You think that this is exploitation?
Who gives a fanny for your thoughts?
A working night a week will keep
the other wolves from other doors.
If you should moan that’s what I want;
it’s your needs, not mine, babe.

You think I want your masturbation?
I’m sure you do, the question is
how much can you afford to spray
before your wife will catch you out
or someone spots you from the street?
It’s your life, not mine, babe.

You think that I’m for liberation?
I’d fuck you for the freedom trip?
I drive a Porsche, my Red Ferrari
never leaves my walled estate;
you and others buy my miles.
It’s your debt, not mine, babe.

You think that you could do it for me?
Ah, let me guess, you’re Super-Man.
I might turn over, baby, try me.
Ask, I’ll show you what you want;
these tits of mine are Super-woman’s.
It’s your dream, not mine, babe.

You think that I’m an easy-rider?
Another Charlene, Trix or Jade?
Maybe you figure I’m excited
and all because you type real slow;
I just get bored, so up the ante.
It’s your time, not mine, babe.

You think that when the show is over
my life goes back to drugs and kids?
Think again, you pop-eyed lobster;
drop your tissue down the pan.
I’ve got it made, you see, I’m smarter;
next time ask for Vagina Dentata…babe.

tectak
2014

No thanks, I prefer mine without the teeth!

I like this. It tells the tale of a feminist cam girl correct? Or is it just a woman who gets a lot of unsolicited explicit texts and videos?

Each stanza talks about a different way in which men try to exploit women and the misconceptions many men openly express. I think that's pretty cool. I like the frank language and how you don't try to pull any punches. The subject matters you are talking about are quite explicit, so I think it is perfect that the narrator is extremely blunt.

There were only a few things I thought could be changed. The Red Ferrari is referring to a vagina, which Prince has already very famously done. It works alright since you talk about a Porsche, but it could probably be made stronger with another metaphor. I also would reconsider the final line, after viewing the film Teeth the thought of vagina dentata makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide in fear.

Just my opinions on the changes. I really liked what you wrote. Keep it up!

This was a good poem, but on this line:

I just get bored, so up the anti.

You probably meant to go with the word "ante"

(06-04-2014, 12:39 AM)Blake Wrote:  This was a good poem, but on this line:

I just get bored, so up the anti.

You probably meant to go with the word "ante"

Bloody good catch! Hoist on my own petard.
Thanks,
credited,
tectak

---

(06-04-2014, 12:32 AM)Jimmy Stark Wrote:  I like this. It tells the tale of a feminist cam girl correct? Or is it just a woman who gets a lot of unsolicited explicit texts and videos?

Each stanza talks about a different way in which men try to exploit women and the misconceptions many men openly express. I think that's pretty cool. I like the frank language and how you don't try to pull any punches. The subject matters you are talking about are quite explicit, so I think it is perfect that the narrator is extremely blunt.

There were only a few things I thought could be changed. The Red Ferrari is referring to a vagina, which Prince has already very famously done. It works alright since you talk about a Porsche, but it could probably be made stronger with another metaphor. I also would reconsider the final line, after viewing the film Teeth the thought of vagina dentata makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide in fear.

Just my opinions on the changes. I really liked what you wrote. Keep it up!

Correct, Jimmy.
My ignorance of Prince's allusions is complete...the red Ferrari meant a red Ferrari
She's an uncomplicated girl!
Best,
tectak

---

(06-03-2014, 11:37 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  No thanks, I prefer mine without the teeth!

Bide your time,Chris.Sans eyes, sans teeth...
Best,
tectak

(06-04-2014, 12:54 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 12:39 AM)Blake Wrote:  This was a good poem, but on this line:

I just get bored, so up the anti.

You probably meant to go with the word "ante"

Bloody good catch! Hoist on my own petard.
Thanks,
credited,
tectak

---

(06-04-2014, 12:32 AM)Jimmy Stark Wrote:  I like this. It tells the tale of a feminist cam girl correct? Or is it just a woman who gets a lot of unsolicited explicit texts and videos?

Each stanza talks about a different way in which men try to exploit women and the misconceptions many men openly express. I think that's pretty cool. I like the frank language and how you don't try to pull any punches. The subject matters you are talking about are quite explicit, so I think it is perfect that the narrator is extremely blunt.

There were only a few things I thought could be changed. The Red Ferrari is referring to a vagina, which Prince has already very famously done. It works alright since you talk about a Porsche, but it could probably be made stronger with another metaphor. I also would reconsider the final line, after viewing the film Teeth the thought of vagina dentata makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide in fear.

Just my opinions on the changes. I really liked what you wrote. Keep it up!

Correct, Jimmy.
My ignorance of Prince's allusions is complete...the red Ferrari meant a red Ferrari
She's an uncomplicated girl!
Best,
tectak

---

(06-03-2014, 11:37 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  No thanks, I prefer mine without the teeth!

Bide your time,Chris.Sans eyes, sans teeth...
Best,
tectak

Ha, ha... Hey Jimmy, you are referring to Prince's 'little red corvette' in that vagina reference. Tom calls them the old gray Bentley.

By the way Tom, I agree with your thesis that prostitutes and porn stars exploit men and I am all for it.

(06-03-2014, 11:13 PM)tectak Wrote:  You think that this is exploitation?
Who gives a fanny for your thoughts?
A working night a week will keep
the other wolves from other doors.
If you should howl that’s what I want;
it’s your needs, not mine, babe.

You think I want your masturbation?
I’m sure you do, the question is
how much can you afford to spray
before your wife will catch you out
or someone spots you from the street?
It’s your life, not mine, babe.

You think that I’m for liberation?
I’d fuck you for the freedom trip?
I drive a Porsche, my Red Ferrari
never leaves my walled estate;
you and others buy my miles.
It’s your debt, not mine, babe.

You think that you could do it for me?
Ah, let me guess, you’re Super-Man.
I might turn over, baby, try me.
Ask, I’ll show you what you want;
these tits of mine are Super-woman’s.
It’s your dream, not mine, babe.

You think that I’m an easy-rider?
Another Charlene, Trix or Jade?
Maybe you figure I’m excited
just because you type real slow;
I just get bored, so up the ante.
It’s your time, not mine, babe.

You think that when the show is over
I go on home to drugs and kids?
Think again, you pop-eyed lobster;
drop your tissue down the pan.
I’ve got it made, you see, I’m smarter;
next time ask for Vagina Dentata…babe.

tectak
2014

---

I was unclear about "type real slow" and "drop your tissue down the drain": it has good sound and your facile use of words is amazing. Loretta

(06-04-2014, 06:46 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-03-2014, 11:13 PM)tectak Wrote:  You think that this is exploitation?
Who gives a fanny for your thoughts?
A working night a week will keep
the other wolves from other doors.
If you should howl that’s what I want;
it’s your needs, not mine, babe.

You think I want your masturbation?
I’m sure you do, the question is
how much can you afford to spray
before your wife will catch you out
or someone spots you from the street?
It’s your life, not mine, babe.

You think that I’m for liberation?
I’d fuck you for the freedom trip?
I drive a Porsche, my Red Ferrari
never leaves my walled estate;
you and others buy my miles.
It’s your debt, not mine, babe.

You think that you could do it for me?
Ah, let me guess, you’re Super-Man.
I might turn over, baby, try me.
Ask, I’ll show you what you want;
these tits of mine are Super-woman’s.
It’s your dream, not mine, babe.

You think that I’m an easy-rider,
another Charlene, Trix or Jade?
Maybe you figure I’m excited
just because you type real slow;
I just get bored, so up the ante.
It’s your time, not mine, babe.

You think that when the show is over
I go on home to drugs and kids?
Think again, you pop-eyed lobster;
drop your tissue down the pan.
I’ve got it made, you see, I’m smarter;
next time ask for Vagina Dentata…babe.

tectak
2014

---

I was unclear about "type real slow" and "drop your tissue down the drain": it has good sound and your facile use of words is amazing. Loretta

Perhaps you should not know of such things loretta
It was the pan (wc) not the drain.
Best,
tectak

(06-04-2014, 02:42 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 06:46 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-03-2014, 11:13 PM)tectak Wrote:  You think that this is exploitation?
Who gives a fanny for your thoughts?
A working night a week will keep
the other wolves from other doors.
If you should howl that’s what I want;
it’s your needs, not mine, babe.

You think I want your masturbation?
I’m sure you do, the question is
how much can you afford to spray
before your wife will catch you out
or someone spots you from the street?
It’s your life, not mine, babe.

You think that I’m for liberation?
I’d fuck you for the freedom trip?
I drive a Porsche, my Red Ferrari
never leaves my walled estate;
you and others buy my miles.
It’s your debt, not mine, babe.

You think that you could do it for me?
Ah, let me guess, you’re Super-Man.
I might turn over, baby, try me.
Ask, I’ll show you what you want;
these tits of mine are Super-woman’s.
It’s your dream, not mine, babe.

You think that I’m an easy-rider,
another Charlene, Trix or Jade?
Maybe you figure I’m excited
just because you type real slow;
I just get bored, so up the ante.
It’s your time, not mine, babe.

You think that when the show is over
I go on home to drugs and kids?
Think again, you pop-eyed lobster;
drop your tissue down the pan.
I’ve got it made, you see, I’m smarter;
next time ask for Vagina Dentata…babe.

tectak
2014

---

I was unclear about "type real slow" and "drop your tissue down the drain": it has good sound and your facile use of words is amazing. Loretta

Perhaps you should not know of such things loretta
It was the pan (wc) not the drain.
Best,
tectak

---

tectak: "pan" sorry. I am never reluctant to learn, or surprised at anything;
I'm all grown up, but for sure haven't been everywhere; I'd like to know, understand, particularly because it's such a good poem. Best, Loretta

(06-04-2014, 09:32 PM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 02:42 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 06:46 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

---

I was unclear about "type real slow" and "drop your tissue down the drain": it has good sound and your facile use of words is amazing. Loretta

Perhaps you should not know of such things loretta
It was the pan (wc) not the drain.
Best,
tectak

---

tectak: "pan" sorry. I am never reluctant to learn, or surprised at anything;
I'm all grown up, but for sure haven't been everywhere; I'd like to know, understand, particularly because it's such a good poem. Best, Loretta

This is a web-cam porn-site liberated female musing and excusing whilst she earns her money by apparently exploitatively (and if that ain't a word it should be) yielding to the keyboard-typed wishes of her watching client...she makes money in her own opulently decorated bedroom, he masturbates in secret in his sad and unfullfilling world and pays for the pleasure. Who is exploited? Tissues are de rigour I am given to believe, following a hot and seminal orgasm...but dispose of your litter sensibly.
Well, you asked.
Best,
tectak
tectak

(06-04-2014, 09:54 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 09:32 PM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 02:42 PM)tectak Wrote:  Perhaps you should not know of such things loretta
It was the pan (wc) not the drain.
Best,
tectak

---

tectak: "pan" sorry. I am never reluctant to learn, or surprised at anything;
I'm all grown up, but for sure haven't been everywhere; I'd like to know, understand, particularly because it's such a good poem. Best, Loretta

This is a web-cam porn-site liberated female musing and excusing whilst she earns her money by apparently exploitatively (and if that ain't a word it should be) yielding to the keyboard-typed wishes of her watching client...she makes money in her own opulently decorated bedroom, he masturbates in secret in his sad and unfullfilling world and pays for the pleasure. Who is exploited? Tissues are de rigour I am given to believe, following a hot and seminal orgasm...but dispose of your litter sensibly.
Well, you asked.
Best,
tectak
tectak

---

tectak: I knew it was some kind of prostitution; but not too familiar with terminology; yes, type slow, now I get it. I think it's the man who's exploited here. So, not at all shocked; adds new meaning for me; and empathy. Thanks, Loretta

My avatar is Lingua in Maxillam.....

(06-04-2014, 10:57 PM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 09:54 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 09:32 PM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

---

tectak: "pan" sorry. I am never reluctant to learn, or surprised at anything;
I'm all grown up, but for sure haven't been everywhere; I'd like to know, understand, particularly because it's such a good poem. Best, Loretta

This is a web-cam porn-site liberated female musing and excusing whilst she earns her money by apparently exploitatively (and if that ain't a word it should be) yielding to the keyboard-typed wishes of her watching client...she makes money in her own opulently decorated bedroom, he masturbates in secret in his sad and unfullfilling world and pays for the pleasure. Who is exploited? Tissues are de rigour I am given to believe, following a hot and seminal orgasm...but dispose of your litter sensibly.
Well, you asked.
Best,
tectak
tectak

---

tectak: I knew it was some kind of prostitution; but not too familiar with terminology; yes, type slow, now I get it. I think it's the man who's exploited here. So, not at all shocked; adds new meaning for me; and empathy. Thanks, Loretta

---

(06-04-2014, 11:08 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 10:57 PM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 09:54 PM)tectak Wrote:  This is a web-cam porn-site liberated female musing and excusing whilst she earns her money by apparently exploitatively (and if that ain't a word it should be) yielding to the keyboard-typed wishes of her watching client...she makes money in her own opulently decorated bedroom, he masturbates in secret in his sad and unfullfilling world and pays for the pleasure. Who is exploited? Tissues are de rigour I am given to believe, following a hot and seminal orgasm...but dispose of your litter sensibly.
Well, you asked.
Best,
tectak
tectak

---

tectak: I knew it was some kind of prostitution; but not too familiar with terminology; yes, type slow, now I get it. I think it's the man who's exploited here. So, not at all shocked; adds new meaning for me; and empathy. Thanks, Loretta

...and on another point, loretta, do you always remember to hit the "post reply" button after you have typed your reply?I seem to need to bring up the posts from you as edits then hit the button for you
...and I am happy to do so.
Best,
tectak

I like this poem for the content and the freshness. Both the idea of porn being an exploitation of men and the casual third person, lust- less treatment of a sexual theme are real highlights.

I particularly enjoyed the rhyming questions that start the stanzas, and i wish that they had been used throughout. However, the first stanza is flimsy. It introduces the subject with too many abstractions, such as the generic "this" and " thoughts", which may reference to anything.

"A working night a week will keep
the other wolves from other doors. "

These lines are confusing. Perhaps she is good enough at her job to prevent other ladies of fortune from cashing in?

I also noted, after several reads, that the poem is a little jarring rather than fluid. This may be due to the weak first word of most lines composed oF, conjunction s and articles.

(06-04-2014, 11:08 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 10:57 PM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 09:54 PM)tectak Wrote:  This is a web-cam porn-site liberated female musing and excusing whilst she earns her money by apparently exploitatively (and if that ain't a word it should be) yielding to the keyboard-typed wishes of her watching client...she makes money in her own opulently decorated bedroom, he masturbates in secret in his sad and unfullfilling world and pays for the pleasure. Who is exploited? Tissues are de rigour I am given to believe, following a hot and seminal orgasm...but dispose of your litter sensibly.
Well, you asked.
Best,
tectak
tectak

---

tectak: I knew it was some kind of prostitution; but not too familiar with terminology; yes, type slow, now I get it. I think it's the man who's exploited here. So, not at all shocked; adds new meaning for me; and empathy. Thanks, Loretta

---

(06-04-2014, 11:08 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 10:57 PM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

---

tectak: I knew it was some kind of prostitution; but not too familiar with terminology; yes, type slow, now I get it. I think it's the man who's exploited here. So, not at all shocked; adds new meaning for me; and empathy. Thanks, Loretta

...and on another point, loretta, do you always remember to hit the "post reply" button after you have typed your reply?I seem to need to bring up the posts from you as edits then hit the button for you
...and I am happy to do so.
Best,
tectak

---

(06-04-2014, 11:08 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 10:57 PM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 09:54 PM)tectak Wrote:  This is a web-cam porn-site liberated female musing and excusing whilst she earns her money by apparently exploitatively (and if that ain't a word it should be) yielding to the keyboard-typed wishes of her watching client...she makes money in her own opulently decorated bedroom, he masturbates in secret in his sad and unfullfilling world and pays for the pleasure. Who is exploited? Tissues are de rigour I am given to believe, following a hot and seminal orgasm...but dispose of your litter sensibly.
Well, you asked.
Best,
tectak
tectak

---

tectak: I knew it was some kind of prostitution; but not too familiar with terminology; yes, type slow, now I get it. I think it's the man who's exploited here. So, not at all shocked; adds new meaning for me; and empathy. Thanks, Loretta

---

(06-04-2014, 11:08 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 10:57 PM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

---

tectak: I knew it was some kind of prostitution; but not too familiar with terminology; yes, type slow, now I get it. I think it's the man who's exploited here. So, not at all shocked; adds new meaning for me; and empathy. Thanks, Loretta

...and on another point, loretta, do you always remember to hit the "post reply" button after you have typed your reply?I seem to need to bring up the posts from you as edits then hit the button for you
...and I am happy to do so.
Best,
tectak

(06-04-2014, 11:42 PM)kindofahippy Wrote:  I like this poem for the content and the freshness. Both the idea of porn being an exploitation of men and the casual third person, lust- less treatment of a sexual theme are real highlights.

I particularly enjoyed the rhyming questions that start the stanzas, and i wish that they had been used throughout. However, the first stanza is flimsy. It introduces the subject with too many abstractions, such as the generic "this" and " thoughts", which may reference to anything.

"A working night a week will keep
the other wolves from other doors. "

These lines are confusing. Perhaps she is good enough at her job to prevent other ladies of fortune from cashing in?

I also noted, after several reads, that the poem is a little jarring rather than fluid. This may be due to the weak first word of most lines composed oF, conjunction s and articles.

Hi KOH,
and thank you for your observations.
I cannot defend myself from your critique and would not anyway so in the fulness of time you should expect some changes.
The "other wolves" are the commonly described variety which are kept from other doors (hers and those like her) by having available sufficient cash.( That will keep the wolves from the door).I don't do complicated. I do hope that your note that the poem was jarring was meant as a compliment
Best,
tectak

I think you are right; and thanks for helping out. Not good with computers, but not excusing, will try to do better, Best Loretta

(06-04-2014, 09:32 PM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 02:42 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-04-2014, 06:46 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote:  

---

I was unclear about "type real slow" and "drop your tissue down the drain": it has good sound and your facile use of words is amazing. Loretta

Perhaps you should not know of such things loretta
It was the pan (wc) not the drain.
Best,
tectak

---

tectak: "pan" sorry. I am never reluctant to learn, or surprised at anything;
I'm all grown up, but for sure haven't been everywhere; I'd like to know, understand, particularly because it's such a good poem. Best, Loretta

---

The fact that this is in perfect meter makes it read like a rhyme; there is wonderful sound and flow. Do you have other hidden secrets of form in here I'd like to learn? And the topic fits everywhere. Best, Loretta

---

(06-04-2014, 11:42 PM)kindofahippy Wrote:  I like this poem for the content and the freshness. Both the idea of porn being an exploitation of men and the casual third person, lust- less treatment of a sexual theme are real highlights.

I particularly enjoyed the rhyming questions that start the stanzas, and i wish that they had been used throughout. However, the first stanza is flimsy. It introduces the subject with too many abstractions, such as the generic "this" and " thoughts", which may reference to anything.

"A working night a week will keep
the other wolves from other doors. "

These lines are confusing. Perhaps she is good enough at her job to prevent other ladies of fortune from cashing in?

I also noted, after several reads, that the poem is a little jarring rather than fluid. This may be due to the weak first word of most lines composed oF, conjunction s and articles.

---

Hi Kindof: one night a week pays her bills in style and she doesn't have to worry about STD's, or other tricks. Lorettta

(06-03-2014, 11:13 PM)tectak Wrote:  I'll give you my two cents for what their worth...

Well it captures a sort of colloquial that I'm not so sure would conform to the reality. This is often the problem with poetry I suppose trying to capture a burst of passion when life is rarely that simple. I would think of tinkering the title and maybe constricting it to a single character's voice.

You think that this is exploitation?
Who gives a fanny for your thoughts?
A working night a week will keep
the other wolves from other doors
If you should howl that’s what I want; -- Maybe Italicize howl

it’s your needs, not mine, babe.

You think I want your masturbation?
I’m sure you do, the question is
how much can you afford to spray
before your wife will catch you out
or someone spots you from the street?
It’s your life, not mine, babe.

You think that I’m for liberation?
I’d fuck you for the freedom trip?
I drive a Porsche, my Red Ferrari -- Her show name may be Porsche.

never leaves my walled estate;
you and others buy my miles.
It’s your debt, not mine, babe.

You think that you could do it for me?
Ah, let me guess, you’re Super-Man.
I might turn over, baby, try me.
Ask, I’ll show you what you want;
these tits of mine are Super-woman’s.
It’s your dream, not mine, babe.

You think that I’m an easy-rider?
Another Charlene, Trix or Jade?
Maybe you figure I’m excited
just because you type real slow;
I just get bored, so up the ante.
It’s your time, not mine, babe.

You think that when the show is over
I go on home to drugs and kids? -- on is a bad way to fill in the meter
Think again, you pop-eyed lobster; -- You seem to do a trochaic thing which is pretty interesting.
drop your tissue down the pan.
I’ve got it made, you see, I’m smarter;
next time ask for Vagina Dentata…babe.

tectak
2014

Well, I'll look at the next piece you write. I didn't see much from this I could really critique. You've got a jaded narrator but it does not seem to capture a truth that many poets seem to poop out in more acclaimed works that attempt to be a vicar for a materialistic wasteland. I think the varying semi-refrain may be stronger as a full refrain so the statement can be fully dissected, but that is just an opinion. I'm not sure how the use of my suggestion would pan out. The meter doesn't seem so bad though. Good post.

I like the way your protagonist speaks directly to the reader, and engages them with questions. It's just that attitude that made me uncomfortable by the end - I've missed the metaphor and stranded on the typing. I'm reading this as by a worker in a pay-for-chat adult site. By the final line I have the uneasy feeling that the whole poem was written to celebrate those final two lines. I like it though, it made me think. I do like the refrain, a sort of regathering after each stanza of thought.

(06-05-2014, 03:08 PM)Brownlie Wrote:  

(06-03-2014, 11:13 PM)tectak Wrote:  I'll give you my two cents for what their worth...

Well it captures a sort of colloquial that I'm not so sure would conform to the reality. This is often the problem with poetry I suppose trying to capture a burst of passion when life is rarely that simple. I would think of tinkering the title and maybe constricting it to a single character's voice.

You think that this is exploitation?
Who gives a fanny for your thoughts?
A working night a week will keep
the other wolves from other doors
If you should howl that’s what I want; -- Maybe Italicize howl

it’s your needs, not mine, babe.

You think I want your masturbation?
I’m sure you do, the question is
how much can you afford to spray
before your wife will catch you out
or someone spots you from the street?
It’s your life, not mine, babe.

You think that I’m for liberation?
I’d fuck you for the freedom trip?
I drive a Porsche, my Red Ferrari -- Her show name may be Porsche.

never leaves my walled estate;
you and others buy my miles.
It’s your debt, not mine, babe.

You think that you could do it for me?
Ah, let me guess, you’re Super-Man.
I might turn over, baby, try me.
Ask, I’ll show you what you want;
these tits of mine are Super-woman’s.
It’s your dream, not mine, babe.

You think that I’m an easy-rider?
Another Charlene, Trix or Jade?
Maybe you figure I’m excited
just because you type real slow;
I just get bored, so up the ante.
It’s your time, not mine, babe.

You think that when the show is over
I go on home to drugs and kids? -- on is a bad way to fill in the meter
Think again, you pop-eyed lobster; -- You seem to do a trochaic thing which is pretty interesting.
drop your tissue down the pan.
I’ve got it made, you see, I’m smarter;
next time ask for Vagina Dentata…babe.

tectak
2014

Well, I'll look at the next piece you write. I didn't see much from this I could really critique. You've got a jaded narrator but it does not seem to capture a truth that many poets seem to poop out in more acclaimed works that attempt to be a vicar for a materialistic wasteland. I think the varying semi-refrain may be stronger as a full refrain so the statement can be fully dissected, but that is just an opinion. I'm not sure how the use of my suggestion would pan out. The meter doesn't seem so bad though. Good post.

Hi brownlie,
I always enjoy your crit and have already made a change. Credit to you. Frankly, the change that I made was based on the only bit-o-crit from you that I understood
"...vicar for a materialistic wasteland"? Hmmmm....I feel another poem coming on.
Very best and thanks again,
tectak