10 years lost.
10 years of heartache
That I never felt.
10 years of desire,
That I never touched.
10 years of mourning,
that I can’t forget.
I will always wonder,
What was lost.
And so I sit here,
And look to you in fear,
What is Love?
Will I wake up in the morning
With my pride intact
Will the wind shift
And leave me cold.
Will this desire
Fade with the sunset
As every night
And every day
Seasons my face.
Will it rain today
When all is forgotten.
Will I have anything left,
When the tears fall,
One by one
Loss by loss.
Will I ever grasp
For another soul,
When mine is fooled
By another.
I look to you,
And wonder.

(04-24-2014, 01:08 AM)Gestalt222 Wrote:  10 years lost.
10 years of heartache
That I never felt.
10 years of desire,
That I never touched.
10 years of mourning,
that I can’t forget.
I will always wonder,
What was lost.
And so I sit here,
And look to you in fear,
What is Love?
Will I wake up in the morning
With my pride intact
Will the wind shift
And leave me cold.
Will this desire
Fade with the sunset
As every night
And every day
Seasons my face.
Will it rain today
When all is forgotten.
Will I have anything left,
When the tears fall,
One by one
Loss by loss.
Will I ever grasp
For another soul,
When mine is fooled
By another.
I look to you,
And wonder.

This is pretty much just a list of cliches and abstractions. There is nothing fresh or original here, no attention to sound, imagery and, most important - metaphor.

This is much more like a journal entry by a depressed teen than a poem imo.

Thanks for posting.

Good luck.

What Milo said. Plus, there is nothing that makes me care about the poem, it reeks of self pity. Of course I think fogglethorpe has a point, with some rearranging (about half of it cut) and put with the right musics it could possibly work as song lyrics, as the bar for such is not set extremely high these days.

Just one suggestion. In the future try and write a poem with a question in it.


dale

cosmicradical

Just a word of advice, the mods will probably not take that as adequate feedback. So in the future you might want to try and comment a little more about the poem outside of how it visually looks, and a vague comment about adding space.

Dale

(04-24-2014, 01:23 AM)fogglethorpe Wrote:  Hello. My first impression is that this has the movement and repetition of song lyrics. A few ideas to consider:

(04-24-2014, 01:08 AM)Gestalt222 Wrote:  10 years lost. Lost how? To what or whom?
10 years of heartache
That I never felt.
10 years of desire,
That I never touched. "desire" is an abstract idea. It can't be "touched".
10 years of mourning,
that I can’t forget.
I will always wonder,
What was lost. I thought it was "ten years".. You could lose these two redundant lines
And so I sit here,
And look to you in fear,
What is Love? cliché
Will I wake up in the morning
With my pride intact
Will the wind shift
And leave me cold.
Will this desire
Fade with the sunset
As every night
And every day
Seasons my face.
Will it rain today
When all is forgotten.
Will I have anything left,
When the tears fall,
One by one
Loss by loss.
Will I ever grasp
For another soul,
When mine is fooled
By another.
I look to you,
And wonder. I like these lines..you could pull it off setting them to music

Thanks for the feedback. I actually have written a few other "songs" before and have thought about writing music, so glad that I'm on the right track in that sense. In regards to the concept of the poem, its about losing ten years of life by not taking a chance on love and then finally having someone in your grasp and being both amazed at the idea of love and how much time has been lost while at the same time fearful of losing it.

Thanks for your thoughtful responses, I will take some into consideration.

Interesting poem, but there seems to be some contradiction in the first lines. You don't feel the heart ache and yet you have 10 years of mourning that you can't forget. If I understand it, you're talking about having been through ten years of sorrow and wondering what you missed out during that time of numbness. Did I read that right?

(04-24-2014, 01:08 AM)Gestalt222 Wrote:  10 years lost.
10 years of heartache
That I never felt.
10 years of desire,
That I never touched.
10 years of mourning,
that I can’t forget.
I will always wonder,
What was lost.
And so I sit here,
And look to you in fear,
What is Love?
Will I wake up in the morning
With my pride intact
Will the wind shift
And leave me cold.
Will this desire - what desire are you talking about here?
Fade with the sunset
As every night
And every day
Seasons my face. - I like this line - seasons my face - good image
Will it rain today
When all is forgotten.
Will I have anything left,
When the tears fall,
One by one
Loss by loss.
Will I ever grasp
For another soul,
When mine is fooled
By another.
I look to you,
And wonder.

(04-24-2014, 01:08 AM)Gestalt222 Wrote:  10 years lost.
10 years of heartache
That I never felt.
10 years of desire,
That I never touched.
10 years of mourning,
that I can’t forget.
I will always wonder,
What was lost.
And so I sit here,
And look to you in fear,
What is Love?
Will I wake up in the morning
With my pride intact
Will the wind shift
And leave me cold.
Will this desire
Fade with the sunset
As every night
And every day
Seasons my face.
Will it rain today
When all is forgotten.
Will I have anything left,
When the tears fall,
One by one
Loss by loss.
Will I ever grasp
For another soul,
When mine is fooled
By another.
I look to you,
And wonder.

Love a word like "seasons" with its multiple meanings. With the 10 years theme (probably would spell out all numbers) running through the poem / song, it serves its purpose well. The poem is just "schmaltzy" enough to work. Reminds me of an old "torch" song from the 50's. I can hear Etta James crooning this or a young Frank Sinatra (e.g. "one by one / loss by loss"...I look for you / .

Work on a decent refrain, work on a decent rhythm, give it to a real music writer and see what happens. I like it. Go through it again...you have questions that deserve question marks sprinkled though out the lines.

(04-24-2014, 01:45 PM)aerickson Wrote:  Interesting poem, but there seems to be some contradiction in the first lines. You don't feel the heart ache and yet you have 10 years of mourning that you can't forget. If I understand it, you're talking about having been through ten years of sorrow and wondering what you missed out during that time of numbness. Did I read that right?

(04-24-2014, 01:08 AM)Gestalt222 Wrote:  10 years lost.
10 years of heartache
That I never felt.
10 years of desire,
That I never touched.
10 years of mourning,
that I can’t forget.
I will always wonder,
What was lost.
And so I sit here,
And look to you in fear,
What is Love?
Will I wake up in the morning
With my pride intact
Will the wind shift
And leave me cold.
Will this desire - what desire are you talking about here? (the present desire, love interest)Fade with the sunset
As every night
And every day
Seasons my face. - I like this line - seasons my face - good image
Will it rain today
When all is forgotten.
Will I have anything left,
When the tears fall,
One by one
Loss by loss.
Will I ever grasp
For another soul,
When mine is fooled
By another.
I look to you,
And wonder.

The idea of the poem is the notion of not having experienced romantic love in "ten years", which in reality would be ever. The poem comes from the perspective of a young adult finally getting a taste of love (and is being written as the author finally finds someone to love and be loved by), and being both elated and blissful with all that it brings, while at the same time feeling a sense of loss, for not having experienced the highs and lows of love (falling in and out of love, memories, picking yourself back up again, redefining the self). Having not had those experiences before, a sense of mortification is felt at the idea that the loss of love will be a truly painful experience, because of not having contemplated or experienced a broken heart before, which the final lines of the poem allude to "Will I ever grasp / For another soul,
When mine is fooled / By another. / I look to you, And wonder." The poem is about mourning the loss of "living and loving" while at the same realizing that this great present experience will soon be lost, perhaps for a very long time, since it had been so long since it got to this point.
.

Thank you for your feedback!

---

(04-24-2014, 10:44 PM)71degrees Wrote:  

(04-24-2014, 01:08 AM)Gestalt222 Wrote:  10 years lost.
10 years of heartache
That I never felt.
10 years of desire,
That I never touched.
10 years of mourning,
that I can’t forget.
I will always wonder,
What was lost.
And so I sit here,
And look to you in fear,
What is Love?
Will I wake up in the morning
With my pride intact
Will the wind shift
And leave me cold.
Will this desire
Fade with the sunset
As every night
And every day
Seasons my face.
Will it rain today
When all is forgotten.
Will I have anything left,
When the tears fall,
One by one
Loss by loss.
Will I ever grasp
For another soul,
When mine is fooled
By another.
I look to you,
And wonder.

Love a word like "seasons" with its multiple meanings. With the 10 years theme (probably would spell out all numbers) running through the poem / song, it serves its purpose well. The poem is just "schmaltzy" enough to work. Reminds me of an old "torch" song from the 50's. I can hear Etta James crooning this or a young Frank Sinatra (e.g. "one by one / loss by loss"...I look for you / .

Work on a decent refrain, work on a decent rhythm, give it to a real music writer and see what happens. I like it. Go through it again...you have questions that deserve question marks sprinkled though out the lines.

Your feedback was valuable! I was unsure of using 10 instead of ten as I thought 10 would be too colloquial as well, sounds like it is. I will make that change. I actually want to get into songwriting as I love music and feel my poetry lends itself to that. And I love Etta James! Glad you enjoyed my poem.