbon red.


Cotton Candy Sheep [First Draft]

Silly sullied cotton candy sheep
velvet mouths wake screaming
the bleating is sickly sweet

The sound it creeps into dreams
stick needles picking
unseemingly unraveling seams

Tattered hides crouch low in thistle and thorn
dull eyed, doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for the dawn

Silent cries echo of words left unsaid
the night is stillborn
as rivers run ribbon red.

Hi pyxx,
There is a good deal to like about this but you do not help yourself by leaving punctuation up to the reader. The use of alliteration can be overpowering and over-used and both failings are made more apparent if the flow is undirected by the squiggly marks...in other words, more meaning, less words.
I have to say that there are glimpses of joy in the piece, that is not gratuitous flattery,
and is largely due to your observational skills. If you see what you see simply write down the words which describe your thoughts...this will not include "unseemingly unravelling" or "silent cries echoing"...no one who thinks like that is still at large.
Once you have a spine, start adding flesh. It is OK to be intentionally abstract or obscure but remember to be convincing...anything which cannot be understood is the fault of the writer in the first instance. After that, the reader begins to doubt the intentions of the piece...rightly or wrongly. Your call, but once you start to explain what you mean outside the poem, you are doomed.
Best,
tectak

Hi pyxx,
There is a good deal to like about this but you do not help yourself by leaving punctuation up to the reader. The use of alliteration can be overpowering and over-used and both failings are made more apparent if the flow is undirected by the squiggly marks...in other words, more meaning, less words.
I have to say that there are glimpses of joy in the piece, that is not gratuitous flattery,
and is largely due to your observational skills. If you see what you see simply write down the words which describe your thoughts...this will not include "unseemingly unravelling" or "silent cries echoing"...no one who thinks like that is still at large.
Once you have a spine, start adding flesh. It is OK to be intentionally abstract or obscure but remember to be convincing...anything which cannot be understood is the fault of the writer in the first instance. After that, the reader begins to doubt the intentions of the piece...rightly or wrongly. Your call, but once you start to explain what you mean outside the poem, you are doomed.
Best,
tectak
[/quote]

Awesome advice, thank you ^_^