I blew a kiss toward the silver sweet
That hung its spotted face
In cooler airs that sound the rub
In darkened gentle space

In calmer times like these I burn
My belly full of drink
Imbibe the chiller air and breath
A moment in this ink

In easy breezes chains that sway
In forming daily airs
Are lost, allowing me to dive
Into the fabric’s tear

Dissecting all my mooring doubts
I find that nothing holds
And leaves me perched atop a brink
between without a soul

Suppose the warring winds are still
At war amidst this meek
And gentle guise of paling day
That masks a torrid sea

I fancy I will Never see
A cease to wrinkled waves
That reach to high cast rocks above
Beyond their grasping ways

Well aside from the first line, which is five feet long,

I blew a kiss toward the silver sweet (I've no idea what a silver sweet is)

the rest seems to hold more or less to ballad meter. Some of your rhymes seem a tad off, but that may be the way you speak them. For me, such as: airs-tear, and meek-sea.

"easy breezes" sounds like a cover girl commercial.

The only other problem I have is that I have no idea who is speaking, and what they are speaking about, other than it's the sea, and possible sailing upon it.

Such lines as the following simply leave me confused:

"allowing me to dive
Into the fabric’s tear"

Overall you do seem to stick with the ballad meter well, although I did not scan every line, I noticed no bumps in the reading, which is all that matters to me.

Best,


Dale

(04-20-2014, 05:20 PM)Erthona Wrote:  Well aside from the first line, which is five feet long,

I blew a kiss toward the silver sweet (I've no idea what a silver sweet is)

the rest seems to hold more or less to ballad meter. Some of your rhymes seem a tad off, but that may be the way you speak them. For me, such as: airs-tear, and meek-sea.

"easy breezes" sounds like a cover girl commercial.

The only other problem I have is that I have no idea who is speaking, and what they are speaking about, other than it's the sea, and possible sailing upon it.

Such lines as the following simply leave me confused:

"allowing me to dive
Into the fabric’s tear"

Overall you do seem to stick with the ballad meter well, although I did not scan every line, I noticed no bumps in the reading, which is all that matters to me.

Best,


Dale

Thanks for your comment. You made some good catches and provided some useful feedback. I'll make sure to return the favor.