A Prayer

If I am to have an angel
to watch me on my walk
then let one follow me around
but do not let him talk –
that’s way too schizophrenic!
I confess I’d like to know
somebody obsessive
concerned with me alone,
to know my fleeting thoughts
and musings thoroughly,
to hang on all I do and say
and love me eternally.
Yes, send me someone silent
but devoted, that’ll do,
and when I sense his presence
he’ll remind me then of You.



Alternative with starting trochees (attempt number 2!)


Have I then an angel to
watch me on my walk?
Follow me around he may, but
do not let him talk.
(That’d be like schizophrenia!)
Actually, I’d like to know
somebody obsessive
made for me, and me alone,
hearing all my fleeting thoughts
ever so thoroughly,
hanging on all I do and say
loving me eternally.
Yes, I’ll have someone silent
yet devoted, that’ll do-
when I sense his presence
I’ll then remember You.




Alternative version with starting trochees (first attempt)


AM i/ to HAVE/ an AN/gel
WATCH me/ on my WALK?
THEN let/ one FOL/low me A/round
BUT do/ not LET/ him TALK –
THAT’S way/ too SCHIZ/oPHREN/ic!
THOUGH i/ SURE would/LIKE to /KNOW
SOMEbod/y OB/sessIVE
CONcern/ed WITH/ me AL/one,
HEARing/ ALL my/ FLEETing/ THOUGHTS
EVer/ so THOR/oughLY,
HANGing/ on ALL/ I DO/ and SAY
LOVing/ me ETer/NALly.
YES i’ll /have SOME/one SIL/ently
DEVot/ed, THAT/’ll DO,
WHEN i/ SENSE his/ PRESence
THEN i’ll/ reMEM/ber YOU.

(05-13-2014, 03:54 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  A Prayer

If I am to have an angel
to watch me on my walk
then let one follow me around
but do not let him talk –
that’s way too schizophrenic!
I confess I’d like to know
somebody obsessive
concerned with me alone,
to know my fleeting thoughts
and musings thoroughly,
to hang on all I do and say
and love me eternally.
Yes, send me someone silent
but devoted, that’ll do,
and when I sense his presence
he’ll remind me then of You.

You could try and make it into a chant by starting all the lines with a trochee

good idea Brownlie - I like chants and a prayer poem as a chant sounds appealing. I'll have a play with it. Its still a rough draft. Thanks for the read and the idea.

Marianne

(05-13-2014, 05:35 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  good idea Brownlie - I like chants and a prayer poem as a chant sounds appealing. I'll have a play with it. Its still a rough draft. Thanks for the read and the idea.

Marianne

I think most are actually iambs though....

hi Abu, did you mean the revised version or the first one? I know the first one has mostly starting iambs, but I thought the revision started each line with a trochee - though as I'm still learning about meter I could be wrong. I think I still prefer the first version.

i'd say mainly iambic starts. (in the top one)

(05-13-2014, 03:54 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  A Prayer

If I am to have an angel
to watch me on my walk
then let one follow me around
but do not let him talk –
that’s way too schizophrenic!
I confess I’d like to know
somebody obsessive
concerned with me alone,
to know my fleeting thoughts
and musings thoroughly,
to hang on all I do and say
and love me eternally.
Yes, send me someone silent
but devoted, that’ll do,
and when I sense his presence
he’ll remind me then of You.


Alternative version with starting trochees


AM i/ to HAVE/ an AN/gel
WATCH me/ on my WALK?
THEN let/ one FOL/low me A/round
BUT do/ not LET/ him TALK –
THAT’S way/ too SCHIZ/oPHREN/ic!
THOUGH i/ SURE would/LIKE to /KNOW
SOMEbod/y OB/sessIVE
CONcern/ed WITH/ me AL/one,
HEARing/ ALL my/ FLEETing/ THOUGHTS
EVer/ so THOR/oughLY,
HANGing/ on ALL/ I DO/ and SAY
LOVing/ me ETer/NALly.
YES i’ll /have SOME/one SIL/ently
DEVot/ed, THAT/’ll DO,
WHEN i/ SENSE his/ PRESence
THEN i’ll/ reMEM/ber YOU.

(05-13-2014, 03:54 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  A Prayer

If I am to have an angel
to watch me on my walk
then let one follow me around
but do not let him talk –
that’s way too schizophrenic!
I confess I’d like to know
somebody obsessive
concerned with me alone,
to know my fleeting thoughts
and musings thoroughly,
to hang on all I do and say
and love me eternally.
Yes, send me someone silent
but devoted, that’ll do,
and when I sense his presence
he’ll remind me then of You.


Alternative version with starting trochees


AM i/ to HAVE/ an AN/gel
WATCH me/ on my WALK?
THEN let/ one FOL/low me A/round
BUT do/ not LET/ him TALK –
THAT’S way/ too SCHIZ/oPHREN/ic!
THOUGH i/ SURE would/LIKE to /KNOW
SOMEbod/y OB/sessIVE
CONcern/ed WITH/ me AL/one,
HEARing/ ALL my/ FLEETing/ THOUGHTS
EVer/ so THOR/oughLY,
HANGing/ on ALL/ I DO/ and SAY
LOVing/ me ETer/NALly.
YES i’ll /have SOME/one SIL/ently
DEVot/ed, THAT/’ll DO,
WHEN i/ SENSE his/ PRESence
THEN i’ll/ reMEM/ber YOU.

amI toHAVE anANG el
WATCH meON myWALK
thenLET oneFOL lowME aROUND
butDO notLET himTALK
that'sWAY toSCHIZ oPHRE nic
thoughiSURE wouldLIKE toKNOW
SOMEbo DYob SES sive
conCERNED withME aLONE
HEAR ingALL myFLEET ingTHOUGHTS
Ever soTHOUGH roughLY
HANGing onALL iDO andSAY
LOVing MEe TERnally
YESill HAVEsomeone SIlentLy
deVO tedTHAT 'llDO
WHENi SENSEhis PREsense
thenI'LL reMEM berYOU

Well, I'm certainly not scanning correctly yet am I? I think I'm optimistically saying the words wrong to fit the meter when I scan. And I'm naughty, I don't always read it aloud. Obviously, I need more practice. Thanks for that Milo!

(05-14-2014, 11:06 AM)Mopkins Wrote:  Well, I'm certainly not scanning correctly yet am I? I think I'm optimistically saying the words wrong to fit the meter when I scan. And I'm naughty, I don't always read it aloud. Obviously, I need more practice. Thanks for that Milo!

no problem. Remember though, readers and writers use their ear - you can read and write perfect metrical poetry without ever learning what a trochee or iamb is. Scansion is for analysts to decipher what is/isn't working and why, it isn't really used to write poetry though I understand you are practicing.

Your version starting with trochees is almost perfectly iambic with the exception of the 3 beat feet.

One trick if you want to really write in trochaic is to use all feminine endings as then your ear will correct the beginnings without having to rely on so many choriambs.

all the little babies
love to laugh at silly
Johnny as he drops his
pants and shows his willy

DUMda DUMda DUMda

if you end on a "DUM" (masculine) as you tend to do, your ear will naturally want to fill in the start of the next line with a "da" which sets you up for iambic.

Thanks for the tip Milo. I think it might have been easier to rewrite into all iambic starts, actually, since it was mostly iambic to start with. I may yet have another go.