Trapped like a coursing hare
Twisting on nerves
Hounds in pursuit
Mirroring the swerves
To rip out his bowels, to spill his blood
To end his reign as they should

The crowd bays “It’s an honest days work”
The hounds know they will not shirk
If he makes the thicket
He lives another day,
Will the hounds make it easy?
It’s not their way!

Weaving and rolling, pounding, pushing
Forward he goes
Life flashes past
Will his death be the last?
Deed to this day?

The thicket beckons
Bramble, gorse and broom
Dew on the grass
It can’t come to soon

The well dressed moles
Scuttle through their sheltered burrows,
Oblivious to the pending carnage
“No lines on their furrows”

The crowd yells if blood is spilt
Let's not fault the baying hounds,
For the hare chose this field to fit
On its daily rounds.

The ground drums to the pounding feet
The man rises from his seat
He senses the end
There’s no escape for this fleeting friend

Once revered throughout this land
Like values of old
Too rich to be sold

But now its open season
From politicians and their twisted reason
All for the sake of a little spin
That’s why Joe soap
Is in the ### that he’s in

A Nanny State that drowns the babe on its teat
Then wants it to stand on its own two feet
The family values that it holds so proud
It rips apart in front of the baying crowd

What do you think about the last lines of each stanza? Some of them seem added on, almost separate from the rest of the stanza. Was that your intention?

First thank you for your comments.
The last line on the second and third stanza were intentional as I felt these would be voiced with a trailing off to almost a whisper. I think on the third stanza, it shouldn't be a question mark. I am also not sure about the structure of the first and second "should they be split into three, or joined into one?"
My punctuation amongst many other things is suspect too! As to the other "last lines" could you perhaps point out ones you felt were added on. Again, thank you.

To end his reign as they should

It can’t come too soon


Any lines that feel like pointless interjections.

hi chris, a suggestion would be to strip anything away anything you've said in another way. look out for cliche, it's almost always your enemy.
you can swear on this site so no need for ###
if it's coursing i'm not sure there would be seats and if it at the track it would be a real hare.

(03-21-2014, 11:48 PM)rowens Wrote:  To end his reign as they should

It can’t come too soon


Any lines that feel like pointless interjections.

Thank you Rowens, I will go away and try and rework it.

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(03-22-2014, 12:01 AM)billy Wrote:  hi chris, a suggestion would be to strip anything away anything you've said in another way. look out for cliche, it's almost always your enemy.
you can swear on this site so no need for ###
if it's coursing i'm not sure there would be seats and if it at the track it would be a real hare.

Billy, thanks for your comments, read, read, read!! My homework!nI do have problems understanding syntax and structure in language, I am either a bit thick or possibly slightly dyslexic (probably the former) so I don't know how far I can improve.
Then I'll try and rework it!
The hare was coursing and I was thinking of a "seat on a stick" or a stone wall, obviously not a row of seats.