Hi bb, I'm enjoying this, I've only read it a few times but here are some notes. If you'd like to have this moved to a workshop just ask a mod.
(05-07-2014, 08:54 PM)bbcashdollar Wrote: June Yard Work
Just seven days into summer
yellow sumac leaves fall Love this, fall already.
keep mowing
plenty of grass to cut This line seems redundant, I could lose it.
July at the Lake
sunscreen lotion
everywhere
usedta be
just for the beach
usedta smell
just like sand
August Light
half of this imagined season
seems purposed to remind us, This line feels a little clunky to me but I like what you are saying.
summer's almost over
cool mornings
chilly evenings
dimmer breakfasts
then incandescent meals Love this, I could probably lose "cool mornings chilly evenings", they're just not as interesting.
through May
I saw the indent in the reply, here's how:
(08-09-2013, 12:29 PM)billy Wrote: text space and indent tag
PHP Code:
here [=1] here [=2] here [=4] here [=8] here
gives you this;
here here here here here
or this;
here
here
here
here
Line spacing for the top of a post
PHP Code:
[/] gives this. [/] [/] gives this. [/] [/] [/] gives this, [/] [/] [/] [/] and so on.
gives this.
gives this.
gives this
gives this and so on.
and so on...
Thanks for the read.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
(05-08-2014, 11:29 PM)ellajam Wrote: Hi bb, I'm enjoying this, I've only read it a few times but here are some notes. If you'd like to have this moved to a workshop just ask a mod.
(05-07-2014, 08:54 PM)bbcashdollar Wrote: June Yard Work
Just seven days into summer
yellow sumac leaves fall Love this, fall already.
keep mowing
plenty of grass to cut This line seems redundant, I could lose it.
July at the Lake
sunscreen lotion
everywhere
usedta be
just for the beach
usedta smell
just like sand
August Light
half of this imagined season
seems purposed to remind us, This line feels a little clunky to me but I like what you are saying.
summer's almost over
cool mornings
chilly evenings
dimmer breakfasts
then incandescent meals Love this, I could probably lose "cool mornings chilly evenings", they're just not as interesting.
through May
I saw the indent in the reply, here's how:
(08-09-2013, 12:29 PM)billy Wrote: text space and indent tag
PHP Code:
here [=1] here [=2] here [=4] here [=8] here
gives you this;
here here here here here
or this;
here
here
here
here
Line spacing for the top of a post
PHP Code:
[/] gives this. [/] [/] gives this. [/] [/] [/] gives this, [/] [/] [/] [/] and so on.
gives this.
gives this.
gives this
gives this and so on.
and so on...
Thanks for the read.
Thank you for your response. First, how do I ask the mod to move a thread?
Thanks for your thoughts:
For the first stanza was orginally:
Just seven days into summer
yellow sumac leaves fall Love this, fall already.
keep mowing
Plenty of time left
plenty of grass to cut
What I was aiming for when faced with a glimpse of impermanence (not to go all full Buddhist) was to stay focused, keep working. Originally, the line read like this.
half of this imagined season
simply to remind us,
summer's almost over
cool mornings - I agree. I'm looking for a way to capture the loss, the evaporation of heat after the sun sets as Aug. goes on. It's such a big part of late summer. I keep thinking about this
chilly evenings
dimmer breakfasts
then incandescent meals Love this, I could probably lose "cool mornings chilly evenings", they're just not as interesting.
through May
Just decide which workshop you want it moved to a mod will do it.
For me mowing=plenty of grass to be cut, one or the other would be enough.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
(05-10-2014, 10:20 PM)ellajam Wrote: Just decide which workshop you want it moved to a mod will do it.
For me mowing=plenty of grass to be cut, one or the other would be enough.
thanks again. Do I message a mod or just post a comment in the thread on where I'd like it moved?
Either one, just keep up with the critiques for others.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
