4th edit

Coffee Cup

After you left I refilled the cup
you’d used for your coffee, I didn’t wash up.
I used it right handed, my lips touched the place
where your lips had been. I can still see your face.

Imagined I tasted your kiss on the rim,
my fingers touched places your fingers had been.
Caressing the handle, mouth sugary sweet,
I’m not going to wash it up until we meet.



3rd edit
Coffee Cup

After you left me I refilled the cup
you’d used for your coffee, I didn’t wash up.
I used it right handed, my lips touched the place
where your lips had been. I can still see your face.

Imagined I tasted your kiss on the rim,
my fingers touched places your fingers had been.
Caressing the handle, mouth sugary sweet,
I’m not going to wash it up until we meet.


2nd edit
Coffee Cup

After you left me I refilled the cup
you’d used for your coffee, I didn’t wash up.
I used it right handed, my lips touched the place
where your lips had been. I can still see your face.

I imagined I tasted your kiss on the rim,
my fingers touched places your fingers had been.
Caressing the handle, mouth sugary sweet,
I’m not going to wash up until we can meet.





1st edit


Coffee Cup

After you left me I refilled the cup
you’d used for your coffee, I didn’t wash up.
I used it right handed, my lips touched the place
where your lips had been when I last saw your face.

Imagined I tasted your kiss on its rim,
my fingers touched places your fingers had been.
Caressing the handle, mouth sugary sweet,
I’m not going to wash it until we next meet.


original

Coffee Cup

Love, after you left me
I refilled the cup
you’d used for your coffee,
I didn’t wash up.

I used it right handed,
my lips touched the place
where your lips had been
when I last saw your face.

Imagined I tasted
your kiss on its rim,
my fingers touched places
your fingers had been.

Caressing the handle,
mouth sugary sweet,
I’m not going to wash it
until we next meet.

I'm new at this, so don't feel qualified to comment on the structure or technical aspects. I do love the sentiment; I can imagine doing the same, and your words bring the pictures into my mind.

These are actual lines of tetrameter in accentual verse, broken into two lines. Personally I think it reads easier in tetrameter. It also more easily shows one where a pause is needed. I suspect it may have even been written this way and then broken into two foot lines because it seemed to short. I would recommend dropping the word "Love" from the first line, as all it does is telegraph the meaning of the poem, instead of letting the reader come to it.

"Love, after you left me I refilled the cup
you’d used for your coffee, I didn’t wash up.
I used it right handed, my lips touched the place
where your lips had been when I last saw your face.

Imagined I tasted your kiss on its rim,
my fingers touched places your fingers had been.
Caressing the handle, mouth sugary sweet,
I’m not going to wash it until we next meet."
_____________________________________________________________
There is of course some cliches or near cliches such as:

"I’m not going to wash it until we next meet."

Which echo's a girl saying about a kiss from some teen idol, I'll never wash my face again. However they do not distract from the poem.

I would characterize this as a nice, simple love poem, that generally avoids the pitfalls of most poems of this ilk. The fact this is written in accentual verse and not metered helps it refrain from becoming singsong, as it probably would if written in iambic tetrameter.

Nicely done,


Dale

LVMoose - thanks for commenting - I'm glad you liked it.

(04-14-2014, 03:25 AM)Erthona Wrote:  These are actual lines of tetrameter in accentual verse, broken into two lines. Personally I think it reads easier in tetrameter. It also more easily shows one where a pause is needed. I suspect it may have even been written this way and then broken into two foot lines because it seemed to short. I would recommend dropping the word "Love" from the first line, as all it does is telegraph the meaning of the poem, instead of letting the reader come to it.

"Love, after you left me I refilled the cup
you’d used for your coffee, I didn’t wash up.
I used it right handed, my lips touched the place
where your lips had been when I last saw your face.

Imagined I tasted your kiss on its rim,
my fingers touched places your fingers had been.
Caressing the handle, mouth sugary sweet,
I’m not going to wash it until we next meet."
_____________________________________________________________
There is of course some cliches or near cliches such as:

"I’m not going to wash it until we next meet."

Which echo's a girl saying about a kiss from some teen idol, I'll never wash my face again. However they do not distract from the poem.

I would characterize this as a nice, simple love poem, that generally avoids the pitfalls of most poems of this ilk. The fact this is written in accentual verse and not metered helps it refrain from becoming singsong, as it probably would if written in iambic tetrameter.

Nicely done,


Dale

Hello Dale, thanks for having a look at this. I added Love to even out the syllable count - it wasn't there originally and I don't like it there either but without it the line is short. I'll have to think about it. I wasn't sure about 'when I last saw your face' either - sounded cliched to me but it fitted the rhyme. It does read better laid out as you have done it, don't know why I didn't do it that way to start with. Glad you liked it, thanks again for your comments.


Marianne

Without "Love" it still has four accents.

after you left me I refilled the cup

you’d used for your coffee, I didn’t wash up.

I used it right handed, my lips touched the place

Sorry, I guess this is in anapest. Still it reads fine without "Love", at least to me.

Dale

(04-14-2014, 04:18 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Without "Love" it still has four accents.

after you left me I refilled the cup

you’d used for your coffee, I didn’t wash up.

I used it right handed, my lips touched the place

Sorry, I guess this is in anapest. Still it reads fine without "Love", at least to me.

Dale

Right-e-o I'll drop it then.... didn't like it there anyhow. Ta for that!

(04-12-2014, 01:56 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  1st edit


Coffee Cup

After you left me I refilled the cup
you’d used for your coffee, I didn’t wash up.
I used it right handed, my lips touched the place
where your lips had been when I last saw your face.

Imagined I tasted your kiss on its rim,
my fingers touched places your fingers had been.
Caressing the handle, mouth sugary sweet,
I’m not going to wash it until we next meet.


original

Coffee Cup

Love, after you left me
I refilled the cup
you’d used for your coffee,
I didn’t wash up.

I used it right handed,
my lips touched the place
where your lips had been
when I last saw your face.

Imagined I tasted
your kiss on its rim,
my fingers touched places
your fingers had been.

Caressing the handle,
mouth sugary sweet,
I’m not going to wash it
until we next meet.

Hi mop,
All that has been said on this one is justifiably encouraging and you can be pleased with it. I do not have an overactive sense of humour but can still read a piece and enjoy my own sorties into the land of the sublimely rudiculous...so bear with me, this is more about me than you.

After you left me I refilled the cup
you’d used for your coffee, I didn’t wash up.
I used it right handed, my lips touched the place
where your lips had been when I last saw your face. The simple rhyme is natural talk and in that sense does not warrant the cry of forced...so fine; but image wise, and this is me, the obscuration of "the" face with with a large coffee cup has a comedic impact which you do not want. Where were his lips when you last saw them? Er, just below his nose, but I can't be sure because a coffee cup was in the way.Alternatives are gratuitous but:
...where your lips had been. I can still see your face.

So isolating the probable location of the errant lips from the dependency of time.

Imagined I tasted your kiss on its rim, Ah, the old traditional kiss on one's rim Tell me this is not tongue in cheek...or anywhere else for that matter. Modified but your poem:
I imagined I tasted your kiss on THE rim
my fingers touched places your fingers had been. Do I need to say anything? Masturbationary musings may not be taking this where you want it to go. I say again, this is my mischief, not yours. Or is it?
Caressing the handle, mouth sugary sweet,
I’m not going to wash it until we next meet. Yahooo! This takes the biscuit. Where to start? Symbolic handle? With your sweet mouth? Billy where are you? Holy halitosis, no mouthwashing for a week? You are killing me...and everyone else...or is it me?
Very best,
tectak

Hi mop,
All that has been said on this one is justifiably encouraging and you can be pleased with it. I do not have an overactive sense of humour but can still read a piece and enjoy my own sorties into the land of the sublimely rudiculous...so bear with me, this is more about me than you.

After you left me I refilled the cup
you’d used for your coffee, I didn’t wash up.
I used it right handed, my lips touched the place
where your lips had been when I last saw your face. The simple rhyme is natural talk and in that sense does not warrant the cry of forced...so fine; but image wise, and this is me, the obscuration of "the" face with with a large coffee cup has a comedic impact which you do not want. Where were his lips when you last saw them? Er, just below his nose, but I can't be sure because a coffee cup was in the way.Alternatives are gratuitous but:
...where your lips had been. I can still see your face.

So isolating the probable location of the errant lips from the dependency of time.

Imagined I tasted your kiss on its rim, Ah, the old traditional kiss on one's rim Tell me this is not tongue in cheek...or anywhere else for that matter. Modified but your poem:
I imagined I tasted your kiss on THE rim
my fingers touched places your fingers had been. Do I need to say anything? Masturbationary musings may not be taking this where you want it to go. I say again, this is my mischief, not yours. Or is it?
Caressing the handle, mouth sugary sweet,
I’m not going to wash it until we next meet. Yahooo! This takes the biscuit. Where to start? Symbolic handle? With your sweet mouth? Billy where are you? Holy halitosis, no mouthwashing for a week? You are killing me...and everyone else...or is it me?
Very best,
tectak
[/quote]

Hi Tectak - thanks for taking a look at this. It is a cheeky poem intentionally, though you've pointed out the vague last line, which is meant to reference the cup not the mouth - dunno what to do to make it more clear.... I've taken your suggestions - thank you very much - didn't realize I'd misplaced his mouth.... silly me.

most effusive thanks to you



Marianne

i had a problem with the last line of the latest edit.

I’m not going to wash it until we next meet.

it feels yoderish. or that next is filler for meter's sake which makes it feel forced. a suggestion would be [until we can meet] or [unless we can meet]

hi billy- now that i read it it does sound like Yoda - thanks for your suggestions to fix it- I'll take the first one and edit it again.

ta muchly

Marianne

in truth you could do away with can or next as really they feel redundant

---

though maybe see what others think first

Wouldn't that bugger up the rhythm? It'd be another line that's short a syllable (the first is short too) Would that matter? Changed 'it' to 'up' to clarify the cup not the mouth is being referred to.

EDIT_ just changed the last line again...

I love it! I'm all about that sappy shit anyway lol esp loved that 5th line "I imagined I tasted your kiss on the rim" It's actually unique in the love it describes, you wrote from the angle of a matured, comfortable and familiar love, something that develops over time, a seasoned love, the flavors therein have had a chance to deepen, its not the sugar of intimate passion, nor is it the wine of aged doting dotage, but instead it's... well... coffee lol morning ritual in relationships is as much a part of it as anything else, and to still find appreciation for your partner in the mornings, (my girl had a hard time with me in mornings lol, i'm not a morning person at all, but the rhythm of our mornings and the frequency that morning perturbs one's sleep makes it ritual lol) says that your love is very much alive, it hasn't reached a stagnant place... so much one can see into your life with these 8 simple lines... great poem... I'm not sure about the metering... when i count my syllables i usually count the I's, but perfectly metered or not, still a great feeling to find oneself in the midst of

Hi JakMak I wrote this about someone I was briefly infatuated with - who I'd never kissed (and never ended up kissing - the attraction wore off quickly) so It didn't occur to me it could be taken to be about a more seasoned love... as its been pointed out it's all a bit vague anyhow... still I enjoyed writing it, and I'm glad you enjoyed the result.


Marianne

(04-17-2014, 03:40 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  Hi JakMak I wrote this about someone I was briefly infatuated with - who I'd never kissed (and never ended up kissing - the attraction wore off quickly) so It didn't occur to me it could be taken to be about a more seasoned love... as its been pointed out it's all a bit vague anyhow... still I enjoyed writing it, and I'm glad you enjoyed the result.


Marianne

I think it's the "me" in the first line that gives the impression of a longer relationship.

"After you left me I refilled the cup"
"After you left I refilled the cup"

Two different things to me, not that I think you need to change your poem if it's not important to you, sometimes it's interesting for a poem to be taken as other than it was intended.

(04-17-2014, 09:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  

(04-17-2014, 03:40 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  Hi JakMak I wrote this about someone I was briefly infatuated with - who I'd never kissed (and never ended up kissing - the attraction wore off quickly) so It didn't occur to me it could be taken to be about a more seasoned love... as its been pointed out it's all a bit vague anyhow... still I enjoyed writing it, and I'm glad you enjoyed the result.


Marianne

I think it's the "me" in the first line that gives the impression of a longer relationship.

"After you left me I refilled the cup"
"After you left I refilled the cup"

Two different things to me, not that I think you need to change your poem if it's not important to you, sometimes it's interesting for a poem to be taken as other than it was intended.

I read the "me" as indicating he wasn't coming back. "After you left" - after you left the house, "After you left me" - after you left the relationship.

hi ellajam and milo

the 'me' wasn't there when I first wrote it - i edited it in before i posted to even out the syllables - i see what you mean about the shift of meaning with it's insertion - now I think I'll take it out again and to hell with even lines.

thanks for the look


Marianne

Coffee Cup

After you left I refilled the cup
you’d used for your coffee, I didn’t wash up.
I used it right handed, my lips touched the place
where your lips had been. I can still see your face.

Imagined I tasted your kiss on the rim,
my fingers touched places your fingers had been.
Caressing the handle, mouth sugary sweet,
I’m not going to wash it up until we meet.

Great job! This was a pleasant read, and I wouldn't worry about the cliche's, sometimes there's no other way, its very sentimental without being overly dramatic.

Thanks for reading and commenting Gestalt, glad you liked it.