Wandering through the forest
when the rain trickles
down through the trees,

I come to a clearing
where the ferns grow densely
and what sun there is shines down through.
The sight commands a fallen knee and
begs worship of whatever it is that made
the forest and put me here to see it,
as the ferns glow, wet
in the dim grey light.

But there is nothing worthy of my reverence,
no one or no thing that placed me here
or made what I see
that could I call god or point to and say,
“it is you who are responsible,
thank you;” only a world
throbbing violently with life
that will shrivel up and die,
dragging me down with it,
as if it knows
I will remain thankful to
the end.

Hi, I find that the first 3 lines are not a sentence but could be combined as one. I find the point of view as opposites; you talk at first of a creator, then you say nothing is responsible? You have your own points valid to your beliefs I feel could be said more clearly. I am sure you will get better help, and wish you luck, Loretta

(05-30-2014, 03:44 PM)Hog Butcher Wrote:  Wandering through the forest
when the rain trickles
down through the trees,

I come to a clearing
where the ferns grow densely
and what sun there is shines down through. Through ...what?
The sight commands a fallen knee and
begs worship of whatever it is that made
the forest and put me here to see it,
as the ferns glow, wet
in the dim grey light.What is the significance of the ferns? Imagery is good. Pointlessness is not.

But there is nothing worthy of my reverence,
no one or no thing that placed me here
or made what I see
that could I call god or point to and say,
“it is you who are responsible,
thank you;”Cut all this in red. The reiteration, especially in the N own voice, is not necessary only a world
throbbing violently with life
that will shrivel up and die,dragging me down with it,cliche. Also, maybe try a bit of metaphor or simile here; what throbs violently (lose, "with life") then shrivels up and dies? (even shrinks to grip the granite slate.)
as if it knows
I will remain thankful to
the end.

I think it has some promise, but it is an overdone topic so it will need to bring something new. It is well-turned; the turn to thankfulness does bring something new, but it will need a bit more than that.

(05-30-2014, 03:44 PM)Hog Butcher Wrote:   This is the serious workshopping forum. Will you? I ask an unclear question to show you what is wrong with your first stanza. You have not written a sentence UNLESS you INCLUDE the " I come to a clearing..." But you do not. Incomprehensibly you comma your way into another stanza. WHY? It is not purposeful. It is not sensible. It is not even stylistically poetic.
Wandering through the forest
when the rain trickles
down through the trees,

I come to a clearing
where the ferns grow densely
and what sun there is shines down through. A syntactical disconnect. This is appalling sentence structure and not worthy of serious crit. Shines down through what? I come to a clearing where what sun there is shines down through densely growing ferns.
The sight commands a fallen knee and How? Nonsense no matter how you try to explain the line.
begs worship of whatever it is that made Commands and at the same time begs. Nonsense.
the forest and put me here to see it,
as the ferns glow, wet
in the dim grey light. You are observing well but not putting enough effort into your choice of words."as" is simultaneously chronological and exclusive of all other time frames but that is not what you mean.

But there is nothing worthy of my reverence, "but" is a negative dependent conjunction BUT you have made no such linkage. Drop it or move it.
no one or no thing that placed me here
or made what I see
that could I call god or point to and say,
“it is you who are responsible,period
thank you;” only a world If you do not know how to use a semi colon, do not use one. No one will criticise you for a well chosen ommission
throbbing violently with life
that will shrivel up and die,
dragging me down with it,
as if it knows
I will remain thankful to
the end. Like every dog that has its day, this one has a short tail; a weak end.

Imagery is coming. You have good observational intent but you get over active in concept department.Keep calm and think your way through your poetry...read it out loud and if you stumble there is a problem.
Best,
tectak

[b]

(05-30-2014, 03:44 PM)Hog Butcher Wrote:  Wandering through the forest
when the rain trickles Maybe use "where" instead of "when" here
down through the trees,

I come to a clearing
where the ferns grow densely
and what sun there is shines down through. This is nice, but maybe discuss how the light shines through the leaves and branches. Just be more visually stimulating in your words.
The sight commands a fallen knee and Why? Just because of the beauty?
begs worship of whatever it is that made
the forest and put me here to see it,
as the ferns glow, wet
in the dim grey light. This is nice. Really like the imagery

But there is nothing worthy of my reverence,
no one or no thing that placed me here
or made what I see
that could I call god or point to and say,
“it is you who are responsible,
thank you;” only a world
throbbing violently with life
that will shrivel up and die,
dragging me down with it,
as if it knows
I will remain thankful to
the end. This is a nice way to say that the world will go on without you. Maybe try and make this more grand and big though. Really show how little you are compared to the world and the universe

One contrast - and possible contradiction - that struck me about this poem is the simple language and the reverence and spirituality that the speaker experiences. I noticed this most in the second stanza:

(05-30-2014, 03:44 PM)Hog Butcher Wrote:  I come to a clearing
where the ferns grow densely
and what sun there is shines down through.
The sight commands a fallen knee and
begs worship of whatever it is that made
the forest and put me here to see it,
as the ferns glow, wet
in the dim grey light.

Is this purposefully ironic? We're shown a very simple scene, one of the sun coming through and hitting a dense growth of ferns. I can imagine something like it by drawing on memory, but it doesn't make me feel fulfilled, reverent, in awe, or even relaxed to be in the forest. I'm waiting for more. I end up feeling distant from the speaker because the sight commands the speaker down on a knee, but doesn't command the reader down on a knee. Later in the stanza we get something beautiful, the ferns glowing and wet in gray light. But even though you're describing something beautiful it's pretty pared down. The sentences are mostly simple. The voice, the tone of the poem sound very even, quiet. I think one way to get across the main feeling of the poem more clearly would be to try and bring out a sense of wonder and worship just from the description. Describe the forest so we hear gospel signing.

Part of the reason the poem falls flat for me I think is because it's all written in the same even tone or voice, when there are big swings in the poem, a large contrast between the bended knee of the second stanza and the realization in the third stanza that there is only the world. The text of the poem suggests that the speaker bumps down to earth at some point, either when getting soggy knees in the woods or on the walk back home. But I don't feel that bump, that shift myself. It's basically the same issue as in the second stanza. I can get what the speaker is feeling because it's described/shown in the poem, but I don't connect with it … I'm not feeling along with the speaker.

I think a greater contrast between the parts of the poem would help a lot. There are lots of ways to do this: form, sound, tone, the kinds of imagery used, overall word choice. Personally, I'd mess around with the 'level' of language, maybe religious language in the first half and scientific language in the second half. That's kind of happening already, but the effect could be amplified. I might also intensify the imagery in the first half and "gray it out" in the second half. But it's up to you - there are many ways to revise a poem. I think this poem would be a lot more effective if we could swoop up with the speaker at the beginning and fall back down at the end.

One thing I found interesting about this poem was the thoughts about death at the end:

(05-30-2014, 03:44 PM)Hog Butcher Wrote:  only a world
throbbing violently with life
that will shrivel up and die,
dragging me down with it,

This really surprised me, because I feel like the thing that's hardest to deal with, and the thing that often strikes me most as a biologist, is that life will carry on just fine without us, maybe even do better without us. I will one day die and humanity as a whole will one day die too, but the earth will continue "throbbing with life" as if we never were … and while that idea is hard to get ones head around at times, I often take it as a "given". Here the speaker's perspective is so different. It feels bitter to me, but maybe it's not? Maybe it's more tied in to the forest, in a way? Anyway, I think this is worth exploring more - perhaps in this poem, perhaps in other poems.