Just kidding on the kid part, mid-thirties guy here :Þ I just started writing poetry a bit over a year ago when I popped open some sort of mysterious flood gate within me.

I'm not sure if I hope to take it beyond a hobbyist depth of the art, but regardless, I earnestly want to improve my writing skill as much as I'm able. The harsher the criticism the better in my opinion; I know I'm not posting my work here for praise, adoration, to find others able to relate, or any of that other fuzzy crap that blocks the path toward perfection.

Without further ado, my poem called "My Prize", why that I wish I knew...


Eyes on the redeemer
Of thee,
Thou Isis reliever
Blow free.

When hammer call
Don't stall,
Ask and ye shall
Not fall.

Lilith, my zenith
Begin with
Thy war, ever more
On the whore

Of pride and sight.
Thy eye
Full of dark might
To scry

The time a pill swallowed,
Followed
By no pyramid owed,
Hollowed

Of distrust and lust
That must
Now need lead through breeze.
At ease

My love, tomorrow of
Above
White wings a new black moon.
To swoon

With light ever more,
My chore
To settle the score
Of war,

Tearing away feathers
Of dreams,
Wearing away heathers.
Sight keen

Behind thy sight,
No light.
The fright at night
Stretched tight

Above black seams
I love
I clip for dreams
Of dove.

Alight from below,
Redeemed,
Mirrored flight to show
Between

The lines of here and then
Not when
Words cursed the ground with bait
And hate

For what had to be
And seen.
Before I knew it,
Blew it -

The undertow son
That's won -
And soon cease to shun
Amun

Ra or Shah or God
To yod
Point transcending one
Black sun

Mirror sucking in
The djinn
Clipped for all to see
Set free.

Let's see, you draw from six different cultural myths (See below, seven if you count Marduk), or religions, separated by thousands of miles and hundreds of years. None of which seem to have much to do with one another, I suppose "Marduk" could be the "undertow son" as in the "Enûma Eliš" he saves the day and defeats Tiamat's hoard while the other gods quake and shiver, and Anu makes him the supreme ruler, King or kings, so forth and so on, but then again that was the Babylonian version, and Marduk was their city god, of course they will be somewhat bias. Outside of that you are writing these little lines that are not consistent, metrically, accentually or foot wise. The whole thing seems predicated on a continuing xyxy rhyme pattern, which seems to far supersede in importance what little content there is. I would be interested to see what you think it is suppose to mean, because I can tease really no meaning from the total at all. Just great, unconnected, pontifications held together by a simplistic rhyme pattern. If this has meaning, you have left out 75% of it.

What the title has to do with this makes no sense to me.

Looking forward to your explication.

Best,

Dale

Isis, Ra (Egypt)
Lilith (Hebrew)
Shah, djinn (Persian)
Black moon (Wiccan)
Amun,(primeval Egyptian) similar to the Sumerian An, through the Akkadian Anu.

(03-19-2014, 01:04 PM)Erthona Wrote:  Looking forward to your explication.

Best,

Dale

Thank you for your time, Dale. You are absolutely correct in much of your assessment. Interestingly enough, I was not aware of the undertow son association but is not surprising considering the intent I had when writing this piece.

Tying together concepts from different mythologies in a search of a common perennial philosophy is not a new concept, and this was one of my attempts to 'fish', as it were, subconsciously for the best starting points for me in that venture - an effort to express knowledge of that which I am not aware that I know.

I've long had a preoccupation with words, phrases, and styles of writing that are encrypted with multiple layers of meaning. Had I placed this in any other forum here, I would certainly explain the meaning. What it holds for me is more personal than I'm willing to go into here, and more important to me for this one in particular would be to learn what meaning or feelings it may evoke from others.

Astrologically speaking, Lilith and black moon are intimately related. I never intended to evoke the Hebrew or Wiccan origins. I did not intend Amun as a separate entity from Ra, so technically that's a typo that should read Amun-Ra.

As one of my earlier works, it does suffer from forced rhyme, and the use of shah and djinn were unbeknownst to me tied to a shared mythology and were instead meant to be literary devices in reference to 'leader' and 'spirit'. I am familiar with both words through sources that differ from their mythological roots.

The phrase, 'and soon cease to shun...' imparts the meaning that I, myself, intend to no longer shun a detail-oriented approach toward gaining a clearer, more concise understanding of the mythologies and how I may relate to them through my own experiences. If it evokes a sense of cognitive dissonance, then I suppose the only meaning to be found may very well be an expression of that very same state of mind.