04-13-2014, 05:12 AM
I'm still working out the kinks with stress and rhythm, so I would really love feedback on how it works in this poem. I've read it aloud a baker's dozen times by now, and I feel a solid rhythm to it. I'm also curious what this poem qualifies as, I think it's free verse, but please let me know if it fits into any form.
This is also an experimental poem. Please do express it if you feel that this poem is too much or too preachy. I annoted this at the end with spots I see might need improvement, and as always, all the input I can get will be appreciated. I'm looking forward to improving the quality of this poem with ya'lls advice, thanks! (Loving this workshop forum).
An Unpleasant Poem
Pointless violence in all of its forms
With waste of life its halls adorns.
We who stand erect, above,
Of pity full and full of love,
We humans, we who also fail
To sympathize with suffering wails
Can we let anyone fall by the wayside?
Where most does cruelty strike chords of anger?
When it happens to friends, animals, strangers?
How does one smell the roses, and just enjoy life
When reminded of cruelty, when reminded of strife?
And oh, how cruel actions build up until unbearable;
For every cause a reaction; in this case, it is terrible.
How can we allow this madness to abide?
From the dawn, Abel was murdered by Cain,
From the first, we humans have caused such pain.
Then violence built up to such a staggering degree
And no kindness could be found in humanity,
The world was flooded, sin was washed away,
But violence came back with the breaking of day,
And blood was spilled by the One who is worthy to save.
It wasn't enough. Cruelty has reached an apex.
For here I see violence, viciousness, sex
Predation, and I can't help but feel
That the love of Christ has no mass appeal.
I know that the life of one person can be changed,
But what of the world, and how it's harangued?
It seems God has arisen and left us an empty grave.
Overwhelming is the only word that can apply
To that appalling suffering and that wretched cry
Of the bruised and broken, the abandoned and helpless,
Those alone in their pain, as life seems so hopeless.
But should I feel more intensely for the one or the other,
For the neglected dog or the mistreated mother
Or, is it right to say that it's all equally bad?
Here people are considered morally superior
Here animals are the ones regarded inferior
Yet as people treat animals, so, too, will they treat their own kin.
Without care for the one, in entirety sympathy is broken.
Experiments are done, though, for human well-being
That result in animal suffering, death, and weeping
(If I may be anthropomorphic, they do seem sad)
The “Whys”, one of five “W”s,
Gathers together to examine the views:
Why the emphasis on human charity
When animal care is an equal verity?
Who else can we relate with but with our own species
Why care about animals caged with their own feces
Where is the time to care with human need so rampant everywhere?
Just shoot the animals is one of the replies
When the topic of suffering arises.
How I disagree with such a brash, unfounded statement
As this life for animals is their only escarpment.
Never will animals bask in heaven's light,
Here is the one chance they have at delight.
However, many shall not, and instead endure abuse and despair.
But is it right to focus on animal needs, which are base,
Compared with the glory of us, the human race?
But is making a stalwart stand for no more dead dogs
And saying you won't eat meat from poorly treated hogs
The equivalent of denying humans compassion?
If I focus on animals, what of the human ration?
Surely human needs come first; this is obvious.
From my eyes I see that the human needs are filled
The government and charity both give them meals.
So, then, to my first love I give board and care
Knowing that they will never die unwanted there;
Temporary shelters do exist to keep them healthy, loved, and safe
From abandonment and neglect caused by us, the glorious human race.
Towards animal suffering, I refuse to be oblivious.
What exacerbates cruelty? I can think of one example:
The vain pursuit of wealth, even when funds are ample.
Case in point is county shelters, the “pound”
Where the last barks of lost dogs resound.
If I only had the money, and could accomplish this wish:
To exempt my taxes from this greedy fucking Charybdis.
I dream of fostering dogs from here if only I had enough space,
To write checks for board, feed, and ransom on the life of a pet
If I had the resources: food, shelter, care, play, trips to the vet.
Healthy, manageable pets should not be killed just to save money
If they were resource animals, fine, but this, this is just plain greedy
Pets are friends, they shouldn't be slaughtered after being abused,
They should not be put down after all that they've been through,
Yet so many never know the love and care of the glorious human race.
God does love his creatures, he knows when every sparrow falls
He feeds the deer and the lion, and he knows their faintest calls
He dresses the rose and the wolf in all their splendor and beauty
Then He tells us this, in case life loses all its levity:
Of how much more value is a person than a bird?
God condones humaneness towards all living things,
For every person and animal for the reward that it brings:
To be loved in return, a reward no price can be put upon
And a reward that infuses grace into every bloody dawn.
For by grace we may be saved, if we so choose:
There is everything to gain, and nothing to lose.
I remember God's love for all in His Word.
S1:10 (Stanza 1, line 10)
Is the cliché of smell the roses OK here? I tried to treat it like the cliché it is.
S1:12
I was hoping for visual effect, building up a longer poem until this line is reached.
S1:13
Is “harangued” acceptable here for poetic license?
S2
For stanza two, I want it to read with increasing speed until line 8, slow down abruptly, and then pick up in speed again through the end. Please let me know if it felt that way to you.
S3:10
I'm afraid this line is too long, but I can't figure how to condense such a complicated thought any further.
S4
Stanza four is experimental. I'd appreciate any feedback about where and when this was done before. I could use some opinions about the first two lines here, does the rhyme seem forced? Also, I used poetic license again in line four with that slightly misused “verity”. Please do let me know if you find “virtue” to sound better, I'm fine without having a rhyme.
S5
From stanza five on, PLEASE let me know if the poem gets to preachy or pushy. I need to learn social boundaries in writing. Also, do you think lines three and four seem forced?
S6
I apologize for being crass.
S7
This stanza is the one I'm most afraid of. I don't want it to be preachy, I just want it to be out there. Please tell me if it needs more balance. I'm honestly pleased with line nine, it's my favorite in this poem.
This is also an experimental poem. Please do express it if you feel that this poem is too much or too preachy. I annoted this at the end with spots I see might need improvement, and as always, all the input I can get will be appreciated. I'm looking forward to improving the quality of this poem with ya'lls advice, thanks! (Loving this workshop forum).
An Unpleasant Poem
Pointless violence in all of its forms
With waste of life its halls adorns.
We who stand erect, above,
Of pity full and full of love,
We humans, we who also fail
To sympathize with suffering wails
Can we let anyone fall by the wayside?
Where most does cruelty strike chords of anger?
When it happens to friends, animals, strangers?
How does one smell the roses, and just enjoy life
When reminded of cruelty, when reminded of strife?
And oh, how cruel actions build up until unbearable;
For every cause a reaction; in this case, it is terrible.
How can we allow this madness to abide?
From the dawn, Abel was murdered by Cain,
From the first, we humans have caused such pain.
Then violence built up to such a staggering degree
And no kindness could be found in humanity,
The world was flooded, sin was washed away,
But violence came back with the breaking of day,
And blood was spilled by the One who is worthy to save.
It wasn't enough. Cruelty has reached an apex.
For here I see violence, viciousness, sex
Predation, and I can't help but feel
That the love of Christ has no mass appeal.
I know that the life of one person can be changed,
But what of the world, and how it's harangued?
It seems God has arisen and left us an empty grave.
Overwhelming is the only word that can apply
To that appalling suffering and that wretched cry
Of the bruised and broken, the abandoned and helpless,
Those alone in their pain, as life seems so hopeless.
But should I feel more intensely for the one or the other,
For the neglected dog or the mistreated mother
Or, is it right to say that it's all equally bad?
Here people are considered morally superior
Here animals are the ones regarded inferior
Yet as people treat animals, so, too, will they treat their own kin.
Without care for the one, in entirety sympathy is broken.
Experiments are done, though, for human well-being
That result in animal suffering, death, and weeping
(If I may be anthropomorphic, they do seem sad)
The “Whys”, one of five “W”s,
Gathers together to examine the views:
Why the emphasis on human charity
When animal care is an equal verity?
Who else can we relate with but with our own species
Why care about animals caged with their own feces
Where is the time to care with human need so rampant everywhere?
Just shoot the animals is one of the replies
When the topic of suffering arises.
How I disagree with such a brash, unfounded statement
As this life for animals is their only escarpment.
Never will animals bask in heaven's light,
Here is the one chance they have at delight.
However, many shall not, and instead endure abuse and despair.
But is it right to focus on animal needs, which are base,
Compared with the glory of us, the human race?
But is making a stalwart stand for no more dead dogs
And saying you won't eat meat from poorly treated hogs
The equivalent of denying humans compassion?
If I focus on animals, what of the human ration?
Surely human needs come first; this is obvious.
From my eyes I see that the human needs are filled
The government and charity both give them meals.
So, then, to my first love I give board and care
Knowing that they will never die unwanted there;
Temporary shelters do exist to keep them healthy, loved, and safe
From abandonment and neglect caused by us, the glorious human race.
Towards animal suffering, I refuse to be oblivious.
What exacerbates cruelty? I can think of one example:
The vain pursuit of wealth, even when funds are ample.
Case in point is county shelters, the “pound”
Where the last barks of lost dogs resound.
If I only had the money, and could accomplish this wish:
To exempt my taxes from this greedy fucking Charybdis.
I dream of fostering dogs from here if only I had enough space,
To write checks for board, feed, and ransom on the life of a pet
If I had the resources: food, shelter, care, play, trips to the vet.
Healthy, manageable pets should not be killed just to save money
If they were resource animals, fine, but this, this is just plain greedy
Pets are friends, they shouldn't be slaughtered after being abused,
They should not be put down after all that they've been through,
Yet so many never know the love and care of the glorious human race.
God does love his creatures, he knows when every sparrow falls
He feeds the deer and the lion, and he knows their faintest calls
He dresses the rose and the wolf in all their splendor and beauty
Then He tells us this, in case life loses all its levity:
Of how much more value is a person than a bird?
God condones humaneness towards all living things,
For every person and animal for the reward that it brings:
To be loved in return, a reward no price can be put upon
And a reward that infuses grace into every bloody dawn.
For by grace we may be saved, if we so choose:
There is everything to gain, and nothing to lose.
I remember God's love for all in His Word.
S1:10 (Stanza 1, line 10)
Is the cliché of smell the roses OK here? I tried to treat it like the cliché it is.
S1:12
I was hoping for visual effect, building up a longer poem until this line is reached.
S1:13
Is “harangued” acceptable here for poetic license?
S2
For stanza two, I want it to read with increasing speed until line 8, slow down abruptly, and then pick up in speed again through the end. Please let me know if it felt that way to you.
S3:10
I'm afraid this line is too long, but I can't figure how to condense such a complicated thought any further.
S4
Stanza four is experimental. I'd appreciate any feedback about where and when this was done before. I could use some opinions about the first two lines here, does the rhyme seem forced? Also, I used poetic license again in line four with that slightly misused “verity”. Please do let me know if you find “virtue” to sound better, I'm fine without having a rhyme.
S5
From stanza five on, PLEASE let me know if the poem gets to preachy or pushy. I need to learn social boundaries in writing. Also, do you think lines three and four seem forced?
S6
I apologize for being crass.
S7
This stanza is the one I'm most afraid of. I don't want it to be preachy, I just want it to be out there. Please tell me if it needs more balance. I'm honestly pleased with line nine, it's my favorite in this poem.
