1st edit

Introspection Stays Home

“When Rosemary awoke that day,” the storyteller said,
“Self indulgent Introspection lay back a while in bed,
and yawned and stretched and sighed aloud at having to get up.
Rosemary went into the kitchen, filled her coffee cup.
Then she and Introspection went out on the balcony
to catch the morning sunshine and canary melody;

but the bird today was mute, too preoccupied to sing,
for it had grown obsessed with its reflection in the ring
and it barely noticed Rosemary when she came to sit
but fiddled with the mirror and fussed around with it.

Then Introspection sat beside and stroked her on the cheek
and surfaced in her memories of the things she’d thought that week,
and things she had forgot to do while in his arms she lay
contemplating her existence as she’d done every day.

A negative Narcissus disenchanted with her soul
unhappy with the smallest parts, unhappy with the whole,
full of her woeful contemplations, sadly she sat there
then Introspection ran his subtle fingers through her hair.

He showed her the canary, mirror mad and out of song
and whispered “Sweet you’ve been alone at home with me too long,
your pecking at the mirror just won’t change the face you see.”
Then Rosemary went out and found some other company,
said “I’ve grown too melancholy, it really is absurd”
and Introspection stayed at home and whistled to the bird.”





Original

Introspection Stays Home

“When Rosemary awoke that day,” the storyteller said,
“Self indulgent Introspection lay back a while in bed,
and yawned and stretched and sighed aloud at having to get up
while Rosemary in the kitchen filled up her coffee cup.
Then she and Introspection went out on the balcony
to catch the morning sunshine and canary melody;

But the bird today was mute, too preoccupied to sing,
the bird had grown obsessed with its reflection in the ring
and it barely noticed Rosemary when she came to sit
but fiddled with the mirror and fussed around with it.

Then Introspection sat beside and stroked her on the cheek
and surfaced in her memories of the things she’d thought that week,
and things she had forgot to do while in his arms she lay
contemplating her self-image as she’d done every day.

A negative Narcissus disenchanted with her soul
unhappy with the smallest parts, unhappy with the whole,
full of her woeful contemplations, sadly she sat there
then Introspection ran his subtle fingers through her hair

and showed her the canary, mirror mad and out of song
and whispered “Sweet you’ve been alone at home with me too long
and pecking at the mirror just won’t change the face you see.”
Then Rosemary went out and found some other company,
said “I’ve grown too melancholy, it really is absurd”
And Introspection stayed at home and whistled to the bird.

(04-19-2014, 05:52 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  Introspection Stays Home

“When Rosemary awoke that day,” the storyteller said,
“Self indulgent Introspection lay back a while in bed,
and yawned and stretched and sighed aloud at having to get up
while Rosemary in the kitchen filled up her coffee cup.
Then she and Introspection went out on the balcony
to catch the morning sunshine and canary melody;-- While there is some alliteration here the syntax is a little awkward I do stuff like that all the time.

But the bird today was mute, too preoccupied to sing,
the bird had grown obsessed with its reflection in the ring -- I would suggest varying your diction, so maybe find some synonyms for bird. Though it is possible to go overboard with the flowery language at times just as a warning when searching for synonyms
and it barely noticed Rosemary when she came to sit
but fiddled with the mirror and fussed around with it.

Then Introspection sat beside and stroked her on the cheek
and surfaced in her memories of the things she’d thought that week,
and things she had forgot to do while in his arms she lay
contemplating her self-image as she’d done every day.

A negative Narcissus disenchanted with her soul
unhappy with the smallest parts, unhappy with the whole,
full of her woeful contemplations, sadly she sat there
then Introspection ran his subtle fingers through her hair

and showed her the canary, mirror mad and out of song
and whispered “Sweet you’ve been alone at home with me too long
and pecking at the mirror just won’t change the face you see.”
Then Rosemary went out and found some other company,
said “I’ve grown too melancholy, it really is absurd”
And Introspection stayed at home and whistled to the bird.

I'm not the best at critiquing stuff like this, but I did notice you ended a line with it and you have a lot of padded meter with words like "and" which is something I do quite often as well. You've definitely earned some feedback though.

This is a good subject matter. I like the way you personify "Introspection". I like the image of introspection whistling at the bird.
I'm not really sure what the canary represents.

(04-19-2014, 05:52 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  Introspection Stays Home

“When Rosemary awoke that day,” the storyteller said,
“Self indulgent Introspection lay back a while in bed,
and yawned and stretched and sighed aloud at having to get up
while Rosemary in the kitchen filled up her coffee cup.
Then she and Introspection went out on the balcony
to catch the morning sunshine and canary melody;

But the bird today was mute, too preoccupied to sing,
the bird had grown obsessed with its reflection in the ring
and it barely noticed Rosemary when she came to sit
but fiddled with the mirror and fussed around with it.

Then Introspection sat beside and stroked her on the cheek
and surfaced in her memories of the things she’d thought that week,
and things she had forgot to do while in his arms she lay
contemplating her self-image as she’d done every day.

A negative Narcissus disenchanted with her soul
unhappy with the smallest parts, unhappy with the whole,
full of her woeful contemplations, sadly she sat there
then Introspection ran his subtle fingers through her hair

and showed her the canary, mirror mad and out of song
and whispered “Sweet you’ve been alone at home with me too long
and pecking at the mirror just won’t change the face you see.”
Then Rosemary went out and found some other company,
said “I’ve grown too melancholy, it really is absurd”
And Introspection stayed at home and whistled to the bird.

I don't write "end rhyme" poetry so I'm stepping out of my comfort zone here when I say IMHO that some of the stanzas (stanza two, for instance; half of three and half of four) have the necessary "teeter totter" cadence to succeed with the pattern you are thrusting upon the reader. One and Five are sooooo long that anyone with asthma would have a hard time getting through them. EIGHT lines begin w/"and"…making some of this pretty monotonous in tone.

The IDEA of the poem is lovely. I love the use of Introspection personified and by the time I finish I almost have this Cat and the Canary picture in my mind. Things like "Negative Narcissus" and "mirror mad" are fun and make me image all sorts of things w/Rosemary.

Methinks you would make this poem "sound" worthy in your own voice, but at times, I am lost in how to read this in my own voice. It's got rhyme…I need some rhythm.

Hi Brownlie,

I do tend to use 'and' a lot - something I'm now trying to get out of the habit of doing. This is an old one I thought I'd edit with the help of the members here. What's wrong with using 'it' at the end of a line? (I'm not the best at grammar) I agree 'catch the morning sunshine and canary melody is a bit off... but I needed to introduce the bird somehow in that line for the next to make any sense. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Hi Tony,

thanks for commenting, the canary is there as a comparison to Rosemary, they are both obsessed with themselves.


Hi 71Degrees

You're not the first to tell me off for so many 'and's and I try not to do it these days. Too early in the morning for me to attempt an edit yet, but I'll try to break up the long sentences. Thanks for the input


Marianne

(04-19-2014, 05:52 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  Introspection Stays Home

“When Rosemary awoke that day,” the storyteller said,--I do like this as an opening line it sets the tone very nicely, although if the whole poem is by the storyteller shouldn't it close with speech marks also? or perhaps not use speech marks in this line
“Self indulgent Introspection lay back a while in bed,--Introspection is in many respects 'self indulgent' so 'self indulgent could be viewed as redundant here
and yawned and stretched and sighed aloud at having to get up
while Rosemary in the kitchen filled up her coffee cup.--Not too sure about the repetition of up
Then she and Introspection went out on the balcony
to catch the morning sunshine and canary melody;

But the bird today was mute, too preoccupied to sing,
the bird had grown obsessed with its reflection in the ring
and it barely noticed Rosemary when she came to sit
but fiddled with the mirror and fussed around with it.--I like this stanza especially the last line with it's alliteration. The only thing I would suggest to change is the repetition of 'bird'

Then Introspection sat beside and stroked her on the cheek
and surfaced in her memories of the things she’d thought that week,
and things she had forgot to do while in his arms she lay
contemplating her self-image as she’d done every day.--This line feels a bit awkward, 'self-image' doesn't seem to sound right, although it does work as regards the mirror reference

A negative Narcissus disenchanted with her soul
unhappy with the smallest parts, unhappy with the whole,
full of her woeful contemplations, sadly she sat there
then Introspection ran his subtle fingers through her hair--really good stanza, I especially like the 'negative Narcissus'

and showed her the canary, mirror mad and out of songcould start this stanza with 'he' instead of 'and'. 'Mirror mad and out of song' is an excellent phrase
and whispered “Sweet you’ve been alone at home with me too long
and pecking at the mirror just won’t change the face you see.”could start this line with 'this' or 'your' just to avoid the repetition of 'and'
Then Rosemary went out and found some other company,
said “I’ve grown too melancholy, it really is absurd”
And Introspection stayed at home and whistled to the bird.

Hi, I really enjoyed reading your poem and feel that you conveyed what you wanted to say very clearly. There are one or two wonderful phrases that you have used and they really enhance the poem. It's been a while since I've given any critique, so I'm a bit out of practice, so I hope that some of what I've suggested may be of some use. Thanks for the read.
Mark

(04-20-2014, 12:27 PM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  

(04-19-2014, 05:52 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  Introspection Stays Home

“When Rosemary awoke that day,” the storyteller said,--I do like this as an opening line it sets the tone very nicely, although if the whole poem is by the storyteller shouldn't it close with speech marks also? or perhaps not use speech marks in this line


You're quite right about the quotation marks, I'll add them in.



“Self indulgent Introspection lay back a while in bed,--Introspection is in many respects 'self indulgent' so 'self indulgent could be viewed as redundant here

good point but have no better ideas for this line at the moment



and yawned and stretched and sighed aloud at having to get up
while Rosemary in the kitchen filled up her coffee cup.--Not too sure about the repetition of up

i agree its a bit boring I'll think on those lines



Then she and Introspection went out on the balcony
to catch the morning sunshine and canary melody;

But the bird today was mute, too preoccupied to sing,
the bird had grown obsessed with its reflection in the ring

Will change 'the bird' to 'for it' to do away with the repetition of bird


and it barely noticed Rosemary when she came to sit
but fiddled with the mirror and fussed around with it.--I like this stanza especially the last line with it's alliteration. The only thing I would suggest to change is the repetition of 'bird'



Then Introspection sat beside and stroked her on the cheek
and surfaced in her memories of the things she’d thought that week,
and things she had forgot to do while in his arms she lay
contemplating her self-image as she’d done every day.--This line feels a bit awkward, 'self-image' doesn't seem to sound right, although it does work as regards the mirror reference

it was originally 'reflection' not self image which i added because I thought reflection made it sound as if she were contemplating her appearance, not her soul Self-image was an improvement but i agree its a bit weak


A negative Narcissus disenchanted with her soul
unhappy with the smallest parts, unhappy with the whole,
full of her woeful contemplations, sadly she sat there
then Introspection ran his subtle fingers through her hair--really good stanza, I especially like the 'negative Narcissus'

and showed her the canary, mirror mad and out of songcould start this stanza with 'he' instead of 'and'. 'Mirror mad and out of song' is an excellent phrase


good idea - thanks I'll take it


and whispered “Sweet you’ve been alone at home with me too long
and pecking at the mirror just won’t change the face you see.”could start this line with 'this' or 'your' just to avoid the repetition of 'and'

good idea - I'll take 'your'


Then Rosemary went out and found some other company,
said “I’ve grown too melancholy, it really is absurd”
And Introspection stayed at home and whistled to the bird.

Hi, I really enjoyed reading your poem and feel that you conveyed what you wanted to say very clearly. There are one or two wonderful phrases that you have used and they really enhance the poem. It's been a while since I've given any critique, so I'm a bit out of practice, so I hope that some of what I've suggested may be of some use. Thanks for the read.
Mark

Thanks for the time and thought put in Mark, it's appreciated.


Marianne

(04-20-2014, 09:13 AM)Mopkins Wrote:  Hi Brownlie,

I do tend to use 'and' a lot - something I'm now trying to get out of the habit of doing. This is an old one I thought I'd edit with the help of the members here. What's wrong with using 'it' at the end of a line? (I'm not the best at grammar) I agree 'catch the morning sunshine and canary melody is a bit off... but I needed to introduce the bird somehow in that line for the next to make any sense. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Hi Tony,

thanks for commenting, the canary is there as a comparison to Rosemary, they are both obsessed with themselves.


Hi 71Degrees

You're not the first to tell me off for so many 'and's and I try not to do it these days. Too early in the morning for me to attempt an edit yet, but I'll try to break up the long sentences. Thanks for the input


Marianne

I would criticize using it because the last word in a line is more emphasized by the reader. Because it is such an ambiguous word it doesn't give the reader much to think about. However, one may be able to justify the use.

I would criticize using it because the last word in a line is more emphasized by the reader. Because it is such an ambiguous word it doesn't give the reader much to think about. However, one may be able to justify the use. -

Brownlie, Well that makes sense I guess. thanks for enlightening me.