When glass breaks, crack strands move
at speeds up to 3,000 miles per hour

If untouched, seventy percent of a birth
mark will gradually fade away

Father’s dentures in the clear ceramic glass
on his nightstand terrified me

The human eye will blink over four million times
in one year

Death had my father’s attention three years
before he knew it was even possible

In 1967, all the glossy magazines at Ron’s shop
had pictures of smiling, naked women

While Lisa lay dying, father tore like a mad dog
looking for a priest

Four siblings can sleep easier in a small house
than five

Al the butcher always wrapped our cut meat
in the previous week’s newspaper

Sunlight takes 492 seconds to travel 93 million miles;
At times, it just seems faster

At the hospital, my sister was by mother’s side for days;
she stepped out for one phone call and mother died

A Staten Island woman told me in the days following 9/11
pets barked in empty apartments for days

I have loved my wife for 11,315 evenings; even more
those mornings when we were easily distracted

I really love the idea behind this poem, I think it could be really beautiful. At the moment I found it a bit hard to get into the flow of it, I wonder if it is worth playing with the order a bit or perhaps the form to see if the facts and the parts of storytelling can be weaved together a bit more. There are some haunting images in there, the pets in empty apartments for example, that let the reader do the work but other parts where you are doing all the telling for us - the part about the hospital for example, there was nothing left for me to see if that makes sense. I wonder about the first line, perhaps try one of the story lines - Death had my father's attention is the one that jumped out at me. Maybe get the whole thing on post it notes and see what happens!

I have seen a couple similar 'semi-found' poems before. Although the true factoids are sometimes braided with poetic strophes that are more related, I find the contrasting vignettes achieved herein effective as is the switch from tragedy to love in the close. I have a small nit with the 'even more...' in the final line. Somehow the change from frequency to intensity seems off, but it is probably me.

(04-16-2014, 05:25 PM)Stephanie Wrote:  I really love the idea behind this poem, I think it could be really beautiful. At the moment I found it a bit hard to get into the flow of it, I wonder if it is worth playing with the order a bit or perhaps the form to see if the facts and the parts of storytelling can be weaved together a bit more. There are some haunting images in there, the pets in empty apartments for example, that let the reader do the work but other parts where you are doing all the telling for us - the part about the hospital for example, there was nothing left for me to see if that makes sense. I wonder about the first line, perhaps try one of the story lines - Death had my father's attention is the one that jumped out at me. Maybe get the whole thing on post it notes and see what happens!

The poem is in chronological order as it stands, but I do like your Post It notes suggestion. Thanks for the read. FYI: The "pets in empty apartments" is just as much a fact as any fact in there. The woman who told me the story worked across the street from WTC. Doctor told her to stay home on 9/11 b/c she had a bad cold.

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(04-16-2014, 06:28 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  I have seen a couple similar 'semi-found' poems before. Although the true factoids are sometimes braided with poetic strophes that are more related, I find the contrasting vignettes achieved herein effective as is the switch from tragedy to love in the close. I have a small nit with the 'even more...' in the final line. Somehow the change from frequency to intensity seems off, but it is probably me.

FYI: all stanzas are facts, but glad you noticed the contrasting vignettes and the closing.

"even more"...trying to emphasis the shift. It is not you.

As always, thanks for your "small nits"...they help.

Oh I can totally believe it to be fact, perhaps that isn't the right word, it was a more haunting couplet to read because of what wasn't said about the owners of those pets that never returned home. As for the order, it may be that it is best as it is but I reckon these things are always worth a wee play around with on the off chance.

Saw this today and it made me think of your poem:

(04-17-2014, 06:16 PM)Stephanie Wrote:  Saw this today and it made me think of your poem:

url removed.

please send urls via pm or poetry discussion board

Apologies, will do.

I find the coupling of abstract or objective fact with personal fact very effective. There is irony that emerges as true poignancy.

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I find the coupling of abstract or objective fact with personal fact very effective. There is an irony at the outset that emerges into true poignancy.

(04-18-2014, 07:01 AM)Tony Short Wrote:  I find the coupling of abstract or objective fact with personal fact very effective. There is irony that emerges as true poignancy.

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I find the coupling of abstract or objective fact with personal fact very effective. There is an irony at the outset that emerges into true poignancy.

Thank you, Tony. Appreciate the nod toward "irony"…

Welcome.

71degrees - Your words mirror the random events which occur in all of our lives despite their chronology. I started remembering my own. What I enjoyed most was the 'randomness' of the statements and how they eventually emerge as indeed poignant reminders of the chronology leading up to 11,315 evenings of loving bliss. By the numbers, you just can't beat that. Thanks for writing this 71d. Namyh

(04-20-2014, 02:44 AM)Namyh Wrote:  71degrees - Your words mirror the random events which occur in all of our lives despite their chronology. I started remembering my own. What I enjoyed most was the 'randomness' of the statements and how they eventually emerge as indeed poignant reminders of the chronology leading up to 11,315 evenings of loving bliss. By the numbers, you just can't beat that. Thanks for writing this 71d. Namyh

What a nice response. Thank you muchly.