Hey, Robert here (as the username suggests), this is my first post. I'm 18 and I've been writing for 2 or 3 years, just casually. I thought I'd sign up and get some feedback, so here goes...


Calmer Waters

I haven't frozen over in some time

No one's been walking all over me
Nor have any raging winds
Whipped me into the wrong shape

Instead I rest careful and calm
My depths are shallower now,
Far too shallow to drown myself in
But yet, unexplored
By my own admission

Sometimes I watch people gaze into me
And wonder if they guess at what lies beneath
Or do they see their familiar faces on me,
Am I a conduit to what they are?

At night I stir a little
My waves grow restless for new people
To dive into me and drift awhile
I am all too aware of my fish, my own little swimmers
And where they want to go

But this state is better
My stillness is fine by me
Things are better now.

Robert,

Nice freshness.

The line "Am I a conduit to what they are?" seems a bit redundant, and self serving.

Please do not cap the beginning of every line unless it is the start of a sentence.

Outside of those things, this is a fine first effort.


Dale

Hey Robert,

I agree with Erthona on the caps thing. If you just capitalize the beginnings of where the sentences start, it will make the piece flow better when read.

I like the stanza breaks, and I think your first line is a good introduction to the rest. Thanks for keeping the water metaphor all the way through. However, some of the metaphors within this fall flat- for instance, the fish. Good idea, but unclear what exactly these fish are meant to represent.

"Sometimes I watch people gaze into me
And wonder if they guess at what lies beneath"

That's an example of a good, clear use of the water metaphor. The 2 lines after this, however, muddy it (couldn't resist a water pun)

Hope that feedback helps.

Dale,

I see what you mean. I might change it to "Am I *just* a conduit to what they are?"

Ah, I didn't know about the capitalisation - seems I'll have a lot of editing to do...

Thank you!

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(04-22-2014, 07:48 AM)RSaba Wrote:  Hey Robert,

I agree with Erthona on the caps thing. If you just capitalize the beginnings of where the sentences start, it will make the piece flow better when read.

I like the stanza breaks, and I think your first line is a good introduction to the rest. Thanks for keeping the water metaphor all the way through. However, some of the metaphors within this fall flat- for instance, the fish. Good idea, but unclear what exactly these fish are meant to represent.

"Sometimes I watch people gaze into me
And wonder if they guess at what lies beneath"

That's an example of a good, clear use of the water metaphor. The 2 lines after this, however, muddy it (couldn't resist a water pun)

Hope that feedback helps.

Hey,

Yeah, I think I was just doing that because most poems in my school textbooks are done that way - but I definitely think removing that will help it read better, so thanks for that!

Yeah, the fish are a little selfish/inside-joke-esque - I'll try to focus more on how it comes across to the reader in the future.

Ahaha, puns are definitely a sign that this is a good website

Thanks so much for the kind words and the criticism. I really appreciate it!

No problem! I do think you should keep the fish (and not just because the first poem I ever wrote was about fish). Just find a way to show the reader what they actually represent.

Don't worry about textbook poetry! Dive into (pun again) some of the stuff here, I think you'll find it useful when trying to find a caps/punctuation style.

(04-22-2014, 08:06 AM)RSaba Wrote:  No problem! I do think you should keep the fish (and not just because the first poem I ever wrote was about fish). Just find a way to show the reader what they actually represent.

Don't worry about textbook poetry! Dive into (pun again) some of the stuff here, I think you'll find it useful when trying to find a caps/punctuation style.

Duly noted. The fish shall stay!

Good idea! I'll start reading through the material on here - I just hope I won't be out of my depth

Hi, Robert, welcome. Make sure to leave some more meaningful feedback in the workshops so you can participate fully.

I read this as someone on mood stabilizers, or some other method of becoming less volatile, and the little swimmers as the influence of sexual urge. A fun poem, I love a lake.

Here are a few notes:

(04-22-2014, 06:59 AM)Robert9614 Wrote:  Hey, Robert here (as the username suggests), this is my first post. I'm 18 and I've been writing for 2 or 3 years, just casually. I thought I'd sign up and get some feedback, so here goes...


Calmer Waters

I haven't frozen over in some time Try some more punctuation when you uncap those line starts.

No one's been walking all over me
Nor have any raging winds
Whipped me into the wrong shape You could rethink "wrong".

Instead I rest careful and calm
My depths are shallower now,
Far too shallow to drown myself in Love this.
But yet, unexplored
By my own admission

Sometimes I watch people gaze into me
And wonder if they guess at what lies beneath
Or do they see their familiar faces on me,
Am I a conduit to what they are?

At night I stir a little
My waves grow restless for new people
To dive into me and drift awhile
I am all too aware of my fish, my own little swimmers
And where they want to go

But this state is better
My stillness is fine by me
Things are better now. Sad but effective end.

Thanks for the read. Go post feedback for someone else.

Hey,

I like your reading! It's interesting that it comes across that way. You were bang on about the little swimmers

I'll definitely take those comments into consideration. Thanks so much for the positivity. I was scared I'd be ripped apart

Fret not, I definitely will. Thanks again!

(04-22-2014, 08:28 AM)Robert9614 Wrote:  Hey,

I like your reading! It's interesting that it comes across that way. You were bang on about the little swimmers

I'll definitely take those comments into consideration. Thanks so much for the positivity. I was scared I'd be ripped apart

Fret not, I definitely will. Thanks again!

Round here, if people are interested enough to rip your poems apart you're in good shape. They often improve when you put them back together.